TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Have you ever tried latex free condoms OP? I came off of birth control 5 years ago and we have used Skyn Elite condoms ever since even though I dont have a latex allergy. They honestly feel so much more intimate and I'd say the difference compared to no condom is very minimal, and miles away from what latex condoms feel like.

They're a bit pricey but completely worth trying, DP and I both have never had any issues reaching climax using them so maybe they'd help you both.

OP

I hope you will this relationship.

It's not going anywhere.

What's his sexual history?

I don't know what your experience is of men and sex, but what you have with this man is not normal.

He might be putting on a good act with you, but he isn't fooling me with his behaviour!

This guy does not like sex with women.

A few of us here have tumbled to that (although most posters are slagging you off and not seeing the full picture.)

Move on, tell him to seek counselling and psychotherapy, and get his head sorted.

I wonder how many other women he's left in his wake, when he's been booted out or slunk away?

He may be lovely in some ways, but he's not behaving like a horny male in the first flush of a newish relationship.

^I agree this isn't about contraception, he doesn't want you to touch him, he won't touch you and insn't interested in your orgasm, he wears a condom even though he knows he won't orgasm, then he wanks himself off

He's gay^

You realise that this is the equivalent of man saying 'you're wife is crap in bed, she frigid, and probably a lezzer'?

Ahhh so he has kids. How do you feel? Do you not want children? This would be enough to be a deal breaker for me. I think you need to tell him you need to be pleased first before he attends to himself. What happened with other people? So he has had sex without a condom if he has kids!!

Ohhh and don’t have your tubes tied!! I suspect if he said he wanted a baby you may be open to the idea.

I don't understand, if he struggles to come with a condom on, why doesn't he carry on with you for a bit before wanking so you at least get some satisfaction?

The whole going of to wank undisturbed thing sounds so akward and lonely. I'm guessing you see going condom free as a means to be more intimate but I think there are some much deeper issues with him here, rather than just a fear of pregnancy.

Personally I would rather have no sex than crap sex.

For the posters who are focusing on condoms, types of condoms and so on, have you actually read the whole thread?

If so, this is not about contraception. It's so obvious.

Look at this guy's issues around intimacy!

Sounds like he is not the one for you. Unless this is how you want your sex life to be. From now on. Forever.

The simple fact is that you are not compatible.

You realise that this is the equivalent of man saying 'you're wife is crap in bed, she frigid, and probably a lezzer'?

No, it's not the same as all.

Look at the facts. Read better.

Ahhh so he has kids. @Heyhih3 He doesn't have kids. where did you see that?

OP is the coil something you would consider? I had the mirena fitted last year. First 6 weeks bleeding then nothing. Now I get a tiny bit of red discharge once a month and that’s it. So much better for me.

Wrt to the condom situation. I agree with the people saying the condom is a symptom of something much bigger going on here. The sex sounds unfulfilling for both of you and he doesn’t seem willing to compromise on any part of it.

Could you persuade him to get couples counselling to discuss with someone impartial? If he’s a keeper in every other aspect, it would be worth it. Otherwise I’d consider ending the relationship.

I think it goes beyond contraception concern.
All fine and very responsible to want to use a condom.
But the not ejaculating, the not involving you in, shall we say, post-play, the leaving you to orgasm alone..

How is he with oral sex?

Things that would be going through my mind would be a porn addiction , could he be gay, has he got a condition that he hasn’t disclosed to you, HepC, HIV, herpes... or just some psychological or emotional issue around sex.

^No, it's not the same as all.

Look at the facts. Read better.^

I've read the thread. I can read perfectly well. The posts delighting in his potential gayness are pretty homophobic tbh.

It’s not about the contraception!

He either has intimacy/hygiene/embarrassment issues or he’s gay. Sort out your bleeding if you feel that might be an issue for him then see what happens.

If it carries on, a long chat is on the cards. Keep an open mind to possible causes so that you’ve got your eyes wide open and down not miss anything.

down= dont*

I think he is being very responsible and unless you have a discussion about having children you should use condoms

I'd call it a day.

There is more going on here than you can unravel alone.

Its making you feel unhappy so move on an let him deal with his issues.

I agree with others that this isn't about contraception. There's some other issue at play here. Wanting to wear a condom is one thing, and it's good that he wants to take responsibility for himself. But the rest of the behaviour during sex is absolutely not normal. Neither of you are enjoying sex with each other and his behaviour is odd.
I think you need to do a bit more digging to establish exactly what the real issue is here.

How long have you been together?

He has every right to choose the contraception he prefers but I would not want to have sex that way. The stopping to finish himself off manually would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't pressure him but I wouldn't enjoy sex with him and wouldn't do it much longer after I realised this was how it was going to be.

@JinglingHellsBells

Ahhh so he has kids. *@Heyhih3* He doesn't have kids. where did you see that?

Sorry my mistake

@JinglingHellsBells

We have read the full thread, your assumption that a man is gay because he struggles with intimacy which can be for a myriad of reasons (OP did say he had had health issues that likely led to infertility that she hasn't detailed for example), is ridiculous.

Yes, he might be gay, or he might be shit in bed, which isn't uncommon or he might have intimacy problems that have NOTHING to do with his sexuality and could have a myriad of reasons (health, childhood trauma, unrelated trauma, self-esteem etc...)

I know a lot of men who don't give that much of a crap about women's pleasure, in fact most of Mumsnet is proof of how little men care about women in general in all area of life and men not giving much thought and/or being oblivious to women's pleasure, isn't really news or abnormal, and dare I say it, often the norm (unfortunately).

Calling people gay because they are more focused on their own pleasure than their partner and have trouble with intimacy is ridiculous. I am gay, what determines my sexuality is my attraction to women not my sex life/behavior with men.

So unless OP is going to come back with a massive drip feed as to why he might be gay, can we stop calling people gay, everytime they are selfish lovers (half of the male population, according to my experience with them, would be gay, if that was the case).

Plenty of women are happy ''starfishing'', and it doesn't make them gay (in fact they also exist in the lesbian world and their lack of participation in sex doesn't make them straight either.)

^^This with bells on. Gleefully branding someone as gay because they have sexual issues is grossly offensive.

I'm glad someone else can see this Linning. It's the exact equivalent of knuckle-dragging men branding a woman a lesbian because she lacks enthusiasm or has other sexual issues.

You say he's really good... But that he also doesn't let you finish and orgasm?! Then he takes the condom off to finish himself, so not like he couldn't last longer? No, this isn't normal or reasonable. It's like he's using you to get himself going, then selfishly stops it to finish. Wtf, No wonder you're frustrated!

I couldn't live like that. A year in, it's still supposed to be fun and easy. You aren't compatible, move on.