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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about DP’s issues with food?

179 replies

DorothygohometoKansas · 07/07/2020 20:53

I’ve been with DP for almost 18 months and he’s great. Just great. Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.

But there’s one thing.... He’s a picky eater. He has allergies and loads of food phobias. I’m a serious cook and major foodie.

His average diet is beige, oven chips, nuggets, potato waffles, fried eggs, white bread, mild grated cheese, fish fingers etc.... Nothing green and no interesting tastes. He eats baked beans and that’s about as much of a vegetable as he goes near.

Where’s my average week of cooking if I’m cooking just for myself can include nasi goreng , Thai curry, a long simmered made from scratch tagine, soba noodles with marinated veggies and noodles and dumplings in miso broth.

I don’t know what to do, so far before he moved in and now he has, I’ve either eaten a more interesting version of his dinner, such as using breaded chicken pieces to make a ceasar salad, or just cooked myself something entirely different.

I can cook to work around his allergies, but whatever I make he either won’t try, or tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

We have plans to travel (postponed by Covid-19, but still on the cards eventually) and I’m really worried about how we’re going to manage going to places like Bali, Thailand, Japan and India with his very restricted diet. I know I’ll want to try all the food wherever we go and he’s likely to struggle to eat at most places.

How do I manage this without it becoming a major battleground at home for each meal and with a view to travelling? As I adore my DP and don’t want to cause us issues over just this one thing, food.

OP posts:
1questionshootout · 07/07/2020 21:48

Dh and I have very different tastes in food.

I’m mostly veg, but eat fish, love spicy food, trying new things, don’t like pastry or deep fried things. Enjoy cooking from scratch.

He loves meat, pies, Fatty meats, ready made meals.

We don’t try to eat the same meals each night, but if there’s a crossover we will use it. Eg baked potato with choice of fillings. Steak/ salmon with chips and salad. Macaroni cheese with optional veg sides.

Travelling tends to be ok as we can choose what we want from the menu.

seaviewsbeyond · 07/07/2020 21:50

Do you also pop him in a high chair?

seaviewsbeyond · 07/07/2020 21:50

Do you also pop him in a high chair?

seaviewsbeyond · 07/07/2020 21:50

Do you also pop him in a high chair?

ZarkingBell · 07/07/2020 21:52

Lots of people have sensory issues with food. It sounds as if you consider your approach superior to his, rather than accepting him as having different tastes.

woofmachine · 07/07/2020 21:52

my DP would eat a food pill if it was available but even after 20 years of trying , and with some success with a more varied (and healthy) diet, I know that given the choice the beige food will always win.
Also think a lot of people like to use "allergies" to justify avoiding certain foods ,
I would leave him to cook his own food and source his own on your travels.

Littlemissweepy · 07/07/2020 21:54

This would really bother me. Spitting out what you cook without even chewing it?! You say he is a proper grown up, but food wise he sounds less developed than an average toddler.

ladybee28 · 07/07/2020 21:55

I can completely get this, OP, and you're not being snooty, it's a practical issue.

Not being able to eat together or having to make major adjustments to plans based on something that happens three times per day is going to impact on your day to day life together – it's a theoretical non-issue, but in reality it's hard.

Is he doing anything to ease his own issues with food, given that this is going to be a health issue long-term? Or does he expect you to just accommodate everything?

ErickBroch · 07/07/2020 21:57

I have a lot of issues with food and it's shite and embarrassing. It's not as bad as him because I have forced myself over the years to try lots of new stuff in hopes I like some of it - which I have! You will have to live with it and cook separatly or just end it. You can't force him to suddenly love Thai food but if it's a big problem for you, then you shouldn't have to live with it!

PawPawNoodle · 07/07/2020 21:58

I'd find it tiresome to have my partner criticising my food preferences and forcing persuading me to try their cooking when I just don't want to.

Wecandothis99 · 07/07/2020 21:58

It's pathetic isn't it, I had a friend like this, in Thailand he will have plain noodle every day or English food. More fool him

Luckingfovely · 07/07/2020 21:58

I don't think you're being superior for enjoying and cooking proper food.

I understand how this could be a real issue - and I couldn't be with a man like this. First of all the childish behaviour, the pathetic approach to basic nutrition, and then the lack of sharing of one of the greatest pleasures in life. Travelling will be a hairy nightmare.

Only you know if the rest of the relationship is worth putting up with this for - sorry if that's harsh.

DorisLessingsCat · 07/07/2020 22:01

This would be a deal breaker for me. How old is he?

Redleathertrousers · 07/07/2020 22:01

I couldn't do it. I find food phobias and fussy eating very childish and I don't have the patience for it. I went travelling to the same places and food was one of the greatest parts of my experience. If I had been with someone who couldn't eat this or wouldn't try that, I would have lost my rag.

YabbaDabbaHooooo · 07/07/2020 22:02

It's extremely childish behaviour!
My DH is fussy and after nearly 20years, it gets wearing. And my DH eats more variety than yours!

Are you prepared to make every single meal forever, or else eat shitty chopped and shaped chicken nuggets for the rest of your life?

I've reached the point I know my marriage isn't going to last more than the next year and his eating is a major factor in why.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/07/2020 22:03

Cook for yourself and leave him to sort himself out. I had a restrictive diet when I was younger, there was always something I could eat. Plain noodles, spaghetti, chips etc are available at the vast majority of places. And because no one pressured me I dealt with it myself and have quite a varied diet with specific restrictions.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 07/07/2020 22:04

I would find it very unattractive, especially the spitting out food and whining.

I was going to say at the begin that you just cook for you and he can cook for himself. And just let him get on with it on holiday - make it clear before you go that he’s not going to stop you going to the places you want to eat.

That doesn’t sound idea but it’s ok if he’s great in other ways.

However the spitting out food and moaning about it sounds like he might be selfish and childish in other ways too, which might make me think again.

Batfinklestein · 07/07/2020 22:06

Unfortunately I agree with @Luckingfovely
Only you can decide if this issue is worth putting up with.
Personally I would really, really struggle. I enjoy cooking and eating new things. Picky eaters really irritate me, which I know is my issue!
I once dated a guy who only liked what I would consider bland, 70’s children’s school dinner food. He would criticise my cooking because I used “too many herbs and things”. There’s a reason he’s an ex!

AuntyPasta · 07/07/2020 22:13

Does he actually have allergies?

I couldn’t live with it but you have to decide if you can. For me, cooking new recipes at home, going to new restaurants and trying different foods on holiday are important. That isn’t going to happen with him. Someone who is spitting out food has
issues that aren’t going to magically disappear. You need to either accept him as he is, breaded chicken and all, or leave him. He’s not your child and it not your job to expand his diet. If he buys and cooks his own (beige) dinner why do you feel the need to push him to change?

SimplySteveRedux · 07/07/2020 22:15

I don’t know what to do

Kick him out so I can take his place. Serious YUM.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2020 22:16

The bottom line is that his food issues already really bother you, and you need to realise your irritation is only going to get worse. It won't get better because he will never change. My FIL is in his 60's has always eaten like a toddler, and if anything it's gotten far worse as he's gotten older. It's fucking infuriating to be honest, and my MIL has allowed this to control what she eats or brings into the home. It's ridiculous.

Rhine · 07/07/2020 22:22

I went to Rome with someone who had a made up allergy to dairy. Really they just didn’t like cheese, which is fine, but obviously Italians eat a lot of it. That was fun I can tell you.

They were so allergic to dairy they practically gorged themselves on fucking gelato!

Rtmhwales · 07/07/2020 22:27

Wow, some people are pretty nasty on here.

He's an adult. Let him eat what he wants. I have similar to him in that I'm allergic to many foods, and phobic of others. I have an eating disorder called ARFID - google it OP. It covers what he's like.

That said, I managed to backpack all seven continents on a continuous 22 month trip and managed just fine without someone nagging me to try things outside of my comfort zone. I tried some of what I thought I could handle and avoided what I couldn't. And managed just perfectly fine, as I imagine your DP will. Life isn't just about food, just as it isn't just about sex life for some people or dogs or etc etc.

Rtmhwales · 07/07/2020 22:28

Wow, some people are pretty nasty on here.

He's an adult. Let him eat what he wants. I have similar to him in that I'm allergic to many foods, and phobic of others. I have an eating disorder called ARFID - google it OP. It covers what he's like.

That said, I managed to backpack all seven continents on a continuous 22 month trip and managed just fine without someone nagging me to try things outside of my comfort zone. I tried some of what I thought I could handle and avoided what I couldn't. And managed just perfectly fine, as I imagine your DP will. Life isn't just about food, just as it isn't just about sex life for some people or dogs or etc etc.

VenusTiger · 07/07/2020 22:32

How do you manage it ? you said he's a grown up OP - so he can manage it himself - put it this way, he's not suggesting you eat what -he- eats is he? so, just leave him to it and enjoy - it shouldn't cause a problem during your travels, as you say, he's a grown up - he should know by now that he is eating tasteless food and so will have to order from the English menu when you're abroad.... good luck with the street food!

I'm a foodie and cook asian cuisine a LOT - my DH doesn't mind it, but doesn't like it all the time - he's NIrish so likes plain (boring lol) food - my son has been eating tonnes of herbs and spices since he was 18 months old - he recognises many spices just from the smell - I really can't stand fussy eaters (sorry, not sorry) so that's why I've got my son's pallette into so many different flavours at such a young age. My DH was 18 when he tried his first curry! I'm from the Midlands, so have been eating curries since I was 3 Grin I love interesting and healthy food and think it's so important to enjoy eating.

Let your DP be and you be you.

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