TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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Agree with PPs that the condoms is a bit of a red herring, he sounds selfish in bed, no wonder you frustrated. I wouldn't be surprised if he has problems with sensation because of death grip - he can't orgasm with a woman because he's too used to using his hand.

www.healthline.com/health/death-grip-syndrome

Interesting: this is one of the closest AIBU I've seen, currently 49-51.
I think the problem with the poll is that not everyone is answering the same question. The AIBU was "to not want to use condoms". If that had been the only issue here I think that the percentage of people saying the OP is unreasonable would have been a lot higher because it's a more clear cut thing. If the OP's partner wants to continue to use condoms to protect against pregnancies/STDs then the OP should accept that.
However, this AIBU has got lost in the middle of the rest of it where basically the OP is not being unreasonable to object to the sex life on offer - him not giving her an orgasm, him not able to ejaculate while wearing the condom, him having to wank himself off to finish and not wanting the OP to touch him to finish him off.
I think some people voting that the OP is not being unreasonable are focussing on this side of it rather than the condoms.
I didn't vote as I think she is unreasonable to want him to ditch the condoms but she is not being unreasonable to object to the rest of this awful "sex life".

@thedancingbear I did not say he is crap in bed! I even said when we have sex it's great. I mentioned what he is like and what happens after to answer the questions on why I feel unwanted.
I want to feel like I'm enough! That I can satisfy him, not his hand.

I didn't vote as I think she is unreasonable to want him to ditch the condoms but she is not being unreasonable to object to the rest of this awful "sex life".

Fair point - in fact, very good way of expressing the issue.

I got pregnant on the implant, it was in date as far as i'm aware it was fitted correctly....it's very effective but not 100% full proof and i was very unlucky.
It was also difficult for people to understand, including my child's father, that I had taken precautions to prevent this happening and I got a lot of "blame" for being pregnant.

Obviously now i am extremely thankful for my child, but this is not the way i would have chosen to parent.

@Bonehilda how is he great in bed?! He's not making you come!

so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied

From your OP. So either the sex is great, or it's not.

You may need to actually tell us what the problem is if you want us to help you.

@JinglingHellsBells he had chemo. We are both in our 30s and he has had a few girlfriends. The last one was 2 years. Never been married and has never lived with any of them.

Intelinside57
There's two separate issues:

1. The OP thinks he's unreasonable to wear condoms because she doesn't like them, which is unreasonable given that in the event of an unplanned pregnancy people are quick to say to the guy 'no condoms or no snip and you basically consented to have a child, regardless of other birth control'
2. The quality of their sex life, which sounds rubbish.

i think hes got issues. I wouldnt have a problem with the condom use, but the rest of it sounds like a massive turn off

[quote Bonehilda]@thedancingbear I did not say he is crap in bed! I even said when we have sex it's great. I mentioned what he is like and what happens after to answer the questions on why I feel unwanted.
I want to feel like I'm enough! That I can satisfy him, not his hand.[/quote]
A lot of women use their hands in addition to PIV to orgasm, it doesn't mean that their partner isn't enough, OP.

Maybe you could discuss with him about ways (that don't involve ditching the condom) you could get more involved that would please you both? And maybe you could vocalize ways that would help you feel more bonded to him during sex and let him know you are left unsatisfied (without blaming it on the condom because I genuinely don't think that's it).

But it does seem like you might have a few self-esteem/self-confidence issues you might want to explore, OP, the fact that you automatically assume someone wearing a condom means they don't trust you/don't want to bond with you/you aren't any more special than his exes and that you see someone using their hand (in addition to penetrative sex) to pleasure themselves as it saying something about you rather than them probably mean that you there are some self-esteem/confidence issues you might want to discuss and work on either with a professional or simply your partner.

(he definitely has his fair share of work to do but it seems like you haven't really discussed sex with each other so I would talk about it with him and see if there is room for improvement in the few things that bother you, since you say the rest of sex is great.)

I think he is responsible for wearing a condom but I think he might have other issues going on.

I agree with pps, the condom is a red herring.
I am confused by you saying that you have “great sex” , when it seems he stops just when it is particularly good for you, and masturbates to orgasm, while leaving you to what, do the same ? Because that sounda like really crap sex to me. I couldn’t cope with that.
I have a friend whose boyfriend did exactly this, but without the condom aspect. He could not ejaculate during sex at all. She was sympathetic for ages, they got engaged, he pulled out of the wedding at the last minute which was somewhat ironic... anyway they split up, he really needed counselling and would not go.

Your partner has some very deep seated issue around sex and ejaculation, would he consider counselling ?

No I didn't realise this because it's not remotely similar

Yes it is

I think you have to separate the condone and the crap sex, they’re two different issues.

I get that you don’t like condoms (I don’t either) but I don’t think that they’re the reason you aren’t enjoying sex. He sounds incredibly selfish in bed, not using condoms won’t fix that.

[quote Bonehilda]@JinglingHellsBells he had chemo. We are both in our 30s and he has had a few girlfriends. The last one was 2 years. Never been married and has never lived with any of them.[/quote]
Cross post but chemo absolutely impact both sexuality and fertility, so what you describe in your post actually makes much more sense now (and might make the ''gay armchair keen to diagnose'' shut up a bit), chemo can affect erection (depending on the treatment) and might make ejaculating harder and/or (near) impossible, it also might leave some body parts as extremely sensitive and/or painful (nerve damage for example) which might leave some people reluctant to be touched, especially in sensitive areas.

If he almost died from cancer not wanting a kid might be very important to him (maybe having been made aware of his own mortality make him scared of producing a child and then not being around to see him grow up).

I think you should have stated he had cancer because that makes the whole thread much more understandable and now I feel bad for everyone who called him selfish/gay and other ''names'' based on a few posts that were miss core details.

Is he controlling in other ways OP, or only sexually ?

@Bonehilda I'm sorry to hear he has had cancer but good he's recovered. Has he never undergone tests to assess his fertility? Nowadays they try to retrieve and store sperm before chemo or radiation in young men who have treatment that might make them infertile. What cancer did he have?

It's a bit odd; on the one hand he says he might be infertile, on the other he is terrified of you becoming PG. If he is 100% sure he never wants kids, why isn't he having the snip or finding out if he is infertile?
Are you sure he's being honest?

Surely for his own sex life he needs to know IF he is infertile for contraception reasons and family reasons. He also needs to know so he can be honest with a woman who may want kids with him.

I can't see how sex is great! You must be setting the bar low.
What's great about it?

He can't come with you, even with your hands.
He can't come inside you (why???)
He won't masturbate with you beside him.
He won't have sex without a condom even though he may be infertile, you are both STD free, and you use reliable contraception.
He won't play with you till you come.

Where are the good bits?

@DianasLasso I suspect those who have voted YABU haven't read the full thread. I can't imagine any rational person would say that she's being ureasonable for wanting pleasurable sex with the man she loves.

How can the sex be "great" if it ends up with him wanking on his own and you wanking on your own?

@JinglingHellsBells he had chemo. We are both in our 30s and he has had a few girlfriends. The last one was 2 years. Never been married and has never lived with any of them.

Fuck me, OP, this is an ENORMOUS drip feed on a thread about your partner's inability to orgasm.

Still, it's more fun to declare him gay, so i think we should stick with that.

The poor, poor man.

@Linning If any of what you posted is true, he should own up to it, and seek counselling . We don't know what sort of cancer he had. And IF any of what you suggest is true, anyone in a long term relationship would talk about it. AND even if he can't get an erection (and that's not the case, is it) he could still try to use his hands and mouth to work on the OP to help her orgasm, which he won't.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Bonehilda I'm sorry to hear he has had cancer but good he's recovered. Has he never undergone tests to assess his fertility? Nowadays they try to retrieve and store sperm before chemo or radiation in young men who have treatment that might make them infertile. What cancer did he have?

It's a bit odd; on the one hand he says he might be infertile, on the other he is terrified of you becoming PG. If he is 100% sure he never wants kids, why isn't he having the snip or finding out if he is infertile?
Are you sure he's being honest?

Surely for his own sex life he needs to know IF he is infertile for contraception reasons and family reasons. He also needs to know so he can be honest with a woman who may want kids with him.

I can't see how sex is great! You must be setting the bar low.
What's great about it?

He can't come with you, even with your hands.
He can't come inside you (why???)
He won't masturbate with you beside him.
He won't have sex without a condom even though he may be infertile, you are both STD free, and you use reliable contraception.
He won't play with you till you come.

Where are the good bits? [/quote]
Not everybody wants to find out if they are infertile or not, obviously he has been honest about the fact that he might be due to cancer treatment, he doesn't owe OP (or anyone) anymore than that, unless they decide to try to conceive.

OP knows enough details to know that it's likely it will be harder/and or impossible to have a baby with this man that someone else and also that he (currently doesn't want kids and may never want one) that's enough information for OP to chose to stay or leave if kids are important to her.

I wouldn't want to find out if I am infertile until I absolutely had to and until it became relevant. He has made it clear there is a chance he can't and won't want kids and he is also being pro-active about protecting himself from getting her pregnant (in case he's got it wrong), surely he can barely be more honest, consistent or transparent there, what would his ulterior motive be?

@thedancingbear Hey, come on! We don't know what chemo he had or when or if , even.

It might have been when he was a child, decades ago.

Who says it affected his penis?

You cannot explain his behaviour by his having had chemo.

The chemo factor was in relation to his fertility/ infertility. He ought to know where he stands on that through medical advice, as it's a pretty big issue!

I wouldn't want to find out if I am infertile until I absolutely had to and until it became relevant.

Really?

So if you were in a relationship in your 30s and were dating, you'd keep yourself in ignorance until when? A guy wanted kids with you and then have tests once he was committed?

I call that really selfish.