To be hurt by this

[sensitiveorright]

I am fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but this feels so shit and I don't know if it's me or it's not very nice

So I have two children and live in the uk.

My parents are expats and have moved between a few countries. At the moment they live in Switzerland. I have lived there before as a teenager, I love it.

I am now 27, almost 28.

My sister lives in the UK too.

My parents have not made any noises about settling back into England, to be closer to the family.

I haven't seen my parents since Boxing Day. They came for Christmas to the UK and it was so nice to not have to travel with a baby and a toddler. They don't have space for us in their home in Switzerland so it's easier if we stay in an air bnb etc.
Last week my sister was finally able to go to Switzerland and see them. She had a really good time. I couldn't go with the kids because there's not enough space for us there.
They haven't made plans to come to England yet.
I said I was hoping to visit them in the 2nd week of July and they then sprung it on me that they are going to their holiday home in Italy. For 2.5 weeks. Well it's emerged it's actually 4 weeks.
There's also not enough space for me in their apartment there either with the kids and my husband. So they then decided to invite me to Italy with my kids but notmy husband as there would then be enough space?
I can't fly alone with a child and my baby. Obviously. My 4 year old is really naughty and it's a struggle with my husband and I to control him.
Then I was told to come with my sister so I said fine I will do that and work around her dates,
Then I was told my sister would fly out with me but not back with me? Then I was told my sister and her boyfriend are going I would stay a week then fly back alone with the boys? So I would basically be not welcome to stay with her and her boyfriend after my parents left
They all seem to think flyling alone with a baby who's not walking a 4 year old who is extremely naughty is possible? How would I take the 4 year old to the toilet how would I get the suitcases?
I feel upset that the sister and boyfriend are basically going together so I feel like the third wheel with my family
I feel offended they have decided to spend a month in Italy before coming to see me
I feel offended we were invited as an after thought
I feel offended it was asked why it's a big deal to travel with them? I honestly think they live in cuckoo world because I have chronic pain issues with damage in my back and holding a child for a legnth of time whilst holding nappy bags and a 4 year olds hand who's trying to run off is shit
I don't want to go off and leave my husband behind and be in the sun with them?
If there was no space for my husband how come my sister and her boyfriend can now miraculously fit in?
They said it was like always their plan but it's nonsense
They have etched out the longest possible stay with zero intention of coming here to see me
I don't have the money to fly around everywehre and see them
I said I can go to Switzerland to see them
I said I can go to Switzerland and when they come back from Italy see them (to be told I'll be working so can only see you in the evening?)
I said I can go before they go to Italy but was told they will be working
So for them unless I go to Italy for those specific 6 days it doesn't work

AIBU to behurt And cross and think fuck then

If you’re in that much pain, why even consider travelling? Your parents are clearly enjoying their retirement. Don’t begrudge them that. Don’t go.

Wow. They're 56 but they're 'not that young'? And you think they should make more 'permanent choices' to move to the UK? Are you for real?

Presumably they're happy where they live now, I cannot fathom for the life of me why you believe they should move back to the UK just to suit you. I moved away from my parent, married and had children. Should I have expected them to up sticks and move near to me? Nope.

I have sympathy for your situation OP, particularly your back issues, that absolutely cannot be fun, but you do sound a little self absorbed and, dare I say, spoilt. Life with young children is bloody hard and the logistics of getting from A to B can be a nightmare but it's the way it is. I do agree they should make more of an effort to come and see you but you cannot expect them to move close to you IMO.

The grandparents aren’t willing to come to the UK.

The parents sound like nightmares. They profess to love and want to see their grandkids but won’t lift a finger to do so. They practice overt favouritism by banning their disabled daughter from bringing her own DH on holiday while inviting their other daughter to bring a boyfriend. They undermine her parenting by claiming she’s being too strict with her child.

The grandparents sound selfish and entitled.

@bluebells1

If you’re in that much pain, why even consider travelling? Your parents are clearly enjoying their retirement. Don’t begrudge them that. Don’t go.

They are 56! At least one of them is probably still working full time!

dontdisturbmenow what disability do you have?

At least one of them is probably still working full time!

The OP said they (not sure if one or both) do work.

This sounds just like my parents, they live near me but might as well be in Switzerland for all the effort they made. My mum once told me to Skype them - they live 20 minutes away. It is hurtful but it's their life, they are living it the way they choose without any guilt. So I've accepted it and it's fine. My children are lovely young adults now and my parents have missed out but they chose shopping centres and cinema trips over them, they seem happy with their choice. Just live your life OP, accept you can't change them.

I lived an hr and a half away from my mum and she refused to visit for years so when I moved back to my home town my then 2 and 4 year old barely knew who she was. I did take them to visit her sometimes but it was never reciprocated. Some people are just selfish.
Also a baby is difficult on a flight but a 4 year old shouldnt be. Especially with I pads etc. I've taken mine on long haul flights since that age and it's fine. Could it be your 4 yr olds behaviour that's putting family off meeting up? Maybe just say it's all too difficult with the baby and can they come and see you later in the year and you will go and see them next summer?

My guess is that they find the children a handful and that they'll be more amenable to joint trips in 8-10 years’ time. Meanwhile, just politely decline their offer.

OP I think you need to stop thinking of all the reasons it's not feasible, and just go "fuck it, that's bloody not going to happen so sod them! They want to say all the right grandparenty things, but do none of the actual hard work. They expect me to do it all. So bollox to them. I'm staying home with my dc and dh and if they want to see us they get off their arses and come to us."

You're tying yourself in knots about the obstacles of you going to them. When the biggest obstacle is that they can't be arsed to make any effort or compromise!

Have a lovely time with your dc and dh instead. Spend the money on trips to the zoo or date nights. Let them whinge about not seeing the kids. Don't feel guilt or obligation. Enjoy those who make the effort to be in your life.

I don't quite get the comments on this thread about people not being ready to be grandparents, or not liking small children (the child is four!).

If you don't see your grandchildren when they are little, they aren't going to suddenly want to bond with you and build up a relationship when they are older.

Children are amazingly perceptive and know who makes the effort with them and who doesn't. It's fine if they want to live their own lives and then turn up once every two years or so, but if they do, their older grandchildren will simply not be interested in these virtual strangers. This has happened in my family.

If you don't mind as you don't like or want to have a relationship with your grandchildren, this won't matter, but I've found the people who do this then all of a sudden feel sorry for themselves that everyone isn't super keen on orienting around them and their visits. To be a grandparent, you actually have to walk the walk, not talk the talk.

I've travelled alone with three under five and although it wasn't easy I managed.we practiced staying together beforehand and I made up a pack for the older two to keep them entertained on the flight which worked well. However I wouldn't consider travelling while the COVID situation is not sorted as you could get stuck with your parents in an unsuitable apartment.

My guess is that they find the children a handful and that they'll be more amenable to joint trips in 8-10 years’ time

14 year olds don't want to hang out with granny and grandpa that they hardly know, that's the whole point. You can't just show up later in someone's life and expect a close relationship. You have to put in the effort early on, and yes, this might include with a boisterous 4 year old.

Both of them are not retired 🤪 they work full time, impressive jobs!

I wouldn't even begin to travel this summer with two kids, one of whom has behavioural difficulties. If you got Covid-19, you could be stuck in your destination, it would be hideous. I'd say this isn't a good year for traveling with the children anyway, and see if they come. If they prefer not to, I don't see what you can do, except enjoy your life. As for leaving your husband behind- how rude!

I'd have left the kids with DH and gone and spent some time with my parents and sister. At the least, the 4 year old could stay with dad.

There is nothing relaxing or enjoyable about having a naughty 4 year old taking all the time and attention.

I don't think there needed to be such drama

@LittleMissRedHat

That's exactly what i offered to do and was told that would be lovely but they will be working so can only see us in the evenings.
Having used their annual leave to have a big holiday in Italy.

@Nearlyalmost50 I really agree with you

I think YABU to not be able to travel with your children. If your 4 year old is that bad, I wouldn't want him either. I travelled often with 3 under 6, it is fine. I can see why they can't understand why you are fussing over this.

YANBU to think they are not bothered, they are basically saying fit in around us or don't come. It isn't veyr nice for your dh to not be invited but your sister's boyfriend is. Do your parents and your dh get on?
It sounds as if they want an adult holiday. Would you join them on your own for a long weekend and leave kids with dh?
If what they are suggesting doens't work, just say no.

@narrowboatgirl

I really appreciate your support through the thread

They want me to bring the children so that they can be with them not to come alone and that's what bothers me

People fly with a baby and small kids all the time, and airline staff help them (you notify in advance ). So will other passengers. I've often held a strangers baby on a plane while she went to the toilet etc.

If parents have spoiled a child to a point where his  naughtiness  is  a pain in the arse for all around him , maybe that's why  your parents are  less than eager to  host you all in their limited spaces.

They came to see you at Christmas, you go to see them now. There haven’t been any opportunities for any of us to meet up in the meantime.

They are working and have limited holiday time. It’s great that they would like you to join them on their planned holiday but it’s your responsibility to get yourself there and sort out your accommodation. 56 is not old but it’s well past the broody stage of life, so babies may well not be central to their thoughts.

This is the second week in July so you really are springing it on them.

I think there comes a time in every adult's life when they need to move away from the idea that their parents are there to care for them, whether that is providing accommodation, hospitality, food, lifts or even advice. For some people this comes very late in life, as their parents are available, competent and willing to parent right up to their own death - although this sometimes comes with the opposite problem of being overinvolved. But other parents of adult children shift their priorities at a much younger age and it sounds like this is happening to you. To use a relevant analogy, they stop all that parental worrying about how you are going to get somewhere and just expect you to turn up.

I say this compassionately, because it floored me when my beloved parent became seriously ill, died and then my remaining parent no longer wanted to have much to do with me. They were in their mid 60s. I was the same age as you and effectively no longer had a parent in my life. I felt adrift and really missed that someone cared about me in that way. But I became reconciled to it and now, effectively, parent and care for myself - although I do get somewhat attached to people of the mid sixties 'parental' age when they come into my life.

So you do have to grasp the nettle and accept that the kind of visit you were hoping for is not likely to happen. Travel to Italy or Geneva with your husband, hire an AirBnB, have your own holiday and arrange to see your parents when it is mutually convenient. If they don't see you, well, it is their loss as much as yours - you have still had a good holiday.

what disability do you have?

Overweight ego?