To ask if you're married or in a relationship, do you have sex every day?

[ViVi6]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DP wants sex daily and would love it to be multiple times a day, whereas I'm happy with twice a week or every other day at most.

If a day or two has gone by and we haven't done it I can tell he's becoming frustrated which makes me feel inadequate for not wanting it more.

The obvious answer would be that he "helps himself" on those occasions which I'm sure that he does but that doesn't mean he won't still want sex.

What is your normal?

How do people have the time and energy to have sex multiple times a day?

Well, when we did have the energy, it went something like this: bed at 11pm, have sex. Wake up around 2am, have sex. Wake up at 6am, have sex.

Assuming you wash beforehand, have to clean up after, and have to work, shop, cook, clean, take care of dc, or whatever.

Never assume
Why on earth would you bother washing beforehand? Does it not kill the mood?

We used to do it daily just because we each thought the other wanted it! Luckily my DP raised it as an issue after a while, and we both agreed that actually it was a bit much! So we are now down to twice or maybe three times a week on average - enjoy it much much more now!

Good luck - hope everything works out for you

Most days yes unless I'm very tired. DH still wants it even if he's exhausted but I go past a certain point where I can't. Having said that it's usually still about 4 or 5 times a week.

ViVi6 I think a combination of P/T work ,looking after small children and so on can be exhausting and all consuming TBH! Many young Mums feel the way you do! There often isnt really a solution to this ,but as someone once said small children are the greatest contraceptive there is! Do you get much time on your own together? Maybe a date night and DC can go to DGPs? Or schedule some time out in the day if you can while DC at School or Nursery.Most women dont really turn from Mummy/Housekeeper ,into a passionate sexual being on the turn of a coin! Just being together ,talking and having space will probably warm your libido! Can DP help with DC /house chores a bit more do you think?

We’re about once a week, excluding the week when I’m on my period. Some weeks it’s twice. I’d say on average it’s about 6 times a month.

Honestly, I love DH and I do find him attractive but I’ve always had a problem where I get bored of sex once the person becomes familiar

We’ve been together 7 years now and sex just isn’t exciting anymore. It’s okay when we do it, both our needs are met IYSWIM but it’s never passionate or exciting anymore and that’s purely down to me. I just can’t seem to get really, really excited and turned on with the partner that I’ve been with for 7 years!

Now sex with a stranger, that’s a different matter that won’t even be happening though so I just have to get on with it.

I just wish I knew how people that have been together for say, 20 years can get so turned on that they want/ have sex everyday / 3 times a day. I think that gene must be missing in me as I can’t even comprehend it

Sex just isn’t top of my priority list once I’m in a long term relationship. I’d rather watch tv etc, snuggle in bed with a good book. Also, DH is similar to the OP’s, he equates feeling loved with having sex and he denies it but he’s definitely cooler towards me if it’s been a few days without sex. Also, I would just like to kiss/ cuddle/ stroke without ANY expectation of sex whatsoever. I’m fairly sure I’d get turned on and want it if I could just relax knowing he’s not going to try and turn every kiss/ hug etc into sex. As it is, he does and I freeze and don’t want to engage any longer. It pisses me off that we can’t just give each other a massage or anything just for pure relaxation and that he ALWAYS has to turn it into sex. It ruins it for me.

3 times on average a week here, which we both are happy with. But I had a previous boyfriend who wanted it at least once a day. Not for me!

Husband whinges if its less than once a week. It's so sexy I make him wait longer.

I have health issues so not in the mood the vast majority of the time. Plus our DD does not sleep until 11.30pm, DH asleep by 9.30 and I am not a morning person.

Around 3 times a week maybe 4

I have zero interest in lockdown. He is driving me up the wall all day and I have no personal space. Its the last thing I want.

And he only ever wants it in the morning. When the kids are already awake, I'm therefore not going to be able to relax.

But then I think we are at once this year, so...

Bloody hell, of course not. Once a month at best.

Nope, had it this morning though 🤪 Probably twice a week for us and it certainly suits me although I reckon DH would like more, especially judging by the raging stonk on he wakes up with everyday!

@Quartz2208

I have. He doesn’t ask daily but if he feels that it has been too long more than six days he hints at it.

He assumed that the time he has to chill in the late evenings was the same for me. I’ve usually dozed off within moments of getting in bed and woken up when he has come upstairs assuming he was one of the boys. Neither one sleeps through frequent enough and are oldest sometimes stays up for 2-4 hours when he does wake up and I struggle to get back to sleep. In the late evenings, after having a bit too much wine he sometimes brings up the past before children or during the day once in awhile says “I know you’re going to decline but do you want to try”.

He wasn’t like this before and I think what brought this on was our youngest dropping his naps earlier this year so we weren’t able to get those times in anymore and with both boys home it’s a struggle to even be able to concentrate and focus for me without being on alert to them. We don’t have any family nearby so we’re lucky if we get one date night a year.

It is a bit of a power struggle, but it’s getting better.

He's gone off to bed now without a kiss that I get on the nights we have sex. It's not a coincidence is it, the grumpy get.

That's much more of a problem than the mismatched sex drives IMO. An ex of mine thought once a month was too often. I was mid 30s and he was just 40 so I ended up climbing the walls. He made me feel guilty for wanting sex more often. I have a slightly higher sex drive than my current partner, but nothing like the kind of mismatch I had with the ex. We've talked about it and I've made it very clear that there really isn't an issue if he's tired and stressed and just doesn't want sex.

In his case, I know it's not symptomatic of a problem with our relationship. He's just not in the mood because he works full time and he's a single parent. We are very physically affectionate day to day and often that's enough for both of us.

@Hazysummers (and anyone else with this concern including @ViVi6)

Honestly, I love DH and I do find him attractive but I’ve always had a problem where I get bored of sex once the person becomes familiar

This is supppper common, it's not just your problem by any means! It's like just so so common and in fact there's a ton of research on this topic related to (mainly hetero) women's sexuality- check out Dr Wednesday Martin's book 'Untrue' and this article.

www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a23322548/wednesday-martin-untrue-female-sexuality/

"If you find yourself bored with your partner, don't assume you're not interested in sex, period. One study notes that, after 2–3 years in a monogamous relationship, men’s libidos plateau while women’s take a sharp decline. You likely need something more, something different, more variety in your sex life, not no sex at all."

I think this is a big reason why women find men pushing or even hinting for sex so unbearable. It just is a massive repellent basically once the desire has already started dropping off. Even if you have a high libido, that's really going to be dependent on the person you're with- if you already have that variety and are super compatible, of course you can maintain that high libido together, but if you had a high libido before but other things get in the way (lack of communication, stress, other relationship conflicts) that loss of desire will come a whole lot quicker for women, not because they don't want sex as much as men, but because often they want sex in a different way to men and different things matter to them in terms of maintaining their desire. Plus of course not being socialised like men to expect our sexual needs to be met and lack of modelling on how to ask for this, assumptions we don't want sex anyway etc.

Not saying this is for every woman, or even every woman in every realtionship. In past relationships, I never wanted sex at all, in fact it was painful, and found this really made me feel guilty, unhappy, confused and in the end I saw a sex therapist and physio who helped me to realise it was the relationship I didn't want, and my body was trying to tell me that. Now though, I generally want sex more than my partner does, and this caused us a lot of issues early on but we realised it's all about talking about it and basically taking the positives of the relationship and working around the negatives. As long as you can talk about it and not ignore it, that's the main thing.

I just wish I knew how people that have been together for say, 20 years can get so turned on that they want/ have sex everyday / 3 times a day. I think that gene must be missing in me as I can’t even comprehend it

8 years here and I’ll be honest. It is a little formulaic now! But we mix it up with the specifics of where things go and how, plus he’s an excellent story teller, so although we don’t actually want to DO a lot of the filthy stuff he talks about in real life, it certainly gets me in the mood to think about it! For us though it starts downstairs with foot rubs and back tickles, lots of cuddling and kissing throughout the day etc to make sure we both feel the affection before we even get to bed.

Anyone who’s man is getting stroppy or huffy when he doesn’t get sex - THATS NOT OK! There’s a word for pushing someone into sex they don’t want by withholding affection and making them feel uncomfortable. It’s called coercion and it’s now a criminal offence. Tell these sex pests to shape up or fuck off.

Maybe once a month. We don’t do it when the kids are home and with them ranging from 20’s to a teen there are always people coming and going so empty house rarely happens.

It’s pretty long-standing though as two of our kids are SN which took up a lot of time and energy when they were younger, together with demanding jobs, shifts that may not coincide for weeks = limited time, energy and inclination.

Together 21 years, and we have sex three times a week. It used to be daily, and still is if we go on vacation somewhere without our children, but we are too tired for that these days.

Normally about twice a week. Since lockdown? Once in eight weeks

Yes, wanted to add that we've been together for 24 years.

No. We’ve been together almost 15 years and have never done it every day. Once or twice a week.

Yes. Final answer lol

I think the people who are feeling bored and want it to be better, think of it like this, don't you add different spices to your food, change meals etc and not eat the same 7 meals for years? I don't think a passive approach is good. I think unless you take action to keep things good and fresh it will automatically become a crap part of your relationship after 10 years or so (no ones fault)

When we first got together about 5 times a day 🤭 after 10 years and a baby about once a week...