To ask if you're married or in a relationship, do you have sex every day?

[ViVi6]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DP wants sex daily and would love it to be multiple times a day, whereas I'm happy with twice a week or every other day at most.

If a day or two has gone by and we haven't done it I can tell he's becoming frustrated which makes me feel inadequate for not wanting it more.

The obvious answer would be that he "helps himself" on those occasions which I'm sure that he does but that doesn't mean he won't still want sex.

What is your normal?

@ViVi6

I'm not feeling it tonight either which is quite obvious to him as I have a headache (a genuine one, not fabricated because I can't be arsed with sex - I get them semi regularly as they're a side effect of a medication I take)

He's gone off to bed now without a kiss that I get on the nights we have sex. It's not a coincidence is it, the grumpy get.

So hes withholding affection because you have a headache and don't want sex (perfectly reasonable)

Tell me again how it's NOT him making your feel inadequate and boring, or that he isn't nasty and cruel when you say no..

Lesbians here. Both in our 30's. No kids. I have chronic pain. We do it once or twice a week when i'm not in pain and can go as long as 2 weeks without sex if i'm in pain a lot. More than 3 times a week would be a lot for me and not fun anymore.

Once a week maybe twice.

You are not alone, it is actually quite common.

I’ve had the same issues with my husband. He wants it more, but it isn’t at the top of my list. He reminisces about when we did it often but I often have to point out it is not just us anymore and we have young children (5 asd, 2.5 yo).

I don’t think many men realise how much women’s lives change after having children compared to theirs. They don’t take in the physical, emotional, mental, or even biological changes that come into it because they themselves don’t experience it.

Mine also goes into a mood and it puts me off even more because I feel like I have three children to deal with vs just two. He doesn’t limit affection though and your partner shouldn’t either.

I’ve also offered the scheduling thing, but mine hated the idea of it which I understand but he also hasn’t come up with any ideas either. He enjoys quickies and I detest them even more since he wants them in the middle of the day when he has a break in his schedule and he sees the boys are occupied. No thought that I might like that bit of time to relax now that I’ve gotten them that way during this lockdown 🙄.

Lockdown has also been harder on me while for him it’s been easy. Plus with him around means more asking of quickies 😔. I really miss work, unfortunately my hopes of returning stem on my oldest going back to school in Sept. Good Luck OP!!!

Christ no..sex everyday would become a daily chore..

I couldn't tell you our pattern, it could be 3 days running then nothing for a month...basically when we fancy it

Together 40 years and now at list once a week, most days on holidays. For about 20 years it was every other day, then I started working away in the week and only home at the weekend. I think that's when it the less frequent, but not less fun. Anticipation is half the fun. Every day is too much for me, but each to her own.

OP, don't let him sulk to get what he wants. This is both of your lives, and you need to find a compromise that suits your both.

I don't understand why people think it's ok to try and belittle people for having a higer sex drive. If I'd said "people who don't do it every day are having sex wrong/boring etc" there would be uproar. Just because it isn't your "normal" does not mean it isn't normal and healthy for others. If you find sex a boring chore maybe explore why that is. Although judging by most of MN anything other than once a month wearing a dressing gown and slippers in the dark and in silence is practically prostitution

Thank you. I agree. I dont know why its considered ok to belittle people who have regular sex or make implications that theyre like monkeys or whatever (seen earlier in this thread). Talk about slut shaming. I thought we were past all of that judgmental bollocks? I dont make disparaging comments about people who have it less often. Its none of my business and everyone is DIFFERENT. Why do people stuggle with this concept so much? Its bizarre.

It carries from multiple times a day to a couple times a week depending on how busy we are. Obviously since having kids multiple times a day has become a few times in a row as opposed to whole day sex sessions.

PyongyangKipperbang I wasn't replying to the op. I just don't understand why its ok for posters to make unkind comments just because some people like it more frequently than them so I was retaliating.

Probs once a week on average... married/together 10 years

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter Totally agree. Clearly we're not past the judgement, especially the judgement of women. The monkey comment really upset me anyway as I have had monkey comments as a black woman so it's triggering for me. I do think judgement comes from insecurity mainly though.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Bloody hell, that is absolutely disgusting. I am so sorry you experienced that.
I agree with you that its insecurity. If you are generally satisfied and happy with your own sex life you wouldnt really feel the need to be vicious about others or compare them to animals to make yourself feel better. I didnt realise we were still living in Victorian times 🤔

As for the OP's dilemma, I think you really need to sit down and have a calm chat with him and find a compromise that both of you are comfortable with. I heard a good saying about sex on tv and thats, "when sex is good, its 20% of the relationship. When its bad, its 80%". I think thats so true- sexual issues/incompatibility can really foster problems so communication here is key.

Been together for 10 years, married for 7 years and have two children aged 6 and 3.

Since the arrival of the children my sex drive took a massive plummet - I had no interest at all. At one point we went over a year without sex and then when I tried to have sex more often it was still only once every 3 months or so.

A few months ago I started to wean off breastfeeding (after having been doing it for 6 years) and although I was hoping my sex drive would increase as a result, it hasn’t at all.

I am trying to make more effort though and we probably do it about once a fortnight now which I guess is a massive improvement on how things have previously been.

I wouldn’t say I’m particularly fussed about it though, I mainly do it because I want us to be like ‘normal couple’ and have a sex life.

Our normal is now “never”, unfortunately. My “perfect” would be twice weekly, with weekly being perfectly fine.

We were probably at 3 times per week at the start, and maybe once per week by the time we got married 15 years ago. That dropped to maybe monthly after starting to have kids, and maybe half a dozen times per year for the past 5 years or so.

We agreed to give it up completely earlier this year, as it just felt like she was forcing herself to go through with it to “meet my needs”. So no lockdown nookie for us! DW has various MH issues which give her a serious aversion to sex/passionate kissing etc.

My OH has a high sex drive and would probably be happy doing it every day. Mine isn't/wasn't that high. Before I met him, I wasn't that bothered with sex at all, although I'd get the urge every few weeks or so and it was an itch that had to be scratched.

We have reasonable compromise that works for both of us. Generally, one working day a week and once or twice if we are not working. Roughly four or five times a working week, occasionally more. On holiday; at least once a day. I think that old adage of the more you get, the more you want is true. We've been together 18 years.

Not married but been with my partner 9 years and have two dc.

We have never had sex every day. Not even at the beginning of our relationship. Thankfully we are both cool with that. It’s often only once a week, sometimes less.

Oh has a job with long hours. I’m a stay at home parent at the minute. Our kids have sen. We are tired! Every day just wouldn’t happen here 🤣

Its not just about quantity though or sex drives is it. It is about one partner prioritising their needs and wants over the other without any thought for them.

@phoenixrosehere so sorry that your DH cant get that when there is a break in your schedule you want to relax not have someone elses needs to focus on. Have you spoken to him about how its harder for you

As a Mum I spend so much of my time prioritising and making sure my children are ok - the minute that stops I dont want to have to try and fit someone elses needs in that isnt sexy or seductive

Together 8 years, married 2.5 and 1 18 month old.

Every other day, or sometimes it goes to 3 days if one of us is busy with something else. He would have it every day.

I cannot imagine jumping to mh issues because someone doesn’t want sex every day!
Call him on the goodnight kiss op. So last night I didn’t get a good night kiss- am I only worth that level of affection on days I have sex with you? Your affection feels very transactional sometimes you know.

As for this He still works the same hours as he did pre children and still has his hobbies whereas things have changed alot for me.
He doesn’t know how lucky he is. If my dh did the above he’d never get sex again.
Late 30s, 2 busy ft jobs, 2 kids not yet at school, once a week here and not that often sometimes eg last weekend I had a cold. So no action because I don’t feel like it! If dh wanted sex every day I’d probably have stabbed him with a rusty fork.

This sounds familiar. DP doesn't strop or huff and puff but it's quite obvious that his mood changes if he's in the mood and I'm not

There are few bigger turn offs when you are run ragged with work and small children than a partner getting the hump because you don't feel like a sex goddess. It just puts you off even wanting to try.

He associates sex to being loved and wanted whereas I look at the bigger picture. I nurture many of his needs (as he does mine) and I don't need sex to feel validated

You have spent a lot of time on this thread explaining and understanding his PoV. How much time and effort is he putting in to seeing yours?

What you are describing is really common in your situation. Most men do work out that constantly hinting/pestering is a turn off whereas some actual understanding, load sharing and a few nights decent sleep can work miracles.

That is it isnt it this is about mismatched drives this is about mismatched hierarchy of needs - the problems come when one focuses on their needs at the expense and failure to look at the needs of the others.

It often comes hand in hand with the concept that their life hasnt changed whereas the others has

Selfishness is the biggest issue here (and I think for the others who have expressed similar problems)

Pretty much daily and a few times per day at the weekend. Together 5 years, a 2 year old and 16 year old at home. We grab moments when we can.

We usually have it about 3 times per week and both happy with that. We’ll just do it when we both feel like it though so one week it could be pretty much every day and the following week it might only be once if we’re both tired. I don’t think we have ever gone longer than about 7 days without having sex (usually the week I’m on my period)