TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

So, you can't make yourself orgasm and he won't help you, even when you have asked him to? Does that mean every time you have sex you end up lying there frustrated? This is not great sex. You have only been with him a year and he won't make any effort to change this. I would start thinking about if this is the future you want.

@SirVixofVixHall I'm in my 30s, if think of things doesn't get better with our sex life I know that leaving is the option to take as you've wisely said, it takes two. But he's the only one I've been with who hasn't hurt me via cheating or abuse and has been there through all my ups and downs so I'm reluctant to leave because of this.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz no he isn't catholic.

To everyone else wondering about death grip, I didnt know that was a thing until today. It could be that he knows how to pleasure himself the way he likes it. But i would like him to teach me. We will be having a serious discussion about both of our needs.

@StuffThem thank you so much, I will sit and talk to him about everything. I'll also give being more open in bed a go, maybe if he sees me step out of my comfort zone with directions etc, then he might be willing to give things a try too. I don't want to give up on us, not just yet anyway.

You want to feel that he finds you sexy and desirable, and you want equal attention to your needs in bed
Actually, an ongoing dialogue that once you're into it neither one should feel like they want to end it. The never ending exploration of what turns each of you on. It'sdelicious,and hilarious, and hot, and embarrassing, and intimate, and experimental and all the things. I promise you, that both partners exploring "how can I turn you on" can only lead to fucking amazing sex and emotional intimacy

THIS! I'm not confident in my body at all, I want to feel like I am sexy in his eyes and that I can turn him on. I crave to be left wanting more and do all those fun and embarrassing things, being able to laugh at ourselves while experimenting and exploring each others likes and dislikes instead of the same routine. @StuffThem thank you!!! You've given me the courage to get this sorted out.

@StuffThem

Maybe he's got really good reasons why he doesn't want you to touch him though?

Wouldn't it be helpful to them both if they talked about it

I don't know. Maybe it's an intensely personal reason that he doesn't yet feel ready to share?

I doubt anyone would insist that a woman that had been abused for example and couldn't bear a particular thing had to tell partners the reason?

He's made it clear that he doesn't want to be touched in a certain way, why isn't that enough of a reason? It's his body.

@sonjadog no, but I'm going to sit him down and have a very open talk with him, he needs to know it's not ok and I need to stop walking on egg shells (not his fault, my past relationships haven't made communication without fear of being ridiculed easy). This thread is making me see that I need to work through some issues of my own too.

He is entitled to manage his fertility in whatever way he sees fit. You are entitled to leave if you are not satisfied. You are not entitled to browbeat him about it. You've asked him to change his choice of contraception (basically by relying on yours). He has told you he doesnt want to. That should be the end of the conversation. In the same way that if you wanted to bum him with a strap-on and he said no, it's not a matter of "compromise" or "having a serious chat". You want him to perform a sexual act he is not comfortable with. Your options are to accept that or leave.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras if when we talk, he's not ready to open up then I will respect that. I dont want to pry into things he's not comfortable sharing if he doesn't want to give me his life story. I will ask that we both try, as a couple, to overcome this so at the end of it we are both satisfied, happy and confident with our sex lives. Maybe if he hears I'm not ok with how it makes me feel? Now I'm beginning to doubt myself with how the talk should go.

I think having a frank and open talk with him sounds like a good idea. See if he is willing to make the effort to improve your sex life. Also see what his response is.

I can understand if you have earlier experienced cheating and abuse that someone who doesn't do those things can seem like a catch, but there is so much more to a great relationship than not cheating or abusing. He might be a nice enough guy and an okay boyfriend, without him being the one for you. It sounds like you are starting to take action though. I hope he responds well to your chat!

@VeniceQueen2004 have you even read the thread? I know he is in charge of his body, the posters on here have made me see I was being selfish with that, and blind at what the issue actually is. I made the first post about me and my needs and failed to realise that he wants to protect both of us.

I’m all about letting your partner know what you like sexually and vice versa but this sounds like a mammoth project.

He doesn’t like touching you.
Won’t touch you intimately.
Doesn’t make you orgasm.
Won’t give you oral.
Won’t let you touch him intimately.
Can’t cum during sex.

He’s in his 30’s so it’s not going to be easy to unlearn and learn things sexually.

I’d walk. You’ve been together a year....can you imagine living like this for ten, twenty or more years?

So he’s being responsible and this is a problem for you. Would you rather you got pregnant. Men are damned if they want to be careful and damned if they don’t. Just be grateful you have a responsible partner. I think you’re being very unreasonable.

OP have a look at the Freedom Programme.
I feel v sad for you. It seems that you have limited expectations based on past experience. You really do deserve a better time than this.
I hope your talks are productive, but if he won’t address this , then I think you should end it.

He's being responsible but I do find it weird how he has to finish him self off. Why can't he let you do it? You won't get pregnant that way. Sounds very odd! You need to speak to him and tell him that your ending up unsatisfied!

OP does he ever initiate sex or is it you? If it is him does he do so enthusiastically and frequently or is it more routine/duty or even reluctantly?

It's really sad that you're still not addressing the fact that he doesn't satisfy you. I have no idea why you're concerned about his pleasure when he has shown no interest in yours. Why doesn't he touch you? Why doesn't he give you oral sex? Why does he not ensure that you orgasm. You're so wrapped up in his needs that you're ignoring your own. It really sounds like you're lacking in confidence ans self esteem and you feel that you don't deserve more.

@Happydinosaur53

It's really sad that you're still not addressing the fact that he doesn't satisfy you. I have no idea why you're concerned about his pleasure when he has shown no interest in yours. Why doesn't he touch you? Why doesn't he give you oral sex? Why does he not ensure that you orgasm. You're so wrapped up in his needs that you're ignoring your own. It really sounds like you're lacking in confidence ans self esteem and you feel that you don't deserve more.

Couldn’t have said it better.

Sorry but your sex life doesn't sound great. You cannot pressure a person to give up a method of contraception but that doesn't mean you have to settle for a man using you for a bit of penetration so he can then wank next to you. Honestly sounds so unattractive. You may put up with it now but you will come to massively resent it over time. He needs to seek some help.

It's really sad that you're still not addressing the fact that he doesn't satisfy you. I have no idea why you're concerned about his pleasure when he has shown no interest in yours. Why doesn't he touch you? Why doesn't he give you oral sex? Why does he not ensure that you orgasm. You're so wrapped up in his needs that you're ignoring your own. It really sounds like you're lacking in confidence ans self esteem and you feel that you don't deserve more

This 100%

@sonjadog thank you for your honesty. If things dont improve I will have to decide if I can stay in this relationship.

@MashedSpud seeing it all written out makes it seem so much worse. I will give him a chance, I need that much so I'm not left with what ifs.

@SirVixofVixHall thank you I'll have a look at it. And thank you for your honesty.

@winterchills that's what I hope to find out. Even if it's just my hand over his helping him, or letting me be on top for more than a couple of minutes to see if I can make him come.

@lexilooo I'd say we both initiate fairly evenly. When he does, he's very hands on, groping, kissing, I feel he does get turned on as do I. But it seems like that feeling doesn't last throughout for him.

@happydinosaur53 I know, I'm planning on talking to him about all of it. I like the people I'm with to feel satisfied and have their needs met, I like making people happy. But as others has pointed out, it goes both ways and should be concentrating on myself too.

Good luck op. I really hope things improve for you.

@Bonehilda it's good to see you're finally talking sense. You absolutely need to give him this opportunity but don't waste too much time. Don't settle for less than you deserve. I think you should come back and read this thread if you ever doubt yourself. The majority of us are talking from experience. I know I am.

@Bonehilda

I'm sure it's been asked by what is the deal with oral? (For him)

How does that work?

@haveyoutriedgoogle

Every single thread on here where there is an 'accidental' pregnancy with the coil or the pill or the implant has multiple comments along the lines of 'well if he REALLY didn't want kids, he should have worn condoms'. So yes, you are being very unreasonable. He is taking charge of, and responsibility for, his fertility.

Absolutely. When I first started visiting parenting forums, one of the things that shocked me was how many women admitted to having conceived by lying to their partners about contraception. It doesn't get discussed as much on MN as it does on other sites, but it happens all the time. Men are taking a life-changing gamble if they have sex without a condom.

He’s never given you an orgasm? And you think you have great sex?! He doesn’t want to touch you. He doesn’t want to see you enjoy it. He is basically having solo sex.

It sounds utterly miserable.

He needs to face his issues or you need to leave, if you want a decent and reciprocal sex life. You deserve a good sex life. With orgasms! With someone who wants to give you them - and is happy and eager to take them from you.

I completely understand your reasons why you want to have sex without a condom. It IS much better. You do feel closer. It’s extra special because that wouldn’t (or shouldn’t!) happen with anyone but your committed partner.

My DH makes sure I have finished first. I’ve been with him 14 years and he has given me an orgasm every single time we’ve had sex. We occasionally finish together, but the fact is he CARES that I have had a good time. He then finishes after me - inside, no condoms in sight. We’ve not used them for over ten years.

That’s a great sex life OP. You can have one too - but you need someone who cares that you have w good time. He clearly doesn’t. He could help you to finish but he’s not interested, or afraid to for some reason.

I feel sad for you.