To have another baby to please dh

[berryford]

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

[AlexaShutUp]

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches, he looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him and yes he says to carry on the family name.

He sounds like a dinosaur.

What if he had a son who didn't like football? Wasn't into any of the things your DH likes? What if he grew up and chose to take his wife's name, or his husband's name if he turned out to be gay?

You would be foolish to have a baby to satisfy his particular version of how things ought to be. You might have a girl. You might have a boy who doesn't live up to his expectations. You might have a child who is profoundly disabled. Babies aren't made to order. And he sounds like a terrible father, so best not to inflict him on any more innocent children.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Don't do it.

[Waveysnail]

It's really sad that he doesnt view his daughters as being enough. I wouldnt have a third. You dont have the room, your daughters will be pushed to one side if it is a boy

[FortniteBoysMum]

So he will work more hours to afford too which means he will spend less time with the kids his got already and even more will fall on you. Personally I want another as have 2 boys one with dp but he doesn't. It would be me who would look after them as well as working. I would love a daughter but our boys are now lower end of double figures. I would never guilt him into it however as it has to be something you both want.

[User8008135]

Yanbu and he is out of order harassing and manipulating. I think he needs to see a counsellor as this obsession seems tied up with being disowned from his whole family, standing against his mum and never really having good parental figures or relations.

What made this intensify? When did it start? I'm wondering if something triggered it and you can use that event to get him to get help. Right now I'd be worried having sex, an obsessed person could easily sabotage contraception.

[cptartapp]

Stats show that men are far more likely to leave the family unit when their offspring are solely female. Then you'd be a LP to four.
Don't risk it.

[thepeopleversuswork]

cptartapp not sure what these stats are. But I think him leaving the family home is probably the best outcome

[autumnboys]

He is being very unreasonable and I hope you don’t give in to all his begging and pleading. As loads of others have said, high chance of another girl. Also, I suspect that pressure would start to mount for your teen to spend more time with his own dad so that the new baby could have his room. Moving house is an expensive business. As Mumsnet often says, the person who doesn’t want another baby gets the veto.

[GoodUserName]

If you've just spent 3 years getting you're pre-baby body back and succeeded then I'm not surprised you'd be reluctant to be having another, you're lucky some never manage to.
What if you have another baby for him that you'd rather not have and you're body is never the same again, and he may not even get a boy?

[Sunshineeeee]

I know a man who kept trying. I kid you not.. he has 10 daughters.. he then left that women and found another and had sons with her.

Don't be guilted into anything. If it's another daughter and you have 3 under 5... I do not know how you will cope! Unless he's willing to provide you a nanny, a cook, and a cleaner. As well as some extra pay since you aren't earning your own.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

To be fair, Sunshineee, it is perfectly possible to cope with three under fives without a nanny, cook and cleaner. Plenty of women do.

But don't 'try again' for him, OP. He's got an image in his head that no boy, however perfect, is ever going to live up to.

[Whatisthisfuckery]

No OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Your H’s reasons for wanting a son are rooted in his own sense of loss, and that’s a very very bad reason indeed to want to bring another human being into the world. He loves the idea of having a son, the reality could turn out to be very different, and with all that emotional pressure that would be very damaging indeed for a potential son. Then there’s the obvious, you don’t want another child, you have no room for another child and you can’t afford it. It would be you that got landed with all the shitwork and it would be you who struggles the most. Even if your H got his fantasy boy what then? Would he bugger off every weekend to the footy and leave you and the other DC? And if it’s another girl?

No, no bloody way, I’m angry for you OP that your H is being such a dick to be honest. If I were you I’d be inclined to tell him that ‘no, there will be no more children, and if you continue to guilt trip and nag me about it you’ll be having EOW with the ones you’ve already got.’ You need to put your foot down about this OP, because if you let him keep on at you you’ll eventually crack, and the result will probably end your marriage anyway.

[HavingAMoan]

I remember someone I went to uni with had 8 siblings, her parents had 8 girls and just kept going until they had a boy. Imagine feeling like you were just a try at getting a son and weren’t good enough.

[1Number]

Adopt?

[1Number]

Or a surrogate.
Then you don't need to worry about pregnancy.
And he can take the parental leave off work to raise it...

[whattimeisitrightnow]

@1Number

[thepeopleversuswork]

1Number

Way to completely miss the point.

So many reasons why this man’s motives make him a questionable father. Adopting a kid, who may have more challenging emotional needs than any of his biological children, would be a disaster for someone with so much toxic masculinity,

And guess who would get stuck with all that. Not the DH for sure.

[1Number]

Looks like I should have read the thread! 😬

[Sparklesocks]

I’m sorry he’s putting you through this. As others have said, nobody should ever have a baby to please someone else or to save a relationship.

[ddl1]

'Adopt?'

A couple seeking to adopt just for gender-selection purposes would be turned down for adoption for sure.

[back2good]

I would ask yourself if you'd rather be single with the 3 you have or with a potential 4?

Because that could be where you're heading. Imagine you agree to having another child to please him ... and he starts working more hours, is paying out more for a bigger car, he's more tired and doing less at home, and then you have another girl (or twin girls!). He still has to work those extra hours to support your bigger family, is doing less at home ... and he doesn't even get his imagined joy of having a boy to name, dress up, take to ball games ... imagine he'll stick around? Bitterness might well kick in.

I'd be firm at this point and say no, it's not happening, and the discussion is closed. If he's going to leave you over it, better he does now while you can manage the 3 you have rather than potentially being left carrying the bag of another one you didn't really want in the first place as well.

He needs to grow up and love the children he's got. Has he even tried to take them to ball games? Share sporting interests with them?

[whattimeisitrightnow]

@ddl1 Right?
I remember my aunt and uncle, who had two sons, discussing adoption once when I was younger. In fairness to them, it was after a miscarriage, so their heads must have been all over the place, but when I asked them ‘would you adopt a boy or a girl?’ they looked at me as though I’d grown two heads. I remember my grandma saying something like ‘there’d be no point adopting a boy.’ I was only a kid then, but even I felt uncomfortable.
As a side note, they later went on to have a third happy, healthy child. A boy.

[comingintomyown]

Slightly different but my XH wanted five DC , I wouldn’t say he pleaded about it in the way you describe but he talked about it from time to time. I never took any notice I was happy with our two DC, even more so when he left when they were 10 and 13 years old

[CandidaAlbicans2]

OP, if only he'd put as much effort into getting counselling for his rather dubious attitude as he's putting into trying to wear you down, then maybe your marriage wouldn't be in danger. And I know you've not actually said it's in danger but I can't see how it can survive unless he comes to terms with the fact he's not going to get what he wants.
He has serious issues, and no way should you even consider having another child if you don't want one (all the reasons you've given are entirely sensible BTW), especially with him.

[AvailableName]

To the posters saying adoption or surrogacy - the OP doesn't want anymore children.

Op it's your body not his, he may be yearning for a son but you don't want one and that's more than a good enough reason not to have one without mentioning the other sensible reasons you list not to consider a child you don't want.

If he keeps on about this tell him straight you're not a baby making machine, you don't make children to order and you don't want another baby also you don't want him to keep on about it because you won't be persuaded to change your mind and don't want to be made to feel guilty and remind him of the children you've given him already.

Then get some good contraception and change the subject each time it's mentioned - or the locks.