To have another baby to please dh

[berryford]

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

OP please be really vigilant about your contraceptives and fertile window. Do NOT use condoms with this man.

He sounds like Henry the 8th lol

I think he should put things in perspective - plenty of people can’t even have 1 kid. He has a stepson and two daughters. Plus, daughters can do a lot of things they wouldn’t be able to in the 1950s. Maybe speak to him and see exactly why he wants a son and see if those needs can somehow be met via a daughter and if his needs are even realistic (like if he wants a son just to play football with - who’s to say the son would even like football?)

Daft man.

I know a couple who have 7 sons because they kept trying for a girl.

Did you tell him that girls can play football and go to matches, and that his son could well end up loving clothes and makeup?

Well seeing as trans men are men he just needs to persuade one of your daughter's they're trans.

Why can't he go to the football with a daughter? The problem here is that you married a sexist

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

OP please be really vigilant about your contraceptives and fertile window. Do NOT use condoms with this man.

That’s a very good point. No matter how much you think he wouldn’t do that, he might see doing nothing wrong, in the ‘knowledge’ that you’ll end up loving the child. This is a man who will never ever agree to you having an abortion, unless, it’s a girl.

I'm not sure about the science behind whether a man is more likely to father one or the other sex. But even if it's an absolutely 50/50 chance, it's still 50/50 for each child however many of each sex you've already had.

www.ncl.ac.uk/press/articles/archive/2015/08/boyorgirlitsinthefathersgenes.html

Absolutely do not have another child to please someone else, you have enough on your hands already with a teenager and two small children to look after.

How incredibly selfish of him. Not only is he disrespecting you and your wishes, he is fantasising about a child that doesn't exist. So if you did have a boy he would already have a set of expectations on that child. What if he didn't like football

To be frank he sounds immature and irresponsible as well as not showing any love for you by trying to emotionally de-rail you into having a child you don't want! For gods sake. I have two daughters and my eldest LOVES going to her football club at the weekend, when she's a bit older my DH is going to get season tickets for the football for them. Oh and she's also mad about Disney and princesses 🤷‍♀️

Just being real here, but he should see your teenage boy as his own son too. My friend married someone and she already had a child. He said he loves the boy as much as he loves my friend. She always said they come as a package. And my friends husband adopted the son and now he has his surname too and they're all really happy.

Does he not have a good bond with your son, imagine if your son overheard him saying I want a son of my own!!!!

Quite apart from anything else, and at risk of sounding like a harbinger of doom, we're about to enter possibly the worst recession this country has ever seen. Having a fourth baby atm seems like insanity.

You are mad to consider it even for a second. You have 3 children already which is more than enough. You have a smallish house so would be cramped or would have to move.

Why can people not be satisfied with what they have? He has 2 daughters who I assume are healthy and your son. If he is so keen on boys why is not your son enough for him?

Sounds like you're going to have to be firm. lay all your cards on the table and tell him of he wants another baby so much, he'll have to find someone else to have it with, because you're done.

@berryford He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches, he looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him and yes he says to carry on the family name.

Can girls not go to matches or play football? I must have imagined womens football. Why is he insisting that his daughters aren’t allowed to carry on the family name?

I have a son, hes five, I take him to rugby tots (well, usually) he hates it, but I paid for a term in one go so I made him finish it, he still hated it at the end of term and used to spend most of his time rolling around on the floor. He has zero interest in football to the point that he is a pain in the arse at school when they have academy days. He does however love dancing around so he (well usually) goes to dance once a week which he loves and insists on showing me his ‘amazing’ moves for what seems like hours on end.

Having a knob doesn’t determine someones likes and dislikes.

I have 2 sons. I love football. They absolutely hate sport i off any kind

YANBU Who does he think he is? Henry VIII? What if it is a girl?

Sex aside, having 3 close in age has nearly pushed me over the edge, and I badly wanted all mine. A baby makes it so much harder to manage the other 2.

And just to add - even if you did have a ‘sporty’ boy there’s no guarantee it would be the right sport for dh.

I have three boys. And much to my rugby fanatic dh’s disgust they’re all completely into football and only minimally into rugby despite dh’s best efforts 😂

As my user name suggests, I'm a female football fan. I've always worn kits and gone to the match. I've passed this onto my dd. One of my ds hates football.

Also, my "d"f never failed to let me know that I was inferior to a boy . I lived with that knowledge from a very small child. I was the only girl in the family surrounded by male cousins. He wouldn't take me camping, walking etc with them because "I was only a girl". It's scarred me and I think it's the reason I became a "tomboy" preferring action man to dolls etc to try and please him. It was archaic then and this was 40+ years ago.

Btw, he eventually got his little prince who got away with murder. He didn't have to do any chores ("dishes is women's work") but the novelty wore off and he was a lousy father to him too. He never got to do the fun stuff with the cousins either.

@berryford He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches, he looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him and yes he says to carry on the family name.

Of course, girls can't go to matches or play football! Don't be silly!
I never visited one of my friends and was told "we are all going to the football" then went with her, her mum, two sisters and step-dad. Then found out that one of her sisters and step-dad went together religiously.

Nope I never dress my toddler in "boys" clothes because she likes the patterns.

Of course girls don't carry on the family name!
Absolutely none of my married female friends' whose last names would die out have not given their children their father's last name...

Tell your husband it is 2020 not 1950.

As my user name suggests, I'm a female football fan. I've always worn kits and gone to the match. I've passed this onto my dd. One of my ds hates football.

Also, my "d"f never failed to let me know that I was inferior to a boy . I lived with that knowledge from a very small child. I was the only girl in the family surrounded by male cousins. He wouldn't take me camping, walking etc with them because "I was only a girl". It's scarred me and I think it's the reason I became a "tomboy" preferring action man to dolls etc to try and please him. It was archaic then and this was 40+ years ago.

Btw, he eventually got his little prince who got away with murder. He didn't have to do any chores ("dishes is women's work") but the novelty wore off and he was a lousy father to him too. He never got to do the fun stuff with the cousins either.

It sounds like a bad idea. Even if ‘best’ case how would it make your DDs feel that they were second best, your DS feel that he isn’t fully part of the family or your future DS feel that he has to live up to some idealised version of what it means to be a son (which may or may not bear any similarity to who he actually turns out to be). All just sounds toxic and most importantly, not what you want. Say no. Let him grieve and move on as a family. I sympathise a little with him. I don’t have a DD and I had to examine what I though would be different as a mum of a DD than DSons. I realised it was all BS and in my head.

NRTFT so apologies is this has already been mentioned, but statistically you are more likely to have a girl - unless you go for IVF and screen by sex. Which might be illegal.

Sorry for double post

If he would accept not having a son if you had a 3rd girl why won’t he accept it now?

Do NOT have another baby just because he has some sexist bullshit attitude towards his daughters.

If either parent doesn’t want another child, their choice is final. But ESPECIALLY when it’s the mother who doesn’t want another one, considering it’s you who’ll go through pregnancy and childbirth and in your family it’s you who would be doing the vast majority of parenting existing children and a new baby.