To have another baby to please dh

[berryford]

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

"I wish he would be happy with what he has and leave this alone but on the few times he's reluctantly accepted my decision within a day he's back to pleading me to do it he can't get another baby out of his head.
Telling me I don't seem to realise how much he wants this."

Tell him if he wants to have another baby that badly to go and have one with someone else. Seriously.

He's harassing and bullying you into doing something which you don't want to do, the vast brunt of which will be left to you and not him and for extremely questionable motives.

He needs to grow up and learn that no-one has an automatic right to a baby of any sex, that he's extremely lucky to have two healthy girls of his own and a stepson with whom he has a good relationship. Not to mention a tolerant and acommodating wife. If he doesn't respect and value what he has now he has no right to bully you into adding to this family.

Besides which his aspiration to make you go through the whole thing just so he can have a "mini footballer" is abhorrent.

He does realise that genetically it is the male seed that determines if the child is male or female?
How will it impact his his mental health if you have a third daughter - will he see it as his "fault" he doesnt have a son?
Would he resent D3 for not being S1?
Why are his 2 Ds inadequate? Why is having a son so important?
Where is his consideration for you? The person who says no to another child always takes priority over the one who wants a child.
Behaving as you state is deeply unattractive and more likely to put you off than to have agree to another child.

What if, just saying, you give in, you have a child and it's a boy.

But that boy isn't the son your DH thought he would be. Your DH clearly has opinions on what this ideal son would be like, what they would do together. Would he love this putative son if he were gay? Or had learning difficulties? Was born with a major health problem?

He may think and say he'd be fine with it, but would he? Really? If his DS didn't fit the image in his head, would he be on at you to try for another one, to get the DS he's dreaming of?

I am a bit sympathetic to his feelings, as I desperately wanted a girl after three boys but didn't try for another because my partner was very against it. I do think his reasons are crap and sexist, though, and I believe firmly that your bodily autonomy trumps all in this picture anyway. I also think that if he feels comfortable using phrases like 'a son of my own' and talking about wanting to take sons to football, he'd do better to be looking at the quality of his relationships with the children you've already got.

I'm surprised no one's mentioned this already, but I also think that anyone who talks about moving house, getting more work in and buying a new car as though those are all simply up for grabs if you want them may need to be paying a bit more attention to news and current affairs. I think the next few years are going to be unkind economically to all but a very few of us.

I think he needs to find a way to move beyond this, as it has the capacity to destabilise your marriage whatever you decide tbh.

I can't believe that anyone would want a boy "to take to football" in this day and age. My dad (no sons) LOVED taking my sister and me to football - and that was back in the 1970s/early 80s!

Hmmm based on your updates OP - I would really get serious and ask him 'do you care more about having a son or being married to me?'. What was he like during your pregnancies? Was he supportive - does he understand the physical strain? Because it just seems like he think its like making a cheese sandwich or something, like 'oop just gimme 5 mins there lemme rustle up this baby'.

If you have a third girl she will grow up knowing she was ‘Daddy’s little disappointment’ - it’ll completely fuck with her self esteem (and yours, and that of your other 3 children).

Your DH needs to through his weird need for biological male offspring with a therapist.

OP your husband sounds absolutely awful. And I mean, genuinely horrible. There is so much wrong with what he’s saying and doing that I don’t know where to start. It is all about his ego and fuck the effect on your body and well-being, that doesn’t seem to even factor into his thinking. If that were my husband, never mind begging me to have this third baby, he would at this point need to be begging me to consider continuing in the marriage. No way could I love someone who looks at our children through these eyes, where there very existence is all about him and his own wants and to hell with his wife. I’m so sorry you’re being out through this

*their

ah the old football bollox - what a lot of sexist drivel

I have 3 daughters - 2 play football - it takes up our entire weekend (they play for two different teams each!) not to mention training - and watching it on TV

you don't need a penis to play or watch football - he's a twat

The thing is you’re the one going through pregnancy, who will be the one at home with the child. And what happens if it’s a girl?! He’s an arse.

Even if he gets his absolute, perfect, dream son it will fuck with the other kids’ heads (and yours, because you’ll be the one trying to keep all 4 kids happy despite their dickhead dad).

There is no good outcome from having a baby in these circumstances.

Another daughter will be a disappointment (and he might keep mithering for more or leave you to try with someone else.

A son that is anything other than exactly whatever it is your H has in his head will also be a disappointment (and shit for the little boy, and you, and the other kids)

And a perfect son will create a horrible imbalance between the other members of the family.

Life will not be better for any of you, not even your H, who is acting out of fantasy, not reality.

My dad used to take me to rugby in the 70s. My brother wasn't interested.

It's very disturbing that he thinks if he does have a boy he's bound to be a boyish boy. What if he wants to be a ballet dancer or a fashion designer?

It's just as bad when you hear women saying they want a girl to do girly things with like spa days and shopping.

Aw the big man wants his son and heir and is willing to make you and your daughters to make sacrifices to get it.

Yuck. I'd send him for therapy, weird misogynistic man

@Rainycloudyday

OP your husband sounds absolutely awful. And I mean, genuinely horrible. There is so much wrong with what he’s saying and doing that I don’t know where to start. It is all about his ego and fuck the effect on your body and well-being, that doesn’t seem to even factor into his thinking. If that were my husband, never mind begging me to have this third baby, he would at this point need to be begging me to consider continuing in the marriage. No way could I love someone who looks at our children through these eyes, where there very existence is all about him and his own wants and to hell with his wife. I’m so sorry you’re being out through this

Couldn't have put it better than this. It's all about him, his fragile ego, his need to have a mini me to put in the correct football strip.

His existing family, his two daughters, his stepson, you appear not to enter into his considerations at all. It's all about having a little footballer.

You're married to a selfish man child who gives no consideration to what this will mean to anyone else in his family.

Unless he calls of this campaign of harassment you should seriously consider whether you want to continue to be married to him. He doesn't care about you at all.

Your dh sounds like Henry VIII

No way, you know how much hard work is involved. To try for a boy is silly, it may be another girl! I would say no and mean no.

Twin girls

Having another baby on the 50/50 chance that it'll be male is a recipe for disaster. People should only have children if they are going to love them unconditionally.

My ex - note ex! - was not dissimilar. Desperate for children but, underneath it all, in a very specific way. He wanted boys so he could play rugby and cricket with them and (essentially) all the things he wished his father had done with him. And he wanted several boys because a) he wanted a little group to play with and b) he was concerned that if we just had one and something happened to him, what would he do then?

There is just so much wrong with these attitudes I hardly know where to start. As PPs have said, what if you had a boy and he was trans or gay, or they were differently abled, just had no interest in the same things as your husband or they didn't even really get on because the poor child always felt the weight of his father's expectations? Or you had a girl - are you going to watch the unwanted girls stack up while forever being under pressure for "just one more go" until you've got a hoohaa like a wizard's sleeve and you'll only get respite from the menopause?

As for having a name picked out, well. It's all about him and only him, isn't it? It's all about His Son and bugger what you want. That alone would set a massive alarm bell clanging away.

If you don't want another child then for the love of god don't have one. Make it clear to your partner that this is your decision and there is no further discussion and certainly no pleading, little comments or alluding to his feelings on the matter in any way. Having been through this particular shit show, any partner who now tried to put pressure on me would be on the receiving end of a divorce lawyer.

This seems really clear cut to me. You've given him 2 beautiful children, there is another male presence in the house and there's no guarantee of the next child being a boy or the sort of old stereotype son that he wants but most of all it's your body, your choice. You are not a breeding heifer.

Your DH sounds sexist, selfish and immature. If you've had a thorough discussion about it he needs to let it go and if it's bothering him so much for all those stupid reasons he's given you then tell him to seek professional help to come to terms with it. He sounds like a pain.

My ex - note ex! - was not dissimilar. Desperate for children but, underneath it all, in a very specific way. He wanted boys so he could play rugby and cricket with them and (essentially) all the things he wished his father had done with him.

OP, what sort of relationship did your husband have with his own father?

@DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong

If you have a third girl she will grow up knowing she was ‘Daddy’s little disappointment’ - it’ll completely fuck with her self esteem (and yours, and that of your other 3 children).

Your DH needs to through his weird need for biological male offspring with a therapist.

A particular type of biological male offspring, at that. Because it doesn't sound like a boy who doesn't like football would do the trick either.

on the few times he's reluctantly accepted my decision within a day he's back to pleading me to do it he can't get another baby out of his head.Telling me I don't seem to realise how much he wants this.

So it's time to lose your shit. Shout and scream. Another baby is not happening so does he want to put his energies into accepting that and counting his blessings - two healthy daughters and a lovely stepson he's lucky enough to get on with really well - or does he want to just continue undermining your marriage by trying to pressure you into another baby?

He is NBU to want a son and he is NBU to be upset at the prospect of not having one.

YANBU to say no.

A baby should be wanted by both it's parents. Unless both are on board, it's a no-go. Upsetting for the one who doesn't get the child they want, but that's how it has to be.