To have another baby to please dh

[berryford]

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

My Nana was one of 5 girls. My friend is one of 4. My friend tried for a boy and got triplets.

But that's just your observation, and any combinations in sexes are usually just random.

My family G G B

Cousins G G B

DP B B G

All disprove your theory. I can think of two families in my circle that do go B G G and B G B, but I would be willing to bet that a proper statistical analysis would show that there aren't any significant probabilities of the sex of a third child being dependent on the sex of their previous siblings.

Sounds like he wants a mini-me. Even if you had a son, there’s no guarantee he would want to watch football with his dad or share any of his interests. The final say goes with the person doing the hard work of gestation and birth - and since that is you, the answer is no. Your DH needs to grow up and be grateful for the family he has.

He wants a boy to play football with and go to matches
What is stopping him making an effort with his step son and trying to build that relationship and going to the match with his step son

Or mores to the point, what’s stopping him going to matches with his daughters?

I'm more likely to watch football with my dad than my brother is. And I've kept the family name because I think changing your surname upon marriage is bollocks.

In the states football is a women's sport, why can't he try get your girls into it? Why doesn't he do more lads and dads stuff with his stepson?

Plus it's his sperm that determines the babies sex, maybe he's just more of a girl maker

I can't stand people like this. It makes me so sad and concerned for the self esteem of your daughters.

He could have a son who dislikes him (from the way you've described him, this is entirely possible), he could have a son who doesn't enjoy football and wants to play with dolls, he could have a son who doesn't want to have children. You'd be giving birth to a boy who has to fit into a Dad-pleasing mould instead of being able to become his own person.

That said, after two children of the same sex, you're statistically more likely to have a third. (And then he'll probably want you to try for a fourth...)

If you go ahead with this, at least get him to provide the bigger resources first...

Your husbands reasoning is quite frankly idiotic.

He is basing it all on the hope of having a boy. Not JUST a boy. A healthy boy and a "stereotypical" lad who's his mini me that he can play football with and take to matches because that's obviously the pinnacle of having a son.

He knows it might be a girl but chooses to ignore that fact and brush it aside as he lives in his fantasy idea and is ploughing ahead with that hope. Whereas the reality of having another girl would be very different and let's not mention the damage that will be caused if your daughters pick up on his feelings.

A son might be the complete opposite of what he expects too. They don't arrive programmed with a love for football or anything in particular for that matter.

No.no. And no.
Don't do it!!
For about 273837 reasons.

What a difficult situation

My husband agreed to a second baby for no other reason than he knew I wanted one. He really wasn’t keen on having a second baby and it took me almost a year of talking to him about it before he agreed to it. He said he would never have stopped me from having something that I really wanted.

However - it’s a very different situation in your case because you’re the one who has to endure the pregnancy and the labour, and then most likely take on the majority of childcare. When all the risks and responsibilities fall on your shoulders then absolutely you should get the final say.

I don’t think it’s odd for a man to want a son. Lots of women want daughters so this is no different.

I’m one of two girls and deep down I’m pretty sure my dad aches a little for the son he never had that he couldn’t take to football matches and other sports etc etc.

I have two sons and I adore them more than anything, but I do sometimes sit and think about the daughter I will never have.

My DH and our sons are always off doing sporty things together and DH loves it. My dad is also heavily involved in their sporty days out because he gets to experience with them something he could never do with his own children (me and my sister).

He is wrong to pressure you or try and make you feel guilty, that really isn’t on at all, but he isn’t wrong to feel how he does.

I don’t envy you OP, as you obviously love him very much and worry about how this issue will impact on your relationship, I just don’t know what the answer is.

This isn’t something that can be compromised on and like I said above, because you’re the one who is going to be affected by the decision to have another baby, then you are the one that gets to decide on the matter. It’s just a case of trying to get your DH to understand that but I fear that’s easier said than done

He's so nasty/manipulative that I can't find the words.

How about LTB?

None of my DS's friends are into football, never have been.
My co-worker's Dd plays in a schools county league team.
My friends dd is in her school team.

No, you shouldn't on the basis of his motives. He wants a son, not a baby. He says he'd be happy with another girl, but we haven't heard you say he WANTS another girl. He wants a boy, and has expectations linked to that. There's no guarantee a son would even like football etc or deliver on his expectations of what a son 'should' be. I'm about to have #4 so I'm not against big families at all, but your dh reasons for pushing you into it just sound wrong to me.

There's nothing wrong with desiring a son but he wants it for all the wrong reasons. He needs to find things that will give his life meaning and fulfilment and not build hopes on a son he might never have. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I'm one of 5 girls and I honestly don't see what difference a son would have made to my parents' lives. I even watched and followed football with my dad.

Don’t it your body tell him this I did once, ok I’ll have the child then I’ll walk and you can bring it up, see how he likes the idea then him doing the feeds at night ect.

Would you consider having another if it was guaranteed a boy? Could you afford to do sex selection?

She doesn’t want ANY baby.

This would concern me to be honest. His preference for a boy would worry me that if the next baby is a girl, his disappointment might effect how he bonds with her. Add to this, the fact you don't really want another baby in the first place - so that could be reflected in how you bond with the baby as well. Plus the fact you may well need to move house, plus the extra financial pressure another child would bring. You don't know how your other children would feel about it, a fourth child could well have an impact on time and money for the existing children.

If you wanted the baby, obviously you could work around many of these issues and sacrifices may be worth it. But wanting a specific sex, plus the fact you are only doing it to make him happy when he may end up disappointed as well is too much pressure for anyone and could end up with a very unhappy child.

Having a baby can kill you. It's rare, but it's a risk. No.

Adelais

"Would you consider having another if it was guaranteed a boy? Could you afford to do sex selection? There’s a few clinics in Cyprus that offer this though it’s expensive."

Fuck that. Don't pander to his desire to use you as a vessel to create a miniature version of himself if you don't want to carry and raise another child.

Added to all of this too, he has ideas about what having a son might mean. My friend's husband was like this. His son hates sports, loves ballet and modern dance and is more into cooking than DIY. Whereas his daughter likes football, but her father won't take her to any games. To be honest it has shown my friend a new side to her husband's attitude toward gender roles that she really doesn't like.

@BarbedBloom

This would concern me to be honest. His preference for a boy would worry me that if the next baby is a girl, his disappointment might effect how he bonds with her. Add to this, the fact you don't really want another baby in the first place - so that could be reflected in how you bond with the baby as well. Plus the fact you may well need to move house, plus the extra financial pressure another child would bring. You don't know how your other children would feel about it, a fourth child could well have an impact on time and money for the existing children.

If you wanted the baby, obviously you could work around many of these issues and sacrifices may be worth it. But wanting a specific sex, plus the fact you are only doing it to make him happy when he may end up disappointed as well is too much pressure for anyone and could end up with a very unhappy child.

This.

I would be willing to bet that a proper statistical analysis would show that there aren't any significant probabilities of the sex of a third child being dependent on the sex of their previous siblings

Not dependant on...but there are lots of studies that have shown an increased likelihood of families with same sex children going on to continue to have the same sex again.

I can’t link sorry...but I’ve read one recently that compared families with three girls (same mother and father) and of those that had a fourth child there was a 60 odd percent chance of the fourth also being a girl.

Whether that is ‘significant’ or not is another question as there’s still a huge chance you’ll have the opposite...but if you were playing the odds, you’d guess same sex again.

Tell him it was his X sperm which created two girls and you have already tried twice for a boy for him!

@Fiona1987

I read somewhere that it's the father's sperm that determines the gender. Given that he has already gathered two girls, he might be more biologically likely to father girls than boys.

There is really no guarantee that next one will be a boy.

I know of at least three families that only have one gender:

• family 1: 5 girls
• family 2: 3 girls
• family 3: 3 boys

I'm not sure about the science behind whether a man is more likely to father one or the other sex. But even if it's an absolutely 50/50 chance, it's still 50/50 for each child however many of each sex you've already had.

I know a family with 7 girls and 1 boy (the boy is the eldest so I don't think they had a large family for the sake of the children's sex).

Absolutely not. Don’t do this under any circumstances, for all of the reasons PPs have said.

Wasn’t sure whether that is a YABU or yanbu vote!

What I would suggest is that your DH gets some counselling to get over his misplaced disappointment in the sex of his children. It would help him go forward and learn a more healthy attitude, as his views have probably come from somewhere in his past.

That’s what I’d recommend for a woman who had “gender disappointment” (as it’s known, although I don’t believe in gender) too.

Continuing...

Makes me really sad.

I know I really lovely Dad of three girls, who is such an alpha “man’s man” but is an absolutely fab father to his girls and so involved. He does play football and golf with them, but also supports whatever their own interests might be - whether it’s table tennis, gymnastics or their drama related hobbies.