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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about DP’s issues with food?

179 replies

DorothygohometoKansas · 07/07/2020 20:53

I’ve been with DP for almost 18 months and he’s great. Just great. Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.

But there’s one thing.... He’s a picky eater. He has allergies and loads of food phobias. I’m a serious cook and major foodie.

His average diet is beige, oven chips, nuggets, potato waffles, fried eggs, white bread, mild grated cheese, fish fingers etc.... Nothing green and no interesting tastes. He eats baked beans and that’s about as much of a vegetable as he goes near.

Where’s my average week of cooking if I’m cooking just for myself can include nasi goreng , Thai curry, a long simmered made from scratch tagine, soba noodles with marinated veggies and noodles and dumplings in miso broth.

I don’t know what to do, so far before he moved in and now he has, I’ve either eaten a more interesting version of his dinner, such as using breaded chicken pieces to make a ceasar salad, or just cooked myself something entirely different.

I can cook to work around his allergies, but whatever I make he either won’t try, or tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

We have plans to travel (postponed by Covid-19, but still on the cards eventually) and I’m really worried about how we’re going to manage going to places like Bali, Thailand, Japan and India with his very restricted diet. I know I’ll want to try all the food wherever we go and he’s likely to struggle to eat at most places.

How do I manage this without it becoming a major battleground at home for each meal and with a view to travelling? As I adore my DP and don’t want to cause us issues over just this one thing, food.

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/07/2020 22:35

You're in the honeymoon period of your relationship, and you say he's great in other ways, so at the moment, you're willing to go along with his food issues, but I guarantee you, that after years of this, it will really fucking piss you off. Especially the spitting food out.

Imagine if you have kids, and are trying to get them to eat a healthy, varied diet, but they see their dad eating beige food, and spitting out anything else.

Your holidays will be spoilt by his dictating where you eat. Why travel halfway around the world to end up eating at McDonalds?

Ugh, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

LittleEntrepeneur · 07/07/2020 22:37

OP, don't give up. My DH did not eat things such as brocolli when we met. He also didn't eat anything with chilli or coriander as he thought he was allergic to them.

With a little bit of coaxing, he eats anything now. Well, we're vegan, but anything vegan. And we eat a wide range of vegetables, including things that he vowed he would never eat, such as spinach.

Your DP just needs to want to change. And if he doesn't then there's nothing you can do.

Parker231 · 07/07/2020 22:38

Does he have medical allergies or just fussy? If he’s fussy, he needs to grow up and sort himself out. He’s going to be very hungry on holiday when you’re visiting interesting local restaurants.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/07/2020 22:42

I would just cook my own meals and let him worry about feeding himself on holiday. Of there's nothing he will eat, he will be very hungry 🤷

Ostanovka · 07/07/2020 22:42

The cooking separate meals would really annoy me. There's a middle ground between chicken nuggets and nasi goreng, but if he spits out food then I don't think there's any hope. How childish and disgusting!

Welcometothe36to40Box · 07/07/2020 22:43

I noticed how the places you say you're traveling to, mostly match up with the cuisine of which you say that you eat. Are you certain that he really wants to go to those places? I'm not meaning to assume, it's just what stood out to me from your OP

ladybee28 · 07/07/2020 22:43

@Rtmhwales people regularly decide that relationships are unsustainable based on mismatched sex drives, so your reference there isn't very helpful.

And I'm guessing you didn't backpack all 7 continents over 22 months with a partner who also wanted to eat at the same time and in the same places as you, preferably without any spitting involved?

Nobody needs to justify their eating disorders or preferences, and there's nothing 'wrong' with it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact on the people in their day to day lives.

clipclop5 · 07/07/2020 22:46

OP, are his allergies bad enough to be anaphylactic? Does he carry an EpiPen? If so, it may stem from a fear of having a reaction. I would try to be a bit more understanding. If he is healthy and a normal weight then leave him be.

Rtmhwales · 07/07/2020 22:47

@ladybee I did in fact backpack with a partner (ex now) who's a massive foodie. It wasn't an issue. He just cooked what he wanted or ordered what he wanted when out. I don't remember him once in the 4 years we were together having a massive issue with my eating habits either. I would've dumped him if he'd been that broken up by it. I don't see why OP can't just make what she wants and leave her DP alone to enjoy the food he enjoys.

GreyishDays · 07/07/2020 22:51

So will he eat things like a baked potato and a chicken breast?

That at least would give you a middle ground.

If he won’t, I’d find it really hard to be sympathetic tbh.

chunkychipmonk · 07/07/2020 22:52

I had a similar issue with my partner when he moved in. He had always eaten beige food, mainly quick freezer stuff and that's what he was brought up on. There was so many things he'd never tried. At first I found myself accommodating his tastes and sacrificing my own.

I told him my concerns and he agreed to try whatever I made and eventually his taste has expanded and he has a much more varied diet. Once the kids came it got even better as he realised he needs to set a good example.

With regards to holidays, he won't starve and it may force him to try new things. I just leave my partner to it, they always find something to eat

Purpleartichoke · 07/07/2020 22:56

My DH is like that. It used to drive me crazy.

A few things helped. First, our dd was diagnosed as ASD. The diagnosis process definitely highlighted for both DH and I that had we been born in a different generation, we would likely both have a non-NT label. Basically, it’s easier to overlook pickiness
When several professionals tell you that sensory issues are real.

I only cook for him on rare occasions and only a few select things. There are even meals I know he loves and that I enjoy, that I won’t cook for him because they are the kinds of dishes that are impossible to make exactly the same time every time. So either he cooks those dinners for the family or I don’t make enough for him to eat too. For foods that he doesn’t like at all, I don’t feel bad about him having to make himself a separate dinner.

DorothygohometoKansas · 07/07/2020 22:57

@GreyishDays He’d eat a baked potato and chicken. But no noodles, rice, pasta etc.... if we’re talking about carbs, it’s just white bread and potatoes at the moment.

His allergies aren’t bad enough to need any sort of epi-pen. They cause digestive issues or rashes. The rest of the food issues seem to stem from not liking certain textures or strong tastes, so it seems.

He really wants to travel to those countries with me and I’m quite concerned about how he’ll get on with food. I just don’t want him to be hungry and have a miserable time while travelling.

OP posts:
AuntyPasta · 07/07/2020 23:03

What does he think he will eat on holiday?

GreyishDays · 07/07/2020 23:04

I don’t really see how he can travel to those sorts of countries if he doesn’t eat noodles or rice as they would be his staple if he doesn’t eat anything else.

GabsAlot · 07/07/2020 23:11

nah its not going to work travelling-what if youre in a remote place with only local food

although richard hammond seems to manage it he only eats rice everytime they go somewhere

k1233 · 07/07/2020 23:17

I'm a fussy eater - not at the level of your DP but fussy enough there's some things I just don't eat. It's up to me to find food to eat, no one else.

Leave him to it. Don't stress about food being available for him, that's his problem.

BetteDavisWeLuvU · 07/07/2020 23:19

My DP was like this (how he was brought up, his family are a flaming nightmare with food, I refuse to buy and cook anything when they stay now, we just get deliveroo which I gladly accept their contribution too!!) anyway I digress, 17 years on and he can still be fussy but is sooooooo much better, eats spicier food than I like now and loves things Japanese and Vietnamese foods for example - still weird with cheese, not eaten shit white bread in years, I do the shopping and just don't buy it!!

Yeahnahmum · 07/07/2020 23:23

Nothing worse then a grown man is eating like this (Allergies aside obs) I Couldnt deal with it. I love food. Going out for dinner will be blah, going out for lunch will be a battle, going to your family will be no longer fun, cooking at home will never be without astruggle and going out on a holiday will be a massive issue.

Life is basically centered around food. And by food I don't mean chicken nuggets and fries.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2020 23:36

What would concern me is if you have children, would he expect them to eat his crap diet? Aside from the fact that kids need plenty of fruit and especially veg in their diet, I personally think that they should be exposed to as many flavours and foods as possible in the early years to help prevent this sort of thing in NT kids. Would he feed them food you had prepared in your style for example, if you werent there?

Imohsotired · 07/07/2020 23:41

One of my friends had plain chicken and chips for their wedding meal as it's all they'll eat. I don't really see it as an issue unless you have deeper concerns about his relationship with food.

Re travelling, I worked in various places across Asia while pregnant and my diet was pretty bland so he'll manage fine. I did resort to crisp sandwiches at times! My DH joined me in a few places and my eyes were hanging out with jealously at what he was eating!

BreatheAndFocus · 07/07/2020 23:50

I’d find it really off-putting. It’s babyish and unattractive. But - and this would be the key thing for me - is he aware of his problems and is he willing to do something about them and expand his diet very gradually? And, if appropriate, see a psychologist?

If not, I couldn’t stick it, and I think it would slowly become a big issue.

I wouldn’t cook anything special for him. I’d cook ‘my’ food and make slight adjustments for him eg no spices. As for travelling, how can that possibly work and why would you want the stress of trying to find British toddler food in remote areas?

Talk to him and be kind but frank.

Twofurrycatsagain · 07/07/2020 23:54

At home he can cook for himself.
Travelling - it has the potential to drive you crackers. I know, I've travelled with a fussy eater. You want to go to a local restaurant they want Macdonald's, subway or a sodding full English. Or order something off the menu that they think will be the same as at home then sulk when it isn't.
Depends on how much tolerance you have. I made it clear that I want to try the local food and I am quite prepared to go out on my own to do so.

Srictlybakeoff · 07/07/2020 23:54

If food didn’t bother you too much I don’t think this would be too much of an issue. But it does . I love food too and the best thing about going on holiday for me and dh is trying all the different cuisines. But we do it together. I don’t think I would enjoy being on holiday with someone who didn’t get this.
I have travelled to the Far East . I love the food from there but do find it a bit scary. Of course you can get westernised food too but never being able to go out to an authentic restaurant or spend your time grazing on street food would be such a wast

FortniteBoysMum · 07/07/2020 23:59

Your partner sounds like my 10 year old autistic child. Research a condition called ARFID. His eating is not by choice its his safe foods. I'm guessing he will also have a few autistic traits.