To have another baby to please dh

[berryford]

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

[ddl1]

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches

How stereotypical. I would have thought this was stating the obvious, but there are plenty of football-mad girls, and indeed women's football teams these days; and plenty of boys who have no interest in football.

In any case, the sheer financial and other practical implications of having 4 children are quite significant. If you really want a large family, go ahead; but I don't think you should have to scrimp and save and make all sorts of practical adjustments just on a gamble of getting a boy.

[TwilightPeace]

He also throws the " you've got a son, I'll never have that"

Ugh so he’s trying to play the guilt card.
Do NOT have a baby just to please him. Terrible idea for a million reasons. Just no.

[thepeopleversuswork]

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches

How does he know that this unconceived boy will even like football? He What would happen if, God forbid, the boy turned out not to like football. Would he guilt trip the boy because he hadn't turned out like his dad? Why can't he take his DDs to football?

He sounds like an unreconstructed nob.

[LillianBland]

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches, he looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him and yes he says to carry on the family name.

Yeah, my bil wanted that and could never hide his resentment that his sons had no interest in ‘manly’ past times. That’s part of the reason his sons are NC with him.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Also, you say he would be ok with another girl. So you agree to another baby, get to the 20 week scan (I assume he'd want to know at the earliest opportunity) and it's a girl. Can you honestly say he wouldn't be disappointed and that wouldn't show and make your enjoyment of your pregnancy reduce greatly?

[Adelais]

I think it’s too big of a risk having another as it’s at least a 50% chance of baby being a girl. Even though you’re not bothered about the sex sounds like your oh would be extremely disappointed even if he claims he would be ok with another girl and it just wouldn’t be fair on a potential third girl.

Would you consider having another if it was guaranteed a boy? Could you afford to do sex selection? There’s a few clinics in Cyprus that offer this though it’s expensive.

[ComeBy]

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches, he looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him and yes he says to carry on the family name

Oh, FFS. So let him play footie with the girls. Girls football is a big thing on many schools now so he'd best start giving them skills! If they are interested. Let him think about the fact that these days girls can grow up not to change their name on marriage, and give their children their surname. My SIL, one of a clutch of girls, did this.

He sounds very old fashioned.

A boy might hate football. Mine does.

You cannot have a child to pander to this. I understand that he hankers for a boy, but that is something for him to deal with emotionally and psychologically, not to have another child that you don't want at all and he will be disappointed in if it was a girl

Another baby might be a girl, a boy, girls twins, autistic, a boy with a congenital mobility impairment. Having a baby is not choosing from a menu.

[BarbaraofSeville]

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches, he looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him and yes he says to carry on the family name

Bloody hell, people still have attitudes like that

A boy doesn't guarantee any of those things, and equally you can do all those things with a daughter.

[BarbaraofSeville]

Would you consider having another if it was guaranteed a boy? Could you afford to do sex selection? There’s a few clinics in Cyprus that offer this though it’s expensive

What a ridiculous suggestion.

[thethoughtfox]

If children pick up on this, you can see how children can have issues with their 'gender identity'

[sunflowersandtulips50]

tell your DH its 2020 not 1920. Girls can chose to keep the family name in marriage and also do also play football and like to watch it

[Quietlyloud]

You don’t have a baby to suit someone else. It will never work out. Because you are the person carrying the baby your day is final, in fact regardless of sex the person who doesn’t want a baby has the final say in my opinion. You can’t force someone to give you a baby so anyone that says no that’s automatically the decision that should be taken. Your body is yours and if he’s that desperate for a boy then he can go and find someone else to get pregnant for him. What happens if you do get pregnant and it’s a girl? Would he demand you try again for a boy? Sounds like too much to go through when you don’t want to.

[MaeDanvers]

But he's obviously lying - if not to you, to himself. If two healthy daughters are not enough for him then how is a third going to be ok, especially given all the extra pressures of added working hours, your housing issues and so on?

He sounds very immature and like he is idealising some father-son relationship in a way that would make me worried if I were you and were already pregnant and I knew it was a boy.

Imagining a little him is the exact wrong thing to imagine when thinking of having a child - of any gender. Each child is unique and precious and comes with their own personality and lives to live. The job as a parent is to nurture that uniqueness and help them to live the life they want to live - not to breed a mini version of themselves they can project their needs onto. For that reason alone, even without everything else, I think it would be a bad idea even if you could choose the gender of your baby and guarantee having a boy.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

As for continuing the family name...females do not have to change their surnames on marriage (if they get married), we live in 2020.

My parents had one of each too. My brother is gay and had he not realised this a little later in life and not had a son then the family name would most likely not be continued. Again, no guarantees!

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

One of my ds's excelled at ballet as a young dc. Never kicked a ball in his 20 years of living..
Wonder how that would go down in your house op?

[Ballet1992]

Very anecdotal but I seem to have lots of friends who have three children all to the same father.

The only ones who have mixed genders are the ones who had girl, boy or boy, girl with their first two children.

Those who had two boys first had a third boy and vice versus.

I agree with the PP who says he should prove he can earn enough over a consistent period to get you the bigger house without compromising his role within the family.

It's easy to say but not so easy to do.

[BabyLlamaZen]

I'm sorry but your husband is old fashioned and being unfair. It's your body. If you have another you will resent him. Does he not love your older son as his own?

[BabyLlamaZen]

I also worry how he would be with a boy. The boys in my family gave up their names and girls kept them. How would he feel about that? The future is more like that!

[ComeBy]

Has he watched Little Fires Everywhere? Izzy, the last in the family, who was never meant to be and not wanted by her mother? (Even though her mother strives to be the best)

[AhNowTed]

This has made me angry on your behalf.

He's behaving like an idiot. Childbirth is hardly a risk-free doddle. He needs to grow up.

[PAND0RA]

@Adelais
Would you consider having another if it was guaranteed a boy? Could you afford to do sex selection? There’s a few clinics in Cyprus that offer this though it’s expensive

Can they also screen for boys who like football ? Because I have two teenaged boys and neither has any interest in watching or playing.

[user135664323455]

Well, if he stopped forcing gender stereotypes on his daughters that would solve the problem and improve their lives too.

No reason girls cannot play football with their dad, each other or anyone else. If he wants to play football with his children then he should get off his arse and play football with them.

There's no such thing as clothes or toys or sports or hobbies that are only for girls or boys. He could buy blue or dinosaur or football tops for his daughters, teach them football handling skills, share his love of whichever team, etc etc. If he could be bothered and if he genuinely valued the children he already has.

Which clearly he doesn't. And those girls are going to grow up knowing it.

[Flutterpieandpinkieshy]

@thethoughtfox

If children pick up on this, you can see how children can have issues with their 'gender identity'

Absolutely this!

Don't have another baby if you don't want one, it's your body, you have to carry it and then give birth, no doubt your left to do all the newborn and toddler stages... Just no. Don't do it.

[RedToothBrush]

I secretly think he's jealous of his relationship with his real Dad because they are like 2 peas in a pod.
What a baby. So this is about his ego and competitive bullshit.

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches
What is stopping him making an effort with his step son and trying to build that relationship and going to the match with his step son.

Why is his step son and his daughters not good enough for him.

Imagine the pressure of having to live up to the expectations and desires of your father? What if your son hated football?

Not all fathers and sons end up being this close. I do think my brother was my parents eternal disappointment for not being his father's son and that had a huge affect on his wellbeing.

^He looks at all the baby clothes for boys and imagines a little him
And we are back to his ego.

and yes he says to carry on the family name
I kept my maiden name to carry on the family name and my son has my surname as a middle name to take it forward.

And yes, this is about his ego again.

Is there any room in your family for anything but his ego? Your feelings aren't important, your daughters aren't good enough and your step son isn't viewed as part of his family.

[Boysnme]

My two DSs hate football much to their dads dismay. I’d also worry if you had another girl that he would start to resent your son.

Not the right reasons to have a baby in my opinion