TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

@Osirus

He’s never given you an orgasm? And you think you have great sex?! He doesn’t want to touch you. He doesn’t want to see you enjoy it. He is basically having solo sex.

It sounds utterly miserable.

He needs to face his issues or you need to leave, if you want a decent and reciprocal sex life. You deserve a good sex life. With orgasms! With someone who wants to give you them - and is happy and eager to take them from you.

I completely understand your reasons why you want to have sex without a condom. It IS much better. You do feel closer. It’s extra special because that wouldn’t (or shouldn’t!) happen with anyone but your committed partner.

My DH makes sure I have finished first. I’ve been with him 14 years and he has given me an orgasm every single time we’ve had sex. We occasionally finish together, but the fact is he CARES that I have had a good time. He then finishes after me - inside, no condoms in sight. We’ve not used them for over ten years.

That’s a great sex life OP. You can have one too - but you need someone who cares that you have w good time. He clearly doesn’t. He could help you to finish but he’s not interested, or afraid to for some reason.

I feel sad for you.

Using a condom doesn't mean a man doesn't care about you or doesn't want you to enjoy sex. The rest of it sounds strange but the using of a condom? No, that means he's concerned about their health and about ensuring no accidental pregnancy. It's not right to try and guilt men into not using condoms by saying they don't care about you if they do.

I had a long term boyfriend who was exactly the same. After a big heart to heart about it, he told me that his previous partner (they were engaged to be married) had fallen pregnant while on the pill, he wanted the baby and she didn't, she had an abortion. It broke his heart and he wanted to make sure it never happened again I suppose.

But, presumably, ItsSpitting, he gave you orgasms and you had an otherwise satisfactory sex life?

I don't think it's a man's role to 'give' orgasms. It's not like a birthday present :)
Everything I have read by sex experts says it's the woman's responsibility to achieve it, (as is the man's) although of course a partner helps with it.

What' s wrong in this relationship is the lack of communication. If they aren't talking about the issues, they aren't going to get it right in bed.

OP- I do get how you want to please him but it also comes over as tiny bit controlling like 'I must please him because that makes me feel good.' It's like you need that feedback, to feel wanted, rather than it being something you do for someone without any need for gratitude.

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't think it's a man's role to 'give' orgasms. It's not like a birthday present :) Everything I have read by sex experts says it's the woman's responsibility to achieve it, (as is the man's) although of course a partner helps with it.

What' s wrong in this relationship is the lack of communication. If they aren't talking about the issues, they aren't going to get it right in bed.

OP- I do get how you want to please him but it also comes over as tiny bit controlling like 'I must please him because that makes me feel good.' It's like you need that feedback, to feel wanted, rather than it being something you do for someone without any need for gratitude.

I've never really understood that

So, if the man fucks for three minutes, stops when he cums, gets off, somehow the woman has to take responsibility for her own orgasm?

Is that by throwing him out and getting a man who'll lick her for 40 minutes? Cos that ...I'm onboard with
If it's just a way of saying 'it's your own fault you didn't cum. I was fine, sort yourself out' I am less fine with that

It sounded here like he stops when she gets excited. Well that's not much use, is it?

He’s being sensible. Would I trust a male partner who was on a pil or had an implant? Hells no!

UPDATE: I spoke to him this morning. I told him everything and he said he liked it how it was and I was crazy if I thought he was going to waste his life pleasing other people and if I'm not happy that's my problem! It's over and I'm so angry and upset! I've never felt so humiliated

Me neither @TheLegendOfZelda !

I want to give my partner as much pleasure as I can.

If they're not interested in doing the same I find that selfish and deeply unattractive, and I wouldn't be having sex with them.

That is a shame that he responded like that, but at least you know not to waste any more time on him!

@Bonehilda crossed posted with you.... HOLY FUCK what a tosser! pun only semi intended

I'm sorry that you've just had a horrible shock but I'm glad in a way he has made it so clear for you.

I promise you, there are men out there who are all about getting their kicks from pleasing their woman.

I do hope you find a good one next

Can you stay on the contraception your on so your protected and then to be extra extra safe use the withdrawal method instead of a condom?

Don't feel humiliated. He is the one who should be embarrassed over being such a poor excuse for a partner.

UPDATE: I spoke to him this morning. I told him everything and he said he liked it how it was and I was crazy if I thought he was going to waste his life pleasing other people and if I'm not happy that's my problem! It's over and I'm so angry and upset! I've never felt so humiliated

I'm not surprised you are angry and upset. That's awful.
But it's told you everything you need to know.
He's very selfish and he was already showing this in his attitude to sex.
I hope you are able to move on for this and in time find someone who is sexually compatible with you and who makes you feel loved and wanted. Good luck OP.

Don't feel humiliated. He is the one who should be embarrassed over being such a poor excuse for a partner.

This, 100 times over.

There is only one person who should feel embarrassed and humiliated and that's him.

I was crazy if I thought he was going to waste his life pleasing other people

Wow. You are well rid.

@Bonehilda

UPDATE: I spoke to him this morning. I told him everything and he said he liked it how it was and I was crazy if I thought he was going to waste his life pleasing other people and if I'm not happy that's my problem! It's over and I'm so angry and upset! I've never felt so humiliated

Don't feel humiliated. He's the one who's revealed himself to be a complete tosser (literally).

There's an oft-quoted adage on here: when a man tells you who he is, listen.

He's told you loud and clear who he is - a selfish bastard. Get the hell out of there.

@Bonehilda you're honestly well rid the whole thing was bizzare in that he was just so self involved. Also I know you said he wasn't crap in bed but everything you've said about home hit taking hunts or caring about your pleasure indicates otherwise. Does he think relationships aren't about making the other person happy and comprises?! He sounds like a teenager tbh! Don't feel humilitated it's him not you.

This surprises me not a jot! Please dont be humiliated over such a selfish, self centered, loser though. Honestly, he's probably never experienced sex how it should be and he's too prideful and stuck in his rut to consider there are other options. At 30 something, he is ignorant and missing out! You are well rid! Hold your head high and be proud of yourself for not putting your needs at the bottom of the pile, you deserve better 💐

Why should you feel humiliated? You tried to have an adult conversation about developing your sexual relationship to being more mutually satisfying. He said he’d prefer to wank himself off instead.
I know who the one who should be humiliated is. not you

Don't feel humiliated.
He's making it clear that he is unwilling to listen to you and isn't interested in a relationship that is sexually fulfilling for both people.

If he seriously thinks that wanting a wank over intimacy with a partner is the way he wants to live then he'll be a lonely man.

His issues aren't your responsibility.

I think he is anxious about premature ejaculation.
I also sense that maybe in the past he has had something happen in a past relationship

This is one of those threads where it is really obvious when posters haven't read beyond the first post, isn't it?

@sonjadog yep

He wants kids, just not with you.

And there's another one.

@Bonehilda I'm so sorry that he gave you such a crap answer. But trust me, now you can go on to find a partner who is committed to making sure you have as good a time as he does. There are lots of them out there. Don't settle for less.