TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

---

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

But I would like to feel trusted and wish we could have what he hasn't had with anyone else

But it's not about trusting you is it? I'm assuming it's a fear of pregnancy on his behalf, so you can say all day long your birth control is effective but how many stories do you read about failed contraception?

I'd not stop looking at it like he doesn't trust you, that doesn't seem to be the case, more than he doesn't trust your contraception which is understandable because even you can't guarantee 100% that you won't fall.pregnant on the implant

Id stop looking at it

Not

Id not stop looking at it

You say you're ok not having children, and he doesn't want them, would that include him having a vasectomy? DH was booked but then lockdown happened, it was his suggestion. We have one dc and have no intention of having another. A friend of mine who says she doesn't want anymore children said she'd be really upset if her husband had a vasectomy, which tells me she's not as sure as she says, that she doesn't want more DCs. Think about of he came home tomorrow and said he'd had it done, hope would you feel? Any slight twinge of regret and he's right to use condoms

Would he be open to it if you have your tubes tied? Or him getting a vasectomy?

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It may be a compatibility issue.

I agree when you say condoms feel like a barrier and to be honest it’s easy for others to assume but I wouldn’t want to have sex constantly that way either. To add further to the issue do you actually orgasm before he finishes himself off? Honestly I’d have to leave the room!

He is being responsible but also he cannot have complete trust in you (not unreasonably) that you would 100% have an abortion if you did get pregnant. Blokes get slated about when a women gets pregnant and not using a condom so he is making 100% sure.

My friend drilled it into her son ...his girlfriend is on the pill and told him they didn't need to use them......but he still uses condoms after her pointing out all the potential pain and cost if she got pregnant and kept the baby which as the father he would have no say over abortion. For once he listened lol

The condom is part of his boundaries so should be respected. BUT it's not common to not be able to ejaculate because of it - why would it be? If he can go on indefinitely why can't he spend longer with you? Is he a porn user by an chance who is used to doing it himself and can't switch back?

OP in your post you use the term 'bitch' and 'moo' as in cow. Is there a reason you feel the need to use such misogynistic terms in reference to yourself? It's quite upsetting to read.

Re condoms, see your point, see his. Not sure what the solution is..

What do you mean when you get into it, it stops so he can finish?

@Ragwort if I had the coil and he didnt like it, I would look into other forms of BC. And that's what I'd suggest if anyone else had that problem.

@theendoftheworldasweknowit I would have an abortion without a second thought.

What I dont get is he trusts condoms completely. Even if I had the implant removed, he'd be happy to carry on trusting them even though the effectiveness is more lower. Where as the implant is even more effective than sterilisation!

i think it sounds a bit depressing that he always has to wank off at the end, and doesn't even want you to do it, its a bit grim, an unsatisfying sex life would be a deal breaker for me.

The conforms aren't the issue here OP. The sex itself sounds crap and unfulfilling for you. The condoms are just and added later of crapness.

It is this what you want out of sex for the rest of your life?

@HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight and @Isthisfinallyit if he got a vasectomy I would support that 100%. I would even get my tubes tied at the same time. I would suggest this, but knowing him he'd still use a condom. I will bring it up though and see what his opinion is to it.

If your bleeding a lot on the implant, that might be why he’s using condoms as well ,some men can be funny with period blood
Why not try a different contraception. Where you don’t bleed all the time ,it can’t be nice .
I take the mini pill and never have a period ,no pmt either ,wonderful.

Sorry OP but that would be a deal breaker for me.
I want to feel happy and satisfied after sex, not an accessory that was discarded so my partner can finish himself off.

Every single thread on here where there is an 'accidental' pregnancy with the coil or the pill or the implant has multiple comments along the lines of 'well if he REALLY didn't want kids, he should have worn condoms'.
So yes, you are being very unreasonable. He is taking charge of, and responsibility for, his fertility.

I can’t believe some feel YABU! If you’re on the implant and he has health issues that has an impact on his fertility, then there’s really no reason for the use of condoms.

He masturbates to orgasm, doesn’t care if you’re satisfied, he’s a selfish lover. No, I think the issue is deeper than not wanting to get you pregnant. It’s as if he’s using you to masturbate.

There's a brand of non latex condoms called Skyn made by Mate. They are very thin and closest to the real thing in terms of feeling that I have experienced.

I've told my teen sons that unless and until they want to become a father, it is their responsibility to put a condom on. Always.

His body, his fertility, his choice.

If he doesn’t want kids but is not ready for a vasectomy yet, then it makes sense to double up on contraception. You aren’t the only couple to not want children but haven’t been sterilised yet that double up on contraception. So in that sense, you would be like everyone else. Or everyone else in your demographic. Also, not everyone in committed relationships is using hormonal contraceptives. We used condoms because I disagreed with hormonal birth control (the implant, actually). So there is no normal and everyone isn’t doing the same thing.

It sounds like he has some issues that are unrelated to you though. He’s never had sex without a condom but can’t finish in one. He also won’t let you touch him while he finishes other than to play with balls a little bit. Which would imply that he’s only ever finished himself? If that’s the case then it’s probably something he needs to work through with a professional. In the meantime, could you both finish yourselves off while laying next to each other?

@Heyhih3 nope. If I want an orgasm I have to do it myself, which I'm bored of doing. I just wonder what is the actual point in even having this implant in! All it's doing at the moment is giving me 2 month long periods instead of doing its actual job of preventing pregnancy.

(I do agree, btw, that he could/should be doing things differently to make sure you are fulfilled, and I think it is that, not the condoms, that you need to be talking about with him)

In all honesty @Bonehilda I think there is more to this than contraception. It really sounds as if your partner has some kind of psychological issues around sex and intimacy.

Maybe you ought to think about what's going on underneath his behaviour.

Reading about his behaviour, I'd be worried he was possibly gay or had some real sexual hang ups. I'd not be sure I'd believe his words about his infertility / health- what exactly went on there ? Mumps? Chemo? Has he explained? Or just alluded to 'something'?

The fact he can't masturbate with you after sex and doesn't want you to touch him either, is not normal.

You really need to start thinking long and hard about this. It's not a contraception issue- that's a red herring.

He's got something going on in his head that he's not telling you or not owning up to himself, perhaps his sexual preferences.

How old is he and what's his relationship history? Has he lived with a woman long term, been married?

He is allowed to say he doesn’t want sex without condoms but you can equally say you don’t want penetrative sex with condoms.