To be hurt by this

[sensitiveorright]

I am fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but this feels so shit and I don't know if it's me or it's not very nice

So I have two children and live in the uk.

My parents are expats and have moved between a few countries. At the moment they live in Switzerland. I have lived there before as a teenager, I love it.

I am now 27, almost 28.

My sister lives in the UK too.

My parents have not made any noises about settling back into England, to be closer to the family.

I haven't seen my parents since Boxing Day. They came for Christmas to the UK and it was so nice to not have to travel with a baby and a toddler. They don't have space for us in their home in Switzerland so it's easier if we stay in an air bnb etc.
Last week my sister was finally able to go to Switzerland and see them. She had a really good time. I couldn't go with the kids because there's not enough space for us there.
They haven't made plans to come to England yet.
I said I was hoping to visit them in the 2nd week of July and they then sprung it on me that they are going to their holiday home in Italy. For 2.5 weeks. Well it's emerged it's actually 4 weeks.
There's also not enough space for me in their apartment there either with the kids and my husband. So they then decided to invite me to Italy with my kids but notmy husband as there would then be enough space?
I can't fly alone with a child and my baby. Obviously. My 4 year old is really naughty and it's a struggle with my husband and I to control him.
Then I was told to come with my sister so I said fine I will do that and work around her dates,
Then I was told my sister would fly out with me but not back with me? Then I was told my sister and her boyfriend are going I would stay a week then fly back alone with the boys? So I would basically be not welcome to stay with her and her boyfriend after my parents left
They all seem to think flyling alone with a baby who's not walking a 4 year old who is extremely naughty is possible? How would I take the 4 year old to the toilet how would I get the suitcases?
I feel upset that the sister and boyfriend are basically going together so I feel like the third wheel with my family
I feel offended they have decided to spend a month in Italy before coming to see me
I feel offended we were invited as an after thought
I feel offended it was asked why it's a big deal to travel with them? I honestly think they live in cuckoo world because I have chronic pain issues with damage in my back and holding a child for a legnth of time whilst holding nappy bags and a 4 year olds hand who's trying to run off is shit
I don't want to go off and leave my husband behind and be in the sun with them?
If there was no space for my husband how come my sister and her boyfriend can now miraculously fit in?
They said it was like always their plan but it's nonsense
They have etched out the longest possible stay with zero intention of coming here to see me
I don't have the money to fly around everywehre and see them
I said I can go to Switzerland to see them
I said I can go to Switzerland and when they come back from Italy see them (to be told I'll be working so can only see you in the evening?)
I said I can go before they go to Italy but was told they will be working
So for them unless I go to Italy for those specific 6 days it doesn't work

AIBU to behurt And cross and think fuck then

You're insecure about your age

That's incredibly unkind @sensitiveorright.

Your comment was ageist, I can't believe you can't see that. All the way through your posts, although I haven't agreed with all you said, I thought you sounded really nice. Guess not.

Save your money and spend your time with your husband and children. Your parents dont sound very nice. Its their loss. I cant wait to see my grandchildren- no matter how naughty they may be!😂

[quote sensitiveorright]@LoadOfOldTosh
No they aren't

You're insecure about your age

[/quote]
You're making yourself look really bad now @sensitiveorright. Fortunately, I'm not the least bit bothered by your silly comment, but I do wonder why you asked for opinions when you're utterly convinced you're in the right and can't even see when you're being offensive. Utterly pointless approval seeking 🙄

@LoadOfOldTosh
All I've said is

They are in their prime and they live away and I am missing the best years of their lives where I am old enough to appreciate their company; young enough to be less capable then them and that's really special

My husbands parents are quite a lot older and the balance has tipped for him where he now helps them out with things that they previously would have known more about then him

Saying that someone is in their best and they will get older and I will miss their best is simply not ageist

@randolph78
Not really it's that they expect me to come to Italy with the kids to hang out with them because they prefer it there to Switzerland and England where I live
And they know it's a hassle for me to do the trip but haven't made plans to come and see me in England
Instead they've used their annual leave for their holiday instead of their kids
Which I wouldn't do. I'll always be around for my boys.

I do feel a lot better after thinking about people's comments saying I have to just move on and let them do their thing

It feels less painful

[quote sensitiveorright]@LoadOfOldTosh
All I've said is

They are in their prime and they live away and I am missing the best years of their lives where I am old enough to appreciate their company; young enough to be less capable then them and that's really special

My husbands parents are quite a lot older and the balance has tipped for him where he now helps them out with things that they previously would have known more about then him

Saying that someone is in their best and they will get older and I will miss their best is simply not ageist

[/quote]
This is becoming quite tedious now. You described the ageing process as becoming 'old and crumbly' - that is ageist. Carry on pretending to yourself that you're perfect and it's all other people's faults, if you like, but it would be better to own your mistakes and try to learn from them.

Op - I have only skimmed this thread so apologies if this has already been answered, but have you spoken to your parents about how you feel? It sounds to me that poor communication is at the heart of this. Calmly, in a non accusatory way, explain your feelings. They may genuinely not realise how much it means to you to see them.

@camelsandcaramel

You have every right to feel hurt yes but my goodness, have you reread how many times you've written I, I, I?

I'm an expat and have a life too. I might live in a fun place in the sun but having visitors is hard work and must work around our schedule too. It sounds like you've come so self absorbed in being hurt and feeling rejected that you're coming across as hard work and whinging. Maybe that's why plans aren't going your way?

If you really want to make it happen, do it! Why don't you stay in an air bnb? Discuss sharing the cost with your wealthy parents if you must. Yes traveling with kids is hard but my god, you're not the only person in the world that needs to do it! Arrange help at the airport, it's not rocket science, it doesn't cost a fortune. Book yourself a car, at least that way your not dependent on anyone at anytime!

Stop banging on about everything that's not going your way and if you really want your kids to see your parents, you also need to make the effort to make it happen.

Sorry if that sounds like tough love. After 18 years overseas, I'm over family arguments about this stuff.

Things work 2 ways.

Yes!

I'm not an ex pat, and I totally agree with you.

OP you have an external locus of control, all your posts are about how things are outside your control and what you can't do.

Even your posts about your son are changeable dependent on the response you need to reinforce your powerlessness in all this.

I doubt you're doing it deliberately but it is impacting on how you feel. You literally can't change your mum and dad but you can change yourself if you want to.

They've done their bit, they're enjoying life, good on them! Sounds like they work hard and they have a few weeks off work, good on them. Having family over during the whole of that time, especially with kids, is not a holiday.

@LoadOfOldTosh

Let's agree to disagree. Honestly there was no offence meant.

If they have decided to use all of their annual leave on this trip then they can't expect you to jump through hoops to be able to see them. I'd just say that there's too many obstacles to you coming without your husband and you hope that you can all meet up soon.

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair

That's the thing I just wish they were around more and it hurts that they aren't

I want that more typical family set up

My mum and dad honestly adore my son
As do I and my husband
It's just a struggle with him alone, he is so big at 23 kg ish and I'm 47 and 5ft !!

[quote sensitiveorright]@LoadOfOldTosh
All I've said is

They are in their prime and they live away and I am missing the best years of their lives where I am old enough to appreciate their company; young enough to be less capable then them and that's really special

My husbands parents are quite a lot older and the balance has tipped for him where he now helps them out with things that they previously would have known more about then him

Saying that someone is in their best and they will get older and I will miss their best is simply not ageist

[/quote]
I think that this post gets to the root of how you feel. You still want to be looked after by your parents and you’re upset that they have basically said “sort yourself out”. On the one hand you talk a lot about having a house and a business and a husband but it sounds like you’re protesting too much about how grown up you are, when really you just want to go back to being a little girl again. Perhaps if you reflected a bit more you’d realise that your husband isn’t as supportive as he should be, so you instinctively look to your parents? No doubt they treat your sister more as a child because she has no children of her own so, unlike you, she hasn’t yet shifted a generation.

In the next post you say “they have used their annual leave for their holiday instead of their kids”. That is ridiculous when the “kids” are almost 30. You do realise that they devoted a huge chunk of their lives to bringing up you and your sister- you must realise, now being a Mum, how having kids means that no bit of your time is never truly free until they leave home? Yet you feel they have a duty to spend their holidays with you? OP, were you brought up mostly by nannies or boarding school while your parents has high-flying careers? There is a strong sense of abandonment coming through here.

Also, you’re 27 yet you talk about them still being “more capable than you”. 56 year-olds may perhaps have more money and life/work experience, but there is pretty much nothing that they are more mentally or physically capable of than a 27 year old. In your case your disability means that they are more physically capable, but it’s still not their responsibility any more. In the nicest possible way, you need to accept that you have grown up.

I want that more typical family set up

You have way more issues than a non-family holiday. Get your pain management sorted and speak to your parents when you're less wound up about it.

Your parents have been expats for years and you know their lifestyle - you need to work out a way to make it work for you without making demands on them to change their lives (which I am assuming they really enjoy)

Patronising part: when you're 56 you may understand better.

Looks like I need to spend time looking in the mirror at myself instead of out the window

Maybe it is me after all

[quote sensitiveorright]@LoadOfOldTosh

Let's agree to disagree. Honestly there was no offence meant. [/quote]
Nice way to try to wriggle out of what you said, OP, but I'm not buying it. This thread is a complete waste of time, so carry on always being right and always being hard done by 🙄. I'm out.

I had neck, back and arms issues when I was fifty, and still niggles. It would have been hell for me to wrangle two kids through an airport and flight in the wee small hours. Even with reins and a buggy. Have a break in England, and get back to physio, pain clinic, pilates. Don't necessarily have a spa day, but have a massage if that helps.
My parents in law were late forties when they became grandparents, mid sixties when their last grandchildren arrived, and they did become less hands on and more demanding of help (and became old and crumbly realistically). They never bothered much with us, preferring golden children, one in Switzerland! My parents died before most of their grandchildren arrived, so I have an idealised view of how things should be.
This year as been very strange for families who live at a distance, some days I feel stressed for no apparent reason, factor that in. And try a star chart for a particular challenging behaviour if you haven't already!

*It's just a struggle with him alone, he is so big at 23 kg ish and I'm 47 and 5ft

Being short has got nothing to do with how hard it is to look after children.

I have known people who are a lot shorter than you manage to bring up children single handed.

I am not much taller than you and have 2 children. No family at all, a Dp who spent most of their childhood flying around the world and, I have written about this before, because of the NHS not picking up the cause of my back pain, the first 7 years of being a parent, in agony because I was walking around with a slipped disc.

Added to that Dd has ADD and Ds has ADHD so I could never take my eyes off them for a minute.

It is hard work but you just have to get on with it. Also foldable pushchair and buggy board when you are in airports, on the plane you can leave them to go to the toilet as they are hardly likely to get lost or go anywhere so am unsure of why you would find it hard

Looks like I need to spend time looking in the mirror at myself instead of out the window

Yes @sensitiveorright I think perhaps you do. Although I'm even more disappointed in your 'all I've said' update, it doesn't look as if reflecting on your own behaviour or ideas is a strong point for you.

@eggandonion

Such a lovely post. Are you being ageist 😬

Xxx

Oliversmumsarmy lay off. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you on a thread where you weren’t being nasty to people.

If a disabled woman doesn’t want to make a painful and difficult trip she shouldn’t be forced into it against her will. Stop trying to force unwanted solutions on her.

The “problem” isn’t how the OP can travel
alone. The problem is the grandparents banning the OP’s husband from a family trip while allowing other siblings to bring boyfriends (an act so obviously unreasonable I’m amazed people are overlooking it). The OP shouldn’t put herself in pain and risk of physical damage to enable her parents’ unreasonable demands.

It doesn’t matter how tall or short anyone else is, the OP doesn’t feel able to do it by herself. No one else’s opinion of that is relevant!

OP, I think the key to this is about an emotional transition, as @ArgumentativeAardvaark put really well upthread. I also touched on this in my post earlier on in the thread.

@senstiveorright, how about my therapist idea? to get some perspective and a neutral sounding board. Because trading insults really can't be helping anybody.

Don't underestimate the devastation caused to every fibre of your being by physical pain. For what it's worth, I repeat don't even think about going anywhere right now. Get pain relief, get therapy, buy that perfume.

@Oliversmumsarmy, how odd....you had a shit time so the OP should pull herself together and have a shit time?

narrowboatgirl

I didn’t think I was being nasty.Was it any different to other posts telling the op she is being overly sensitive

No one has mentioned that sensitiveorright’s dh not being invited more because sensitiveorright seemed to be concentrating on the logistics.
If in full health the question is would this even be a thread.

Maybe randomer having had no support network ever and been in a similar position with 2 children and in constant excruciating pain for years I came to terms with the fact if I wanted anything no one was going to give it to me I was going to have to work through the pain and get on with it.

You sound like you idolise you’re parents & people older than you who you perceive as successful to an unhealthy degree. The way you speak of your parents being pillars of wisdom sounds odd - not even adding in the fact that you don’t actually respect all of their actions / viewpoints / decision making

To be blunt it sounds like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment - just because you decided to have your own family doesn’t mean your parents must automatically act out this idealised grandparent role you have in your mind.

You describe them as being vibrant, active & work hard & are shocked they would want to spend their annual leave at their holiday house. It doesn’t seem unreasonable. Many people would choose 6 weeks in Italy over 6 weeks in Margate.

You sound very self centred & martyr like - how you will “always” put your boys first and how you won’t be like that as a grandmother. Your kids are still young but you speak of absolutes on how things will be when they are adults when they are still very young - it’s naive.

it is ok to put yourself first, it is ok that your parents want to spend their annual leave as they see fit. It sounds like you’ve chosen to have a family but stroppy because of the reality that it can make things like travel more difficult in a logistical sense - but not impossible. It’s an added challenge & when entering parenthood you have to accept things will change.

You sound annoyed & wanting people to pander to you, I can see why they may prefer to holiday alone based on how you come across here.