To be worried about DP’s issues with food?

[DorothygohometoKansas]

I’ve been with DP for almost 18 months and he’s great. Just great. Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.

But there’s one thing.... He’s a picky eater. He has allergies and loads of food phobias. I’m a serious cook and major foodie.

His average diet is beige, oven chips, nuggets, potato waffles, fried eggs, white bread, mild grated cheese, fish fingers etc.... Nothing green and no interesting tastes. He eats baked beans and that’s about as much of a vegetable as he goes near.

Where’s my average week of cooking if I’m cooking just for myself can include nasi goreng , Thai curry, a long simmered made from scratch tagine, soba noodles with marinated veggies and noodles and dumplings in miso broth.

I don’t know what to do, so far before he moved in and now he has, I’ve either eaten a more interesting version of his dinner, such as using breaded chicken pieces to make a ceasar salad, or just cooked myself something entirely different.

I can cook to work around his allergies, but whatever I make he either won’t try, or tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

We have plans to travel (postponed by Covid-19, but still on the cards eventually) and I’m really worried about how we’re going to manage going to places like Bali, Thailand, Japan and India with his very restricted diet. I know I’ll want to try all the food wherever we go and he’s likely to struggle to eat at most places.

How do I manage this without it becoming a major battleground at home for each meal and with a view to travelling? As I adore my DP and don’t want to cause us issues over just this one thing, food.

@Stuckforthefourthtime

You already sound like you're slipping into a mum-child dynamic - food is a 'battlegroubd', he spits things out without tasting them.

Unless that's a thing you both get a kick out of, I'd ditch him immediately.

Agree with this

My diet is more varied than his, BUT I don't like spices. ANY spices. Not even a tiny bit!!!
My DH likes spice but usually only has it when we ate out, pre Covid.
I have travelled to Singapore and some of Asia and I found it difficult to find food I liked. My DH was in heaven, though!

I couldn't be in a long term relationship with someone like that. I love food and eventually it will get frustrating.

I can only equate it to when my exh son was with us, and every outing, every meal had to end up somewhere serving beige, and the right kind of beige too. We missed many a decent restaurant, and trying all sorts of food when travelling, and everything, every day, focused on finding beige some where...

It's only food. It really doesn't matter what each of you puts in your mouth, surely?
You cook what you like, he sorts himself out.

It's one think I cannot understand. Why it seems so very important what someone else eats and drinks. If I'm having a meal with someone, I have what I like, they have what they like. We're eating together, enjoying ourselves. Isn't that the point?

I’d go on holiday with a friend and let him cook his own food at home.

@VettiyaIruken Yes that’s fine if you can easily both find something you can eat. But OPs concern is that when they go on holiday much of the time her partner will struggle to find something, and it runs the risk of spoiling the holiday.

We went away with friends last year and didn’t realise how fussy the DH was. First few nights were spent traipsing around trying to find somewhere we can all eat. We ended up having meals separately which was a shame as being together is the whole point of going away together!

I couldn’t be with someone who ate like a toddler (in fact my four year old has a more varied diet). Only you can decide if it’s a deal-breaker though.

Most places serve bread, for example. They can munch on that then grab something else later. Pack food they can eat even if that's a dozen packets of noodles, go to a shop, etc. In 99% of cases there's a solution that means everyone gets to eat what they want.

Go where the majority wants to go and the picky eater is the one who has to sort themselves out.

Of course, if they are mardy and childish about it and expect everyone else to prioritise them, that's something different and in those cases they need a boot up the backside.

My husband eats beige, stodgy meaty food. Rarely eats veg, loves a pie, eats cheap burgers with white plastic bread - you get the picture.

I'm a vegan who thinks food should be colourful and taste of stuff 😂

We just eat separate meals (although he does annoy me when he tells me in detail about his dodgy stomach when he's eaten something even vaguely spicy, or points out every bit of chilli that he eats in a dish as if it's a badge of honour).

We've been married nearly twenty years, you can manage - just involves a lot of washing up.

Why are you making his problem your problem? He's a grown man, he can handle it like he's been doing his whole life already. It's not your job to nanny him and his food choices.

You cook your food, he cooks his. You both travel to the places you want to go and he'll figure out what he can eat while he's there and can see a menu. It's really not a big deal.

How do people with food phobia and allergies cope if they are born and grow up in a country like India or Thailand? There must be options for people who prefer plain food.

I think you have to think about whether this is doable long term. I would say you are an adventurous eater. The food you describe eating is unusual, and your DP is the complete opposite. I think this will be a struggle in the long term.

I was a very fussy eater when I was younger, and DH will eat pretty much anything. The difference with me and your DP is that I was willing to try new foods, and give them a chance. There are also certain textures that I couldn't cope with when younger that I am okay with now. If your DP is not willing to try and change I don't see how this will work for you long term, you are just too different.

I'd find this really difficult to put up with, I'm a foodie too. What does he say about it OP? Do you ask him what he's going to eat when you travel? I haven't been to all those places you listed but it can be difficult to find things like potatoes and chicken nuggets in those places.

He isn’t a fussy eater. He has food phobias and allergies.

Easy solution, cook two meals. If you are going to keep insisting he tries your shit, he will leave, and so he should. He’s an adult and is perfectly capable of deciding what he will and won’t eat.

I couldn’t be with someone who ate like a toddler

I couldn’t be with someone so shallow they would see what another person eats as a problem.

This would be a real deal breaker for me - I’m a real foodie and love to cook.

Think about the impact of this - foreign holidays will be a nightmare, eating out at new interesting restaurants will be a no (as they won’t serve bland, vanilla food).

I have a 15 YO DSD will similar eating habits to your OH, mealtimes are difficult and eating out is a no as her diet is so restrictive. I feel sorry for her, but it’s only her that can make the change (and she doesn’t want to). She’s happy eating bland sh*t food every meal.

I would have not made it past the 3rd date with a man like that so it can't actually be bothering you that much if you've been together for 18 months! The only solution is to leave him to it, cook for yourself only otherwise you'll turn into his mother and that's very off putting. He'll be able to eat plenty of rice and sandwiches abroad but it will mean your choice of dinner places will be quite limited etc and you have to be ok with it. Or end it.

@RincewindsHat

Why are you making his problem your problem? He's a grown man, he can handle it like he's been doing his whole life already. It's not your job to nanny him and his food choices.

You cook your food, he cooks his. You both travel to the places you want to go and he'll figure out what he can eat while he's there and can see a menu. It's really not a big deal.

It's really not like that though. You end up spending half the time looking for some where that might serve appropriate beige stuff, meaning many times you miss out on what you would like to try, or you never eat together.

Even then the focus in many countries still ends up being finding some where that will serve the correct (and remember he's specific on his likes) beige. Just getting food 3 times a day becomes a mission or you head back to the same god forsaken beige restaurant every day in an exotic location...

Sorry I couldn't deal with dating a man who behaves like a toddler.
He spits out food and says he doesn't like it?
Fuck that.

Just cook for yourself and let him cook for himself. My DH isn't as adventurous with food as I am. We take it in turns going to restaurants. If he doesn't want to eat something from where I choose then he goes hungry. You are there for the company and to spend time together.

Is food really such a huge part of your life that it will cause problems in an otherwise good relationship?

@theemmadilemma so don't play that game. It's not on for one person to dictate stuff like that. She can pick somewhere she wants to eat and he can eat something there or not. If he doesn't want to, he can pick up something else somewhere else. Why should she make all the sacrifices here because he's got some issue with trying different foods? Let him go back to the same beige restaurant if he likes, and if he's not completely selfish he'll understand her POV and go to other restaurants with her so she can enjoy the food she likes.

It would be a deal breaker for me, so much so that I'd need to find out about a man's attitude to food on the first date. If they were fussy eaters (for whatever reason - and I do feel sorry for people with ARFID or many allergies or intolerances) then there wouldn't be a second date as I know that being with someone who had a restrictive diet would jar regularly. Lifestyle medicine is a massive part of my life and I love eating out, cooking, and trying new recipes so it would be a major compatibility issue. I would also have major concerns over the influence a fussy eater of a partner would have on children.

@RincewindsHat I'm not playing any games, and I'm certainly not saying she should. I'm saying what it ends up like. They're travelling as a couple, so unlikely to go off eating alone. It will become contentious. She will end up feeling like they're constantly focusing on finding some where he can grab something, or telling him to bugger off alone 3 times a day to find something he wants to eat so she can eat what she wants. It still becomes a focus for the couple simply though it's inflexibility.

He spits out food and says he doesn't like it?

Had a food phobia have you? What else is he supposed to do when the OP has been nagging him to eat something he knows he won’t be able to tolerate? If he swallows it he throws up, would you rather that?

I know that being with someone who had a restrictive diet would jar regularly

You wouldn’t date someone with a Jej or a peg?