To be worried about DP’s issues with food?

[DorothygohometoKansas]

I’ve been with DP for almost 18 months and he’s great. Just great. Lovely, caring, funny and a proper grown up. He moved in before lockdown and he shares chores and the mental load perfectly. He’s also great company and very chilled out.

But there’s one thing.... He’s a picky eater. He has allergies and loads of food phobias. I’m a serious cook and major foodie.

His average diet is beige, oven chips, nuggets, potato waffles, fried eggs, white bread, mild grated cheese, fish fingers etc.... Nothing green and no interesting tastes. He eats baked beans and that’s about as much of a vegetable as he goes near.

Where’s my average week of cooking if I’m cooking just for myself can include nasi goreng , Thai curry, a long simmered made from scratch tagine, soba noodles with marinated veggies and noodles and dumplings in miso broth.

I don’t know what to do, so far before he moved in and now he has, I’ve either eaten a more interesting version of his dinner, such as using breaded chicken pieces to make a ceasar salad, or just cooked myself something entirely different.

I can cook to work around his allergies, but whatever I make he either won’t try, or tries a mouthful and spits out before even chewing, saying he doesn’t like it.

We have plans to travel (postponed by Covid-19, but still on the cards eventually) and I’m really worried about how we’re going to manage going to places like Bali, Thailand, Japan and India with his very restricted diet. I know I’ll want to try all the food wherever we go and he’s likely to struggle to eat at most places.

How do I manage this without it becoming a major battleground at home for each meal and with a view to travelling? As I adore my DP and don’t want to cause us issues over just this one thing, food.

I would find this off putting in a relationship. It's quite childlike behaviour. He's probably been pandered to quite a lot. Is he grown up in other respects or a bit and of a wet flannel?

OP, do you think it was how he was brought up? My cousins don't eat vegetables and only really eat beige foods. When we were children, if they didn't like something, they didn't have to eat it. My aunty would let them eat anything they liked. My mum, on the other hand, made me eat what was put in front of me. I eat everything now, even thought I hated vegetables growing up.

@LittleEntrepeneur

OP, do you think it was how he was brought up? My cousins don't eat vegetables and only really eat beige foods. When we were children, if they didn't like something, they didn't have to eat it. My aunty would let them eat anything they liked. My mum, on the other hand, made me eat what was put in front of me. I eat everything now, even thought I hated vegetables growing up.

My ex FIL is just the same.

Only eats 4 things. I am not exaggerating.

When he was a child his father died and his mum had to work so his gran looked after him. Whenever he said he didnt like something he gran would never give it to him again and would nag and undermine his mum until she was doing the same. Ended up with him only eating chips, crisps, white bread and weetabix. How the hell he isnt dead I dont know.

Its isnt a ASD thing, he was just never encouraged to eat anything else. His gran faithfully made him chips every single day.

@FortniteBoysMum

Your partner sounds like my 10 year old autistic child. Research a condition called ARFID. His eating is not by choice its his safe foods. I'm guessing he will also have a few autistic traits.

Sometimes it really isnt that though. As I said with my FIL if he has been brought up being pandered to and never experimenting, he will never really try anything different as it will shock his tastebuds. It will make a mild tasting food such as spag bol taste like the hottest curry in the world.

@PyongyangKipperbang It's sad, isn't it? I feel these people are really missing out. Not just on nutrients but also the pleasure from eating good food.

OP, I think your DP will probably starve in Asia. That said, maybe it will provide the motivation he needs to eat other foods.

@LittleEntrepeneur

It really is, we had to arrange a special meal for him at our wedding. You'd have thought he would be embarrassed and manage to choke down a bit of the food, for appearances sake. But no, he had to have chips and bread

I just don’t want him to be hungry

YOU'RE NOT HIS MUM.

If the man child is hungry, that's his problem.

Do you HAVE to eat what he eats? No.
Does he HAVE to eat what you eat? Also no.

He is an adult and can accommodate himself.

My dd eats like your dh, hers is down to sensory issues & autism, and she cannot help what she can/can't tolerate.

Good to see all the bullying of an adult who has food aversions on here though, I will make sure I let my dd know that being bullied for having an aversion to something is OK and to expect it as an adult.

There are many horrible replies here, it's no wonder that kids still pick on those who are different.

I couldn’t live with someone that ate like a toddler. No matter what his redeeming features were, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Ugh my husband it the same I find it really boring and dinnertime is just so bland, just meat and potatoes, I looked at his plate once and just felt sick was just waffles and chicken nuggets and garlic bread, with ketchup being the only colour, I don't think I'd mind as much if he made any effort for me, but if he cooks then I get the same, with a bag of frozen veg thrown in and that's ment to be enough. I love a stir fry, a spag bol a curry anything!! Just varieties, he won't he even have a lasagna, or anything in with tiny bits of onion, I can't bear to watch him picking through his dinner when I've had enough and thought stuff it I'll make what I want and he can just eat what he wants.

we've got a toddler now and I can see he likes alot of beige food as well which I'm not sure is just be us he's 2 or becus of what daddy eats, the irony is my husband thinks he's this big adventurer type man, Due to his hobbies and Intrests but won't eat anything that can't be cooked in 12-15mins from a packet or try anything new, anytime we go for dinner, it's pizza or nandos, or just a burger place, I insisted on wagamamas once and he got a starter and then said he wasn't hungry then ordered a takeaway nandos I just sat eating on my own in the restaurant, with him just sat there.
I get so wound up, but then I speak to friends and ones husband has had an affair and one turned to drugs and ruined there family life, so I think ugh could be worse, but I would find it more attractive if he even tried tbh, I don't know the answer.

I'm like your DP. Not necessarily fussy but just really can't be arsed with food and not interested.

I dated a guy for a while who was like you. It was a source of frustration because he felt I didn't appreciate the efforts he went to to cook. I didn't. I just thought what's the point?

He would want us to waste a perfectly good Sunday making home made pasta and things like that.

We didn't break up because of that but it did annoy me as I felt he was always criticising me for not wanting to spend hours in the kitchen.

@Flowerpot26

Ugh my husband it the same I find it really boring and dinnertime is just so bland, just meat and potatoes, I looked at his plate once and just felt sick was just waffles and chicken nuggets and garlic bread, with ketchup being the only colour, I don't think I'd mind as much if he made any effort for me, but if he cooks then I get the same, with a bag of frozen veg thrown in and that's ment to be enough. I love a stir fry, a spag bol a curry anything!! Just varieties, he won't he even have a lasagna, or anything in with tiny bits of onion, I can't bear to watch him picking through his dinner when I've had enough and thought stuff it I'll make what I want and he can just eat what he wants. we've got a toddler now and I can see he likes alot of beige food as well which I'm not sure is just be us he's 2 or becus of what daddy eats, the irony is my husband thinks he's this big adventurer type man, Due to his hobbies and Intrests but won't eat anything that can't be cooked in 12-15mins from a packet or try anything new, anytime we go for dinner, it's pizza or nandos, or just a burger place, I insisted on wagamamas once and he got a starter and then said he wasn't hungry then ordered a takeaway nandos I just sat eating on my own in the restaurant, with him just sat there. I get so wound up, but then I speak to friends and ones husband has had an affair and one turned to drugs and ruined there family life, so I think ugh could be worse, but I would find it more attractive if he even tried tbh, I don't know the answer.

Cook for yourself?

I couldn't bear this OP l would have ended the relationship before it got serious. I think it's a serious incompatibility which would affect your life day in day out forevermore, just like a complete incompatibility between the sheets (worse in fact as I don't shag three times a day! :))

Also for me cooking is my love language (you know how they say you show affection in one of five ways blah blah). I genuinely and literally show my love for family and friends by cooking (my hobby) and breaking bread together.

If you're not willing to break up with him over it (it sounds like you are not) you'll just have to develop coping strategies e.g. on holiday send him ahead 30 mins before dinner to scout out menus and present you with two local restaurants where there is something he can eat so there's no drama or arguing. Or he learns how to say 'plain grilled chicken and rice' in the language so he always has a safe backup.

It would do my head in but I'm easily irritated by food. My children will always choose bribe if given an option but inplough I'm giving them veg and "weird meals" as they call them, like sausage casserole and chilli! It would be dealbreaker for me but if you truly love him you may get past it

I sympathise with your DP, up to the spitting out of food. I like good food, I like healthy food, I will try most things, but with some foods it is the smell and the texture that completely puts me off. Even a mouthful of the "wrong" food can put me off eating for several hours.
Eating out has therefore always been an issue for me, restaurants always seem to put some spice or oil into food that spoils it for me. I definitely get the "safe" foods issue when ordering at restaurants. A friend of mine is vegan and I do really struggle to eat the vegan food because of all the spices and herbs. It's not that I don't like foods that taste, as I love mustard and also horseradish sauce.
My attitude is that I will try always try someone once or even twice, unfortunately I now have a long list of things I have tried twice and just don't like. Ultimately it all depends on your DP as to whether he is willing to try new things, and hopefully you can find middle ground.

I understand, op. If you are proud of your cooking, but the person you eat with the most acts like it's inedible it can be very sad and deflating. My Dh is nowhere near as fussy as yours, but a lot of things I love he just doesn't like, and I really do miss them. Sometimes I make something just for me, but in day to day life with kids it's too much effort to make separate meals all the time. We have enough overlap that it's ok (eg he'll eat potatoes, pasta, instant noodles, but no rice or stir fried noodles), but it's still a source of annoyance, and I have the extra understanding of being picky myself (basically the whole brassica family is a no no).
Then again I wouldn't break up with him over it because I doubt I'd find someone else as generally well matched to me.

I wonder how much of is it allergies and how much of it is him convincing himself he won't like other foods?

I'm not a fussy eater in terms of flavour but I am really picky with textures - I have ASD though, and some foods just make me gag - cooked spinach is one, raw tomato another - I also can't stand fried eggs or bananas! I genuinely will gag on them and if forced to confuse would probably be sick. Luckily there's enough out there I can eat that it's not really a problem.

But if someone broke up with me for it? Well, I don't know. It's not like I can just rid of my sensory issues

This would really annoy me to be honest. He absolutely has the right to eat what he wants but I couldn't be bothered cooking for him. I don't even cook separately for DS who is 7 months. He has what we have. Allergies are legitimate and I would cook around those but spitting out food you've made is just rude. I couldn't cope with a beige diet. I know it sounds extreme but I think this would honestly put me off him.
As far as travelling I assume you mean far flung places like Asia? I think he'll struggle both with his allergies and his pickyness.

I’d find this very childish and unappealing, probably enough to kill off romantic feelings over time. Just so much work living with someone with the habits of a fussy toddler, really limits what you can do and where you can go. I can’t see how someone with those sort of habits could manage anywhere in Asia, you’d have to keep adapting your travel plans to find food that he could eat. And tbh I’d really be VERY unsure if he’d adapt happily to travelling in Asia, it’s very different to Western countries and I’d wonder if someone who was so inflexible with food could even handle the cultural differences of Asia, you could end up having a pretty shit time travelling with him.

I’d really wonder in an 18 month relationship if this is something you want in your life long term. Everyone has their own deal breakers, this would make him pretty incompatible with most women unless you want a mother type thing happening. Food is such a big part of normal life - my youngest is a fusspot and it’s a giant pain in the neck but compared to your partner he’s a gourmet. Good luck OP, you’ll need it with this one.

He will not cope in India, Thailand and Bali. Toddlers in those countries eat rice and vegetables. It's not your problem I guess, but it will ruin your holiday if you can only stay in the one hotel in a major city that serves chips butties and can't visit any more remote places or go on trips. Because he will actually starve in some parts of Asia.

As others said, I would have binned him off long ago because cooking and eating adventurously, trying new food and sharing meals is important to me, but if you really like him you'll have to face that you will be forever compromising what you want to do because of his issues.

Actually I understand your concern totally. When you go on holiday you need to eat. It’s normal to go to local restaurants etc. If you constantly have to pick places that serve chicken nuggets and chips it’s going to be a real struggle. Either you go someplace which serves “English food” and eat their all the time,and you miss out, or he comes with you and basically goes hungry.

At home it’s simple, you need to eat seperate meals. Unpleasant but simple. I couldn’t be arsed with it myself. However travelling is going to be an issue. I think you need to sit him down and ask him where and what he intends to eat in those countries and how he will cope. Because I’m not sure travel is realistic or going to be pleasurable if meals are difficult for both of you.

I couldn't deal with this. This seems extreme as i would class things like pasta and rice as plain and innocuous foods. The holiday will be a nightmare as you won't be able to go to the decent local restaurants- you'll be stuck going to the touristy ones that serve mediocre authentic dishes and mediocre'british' foods. Yuck!

Have you talked to him about it?

@Haggisfish

If you have dc together you may end up cooking three meals. I wouldn’t like it-it would make eating out crap.

Um why is she cooking for him and the kids every day? He can cook his own shit beige food and they can take it in turns for the kids

You already sound like you're slipping into a mum-child dynamic - food is a 'battlegroubd', he spits things out without tasting them.

Unless that's a thing you both get a kick out of, I'd ditch him immediately.

If everything else is ok, can you go on holiday somewhere on your list (CV19 permitting) and see how it goes?

I went to Thailand last year and my fussy toddler was able to get bread/chips/pizza fairly easily and we weren't just staying in a big international hotel. If it's a disaster and ruins the holiday then you'll know if it's a deal-breaker.

FWIW my diet has changed hugely in the 12 years I've been with DH, mainly due to doing WW and upping my vegetable intake but DH has made me much more adventurous with food.