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Original poster

To have another baby to please dh

281 replies

berryford · 09/07/2020 10:57

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 09/07/2020 11:23

DO NOT have another baby to please your partner. It has 50% chance of being a girl and then what, keep trying until you get a boy? He should be grateful with what he has.

Isthisfinallyit · 09/07/2020 11:24

The worst thing that could happen is that you actually have a boy, because he's already telling you that he will treat him differently than his daughters. Please don't do this.

Babyboomtastic · 09/07/2020 11:27

Aside from the ridiculousness of having a baby to specific get one sex, I actually feel sorry for him. Hear me out...

The person who doesn't want another baby always trumps the one who does. So I feel sorry that his desire for another is going to have to be unfulfilled, because that's not easy, but it's a whole lot better than forcing someone to have another baby that they have no desire for.

So whilst I can appreciate that he might feel sad about it, don't have another baby for him.

AhNowTed · 09/07/2020 11:27

No bloody way.

He's being ridiculous, selfish and quite offensive to your daughters.

Beebeet · 09/07/2020 11:28

No

keepingbees · 09/07/2020 11:32

No I wouldn't. You'd be compromising your existing children's lifestyle for a start. If he managed to work more to provide a bigger house and car then you'd all see less of him. You would have less support from him with childcare and family time.
It's your body and health put under strain and risk by another pregnancy and birth, not his.
And after all this he might not get what he wants anyway.

If you both wanted another child regardless of sex, and had the money and space to support another child then that would be different.
He needs to be happy with what he's got, which he's incredibly lucky to have.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/07/2020 11:35

Absolutely not. I would not put my body through pregnancy and labour, and then years of raising another child just to please my partner, because the children he has don't have the correct genitalia for him. Fuck that.

recycledbottle · 09/07/2020 11:36

I personally think people who want a certain sex as a child are odd. It usually signifies people who think they own their child and cause priblems if they want an independent life later on. Its just a theme I've noticed.

Phillipa12 · 09/07/2020 11:39

op we had 2 sons and 1 daughter, and then our daughter died suddenly, he persuaded me to try 1 last time as we were incomplete. I agreed on the promise that we wanted a healthy baby and not a particular sex, at the 20 week scan his words nearly killed me, he said "well at least one of us is happy with the sex of the baby" yep it was a boy and he clearly wanted a girl, he checked out of our marriage and although he loves his sons we separated 8 weeks after the birth and are now divorced. I love all my children dearly but can never forget or forgive what he said and I hope to god that ds3 never finds out.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/07/2020 11:39

You clearly shouldn’t do it.
I am concerned though at the role you are being forced into.
All of your concerns are valid and most relate to practical matters which are joint responsibilities. I don’t think it’s fair that you alone are being made responsible for the decision.
Do you believe that he would consider his position differently if you said that you MIGHT consider it AFTER you have moved house and bought a bigger car? I don’t mean that you should push these things forward to actually happen just that there should be a proper debate and some number crunching by him. Can your family really afford a bigger house and car? Can he really get enough hours to pay for these things without diluting his current practical contributions to your home and family? How many hours would he have to work? Would he be able to see his children at all.
If it’s truly complete pie-in-the-sky daydreaming from him, he should have to acknowledge that. We’re all allowed to daydream but we shouldn’t make our partners the ‘bad guy’ for squashing our dreams when they were never achievable in the first place. He might like to be an Olympic sprinter or a professional golfer or own a house in Malibu too but you aren’t the reason that those things aren’t likely to happen either.

Giespeace · 09/07/2020 11:40

Why does he want a son?
I’m imagining a Henry VIII figure, complete with codpiece, marching around your house wittering on about a son and heir to his kingdom Grin
The worst possible reason to have another child is trying for a specific sex, followed closely by having one you don’t want full stop to please someone else.
No no no no no no.
He’s a selfish prick if he doesn’t drop this.

BigSpringy · 09/07/2020 11:40

Surely the question is "does your unborn son want to be be brought into a family where one parent is only having him to keep the other happy?"

or "does your unborn daughter want to be brought into a family where one parent is only having him to keep the other happy AND the other parent really wanted her to be a boy"?

It's unfair to them...

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/07/2020 11:41

What a pathetic reason to have a baby. You don't have room for one, you don't want one - but he wants his child to have a particular set of genitals. Sexist prick.

missymousey · 09/07/2020 11:42

Absolutely don't, that's insane.

Has he explained why he wants a boy?

RedToothBrush · 09/07/2020 11:42

Why are his daughters such a disappointment for him?

Thats his problem and the one you need to deal with. Not his childish and sexist ideas of how he wants a boy for selfish reasons.

He is emotionally blacckmailing you into having another child that you don't want and will have to do the majority of labour to look after and care for, just because he thinks it would be 'nice'.

He doesn't respect you nor value you. Nor does he respect or value your daughters. You might want to reflect on this.

mencken · 09/07/2020 11:42

it is 2020. Why are you married to Henry VIII?

worrying that he values his existing children so little because of their genitalia.

Crankley · 09/07/2020 11:43

I know a couple who were desperate for a girl - they had nine sons and the 10th was a girl. Is he going to want to do that? All of your reasons are valid - say no.

Coronabegone · 09/07/2020 11:43

Total madness!

Ninkanink · 09/07/2020 11:44

I’ve only read the OP.

Please don’t do it! You don’t want to have another child, so that’s that.

Littleposh · 09/07/2020 11:46

You shouldn't give in just to please him but you should have a proper discussion about it and take his feelings and reasonings into consideration, as anyone would hope their partner to do if the tables were turned

BarbaraofSeville · 09/07/2020 11:46

Getting upset and begging and pleading. What is he, five?

He sounds like a child who's been told that they can't have an ice cream because dinner is in an hour.

Gogogadgetarms · 09/07/2020 11:47

Stick to your guns OP.

whattimeisitrightnow · 09/07/2020 11:47

He doesn’t want ‘another child’. He wants a boy.
Even if he did want another and was happy with either, you don’t, so that’s that. The person in a relationship who doesn’t want a child gets the deciding say (especially as you’d be the one carrying it!).
Ask him what exactly a boy would bring him that two girls and a stepson don’t. Make him admit his sexist viewpoints: I’d bet any amount of money he wants a boy to play fight with, take to football games, watch sports with etc. Stupid shit like that. Explain to him that he could easily do those things with one of your other children.

Pollocking · 09/07/2020 11:48

You shouldn't give in just to please him but you should have a proper discussion about it and take his feelings and reasonings into consideration, as anyone would hope their partner to do if the tables were turned

Sure, but you should then not have a child you fundamentally don't want, for a man who only wants a particular sex of child.

RedOasis · 09/07/2020 11:49

YANBU. Nope. House is full. You can’t guarantee a boy and most importantly YOU DONT WANT MORE KIDS!!!!!

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