To be worried about DP’s issues with food?

[DorothygohometoKansas]

I’ve been with DP for almost 18 months and he’s great. Just great. Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.

But there’s one thing.... He’s a picky eater. He has allergies and loads of food phobias. I’m a serious cook and major foodie.

His average diet is beige, oven chips, nuggets, potato waffles, fried eggs, white bread, mild grated cheese, fish fingers etc.... Nothing green and no interesting tastes. He eats baked beans and that’s about as much of a vegetable as he goes near.

Where’s my average week of cooking if I’m cooking just for myself can include nasi goreng , Thai curry, a long simmered made from scratch tagine, soba noodles with marinated veggies and noodles and dumplings in miso broth.

I don’t know what to do, so far before he moved in and now he has, I’ve either eaten a more interesting version of his dinner, such as using breaded chicken pieces to make a ceasar salad, or just cooked myself something entirely different.

I can cook to work around his allergies, but whatever I make he either won’t try, or tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

We have plans to travel (postponed by Covid-19, but still on the cards eventually) and I’m really worried about how we’re going to manage going to places like Bali, Thailand, Japan and India with his very restricted diet. I know I’ll want to try all the food wherever we go and he’s likely to struggle to eat at most places.

How do I manage this without it becoming a major battleground at home for each meal and with a view to travelling? As I adore my DP and don’t want to cause us issues over just this one thing, food.

There are many people in the world like him. We're a family of 7 and I cook seperate meals here. Alot of the time the base meat is the same, just different accompaniants or sauces etc. However there are times, the meals are totally different. People often comment saying I'm a 1950s slave etc but some are down to allergies and some are down to dislikes. I would never eat something I don't like so don't expect someone to eat something they don't like just because I've cooked. It actually becomes easier and half the time I don't notice having extra dishes going.

Dh use to be meat and veg man, he's come on great lol eats most things now but that was his upbringing. Visiting his parents is always a battle for me as I don't eat potatoes, they serve three quarters a plate of potatoes, always some fatty meat and processed peas, I always get commented on if I leave some or pick at it, I've told them I don't eat potatoes but they insist I'll like the mountain high potatoes if I just eat them as they went to the trouble of making them. So I think that's why I don't mind cooking seperate meals here as it's an awful feeling been made out to be weird.

The countries you mention all serve other foods, unless you are going down the route of back street restaurants or street foods, you will find other things on the menus. OK he may not get fish fingers but there will always be something he can eat and if not there's the dessert menu.

I've one child with serious food allergies, we've travelled the world and I think maybe about twice we didn't find something on the menu for her so she had dessert. Also alot of restaurants will adjust their dishes to your liking.

Tbh if he's a great guy I really wouldn't let this ruin your relationship. It's fantastic to find a good person. Food can be worked around. You can still cook together and have meals together, you'll just be eating different dishes. If you went to a restaurant with friends, you'd all eat something different.

To be fair, if he has lots of allergies he's going to have to be hugely careful in Asia when eating anyway. Lots of miscommunications - I.e don't view seafood as fish, don't see peanut oil as 'nuts', don't have allergy lists. When I went there someone served me chicken as a vegetarian because they didn't think it counted as meat.

The sense of superiority on this thread from those who self identify as foodies is overwhelming. So food as more than sustenance is absolutely central to your life? Fabulous, may that bring you joy. But it does not make you objectively more interesting, fun or open minded to be a foodie. To many people it is incredibly boring! If you are not interested, it is almost painful to be stuck listening to someone go on and on and on about food and how they once tried this wonderful dish in a far off country and how authentic and wonderful it was and what amazing thing they want to cook next and how they have tracked down a particular spice they were looking for and so on. Assuming that people who don't share your interest in and focus on food are somehow lacking is so unattractive.

Anyway, OP has options. Holiday without her DP on the basis that she couldn't possibly enjoy a holiday with someone whose attitude to food was so different to hers. End the relationship on the basis that food is massively important to her and this DP's approach to it is not compatible with hers. Attempt to bully, cajole and persuade her DP to eat food he has no wish to eat on the basis that what he currently chooses to eat does not satisfy her. Accept that her DP does not have or want to have the relationship she does with food and just get on with life.

Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.
But he isn't a foodie, so according to many pp he is so inadequate they couldn't have a relationship with him? What fun they must be to spend time with .

Nice

MintyMabel, Eh? Do you think that women should date men who they aren't compatible with then? Seriously, I've been on MN for many years and the general consensus is that we shouldn't date anyone who we aren't compatible with (for whatever reason), and that relationships should be a positive influence on our lives (for both parties) rather than negative. All I'm saying is that, as food/cooking/eating is the main interest in my life then if I couldn't share that with a partner, for whatever reason, then I shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to date them. That's not the same as saying I'd dump someone who became ill and was no longer able to enjoy food with me.

Some people are being incredibly rude.
Food aversions can’t always be helped, my DH is the only one in our house with a highly varied diet.
I have allergies but I also dislike a lot of food, mainly meat and fish but I love (basic) veg and traditional meals like roasts and spag Bol.
I happily live off chicken and noodles 😂 I’m always called super fussy but I can’t help it, I will try new foods but it can be really nerve wracking!
Unfortunately my children also have food aversions and it’s a or worse than mine but a lot of it is also sensory issues as both have autism.
They have a very beige bland diet and it’s extremely stressful trying to get the right nutrients in their diet but they can’t help it! It’s not childish or pathetic, it’s part of life for some people.
Can he not cook his own meals? So you can still enjoy the food you love and he can eat what he is comfortable with, I didn’t realise people can feel so strongly over food! My poor dh has to put up with repetitive meals as he can’t cook but I try to mix it up for him and I cook separate things for him sometimes.
When you travel he will just have to sort his food out himself, as he has allergies and aversions it’s his responsibility and not up to you to worry.
Does he need or have an epi pen? It would be good for him to see if he needs to get some extra before going away when the time comes, I carry two with me at all times or to get an allergy to test if he needs one if he hasn’t already.

Two things:

Don't cook for him. If he's going to be fussy or there are other issues, let your DP get on with it himself.

You won't struggle in Asia. Most places will have chips/pizza/fried stuff/sandwiches on the menu, particularly in SE Asian tourist areas. And if not, there's always McDonald's Burger King or one of the many 7-11 stores for a tube of Pringles.

Oh sorry I missed your post where you said he doesn’t need an epi pen but the point still stands for him to arrange his own food, it shouldn’t be a concern for you.
Can he not do a bit of research shortly before your due to travel to find places he’d be happy to eat at? Or food he can buy from a store to make for himself? It really is up to him to be prepared for it.

I don't think you sound compatible. Food sounds important to you, it is to me too. I love being in the kitchen with DH, trying out exciting recipes, talking to him about restaurants we would love to try etc etc. One of the (many) reasons I am attracted to him is because he's so good in the kitchen, and there's nothing wrong with that if you are a "foodie". If it's important to you to share these sorts of experiences with your partner, then you need to look for that. It doesn't sound like you will get that with this man. I am all for compromise but food sounds like a big deal to you? And let's face it, we all have to eat, multiple times a day!

He really wants to travel to those countries with me and I’m quite concerned about how he’ll get on with food.

We went to Bali. DH and I had Mei Goreng, DS had fish and chips. Different tastes can be catered for, we never had a problem finding a food he would eat. There's plenty places selling beige food.

This thread highlights why we are suffering such anguish over DS's restricted diet, because we know how intolerant people are. There is such a lack of sympathy and only disgust and contempt for people with food aversions. You would think that people were choosing to be awkward for shits and giggles... My DS has a diagnosis, his brain works a different way from the norm and he can't help it. He was given a broad diet when he was weaned and started off eating everything - and the food he had that he didn't like, he swallowed with a grimace and refused to have any more - and it was wonderful. Slowly he started refusing more and more foods, he used to eat peas and baked beans, then only baked beans... now he won't eat those either and I WANT TO CRY.

I would give anything to get his food issues sorted out, I don't want him to end up alone and despised as an adult because he isn't adventurous with food.

OP my DH was similar when we first got together. He actually gave me a list of food he would eat, which I totally ignored! Initially I just told him what I was cooking and asked him to join or sort himself out.

Over time, he got used to the smell of my food, then he "secretly" tried some... now he eats almost everything!
Granted it took a few years to break down the barrier, but key was not to pander to his fads and completely ignore his own food choices, however gross and tasteless I thought they were.

Having DC and sit down meals also helped him along, there is something about having a family meal! (Nope I am not suggesting you have DC 18 months into a relationship and ditch all the travelling!)

I don't think most comments are full of superiority (apart from the ones calling him a man child which is uncalled for)

For most people it's just stating that they couldnt be compatible with someone who didn't love and appreciate food as much as they do, and for the lady worried about people being intolerant of her daughter because of her food aversion I wouldn't worry as there are plenty of people who just see food as subsistence and would not see only being able to eat certain foods as a big deal.

My husband has a disability after becoming unwell a few years ago, it now means activities have to be catered to being near a toilet, so he can't do long distance hiking, his occasional medical needs mean we can't be anywhere too remote, he cant do sports such as diving, anything with a risk of impact such as climbing or contact sports....If say we weren't together and he started dating someone who absolutely lived for outdoor adventure activities, such as wild camping and travelling to very remote areas and to her that was an important part of her life. It wouldn't make her a bad person for realising she is not compatible for not wanting to be with someone she cant share those experiences with, just as it doesnt make you a bad person for realising you arent compatible with someone who doesn't share your love and appreciation of food.

It's really just not that difficult. I do the shopping, so I meal plan for me, and fill the bottom drawer of the freezer with nuggets, burgers and chips. I cook and eat my stuff; if we're eating together, I chuck something in the oven, or he can do it when he wants fed.

If I fancy a restaurant, we go and if he doesn't fancy anything, he has a drink and we get a burger on the way home. If he fancies a restaurant, we go and if I don't fancy anything, we get something else on the way home. Sometimes we go to two restaurants.

If we go to a friend's, he can eat the bits he likes, or politely force it down, or eats before/after. If we're going out for a meal with others, it's unlikely there will be nothing on the menu he can eat.

For me the hard part was accepting that food isn't a treat for him as it is me. He literally has food to survive, and that's ok.

I couldnt live with this. I would also find the childishness a huge turn off.

Surely it's perfectly reasonable to find someone you're compatible with? Different people value different things. It doesn't make you think you're superior, just different. If we didn't need to be compatible with our life partners, we'd all happily live with anyone and wouldn't need dating agences etc. I couldn't live with someone with such a restricted diet. I would find it a burden at least every evening meal time, which is 7 times a week too many.

This sounds like ARFID. Often comes hand in hand with food intolerances / allergies as the person associates very early on that bland foods are the ‘safe’ option. I wouldn’t guilt him over his food choices, if he has food anxiety, this won’t help.

He’s an adult, I’d just let him get on with choosing his own meals and what to cook for himself. Obviously, if the issue is that really you want to spend your life with someone enthusiastic about food, this is something for you to think about.

He will sort himself out in Asia. Most restaurants offer both European and Asian options. You’ll never be far away from chips or bread.

My SIL is similar, she has selective eating disorder. Her diet is pretty limited and she exists mostly on beige food. It's not quite the same as DB hates cooking so they broadly eat whatever she cooks. They are both conscious they don't want to pass this onto my nephew so she has cooked him a varied diet since he started weaning and he eats better than either of them!

As a family we just accommodate it at family events, we've got used to her having plainer things and know mostly what she eats. If we're not sure we just ask her to let us know what to get her or ask her to bring something e.g. for a bbq she likes plain chicken with a specific seasoning so she will bring it ready prepared.

Does he have other sensitivities, OP? I had a partner once who was like this about food, and that in itself wasn’t too problematic. But gradually it became clear that he had quite profound sensory issues and couldn’t tolerate lots of different kinds of lighting, or background noise (hyperacusis), or water on his face, or the texture of sand, or hot weather, or a number of other things. Eventually there just wasn’t anything we could comfortably do together except sit at home or go for walks on cloudy days. If it’s just food, I guess it can be got around. But if there are lots of other things that affect his ability to enjoy experiences that mean a lot to you, you may need to rethink whether this is the relationship for you long term.

@FrugiFan

How do people with food phobia and allergies cope if they are born and grow up in a country like India or Thailand? There must be options for people who prefer plain food.

For phobias, the foods people think of as 'safe' must be determined by culture and experiences to at least some extent? So for example, someone who is otherwise exactly the same as OPs DP but grew up in a veggie environment in rural India just isn't likely to get the opportunity to try chicken nuggets or fish fingers in their formative years. So they're never going to get established as a safe food for that person. But the things they actually have grown up on and trust might.

And for people wanting plain food, those cuisines have lots of rice and, in India's case, bread!

I went backpacking with a really fussy eater. He'd grown up on bland foods and was really funny about certain textures and smells (there was a history of disordered eating too). After a month on the road, he was happily munching on spicy curries and street food. It was a pleasure to see, really; he'd been nervous beforehand because of the limited options, but ended up really embracing it.

Book your trip and try to remember it's not your job to worry about his eating habits. If travelling doesn't change his palette it's unlikely much else will. And at that point you can decide whether it's something you can live with, rather than stressing about it before the fact. It sounds like things are great otherwise and I'd be wary of throwing that away (I say that as a foodie myself!). He must realise his diet will have to adapt to what's available and he still wants to travel, so that's a good sign!

I just don’t want him to be hungry and have a miserable time while travelling

Why are YOU taking on the mental load/responsibility for this???
How come you haven't asked him how he intends to deal with this?
You're already automatically taking over doing the mental load of how to manage his issues....and if you don't check yourself you'll end up in that swamp doing all the 'wife/women's work.

From my own and other's experience, having a person like this on holiday spoils things....the whole emotional, mental load and responsibility of 'sorting things out' will fall on you.
How much research of his own has he done about this travelling trip???

Yes exactly. Why are you casting yourself in' mum' role.?
Presumably he knows what to eat to survive. ...are you worried about his empty little tummy?

It sounds like your DP might have ARFID. In which case, it is a recognised eating disorder that goes beyond mere fussiness into big food phobia territory. I say this as a sufferer myself. It's bloody hard work. If he's anything like me, the idea of putting a risky food into his mouth probably causes extreme anxiety and makes him gag.

It's possible to make progress but it's a long road. Once been working on it for 20 years. CPT can help. There's also a therapist called Felix Economakis who is really knowledgeable in this area and does online stuff that is really helpful.

I now eat/enjoy a whole range of stuff I never used to eat - e.g. lentils, olives, lettuce etc. It's possible to make progress. But it's important to understand that ARFID sufferers are not just a bit faddy - it's very much a real psychological battle.

Want to add, some of the vitriol on here toward OP's partner is horrid. Those of you who use phrases like 'pathetic' and 'toddler' - if you had someone on here professing to have a big phobia of heights - would you you be as rude or belittling to them?

As the poster above quoted “From my own and other's experience, having a person like this on holiday spoils things....the whole emotional, mental load and responsibility of 'sorting things out' will fall on you”.

This!

This is such as accurate statement and it’s extremely stressful going on holiday with a fussy eater who invariably ruin mealtimes for the whole group.

I have a 15 YO DSD who is an extremely fussy eater. Will only eat frozen vanilla oven food. When in a restaurant will only eat a plain margarita pizza (god help you if the restaurant dares to put a basil leaf on) or eats chips and a plain burger (god help you n a tomato touches the burger).

We went to Portugal last holiday (a pretty anglicised resort). We would spend night after night walking around every restaurant in the resort trying to find something on a menu of 100 options and something she would eat. She had a plain omelet & chips (which had to be specifically requested) every night.

We couldn’t visit any restaurants that didn’t serve typical brits abroad food.

I thought at her age she might have grown out of it but it’s no different from years ago and I find it stressful so have decided to remove myself from the situation and not go on holiday or out to restaurant with her again (she also eats everything with her hands, but that’s a whole different story).

Good luck. Fussy eaters don’t change unless they want to make the change.

It shouldn't be an issue OP its not a problem that is insurmountable.
My friend has been happily married to someone like this with food for over 40 years.
In my family I have a coeliac, vegan and a vegetarian, it all makes for interesting catering when we have a get together.
Just concentrate on all the other qualities he has.