TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

So he never makes you orgasm, he doesn't let you help im orgasm, and he can't come inside you? And he's not willing to even thik about changing his mind about wearing a condom?

Sounds like a lot of pychological issues to unpack there. Is he worth it? Can you live with this kind of sex for the rest of your life? If he doesn't make you come, do you just make yourself come each time?

I just wish to give him the closeness he's never felt before, I do miss it. There's nothing like being that intimate, trusting and vulnerable with someone. There are a few that understand where I am coming from as well and I'm glad others can see my view

You see yourself as the 'fixer' for his issues, it seems.

If by the time he has got into his 30s, he hasn't got sex sorted in his head, I don't feel there is much hope to be honest.

I wasted years with a man who had a deep fear of pregnancy which limited our relationship, with me 'trying to work him out, but it was a red herring. He had other much deeper sexual issues from a very oppressed upbringing.

Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't want to be fixed, or can't be, other than with professional help.

@Bonehilda Reading your updates on his cancer, and I'm sorry to hear that, he must have been in his 20s when he had it (if he's early 30s now.) That's very young to have the type of cancer though not unheard of.

He would surely have been, as a young man with no children, have been offered sperm collection and storage before treatment with chemo. It's very important now with treatment that they do try to preserve fertility in people so young, or provide options like sperm collection or egg collection for women. If that wasn't offered, and of course I don't know the details, is he perhaps just making a very general point that chemo 'can make some people infertile'?

I would hate to think he was lying to you or exaggerating, to cover up anything deeply psychological.

What I find sad is that you seem to be too close to this issue to take an objective view of it.

It is quite possible he is gay, and not come out, - millions of married men with children are in that boat.

If he's not, it's possible he has an STI and isn't saying (have you seen paperwork/ records showing he has nothing?)

Wanting to use a condom to prevent you getting PG is great. All for that.

But the rest of his sexual behaviour is deeply worrying.
He maybe has a history of watching porn so can only come with masturbation and it takes him ages, or he finds women's vaginas unpleasant in some way and can't orgasm inside of them.

Why doesn't he help you orgasm but leaves you to do it to yourself?

@bonehilda it's neither patronising or unhelpful, you just don't want to hear the truth it seems. You are cherry picking which issues to reply to, and ignoring the overwhelming response that The. Condom. Is. Not. The. Issue.

Can't add that much that hasnt been said anyway. But poor you and him too. This isnt a normal situation most all men, and a lot of women, can't stick condoms there're just a necessasy nusiance for STI prevention or Birth control.

I sometimes find it difficult to pop with a condom BUT I'm close to 70 and most times have to use Viagra it all works but it takes longer no doubt, less condom much better.

I think as others have said theres something not as it ought be in your bloke. I expect that he's had very little exprence anyway and some blokes do benefit with a older woman who will tell them what she likes and how she likes it!, younger women haven't that much expernce but.

I think one way or the other you'll have to get him to see a professional counsellor or therapist it seems he has deep rooted fears or problems. It seems to you think a lot of him and do love him but its such a shame that a decent sex life isnt in that for you and him so as suggested someone to unravel whats going on with is is i think that answer.

@JinglingHellsBells

A lot of the info here doesn't sit right for me.

The cancer may have been many years ago. Too many posters are assuming it was recently.

If men have cancer treatment now- young men especially- everything possible is done to conserve their fertility. They can store sperm, for a start. This is routine.

The same applies to women.

But it's much easier for a man to have his sperm checked than for women to have their fertility assessed( unless they have had their ovaries removed or blasted with radiation.)

There are, for me, too many issues here that don't add up .
If this man thinks he is infertile, and he doesn't want children, he could have the snip. If he is terrified of the OP becoming PG, surely that's more of an incentive?

I still think he has issues that are nothing to do with his cancer treatment, and you can shout at me all you like about jumping to conclusions about his sexuality, but I still hold that something isn't right. At best, he is a selfish git in bed, at worst, he's got issues around his sexual preferences or performance. and needs to find therapy to talk it over.

I really don't think you know what you are talking about but please, don't let that stop you from running in and misdiagnosing the man.

I've not seen anyone claim his cancer treatment was recent - why is that important? If he suffered nerve damage as a result it's unimportant how recent the treatment was.

Patients are offered an opportunity to freeze sperm or eggs - if there's time. A close friend of mine has recently been diagnosed. Three days between diagnosis and chemo starting so no time for fertility sparing treatment.

Lastly, it's up to him to decide if he wants fertility tests or not. Why is it so important for him to find out? He's telling partners that he might be infertile, it's up to them if it's a deal breaker. As for a vasectomy - maybe he doesn't want another procedure, maybe he's put off by the chance of complications

I get that you like him and you really, really want this to be a great relationship, but you are taking responsibility for an issue that isn't your yours, and you are making it about the condom when it is obvious to everyone here not emotionally involved that it isn't really about that.

He has issues with sex and intimacy. He can't come with you stimulating him and he won't stimulate you to orgasm. Those are two major issues that I don't think you should ignore. Your willingness to believe a problem with him is actually a problem with you is concerning, as it your need to fix this. You have only been together a year. Do you really want a man who is already a project to be fixed? If he was open to working with it, then maybe, but it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that at all.

The 'not having an orgasm in the same room' I took to be hyperbole for effect, not sure why anyone would take it literally.

Not sure why anyone would make shit up on someone else's thread for effect 🤷🏻‍♀️

@StuffThem Yes, I was with someone who sometimes took the time to help me achieve orgasm. Toys after sex and oral/fingers before depending on the mood. The other times I was satisfied I could make him come.

After thinking about it, just being able to help him and him help me after is what I feel is missing.
I feel like I'm flipping back and forward between two different issues, but ultimately I just want to be the one to make him orgasm and to have some effort spent on me by any means necessary. I want that reassurance that I am enough and he's not repulsed by my body. And now I see I'm not getting that

Is there any compromises I could suggest? I know a talk is needed.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras You are fully entitled to think what you want, and so am I. As I am fully entitled to make comments , as are you.

Your post offers 1 example of late diagnosis. So?

You say it's up to him to assess his fertility. So?
That's obvious.

I don't think your post contributes anything useful at all, other than giving you some satisfaction of criticising another opinion.

The point of threads is to give an opinion.

Why are so sure yours is the only one that is the right one?

but ultimately I just want to be the one to make him orgasm and to have some effort spent on me by any means necessary.

This is not how sex should be. I know you don't mean it, but the above sounds a bit controlling, that he must have an orgasm with you and you are desirable enough.

If he wanted you to help him orgasm he would let you.

If he wanted to help you, he would.

Is he on a forum asking for advice? I doubt it.

Honestly, and I say this kindly as someone who wasted 5 years with a man with psychosexual issues, this is not worth your time and effort.

If it is, then you could suggest sex therapy with a professional.

You have had lots of advice on what to do today and many posters have said it's time to walk away.

There's nothing like being that intimate, trusting and vulnerable with someone
Not when there is a risk of a pregnancy and that is something you really really don't want.

Imagine really really not wanting a child, but your oh could force you to do so, and make you pay for it for 20 years. This can't legally happen to a woman but how would it feel if it could?

It is possible to fall.oregnsnt on the 8mpkant. Or you could decide to take it off and not tell him. Yes it would be a massive act of mistrust but sadly these acts do happen even from the women who have been most trust worthy. People are betrayed all the time from people they never imagine could do so.

His insisting to wear a condom could also be a matter of control. He is in charge of insuring you don't get pregnant. The issue of him not ejaculating in you with the condom on is something you need to discuss but don't put pressure on him to not wear one.

@Myneighboursnorlax my last reply didnt show so retyping. He takes about 15 minutes to come. I dont know why he wont help me finish either. I put his hand down on me as a signal to finger me but he just moves it away. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him what I want as I made it obvious and i can't do dirty talk that well either as I feel awkward.

Why are so sure yours is the only one that is the right one?

We can be sure that yours are not, as they are mired in homophobia and general nonsense.

@thedancingbear Maybe stop the personal attacks? It's not something I wish to join in with. You are entitled to an opinion without resorting to nastiness.

@Zaphodsotherhead it does feel good while he's doing it, but the end where he pulls out and thats it is very frustrating. That is the really unsatisfying part.

@happydinosaur53 I am reading all the advice given and taking it on board. Theres a lot to come to terms with, some parts due to me trying to accept what everyone is saying. It doesn't mean I'm not ignoring anything.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz no hes never given me an orgasm.

@Purpleartichoke thank you, I think you're right.

This really isn't decent sex. I would find it utterly soul destroying tbh.

You are confusing the contraception issue with your DP's issue which is he can only come from wanking, he doesn't want you to be any part of it and doesn't want to pleasure you to orgasm either. Plus he's not being honest with you as he's not telling you why he does this.

I suspect death-grip from too much porn (do you know about this?) together with a large dose of selfish-git-itis.

It's not about the contraception, he doesn't want to have sex with you properly, and doesn't want to even admit it.

Come on, you can do better than this, surely?

@tenlittlecygnets I can't make myself come. It helps when someone else does it so the next move isn't predictable. That probably sounds weird.

OP have you had a frank chat with him?

Have you asked what's behind all of this?

For example, have you asked why he doesn't come inside you?

Have you asked why he won't help you orgasm?

It seems you are both not talking about all of this.

Going back to your very first post, on his fear of pregnancy, ( and doesn't ever want children), AND there is a chance he is infertile, surely the obvious thing to do is to find out? Otherwise he will never ever have sex without a condom unless the woman is post menopause.

Have you talked about this at all?

If he's never given you an orgasm (and worse than that, seems quite happy with this arrangement) he is NOT a decent lover.

He is using your body for a turn-on before wanking himself to climax.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?!

You should not have to negotiate, beg or change contraception to get a partner to want to make you come. It's the whole point of sex! And if he cares so little about your pleasure that he isn't even trying, you have deeper problems than your sex life, I'm afraid.

Please, stop trying to fix this. He's treating you like a wank-aid, not a whole human being with feelings. Please, wise up, woman! Get angry and get rid.

@JinglingHellsBells have you apologised for your earlier homophobic posts on this thread?

It sounds to me like he really, really doesn’t want to become a father. Not only will he only ever have sex with a condom, but it sounds like he refuses to ejaculate inside you even when he is wearing one. That shows a significant level of determination to ensure that his semen goes nowhere near your eggs.

Is there a back story here? Had he had a bad experience in the past in which he believes a woman has attempted to deceive him into impregnating her? It does happen, after all.

@MamaFirst I'm not cherry picking replies, I'm trying my best to answer the questions people are asking.

@JinglingHellsBells I can see how that came across, I didnt mean he must orgasm with me, i just meant that I would like it if I could at least be a part of it. I'm not prepared to walk just yet, not without exhausting all other options. I do want to try.

The condoms aren't the issue really, are they? You think you'd feel the same if he would have full sex with you with the condom on? He isn't even trying to give you an orgasm? Why not? I don't think I could have a happy sex life with this man, at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitzno hes never given me an orgasm

And you've said yourself you can't make yourself orgasm.

Has he even tried?

I wouldn't want to never have another orgasm.