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AIBU?

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Original poster

TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

355 replies

Bonehilda · 10/07/2020 07:01

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
snowybean · 10/07/2020 08:15

Oh my goodness OP, that would frustrate me no end. Can't he do some reading around effectiveness or talk to the GP or something? I hope the conversation around vasectomies/tube tying goes well.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 10/07/2020 08:15

I get hes being responsible. But I'd absolutely hate that too. You'd lose all the closeness you get from sex

thedancingbear · 10/07/2020 08:16

For absolute fuck's sake.

Whenever someone posts on here about a male partner wanting a baby, the narrative is always 'he should've taken responsibility for his own contraception by using condoms.^ I could dig up threads where this seems to apply even where the woman has deliberately stopped taken the pill.

And then, when a man does this, he gets a fucking kicking, apparently he's selfish, shit in bed etc.

Absolutely ridiculous and offensive to the nth degree

thedancingbear · 10/07/2020 08:17

His body, his choice. If you're pressuring him into sex without a condom, OP, then that is SERIOUSLY out of order.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/07/2020 08:18

Putting it bluntly...and for your sake so you don't waste more time on him:

he can't orgasm with you in any way
he won't allow you to touch him till he orgasms
he won't masturbate in front of you
he won't help you orgasm

All he will do is poke you for a while wearing a condom

This is not a normal sexual relationship.

He's either gay and won't admit it, or he has some deep issues with actual skin to skin contact with a woman.

Over the years there have been posts like this here and the usual outcome is that the man is gay but will not accept it.

I'd be looking at his past relationship history, why it's ended, what's gone wrong. etc etc.

I don't think this is going to get any better for you.
If sex isn't wonderful in the first 12 months, it's not going to improve.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/07/2020 08:19

This is not about contraception!

Look at his behaviour.

Porcupineinwaiting · 10/07/2020 08:19

Agree with Jingling this is about way more than condoms. Doesnt want you to touch him - wtf?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2020 08:20

Condoms not conforms!

Babesinthewud · 10/07/2020 08:21

I completely understand what you mean OP. I was in a similar situation a few years back, where DH wore a condom even though I was on the pill.

I explained that whilst it was admirable he was taking precautions, there was as much chance as the confirm splitting as there was using the pill.

He always wore condoms in the past when he was dating other women and that’s right, because he couldn’t trust what they said in the same was he could trust me. They were one night stands/casual flings. I was the first person he’s ever committed to.

I explained that I felt it was a physical barrier but more than that, I found it hurtful that he’d have casual sex with women and was happy to only use one contraception method then - the condom. Yet he insists in two forms with me? The condom is no more reliable than the pill. Accidents can happen either way.

Anyway he completely understood and I got a different form of contraception and he’s never looked back. Said it feels soooo much more sensitive.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/07/2020 08:22

For the posters slagging off the OP for putting the man under pressure, maybe read on past the very first post and look at his behaviour.

Other than penetrating her with a condom, he is not engaged in sex at all.

He has issues way beyond fear of pregnancy.

It's clear as crystal.

rowrowrowyaboat · 10/07/2020 08:24

Wish people would read the full thread Hmmthis is not about condoms or birth control, this is about shit sex with a selfish lover with clear issues around sex and the female body. This wont get better op.....lifes too short, id personally move on.

CountFosco · 10/07/2020 08:24

I think using condoms is fine and sensible. But stopping before either of you come and then wanking is not. The condoms are a side issue.

ohthegoodtimes · 10/07/2020 08:26

If you are bleeding really badly with the implant then you can talk to the doctor and they can prescribe tablets that you take for a few months and it stops the bleeding. I had to do it with my last implant.

curiousmenow · 10/07/2020 08:30

I think using condoms is fine and sensible. But stopping before either of you come and then wanking is not. The condoms are a side issue.

This is a very concise way of putting what I was just trying to write.

thedancingbear · 10/07/2020 08:30

id personally move on.

And I'd say the same to someone in a relationship who was being pressured into sex without a condom, male or female.

The whole thread has been a classic MN drip feed anyway. The OP was unquestionably about condom use, but when that didn't stick it turned into 'he's crap in bed too'.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/07/2020 08:30

This is about WAY more than contraception.

He has issues, so you have options, . get him to talk, accept this miserable sex life forever, or leave him.

(It's not about not trusting your implant, it's WAY more than that)

Acidburn · 10/07/2020 08:31

So imagine for a second that you push, he will give in, and you accidentally become pregnant. Any contraception can fail. Are you going to terminate knowing that he doesn't want kids, or are you going to keep him accountable for the next 18 years? I think he is a great example to other men of how they need to act if they don't want children.

sleepyhead · 10/07/2020 08:31

Could he possibly be so scared about pregnancy that he doesnt even trust the condom? Hence withdrawing so early? And also has paranoia about you coming into any contact with his semen, hence not letting him touch you?

If it was just about sensitivity then there would be no reason for him to stop before you were satisfied.

Or it could be death grip, but again that wouldnt explain his reluctance to continue, or his refusal to touch you.

On the one hand his condom use is totally up to him and the only real way he can take responsibility for his fertility, but on the other the sex sounds really shit.

Uptheduffy · 10/07/2020 08:32

OP was quite clear about the not finishing issue in her OP

Linning · 10/07/2020 08:32

Wow, I am shocked at the amount of women who are frustrated and would hate for a man to wear condoms (which is the ONLY reasonable thing for him to do if he absolutely doesn't want a baby).

Obviously the sex itself seem a bit crap (and should be an independent conversation) but implying that your bf is wrong from doing his part and being proactive about his sexual health/birth control, is ridiculous.

It's not you he doesn't trust, it's your Birth Control, which, he is right about because no birth control is 100% effective (and saying you 100% will have an abortion is easier said than done once pregnant and can't be a guarantee to him) + even if he didn't trust you (which I doubt is the case) rather than the Birth Control, wouldn't it be fair? You have been together a year, it might seem like a long time for you but I wouldn't trust anyone I have known 12 months enough to make decisions about my health/body that could lead me to bring a new life into this world or be linked to them for life. Same with asking for a vasectomy. Yes, it's ideal if he never wants to have children, but you have been together ONE year.

I would reconsider my relationship ASAP if a man told me he wanted me to quit Birth Control (and to ''trust him'' and stick to condom only) to feel closer to me (and if I refused thought it meant I didn't trust him) and/or suggested I get my tube tied after 12 months just because I am reluctant to have kids yet or for now.

If you really don't see yourself happy with him unless he ditches the condom then I suggest you find someone who would be happy to not use condoms (there are plenty), pressuring someone to have sex in a way they feel uncomfortable and knowingly could lead to pregnancy is extremely unfair and frankly questionable. Even if you had an abortion, not every man wants to be responsible for a woman having an abortion nor want to live with the mental weight of knowing it happened.

My advice: Consider if it's the condom, or your lack of satisfaction in bed that's the problem, if it's the later, talk to him openly and see if it changes, if it's the former and it's a deal breaker, then dump him, and find someone who will happily have sex without them. No need to stay in a situation that doesn't please/satisfy you, but also no need to try and force someone into doing something they have made clear they don't want to do (especially in the sex department).

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/07/2020 08:33

nope. If I want an orgasm I have to do it myself, which I'm bored of doing

That would be the deal breaker for me. The rest would annoy me too, but what's the point really.

Cherrytangfastic · 10/07/2020 08:34

I agree that the condoms aren't the problem here. It's refreshing to actually hear of a man taking responsibility for his contraception. IME the vast majority don't think it's their responsibility and will subsequently moan/create stories about being tricked when their partner's contraception fails.

It's the wanking at the end that is the issue.

Also have heard that Skyn condoms are good.

I think you're going to have to be a bit delicate and supportive, as it sounds like a psychological/confidence thing that he's too embarrassed to talk to you about.

MaxNormal · 10/07/2020 08:35

The "sex" you have with him sounds shockingly bad. As someone else said, the condoms are actually just more of a symptom, he sounds like an absolutely terrible shag and I suspect there are ishoos lurking in there.
The not touching you/not letting you touch him thing is beyond bizarre. The actual sex sounds joyless and pointless.

UnfinishedSymphon · 10/07/2020 08:36

I agree this isn't about contraception, he doesn't want you to touch him, he won't touch you and insn't interested in your orgasm, he wears a condom even though he knows he won't orgasm, then he wanks himself off

He's gay

larrygrylls · 10/07/2020 08:36

I don’t know, it is a tough one.

If you did get pregnant (unlikely but not totally impossible) would you expect him to take responsibility for his part in it?

I am absolutely 50/50 on this one, so cannot vote. He does not sound like he wants to please you in other ways, though, which is not great.

Ultimately, though, I think that you do have to accept one another’s views on contraception and, if it is ruining your relationship, it may be time to call it a day.