TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

I don't think the condoms are the issue at all, in fact I think it's very responsible on his part to use them if he doesn't want to have kids. However the rest of it sounds really shit op and I can understand your frustration especially since he doesn't seem to want to discuss it with you even. Does he go into another room to finish himself off? Does he let you touch him intimately at all? Oral sex? I think this is more then about contraception. Is he affectionate with you outside of the bedroom?

I obviously agree that, based on the drip feed further information provided by the OP, there's an obvious sexual incompatibility, and that she is better moving on.

Wow ,posters saying he is gay ...Nooo ,you can’t say that ,how could you possibly know .
If he was gay he would be with a man ,no reason to be with a woman if you prefer men .
That’s just not helping

Good for your DP.

There's so many times on here that there's an unplanned pregnancy or a 'not so accidental happy surprise' and the overall view is 'if a couple agree that the pill is their birth control then the man is saying he's happy to be a father... Should have worn a condom or got the snip'. Any man who voices that he'd rather not continue with an unplanned pregnancy is ripped to bits and called every name under the sun because he had sex without a condom so has to accept there's a baby and he has no voice in the discussion.

Yeah this isn't about the condoms. Don't stay with a man who doesn't care about your sexual pleasure. He's either a selfish arsehole or has some serious issues surrounding sex and intimacy.

If he was gay he would be with a man ,no reason to be with a woman if you prefer men .

@Veganforlife Surely you understand there are many married men with children who are gay? men who can't accept their sexuality? Just look at the media and see the 'famous name' men who have come out after 25 or 30 years of marriage.

Have you read the whole thread?

-He doesnt like being touched on his penis by the OP
-He doesn't orgasm in front of her ( masturbates on his own after 'sex')

• He won't touch her so she comes- she has to DIY afterwards

-He 'says' he might be infertile for 'some' health issue (unknown)

• He has never ever had sex without a condom - so assume he has an irrational fear of pregnancy or he can't bear skin to skin contact or he has never had a long term, exclusive relationship.)

I also don’t think this is about contraception. He sounds awful and selfish in bed. If he made you orgasm and you felt satisfied first would him finishing himself off be such an issue?

Does he take the condom off to finish could he have death grip ?

You need to re-post this without the bit about condoms. That really isn't the issue here. If your OP read 'my boyfriend stops sex before I orgasm and then masturbates so that he can orgasm, without meeting my needs' you would have completely different answers. He is taking responsibility for contraception which every person should do. However, the rest of the stuation is not normal and you absolutely don't have to settle for it.

If he was gay he would be with a man ,no reason to be with a woman if you prefer men

Parental expectation
Religious or cultural expectation
Unable to accept the fact he is gay
Worrying it's somethi g his kids may be bullied for
Not wanting to be, even though he knows he is
Scared as he hasn't had a gay sexual experience so prefer to avoid the possibility.

There's a few right off the bat.

It sounds like he has retarded ejaculation and you are incorrectly blaming the condom. He can probably only orgasm while masturbating himself otherwise surely he would want you to do something to him? I wouldn’t bother to be honest, do you really want to sign up to this mutual masturbation fest indefinitely?

@thedancingbear

I'm glad someone else can see this Linning. It's the exact equivalent of knuckle-dragging men branding a woman a lesbian because she lacks enthusiasm or has other sexual issues.

Exactly, 100s of reasons as to why women/men are passive during sex and/or struggle with intimacy, some are simply a mere preference others more deep-rooted issues. Thinking that it's okay to brand someone as gay exclusively on a few snapshot from ONE sexual partner of the person (that shows only her viewpoint) and absolutely no knowledge of his history or attitude towards the same sex is both ridiculous and offensive, frankly.

OP is admitting to pressuring her bf to not use condoms during sex, that's hardly conducive to stress and care free sex. We don't know how sex with her is for him, and maybe there are reasons as to why he feels uncomfortable around her (because the problem could be sex with the OP specifically rather than sex with women as, again, we don't know his history).

I hate it when people think my homosexuality has anything to do with men. It doesn't. You would not be able to guess I am gay based on my behavior with men but you would definitely be able to if you observed my behavior with women, and I hate it when people think they can make comments akin to ''Oh but you are like this/think like this because you are gay!" , hmm no, I am like this/think like this/behave like this because that's my personality and personal belief based on my life experiences, independently of my sexual orientation, and the fact that people still think it's okay to look at small details and scream ''gay!!!" in 2020 is disturbing.

It's fine to ask, '' is there any chance he could be gay?" it's completely different to label someone as gay and act as if you know someone's sexuality 100% based on 3 mumsnet posts about a third party.

@JinglingHellsBells

If he was gay he would be with a man ,no reason to be with a woman if you prefer men .

@Veganforlife Surely you understand there are many married men with children who are gay? men who can't accept their sexuality? Just look at the media and see the 'famous name' men who have come out after 25 or 30 years of marriage.

Have you read the whole thread?

-He doesnt like being touched on his penis by the OP
-He doesn't orgasm in front of her ( masturbates on his own after 'sex')

• He won't touch her so she comes- she has to DIY afterwards

-He 'says' he might be infertile for 'some' health issue (unknown)

• He has never ever had sex without a condom - so assume he has an irrational fear of pregnancy or he can't bear skin to skin contact or he has never had a long term, exclusive relationship.)

Sigh.

Yes and the ONLY reason someone would feel or act like this is because he is gay.

Yes some gay men are closeted, there is a difference between suggesting it as an option and assuming you know someone's sexuality based on a few facts (and very little background/ details).

I'm sorry but after all the "if men dont want a kid they should do something about it" conversations we have had on here, I think he is right to carry on with condoms. He's taking responsibility for his own reproductive choices and that is his right. If it were the other way around people would be calling him disgusting etc.

I'm sorry OP but I think you are being unreasonable.

Maybe he has some kind of foreskin problem?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

At least read the OP's updates if you are not going to read the full thread.

The condoms are not the issue here. If he wants to wear a condom to prevent pregnancy that is his choice and you should respect that - implant or no implant.
The rest of it though - bloody hell, none of that is normal. That is not a satisfying sex life for anyone. I have no idea how you could bring it up with him though - sounds like he has deep-rooted issues and would need therapy to deal with them.

@MakeItRain

I think if you've both been checked for diseases and you're in a loving, exclusive relationship, then that sounds a bit strange on his part. What would he do of you decided to have children?

If he decided to have a baby he wouldn't need a fecking condom, would he?

Sounds like he is preventing ending up with a baby he doesn't yet want, which is great!

He has every right to have sex however he feels comfortable.

You have every right to explain your feelings and if they can’t be resolved to leave and find someone you are more sexually compatible with.

I don’t think you can successfully work through this, I would save yourself the frustration and heart ache and get out now if I were you.

@thedancingbear

^I agree this isn't about contraception, he doesn't want you to touch him, he won't touch you and insn't interested in your orgasm, he wears a condom even though he knows he won't orgasm, then he wanks himself off

He's gay^

You realise that this is the equivalent of man saying 'you're wife is crap in bed, she frigid, and probably a lezzer'?

No I didn't realise this because it's not remotely similar

I hate condoms but have respected men who insist, just wouldn't work for me long-term. Yuck. The not finishing bit would be a deal breaker and leaving you high and dry, just no! He doesn't need a girl, he needs a flesh light. Don't settle for this.

I wonder how much better things would be even he did ditch the condoms? I've just looked at all of your posts together Op and he's a very inconsiderate lover. Wearing a condom doesn't mean he has to pull out before you finish, and it doesn't mean he has to leave you to sort yourself out. He would be stupid if he didn't realise that his approach to sex is a little, shall we say unusual. I would have thought he'd make every effort to make sure that didn't affect your pleasure too much.

You are being unreasonable. You are questioning his sexual boundaries and putting pressure on him to change them. I think making these kinds of demands are almost always unreasonable.

Interesting: this is one of the closest AIBU I've seen, currently 49-51.

FWIW, I'm with you O@Bonehilda. I would find the "unable to finish inside me" very hurtful. For me, that feeling of a man reaching orgasm inside me is a very important part of the intimacy of having sex, and it would really eat away at me psychologically if he wouldn't do this. (Couldn't, due to erectile dysfunction - rather a different kettle of fish).

I also think there's a big clue there in his not wanting children. (Beware, risk of projection, yada yada yada, take what follows with a note of caution). I was in a similar position with my ex - only rather than not finishing inside me, it just meant sex became less and less frequent. And my experience was it destroys you psychologically - you start to feel undesirable, unlovable even (because for most of us, sex is a massive part of what distinguishes a romantic relationship from just friendship). With the benefit of hindsight, I'd say to you: bail out at this point. This is not working for you, it will damage you, and it will only get worse.

I think a lot of people aren't looking beyond his right to use contraception of his choice to avoid pregnancy. Have you read the rest of what Op has posted? He couldn't care less about how the sex is for her. He's a lazy and inconsiderate lover who is basically using her body then finishing himself off. Couldn't give a stuff what it's like for her.

Do you both actually realise that there's much more to sex than PIV? That putting a penis into you is not necessary for orgasm? It just seems very odd that you are focussed on the condom issue and him having to pull out before you 'get there' to finish himself off, when the issue should be 'why isn't he giving you orgasms another way, fingers or mouth, if he's got issues with penetration'.

Ladies first isn't just for going through doorways you know.

If he's not interested in giving you orgasms in any other way other than through penetration, or doesn't realise he can, then you either give him an intensive course of sex education, or the push. My vote would be for the push, he's got issues you are not going to want to go into.