To be hurt by this

[sensitiveorright]

I am fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but this feels so shit and I don't know if it's me or it's not very nice

So I have two children and live in the uk.

My parents are expats and have moved between a few countries. At the moment they live in Switzerland. I have lived there before as a teenager, I love it.

I am now 27, almost 28.

My sister lives in the UK too.

My parents have not made any noises about settling back into England, to be closer to the family.

I haven't seen my parents since Boxing Day. They came for Christmas to the UK and it was so nice to not have to travel with a baby and a toddler. They don't have space for us in their home in Switzerland so it's easier if we stay in an air bnb etc.
Last week my sister was finally able to go to Switzerland and see them. She had a really good time. I couldn't go with the kids because there's not enough space for us there.
They haven't made plans to come to England yet.
I said I was hoping to visit them in the 2nd week of July and they then sprung it on me that they are going to their holiday home in Italy. For 2.5 weeks. Well it's emerged it's actually 4 weeks.
There's also not enough space for me in their apartment there either with the kids and my husband. So they then decided to invite me to Italy with my kids but notmy husband as there would then be enough space?
I can't fly alone with a child and my baby. Obviously. My 4 year old is really naughty and it's a struggle with my husband and I to control him.
Then I was told to come with my sister so I said fine I will do that and work around her dates,
Then I was told my sister would fly out with me but not back with me? Then I was told my sister and her boyfriend are going I would stay a week then fly back alone with the boys? So I would basically be not welcome to stay with her and her boyfriend after my parents left
They all seem to think flyling alone with a baby who's not walking a 4 year old who is extremely naughty is possible? How would I take the 4 year old to the toilet how would I get the suitcases?
I feel upset that the sister and boyfriend are basically going together so I feel like the third wheel with my family
I feel offended they have decided to spend a month in Italy before coming to see me
I feel offended we were invited as an after thought
I feel offended it was asked why it's a big deal to travel with them? I honestly think they live in cuckoo world because I have chronic pain issues with damage in my back and holding a child for a legnth of time whilst holding nappy bags and a 4 year olds hand who's trying to run off is shit
I don't want to go off and leave my husband behind and be in the sun with them?
If there was no space for my husband how come my sister and her boyfriend can now miraculously fit in?
They said it was like always their plan but it's nonsense
They have etched out the longest possible stay with zero intention of coming here to see me
I don't have the money to fly around everywehre and see them
I said I can go to Switzerland to see them
I said I can go to Switzerland and when they come back from Italy see them (to be told I'll be working so can only see you in the evening?)
I said I can go before they go to Italy but was told they will be working
So for them unless I go to Italy for those specific 6 days it doesn't work

AIBU to behurt And cross and think fuck then

Your parents sound extremely selfish and uncaring. I’m so sorry. Please take care of yourself and realise none of this is your fault.

Can’t believe the amount of posters claiming the OP is creating problems in not wanting to travel alone with two young children and a pile of luggage. Are you overlooking the fact the OP has a disability and physically can’t do certain things?

It sounds like they expect you to.jump through hoops to see them but dont reciprocate at all. its not up to you to do all the running around and its much more difficult and expensive with children so imo they should be making an effort to visit you.
It does sound hurtful, but if they suggestions dont work for you explain why, dont go and dont feel guilty.

Is dsis the Golden One?
Step back and concentrate on your dc. In their old age they can pay carers or ask dsis to wipe their arses.
It won't ever be you..
It's not about cash but investing time and love onto your dc's and the relationships. They sound crappy op. That's awful.

They stay in a hotel or an air bnb
Flying to me they can use Swiss air
British airways
EasyJet
And I think Ryanair
I'm referring to their holiday home in Italy I have to fly to Ancona from stansted and I live in Margate

I never felt like she was the golden one but maybe she is

'I can't fly alone with a 4yr old and a baby. Obviously'

Whilst I think yanbu, it's be easiest for them to come to you, I don't think statements like this are helping your cause whatsoever.
Of course you can fly alone with 2 children; people do it all the time. You don't want to, and that's fine.

Not when people are meant to have masks on and distance
Not when the only flight is at 6 am form stansted and I live in Margate

Not when I would have to leave the house about 2 am in Margate with them
When I've offered several other options

Your parents are at the time in their life where they do not wish to spend time with 4 year olds with "full on personalities". Perhaps when you have learned how to control your child properly they may be more amendable to visits.

I used to travel alone long haul with 3 under 7. It can be done fairly simply if your children behave.

OP, my heart goes out to you. You sound very very stressed. You have 2 small children, we are in the middle of a pandemic, I presume have had to make some maor changes.....nursery closing, husbands work changing and so on.

You are doing a bloody brilliant and massively important job. Don't look to the parents for support, look to yourselves, your friends, your connections.

Of course you can fly alone with 2 children; people do it all the time.

OP says she has a disability/chronic pain. If a disabled person says they can’t do something we should believe them.

I’m sorry, but as a single parent of 3, if I took the ‘I can’t do it alone’ path of least resistance, I would never actually go anywhere. It is perfect,y possible to travel alone with a couple of children.

As for " learning to control your child", get stuffed or words to that effect.

Perhaps when you have learned how to control your child properly they may be more amendable to visits.

What a nasty thing to say.

Some posters are only here because they enjoy giving other woman a good kicking.

I found your OP a bit hard to follow but did you say first that you can’t go with your husband as no room, then say that they had said you should go with your sister instead? I though at first you meant you and sister go, leaving kids at home with DH, but then you said that the problem was that sister would not be on both flights to help you with the kids.

So how come there is room in the Italian place for you, sister and kids but not you, DH and kids?

Don’t go. It’s to much faffing about with the kids on your own. If the kids were older then maybe, yes. But I think you wouldn’t even enjoy it as you feel resentful ( not without good reason) and I think you would have your feelings hurt in a hundred small tiny ways while you were away. Wish them well, and save your money and sanity and go on holiday with your husband when you can!

OMG, I have just read about the chronic pain, back ache. FORGET IT.

Stay at home, get nice food, get a cleaner, do nice things.

Again op, those things make it harder, but not impossible. I don't think you're wrong btw to want them to come to you, but think of it from their perspective. They're enjoying themselves. You have presented yourself as having a difficult 4 yr old, and yourself would be so aggrieved that you've come to them on an impossible journey, I'm not sure how your company would be. I'm sorry but I can see how they're not chomping at the bit to have you visit.

@sensitiveorright

No he's ok to be honest when he's not confined, he is a full on personality and he wants to chat all the time. He is very obedient for my parents because it's novel seeing them (as it stands right now it will be 2 times in the last twelve months)

They say I'm impatient with him and should be less cross but I think he's naughty eg pulling wallpaper off wall in his room, taking things from baby brother, holding baby brother so he can't crawl off, chopping his bed sheet?
It's an attention thing because if he has undivided attention he is as good as gold.

I basically needed to hear that they aren't making the effort

They always say how much they love and miss the kids but tbh I think they prefer smelling of Hermes perfume and eating dinner at 9pm on the beach
Which is lovely
But my life is more about picnics, dinner at a time when my children can keep their eyes open and playing with them and not worrying about my sons cars on the floor bothering neighbors below in the apartment

My sister also says how much she loves and misses them but I think it's really shit they basically don't want to help me fly there and then begrudge the fact I don't want to fly alone with them

My mum and sister don't even drive ffs , they are oblivious

I would have two car seats
A suit Case
Nappy bag
Pram
Baby sling
4 year old
1 year old, literally last week turned one?

And then I would have to walk with the baby and no bugs and the 4 year old to the suitcases
Bribe the 4 year old while I tried to fetch bags and chairs
And then either be collected by husband or go and get a car from a multi-storey

They are so oblivious

Chopping his bed sheet? What do you mean?

Just say it's too difficult at the moment.

They sound selfish and self centred. Honestly, I'd be polite but basically, fuck them

My back is really really badly damaged
I normally have physio, go to a chiropractor and have nerve blocks and epidurals but I can't have them atm as most places are still shut so I'm sorer then usual

Also, my son probably has a behavioural problem. It's not a drop feed, I was asking about my parents not about me.

And yes if my sister came without partner then we could come too with husband but if she comes with him my husband can't come as there isn't room for her to sleep anywhere with him.
I can sleep with the kids in a room or with her but if I sleep with my husband in a room then my son takes up another space in a bed so there's only one bed left
They often use another apartment in the block but didn't ask to book it in time this year, hence feeling like an after thought

I don't want to argue with them so I'm going to leave It and focus on my boys now

Thank you for the kind and caring comments from some of you in particular it's been helpful as I feel dreadfully sad about it all xx

Yes we have our own business also btw and haven't had any work at all
So it's been bollocks
And my sons been off nursery and isn't back yet
And I fucking miss my family so much but don know why when I feel they don't make an effort

With a 4 year old at age 27, you have had your kids pretty young for someone from an affluent background like yours. Sounds like your parents were not expecting to be grandparents this early.

Could your whole family maybe rent a place near the Italian holiday home?

Did your husband really want to use up his annual leave visiting your parents anyway? Nice family holiday instead, just the 4 of you, and your parents visit later in the year?

Except the grandparents don’t think the child is naughty (the opposite), and the OP is perfectly happy to travel to them, just not without her husband which is perfectly reasonable given her medical condition.

The grandparents are being extremely unreasonable by running off to Italy for a month, insisting their own child is only permitted to see them during a brief window, and banning their own son-in-law when they have a daughter with back injury and chronic pain who needs support to travel, while inviting their other daughter to bring a boyfriend to stay.

What’s the relationship between your DH and your parents, OP?

I think some posters are being unnecessarily;y hard on the Ops' parents.
Yes they are probably not being as helpful as one would hope but that doesn't mean they don't care or some of the Frankly horribly names they are being called.

If you cant go, then don't. Wait until the time is better- your are feeling fitter and the kids are older and can help.
Dont burn your bridges just for the sake of a hissy fit.

I would suggest if it available that you go alone and let your DH look after the kids. It sounds to me like you could do with a holiday.

Yanbu to feel upset, it does appear they are not prioritising you, but you can’t force people to, not even family unfortunately. I would just say no that won’t work for us, and then wait and see when they next offer to visit. That will prove or disprove your theory on them being uninterested.

You probably shouldn’t be travelling in any event, there’s still risk.