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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you're married or in a relationship, do you have sex every day?

312 replies

ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:25

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DP wants sex daily and would love it to be multiple times a day, whereas I'm happy with twice a week or every other day at most.

If a day or two has gone by and we haven't done it I can tell he's becoming frustrated which makes me feel inadequate for not wanting it more.

The obvious answer would be that he "helps himself" on those occasions which I'm sure that he does but that doesn't mean he won't still want sex.

What is your normal?

OP posts:
Merename · 07/07/2020 19:38

Omg nothing worse than sex pestery. Although maybe he’s not doing that and you’re just feeling his disappointment and accommodating. We have small DC and it’s once or twice a month for us. I’m sure it’ll go up when we’re not so wrecked. DH would like more but he knows he has no right to my body and how unsexy pressure is for me.

What would be your ideal if it weren’t about his wishes?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/07/2020 19:38

Every bloody day?
God no.

We have young kids. Twice a week is a good week. I try hard to make sure it's once a week at least.

I just dont know how anyone has the time/energy for more.

MadCatLady71 · 07/07/2020 19:38

Together 21 years, no kids, not married, me 48, him 58. Three times a week is our normal - if we go a week without, one or another of us will normally. I think we’re lucky to be fairly well matched.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/07/2020 19:39

In our 40s. Been together 8 years but don’t live together. See each other half the time as he has his DCs 50/50 at his house.

We usually do it every time he’s here, so 3/4 times a week, unless one of us is ill or very tired etc. If we don’t do it he’s generally disappointed, but more so in himself for being too tired to do a decent job! If I offer him a quickie he usually says no, as he wants it to be great for me every time.

When we spend a whole week together on holiday it’s more like 5 or 6 times a week, or sometimes twice a day (not always full on sex but something )

With XH it was maybe once every few weeks or so, but then our DCs were younger then. Now they’re teens I have a lot more free time and energy. I do worry that we won’t be able to stay on the same page through menopause but he’s insistent that it won’t make a difference to us, we’ll just roll with it.

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:40

He doesn't pressurise me and he isn't nasty or cruel when I say no, but he definitely gets disappointed.

When i mentioned feeling inadequate that isn't because of anything he has said to me, it's purely a result of the fact we're not having it half as much as he'd want to.

It didn't happen last night as I was exhausted and he didn't push for it or sulk but he's making it clear he's in the mood again tonight.

OP posts:
Greydrapex · 07/07/2020 19:41

After 25 years together no! Maybe once a week or twice sometimes. Even in the early days it was never every day.

CheshireDing · 07/07/2020 19:42

Married 12 years, 3 small children, prob every other day.

I would easily be up for every day though 🤷‍♀️😀

Whilst I was breast feeding it was definitely not as often I wanted it though.

As pp said everyone is different and he needs to learn that hassling for it won’t make you want it.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/07/2020 19:43

It was exciting to be having so much sex during the first couple of years during the 'honeymoon period' but things died down for me when kids came along but remained the same for him.

Does he pull his weight with all that? When you say things changed, do you just mean sex wise, or has his life remained much the same too? Is he attentive and affectionate outside of the bedroom or does he want you to just flick the sexy switch when you get to bed?

I know you’re not asking for solutions, but if it helps for him to understand that doing more outside of the bedroom might help him get more inside the bedroom, it wouldn’t hurt!

IdblowJonSnow · 07/07/2020 19:43

Hardly ever these days. I've just gone off it so much. It's a hormonal thing and DH isnt that bothered luckily.
It doesn't matter what others get up to. Its what you can compromise on and if he's respectful of you...

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:44

Thanks for the replies, a varied response but it's reassuring to see that alot of you are on the same page as me.

I was developing something of a complex as though it's me who is the problem!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/07/2020 19:44

There’s no normal, there’s what you’re mutually happy with. If you don’t have matching libidos, that’s something you need to communicate about between you. I do think, though, that sex is important to prioritise over, for example, watching mindless TV, playing on phones or the other kinds of things which some people with “no time” for more sex do a lot of. But, nobody ever died from being disappointed. He might be disappointed you don’t have as much sex as he’d like. You, for example, might also be disappointed about some of his behaviour. You either talk about it or accept sometimes we’re all just disappointed about something.

We’ve been together just over three years. Sex every day, often multiple times. Rarely evening, generally mornings (and also lunchtimes during lockdown as both WFH.) We both want that much sex.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/07/2020 19:47

After 21 years married we still have a very "healthy interest", but not every day of the year.

Lockdown has been, shall we say, energetic in the mornings. Smile

Regularsizedrudy · 07/07/2020 19:47

Why does it matter what other people do? What matters is what YOU want. Some people have sex daily others hardly ever, that makes absolutely no difference to your situation. If he is making you feel bad for not wanting sex every day then he is a nasty piece of work end of.

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:48

Does he pull his weight with all that? When you say things changed, do you just mean sex wise, or has his life remained much the same too? Is he attentive and affectionate outside of the bedroom or does he want you to just flick the sexy switch when you get to bed?

He pulls his weight with the kids when he's home yes, but for the most part his life has remained the same. He still works the same hours as he did pre children and still has his hobbies whereas things have changed alot for me. I do feel touched out a fair bit as a result of having young kids hanging off my hip most of the day.

He is affectionate in other ways but he does seem to expect me to be in the mood at the drop of a hat. I don't think he understands that running off for a quicky after doing housework or changing nappies is the best aphrodisiac.

OP posts:
yelyah22 · 07/07/2020 19:48

We've been together 6 years, I'm late 20s and he's early 30s. He has a lower sex drive than me - I would be happiest with 2-3 times a week (although I wouldn't say no to every day if it was an option) whereas at the moment it's 2-3 times a month.

His lack of drive is related to mental health issues (until the events of the last year or so, it was 4-5 times a week) and I completely get it and make crystal clear that it's quality not quantity and that as long as we are still close physically in other ways and generally quite lovey, I'm happy. I'd never be visibly disappointed in him if he made it clear he didn't want to have sex, that's not on him. If I was disappointed I've got two options - have a wank if it's the physical release, or ask him if he can spend some time snuggled up or have a bath together or something if it's emotional intimacy I want.

If he suddenly had no sex drive and there was no explanation of why and no discussion, I'd be having a discussion - not in an accusatory way, but more of a 'this is important to me, and I don't want to have sex with someone who is less than enthused, so we should talk about if there's anything I can do to help, whether you want to explore why this is happening, and ensure we're both still getting our emotional needs met'. Maybe this is a good idea for you two? Reiterate that your sex drive isn't as high as his, explore whether he uses sex for emotional intimacy and if so, how you can get that outside of sex, explain that feeling like it's your responsibility to put out or he's disappointed is not nice or good for your relationship...

ForestYeti · 07/07/2020 19:48

I did every day with my ex or he’d make life really unpleasant

PositivelyPrecious · 07/07/2020 19:50

We are in our early 30’s with no children. We have sex once or twice a week and not consistent. If we’re both very busy two weeks could go by with nothing, if we were on holiday it’d be every day. I’ve never been pestered by my DH and I would hate that. Once a day in a normal time with work and other things on is too much to me. Multiple times a day all week is outrageous.

dementedma · 07/07/2020 19:51

Every day! Dear God, I just couldnt live with that. Doesnt it get boring to do it that often?

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:53

His lack of drive is related to mental health issues

I suspect this may be a contributing factor with me too as I do have MH issues. I have down days where sex is the last thing on my mind whereas DP is permanently turned on.

Don't get me wrong he shows love in other ways such as gifts, running me baths with candles etc.

But i do think there is a definite mismatch wrt our sex drives.

OP posts:
ResumetonormalASAP · 07/07/2020 19:53

People have different sex drives - some high and some low and some none existent, so no idea why people make rude comments if some people want it more to them....

If if suits a couple then it's fine, it;s when one has a high sex drive and one cannot be bothered that it can lead to friction/unbalance

Hedgehog44 · 07/07/2020 19:54

Both late 40s abc probably once a week. I would like more but he is old and knackered Grin

Goosefoot · 07/07/2020 19:55

No. Over the 17 years I've been married it's varied quite a lot, depending on all kinds of things. There have been times when kids were small that every 8 weeks was pushing it, or times when it was close to daily for a while. Usually life gets in the way of that soon enough though, who has the tie?

Once a day is high though, most people don't do or expect that.

Some people, some men in particular, especially if they are younger, really see sex as expression affection, and interpret non-interest as emotional indifference. It might be worth talking about that or finding other ways to connect emotionally or even with non-sexual physical affection, if that's the case with your husband.

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:55

Doesnt it get boring to do it that often?

Yes it does unfortunately.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 07/07/2020 19:56

We only had sex every day when we first got together and then again for a while when trying to conceive ds!

We’ve been together 12 years now and go through stages where we don’t have sex for weeks and weeks, and other times it’s more often. About once a month is average for us now. We are 30s but both have health issues and have a disabled child. We are shattered!

IDKNABYBIF22 · 07/07/2020 19:59

I don't think we've had sex since lockdown, I've been quite depressed and not in the mood at all. We've talked about it and he understands.