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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

355 replies

Bonehilda · 10/07/2020 07:01

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
SinisterBumFacedCat · 12/07/2020 00:28

@Bonehilda

UPDATE: I spoke to him this morning. I told him everything and he said he liked it how it was and I was crazy if I thought he was going to waste his life pleasing other people and if I'm not happy that's my problem! It's over and I'm so angry and upset! I've never felt so humiliated
By pleasing other people did he specifically mean you, his girlfriend, who he couldn’t be arsed try and give an orgasm to? Well he is literally wanking on his own now! Op, thank God you didn’t get sterilised for this waste of space. The hills are that way, and on the other side there are men who are actually good at sex ➡️
Barrowmanfan22 · 12/07/2020 00:58

I am on the implant and in trusted relationships dont use a condom, but I think DP should be applauded here for taking responsibility.

Barrowmanfan22 · 12/07/2020 00:59

Sorry, I'm a new poster and can't figure out how to delete my post having RTFT!

TheLegendOfZelda · 12/07/2020 06:06

He's a literal tosser
Leave him to it

Thank god he was so honest. It will make it so much easier to get over him

Next time, try the phrase 'ladies first'. Always incentivises a man, I have found

GinDaddyRedux · 12/07/2020 06:13

@Barrowmanfan22

But in this case I don't think it's just "taking responsibility".

I've been in trusted relationships where we have discussed contraception and each party has cared deeply to ensure that if life is created it happens when desired.

Here, I think this isn't as much about "responsibility" as it is about control, and a strange kind of repressed psychology.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/07/2020 07:50

Glad you are out of it Bonehilda.

From this side we could all see what kind of relationship it was. It's much harder when you are deeply entrenched in it. Hopefully now you can do some work on yourself and realise that a relationship where BOTH parties are not happy with how things are, however much they try to put a spin and gloss on it, is not a good relationship.

Onwards and upwards!

DianasLasso · 12/07/2020 08:30

@Barrowmanfan22

Sorry, I'm a new poster and can't figure out how to delete my post having RTFT!
You go to the post you want removed, click "report" and report your own post asking for it to be deleted.

I wouldn't worry though - you went on and RTFT then issued a correction, so don't worry, it's happened to all of us when we were new.

JinglingHellsBells · 12/07/2020 08:36

Thank goodness.

So he's not the great and kind man after all.

Move on and thank your lucky stars you wasted no more time.

nanbread · 12/07/2020 09:15

So he sees trying to please you as a waste of his life?!

Yeah, good riddance.

I know you're upset now but I think in time that you'll be happy that you didn't waste another minute on him, OP.

nanbread · 12/07/2020 09:15

He's the one who should feel humiliated, btw. What a selfish arse.

VeniceQueen2004 · 12/07/2020 09:20

Well that's actually good news OP. Sorry he was so harsh to you but now you're free to find someone who wants to and feels able to please you the way you want.

Having read subsequent posts re your abusive exes I would second the freedom programme. I think you could have avoided getting so deep in to this one if you had more confidence in your own and others' boundaries, you wouldn't have put up with feeling this way for so long, or thought that if he just did things your way everything would be fine.

Good luck with your future, better relationships x

ClaryFray · 12/07/2020 09:35

Yabu.

I use the foil because it works for me, I still insist that any partners use condoms because I like to be doubly sure. On top of the I am 99.9% infertile, blocked tubes, and I still ensure all of the above because I know that things happen.

If a man wanted me to change my coil because it interefeared with his sexual pleasure it'd be a no.

I sometimes don't orgasm during sex because of my anti depression meds, should I stop them just to please a partner?

If we flipped this thread as a man writing it you'd all go to town on him. The sexism here is astonishing. Op it's what your partner is happy with, if your not and he won't change which is his right, you have the option to work on accepting it or to leave

Lexilooo · 12/07/2020 09:35

I'm sorry @Bonehilda I know this isn't the outcome you wanted hut honestly I think it is for the best. You will look back on this one day and be glad you got out when you did and didn't waste anymore time on him.

In the meantime look into the freedom programme as someone else suggested.

Take care of yourself x

Original poster
Bonehilda · 12/07/2020 09:57

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a little bit better today after reading your messages. His other relationships had only lasted a couple of months and I can now see why, they were smart and got out quickly.
All the signs were there and i ignored them, i feel humiliated because I thought he loved me and actually wanted me. We never really went anywhere or done the dating thing, I didn't mind as I thought he was just happy to be with me.
I'm very thankful to have posted, you all gave me the courage to talk and now I dont have to waste my life on such a selfish prick.
@barrowmanfan22 it's okay.

OP posts:
BestOption · 12/07/2020 10:04

🌷what a tossed (literally)

I'm sorry you feel humiliated & upset/angry, but this is ALL on him & frankly after that reply I'm beyond caring where that comes from. It's his shit to sort out.

I hope sorting out the practicalities (who moves out etc) isn't too tough. Try not to grieve the loss of the relationship/future too much, he's not who you thought he was, focus on rebuilding yourself. You sound lovely 🌷

Original poster
Bonehilda · 12/07/2020 10:09

The hardest part is going to have to tell my children. They both loved him and my son especially loved having another guy to kick a ball with. I feel sick at the thought of breaking their hearts, again!

@ClaryFray thank you for taking the time to write that out, but it is no longer an issue.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/07/2020 10:16

What an utter dick he is. He is incapable of maintaining a relationship beyond a few months and yet he thinks he is not "going to waste his life pleasing other people". Is he so dim that he doesn't realize that that might be the reason people don't want to be with him??

I think when the initial hurt subsides, it might be a good idea to think more over why you did ignore the signs that this wasn't a good relationship. There are maybe some lessons you can take from this for further relationships?

inthelounge · 12/07/2020 11:13

I am a man. I would never have sex with someone without a condom as I do not want to be a parent. However the rest of his behaviour is such that I think you have made the right decision, and are best without him.

I think for any future relationships, perhaps wait a while before children meet a new partner, as your son may need support as you note.

Heyhih3 · 12/07/2020 11:28

@inthelounge

I am a man. I would never have sex with someone without a condom as I do not want to be a parent. However the rest of his behaviour is such that I think you have made the right decision, and are best without him.

I think for any future relationships, perhaps wait a while before children meet a new partner, as your son may need support as you note.

Even a long term partner you always use condoms?
inthelounge · 12/07/2020 11:43

Heyhih3 yes

Heyhih3 · 12/07/2020 11:45

I suppose it’s each to their own. I find it extreme to be honest. This was my main gripe with OPs partner... and people were suggesting he was being responsible now look Hmm

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/07/2020 12:02

Even a long term partner you always use condoms?

What's wrong with that though? It's the only contraception available to men (unless they definitely do not want children and have a vasectomy).

Heyhih3 · 12/07/2020 12:05

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Even a long term partner you always use condoms?

What's wrong with that though? It's the only contraception available to men (unless they definitely do not want children and have a vasectomy).

It’s personal preference. I assume you do this as well? Good for you.?
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/07/2020 16:10

Dh and I have been married for 10 years, together 18, and we use condoms. Hormonal contraception just don't treat me well.

Timekeeper1 · 12/07/2020 16:45

@inthelounge Haven't you ever looked into vasectomy? Far more reliable than condoms, cheaper over time, etc.