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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about DP’s issues with food?

179 replies

DorothygohometoKansas · 07/07/2020 20:53

I’ve been with DP for almost 18 months and he’s great. Just great. Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.

But there’s one thing.... He’s a picky eater. He has allergies and loads of food phobias. I’m a serious cook and major foodie.

His average diet is beige, oven chips, nuggets, potato waffles, fried eggs, white bread, mild grated cheese, fish fingers etc.... Nothing green and no interesting tastes. He eats baked beans and that’s about as much of a vegetable as he goes near.

Where’s my average week of cooking if I’m cooking just for myself can include nasi goreng , Thai curry, a long simmered made from scratch tagine, soba noodles with marinated veggies and noodles and dumplings in miso broth.

I don’t know what to do, so far before he moved in and now he has, I’ve either eaten a more interesting version of his dinner, such as using breaded chicken pieces to make a ceasar salad, or just cooked myself something entirely different.

I can cook to work around his allergies, but whatever I make he either won’t try, or tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

We have plans to travel (postponed by Covid-19, but still on the cards eventually) and I’m really worried about how we’re going to manage going to places like Bali, Thailand, Japan and India with his very restricted diet. I know I’ll want to try all the food wherever we go and he’s likely to struggle to eat at most places.

How do I manage this without it becoming a major battleground at home for each meal and with a view to travelling? As I adore my DP and don’t want to cause us issues over just this one thing, food.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 07/07/2020 20:55

Carry on cooking what you like and he does his

He will have to figure holidaying

Changemynamechange · 07/07/2020 20:56

Some people are like that with food

Accept it and live with it, or don't and don't

Mycatsmellsbad · 07/07/2020 20:58

My dp is a bit like this, he cooks his own food mostly and I do mine - we time our meals to sit down at the same time but there’s no way I would be cooking for him or worrying about how he would cope on holiday, he’s a grown man and can eat what he likes, as can you.

Wolfiefan · 07/07/2020 20:59

Is it real allergies or a dislike of certain textures etc?
I know a few people with allergies who massively restrict their diet out of fear.
I couldn’t live on beige food and wouldn’t cook for someone who spat out what I made.
Let him cook his own food?
Don’t travel to those places with him. Imagine going to India or Thailand with someone who would only eat chicken nuggets. Blush

melissasummerfield · 07/07/2020 21:00

You sound like his mum not his partner. He is a grown man, he will have to figure it out himself when you go on holiday!

I would find this deeply unattractive tbh.

Haggisfish · 07/07/2020 21:00

If you have dc together you may end up cooking three meals. I wouldn’t like it-it would make eating out crap.

Member869894 · 07/07/2020 21:00

What a non - issue

gamerchick · 07/07/2020 21:00

Let him get on with it. Just sort yourself out.

However he needs to communicate his plans on how he will cope without his safe foods when travelling. If he brushes it off saying it'll be fine, tell him it's not happening until he has sorted out a convincing plan. It's be distressing just watching him starve.

Lockdownseperation · 07/07/2020 21:02

Diagnosed allergies. IGE or none ige. Both my girls have allergies and as I’m bf I can’t eat the foods that DD2 is allergic too and it does make me a lot more hesitant about eating eating out. It’s a nightmare to meal plan around.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 07/07/2020 21:02

Why are you viewing this as a ‘battleground’? Do you feel he should change for you? Are you keen to point out that you’re right and he’s wrong? I genuinely don’t understand why this worries you. You don’t mention any health concerns so it’s just the social side that others you?

underneaththeash · 07/07/2020 21:08

That would be a massive issue for me, I love cooking, eating out and travelling. I'm surprised he's not constipated!

You're not going to change him though OP, I wouldn't bother trying.

DorothygohometoKansas · 07/07/2020 21:10

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat I’m not viewing it as a battleground right now, or I wouldn’t have moved in with him.

I’m viewing it as something which has the potential to be a battleground when we travel, or long term for family events (all my family love to cook), if he can’t manage with his restricted diet.

I don’t think he should change for me just due to me having a different diet and there’s no rights or wrongs here as I view it. Aside from my concerns about what a beige diet can do to a person’s health.

I guess I’m just seeking other perspectives, or experience from anyone who’s been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 07/07/2020 21:11

Well presumably he’s thought about it before planning the holiday too? I agree I’d find this unattractive but this is up to you. Are his allergies real allergies? If so he can’t be blamed for that. But otherwise he sounds infantile.

Mycatsmellsbad · 07/07/2020 21:15

Maybe battleground isn’t the right word op, are you concerned that you want food to be something you enjoy together? It’s one of life’s pleasures to sit down with someone you love over an amazing meal especially when travelling. Is this more the issue? In which case I can definitely understand that, if you’re a foodie then to be with someone who isn’t could become an issue. But it still stands that you are unlikely to be able to change him you just have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

loopy42 · 07/07/2020 21:17

My DP was just like that when we first got together everything he ate came with chips pretty much.

We have now been together 12 years and I just let him get on with it...he has improved over the years to be a little more adventurous but still quite a limited diet. Day to day I will cook things we all like or variations of the same meal...eg if I'm doing a bolognese I'll do a pan for him with just mince, Passata and herbs and one for me with veggies in. If I fancy something different he will cook himself something.

We go abroad every year but tend to go all inclusive as it means at the buffets I get to eat the local cuisine and he can stick to the beige stuff that the majority of these AI hotels have

labyrinthloafer · 07/07/2020 21:18

You should cook your food and he can cook his. Stop thinking about it if everything else is genuinely great.

I would also be a bit worried about what the food does health-wise, but plenty of people drink or smoke.

But if it just puts you off and you can't imagine e.g. him eating a chip butty at a family event while you all have an aromatic tagine, then you'll have to let him go.

NotStayingIn · 07/07/2020 21:24

I would find this really off-putting but if you like him I think you can make it work by not making it your problem for as much as that is possible.

On holiday, you can both choose the restaurants on alternating nights. If he is at your family for dinner he will have to deal with it the same way when he is at other peoples for dinner. (Although I would give them a heads up in advance.)

It's not ideal but I think that if you make it your problem it would start to annoy you even more. Not sure how you can fix it, but maybe someone has achieved that.

BarrelOfOtters · 07/07/2020 21:31

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t enjoy food. I can cope with my dh not liking cats, liking cars and football and not getting gardening.

But food, something that is so shared and offers huge pleasures?

But if you love him then just cook and eat different foods. He can cook his you can cook yours. Travelling you might have to compromise a bit more, one day his food, one day somewhere that does both, next day somewhere great and he has rice and plain chicken.

And is it real allergies?

Rhine · 07/07/2020 21:36

Does he really have allergies or is he just a faddy bugger?

Your food sounds lovely. Can you come to my house and cook for me instead?😂

Nc12334 · 07/07/2020 21:36

My DH is like this, my solution is for him to cook most of the time! He cooks everything from scratch so he can control what goes in there and over the years he's increased the range of what he eats, but is still very fussy! Does my head in sometimes as I love veggies but seem to end up eating his versions, but like you we have talked about travelling and he is really looking forward to eating all sorts of foods. I guess that will involve picking the meat out of things but that's up to him 🤷‍♀️

BobbieDraper · 07/07/2020 21:40

You cant change him. You have to decide if you can live with this or if you cant.

I dated someone like that and it is so completely opposite from me that I coupsnt live with it. The idea of having kids with him and trying to feed them interesting and varied diet... whole he sat there with his chicken nuggets. Just yuck.

For me it was a deal breaker. You need to decide.

MitziK · 07/07/2020 21:40

He knows how to use an oven, doesn't he?

He cooks his toddler food, you have your nice stuff.

He might need to eat more of it prior to your travelling, though, as he'll have difficulty finding things to eat out there, so might get a bit hungry.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2020 21:40

...tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

That's something a two year old does. Deeply unattractive and very immature. That wouldn't work for me.

MitziK · 07/07/2020 21:41

Actually, I've just reread and noticed that he spits the food you've cooked for him out, whining that he doesn't like it.

Bin him for a grown up.

Crunchymum · 07/07/2020 21:45

How has this just come to light? Surely you've had trips, meals out, spent enough time together (pre lockdown) to know this about him?

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