To have another baby to please dh

[berryford]

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

He sounds like Henry the 8th lol

YANBU Who does he think he is? Henry VIII?

Love these comments!

In my Dad’s family, the only grandchild of his parents who passed on the family name is my female cousin - so you never know. Silly reason anyway as, unless perhaps you are royalty or something, it’s just a name - a collection of letters!

And projecting what their likes and dislikes might be is daft too!

Definitely do not give in to please him. It could lead to all kinds of resentment. I think he's being so unreasonable putting pressure on you to do this. It's your body. What if there are complications or the child has a long term health issue - how would you feel / cope with these risks?

Argh, never mind the must have a son, your poor daughters. Clearly not a man who thinks he can play ball, interest girls in sports, rough house, carry on name with. Sounds like a prat. Sorry.

Don’t do it OP! Your H sounds like he has very unrealistic expectations of having his ‘own’ son. Why can’t he do these supposedly ‘male’ things with your son, or his daughters? It’s very sad that he doesn’t think he could bond with his Daughters in the same way he could with a son. Also - carrying on the family name?? Wow I didn’t realize I when I woke up this morning that it was 1937. He needs to give his head a wobble and stop pestering you about a decision that is yours - your body your choice.

Please please dont.

If you do and it's a boy its another child you dont have room for, and it perpetuates your DHs unacceptable sexist views which will not be good for your daughters to grow up with along side the favoured prodigal son.

If you do and it's a girl your DH will be left unhappy, will resent the 3rd daughter etc.

I know a man who was like this. Two daughters, but begged to try for a 3rd to get a son. Guess what, that third baby turned out to be twin girls!

Don't do it. I bet you a million pounds that if you did and he ended up with a boy, there would be no bigger house/car etc. Instead he would have your son out of the house so fast and living with his dad you won't be able to blink. He would make your boys life utterly miserable until he left and cut you off.

Ps my friends DH is like this only they got 1 boy & 1 girl.

The boy hates his dads beloved sport but gets dragged along to it etc. The girl is interested in it and gets ignored/left out. The bloke is regarded as a sexist git by all our friends.

@Littleposh

You shouldn't give in just to please him but you should have a proper discussion about it and take his feelings and reasonings into consideration, as anyone would hope their partner to do if the tables were turned

No. This is dangerously bad advice.

If a woman knows she doesn't want another baby, that is the end of the matter. You don't say what taking the other person's feelings and reasons into account means, but giving house room to the feelings of someone who has already been unreasonable (and her DH has) risks either being persuaded into a pregnancy you know 100% you don't want or feeling guilt about what is, in fact, the perfectly reasonable and only correct decision not to conceive and carry another child when you don't want to. No positives would come from either.

And frankly, it's not much of a kindness to a partner to give them the idea that their views are going to be taken into consideration when you know you're simply not prepared to do it. The OP has been clear about what she's prepared to do, and thus the DH has to decide whether it's a deal breaker for him. There's no benefit to him in dressing that up.

Agree with lots of other posters, this fetish for having a child of a specified sex so he can do stereotypical things is concerning. What's he going to do if you have a girl, or a boy who has different interests to him? Because there's an above 50% chance of one of these two things happening, since XY chromosome don't automatically make a person want to watch football!

No means no. Don't have a baby you don't want.

It is reasonable for him to want another child. He can't help how he feels. It is also reasonable for you not want another child.
I suppose it comes down to who has the strongest feelings on the subject.

I'm not sure about the science behind whether a man is more likely to father one or the other sex. But even if it's an absolutely 50/50 chance, it's still 50/50 for each child however many of each sex you've already had.

I asked a biology teacher I know this question, and she said that it is just 50/50. People who have 5 girls have just got a girl ‘coin flip’ 5 times in a row! So just because the OP’s partner has fathered 2 girls it doesn’t mean that they’re any more likely to have a girl than a boy.

Regardless of his reasons for wanting another baby (and I do have some sympathy, like I have sympathy for people who very much want a daughter and don’t have one), you don’t want another baby. So that should be the end of the discussion.

Your reasons are perfectly sensible but even if they weren’t, you not wanting another baby is more important than him wanting one.

I suppose it comes down to who has the strongest feelings on the subject.

No, because OP is the one who has to carry the baby, go through childbirth, be primary caregiver in the beginning (based on assumption of breast feeding, ML etc). So she gets ultimate say.

If he just wanted a 3rd, I'd have some sympathy, while still maintaining that ultimately she doesn't have to go through with it. But in this case, his reasoning is so flawed it's frightening.

@kayakingmum

It is reasonable for him to want another child. He can't help how he feels. It is also reasonable for you not want another child. I suppose it comes down to who has the strongest feelings on the subject.

Well, no. It is the woman who will be carrying the baby, not to mention suffering stress and danger to health. She doesn’t have the right to get pregnant to the man, if he doesn’t want her to, but at the same time it is her right to refuse, if she doesn’t want to.

Don’t. Just don’t. And if you haven’t, I would double up on the contraception.

@kayakingmum

It is reasonable for him to want another child. He can't help how he feels. It is also reasonable for you not want another child. I suppose it comes down to who has the strongest feelings on the subject.

No, it comes down to the one who doesn't want any more. The partner who does then has the choice of whether this is a deal breaker or not.

In terms of the 50/50, aren't there some genetic disorders where only foetuses of one sex will survive early pregnancy? So these would skew the numbers too.

Imagine having a girl and her finding out later on that she was conceived because her dad wanted a boy. I don't doubt he wouldn't love the child but it's sad knowing if the baby was a girl you'd know he was disappointed. Don't do it.

Don’t do it op. He’s doing it all for the wrong reasons.

Does he not have a good bond with your son, imagine if your son overheard him saying I want a son of my own!!!!*

I know and he gets on great with my son, they go and play golf together and watch films but he says it's not the same.

I wish he would be happy with what he has and leave this alone but on the few times he's reluctantly accepted my decision within a day he's back to pleading me to do it he can't get another baby out of his head.
Telling me I don't seem to realise how much he wants this.

Is there any room in your family for anything but his ego? Your feelings aren't important, your daughters aren't good enough and your step son isn't viewed as part of his family.

This ^^

Telling me I don't seem to realise how much he wants this.

So you tell him he doesn't seem to realise how much you DON'T want this.

Your body isn't his to use an an incubator.

Nex time he nags you about this, tell him that he needs to go and see a counsellor about it. Because his behaviour in harassing you about it NOT normal or appropriate.

Was he very spoilt as a child? Is he used to always getting what he wants ? Has no one every said no to him before ?

He needs help to understand that other people are autonomous human beings with their own feelings and opinions, not robots put on this earth to service him.

This applies to you and his children BTW. His daughters are human too.

*So you tell him he doesn't seem to realise how much you DON'T want this.

Your body isn't his to use an an incubator.*

^^
This!

Also, he’ll have to get it out of his head. This is why I think he should have counselling.

@berryford

* Does he not have a good bond with your son, imagine if your son overheard him saying I want a son of my own!!!!*

I know and he gets on great with my son, they go and play golf together and watch films but he says it's not the same.

I wish he would be happy with what he has and leave this alone but on the few times he's reluctantly accepted my decision within a day he's back to pleading me to do it he can't get another baby out of his head.
Telling me I don't seem to realise how much he wants this.

This is extremely worrying. It suggests he thinks you would and should change your mind about carrying a child you don't want if you'd just realise how much he wants it. There is a limit to the amount of this behaviour I would tolerate, and you've already passed it.