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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish he'd stop telling me about their criticism

112 replies

Rosebel · 07/07/2020 00:24

My husband was back to work Monday which I'm already struggling with (mainly with the lack of sleep) but also because his work mates piss me off.
In the past they took the piss out of me being a SAHM, then when I got a job they took the piss out of my job.
We have a nearly 3 week old and today they asked him if I was breastfeeding /expressing and why not. I found this quite upsetting as I was breastfeeding but was advised to switch to formula.
It really annoys me that they ask or say things and my husband answers rather than telling them to mind their own business.
I can't control what happens at his work but I have told him before that I don't want to know if I'm being talked about /critized by his colleagues. He asks why I care and I don't know why but I think most people don't want to be critized.
Surely it's not unreasonable to ask him not to tell me if I'm being slagged off? I don't know if they do it all the partners or it's just me. No idea why they have an issue with me, haven't even met most of them!

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 07/07/2020 00:27

Ugh. Honestly how is it any if their business?

He needs to stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/07/2020 00:29

I suspect they do it to everyone and it's part of their banter. Which isn't OK but also isn't personalwhats weirder is you have a 3 wk old baby and he's retelling you entire conversations about you when you've told him not to. Does he have form for upsetting you, making digs etc? You def have a DH problem

Tell him you don't want to hear and get up and leave. If he keeps persisting I'd he asking how he feels about EOW and one school night in the week

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 07/07/2020 01:19

Really? Blokey workmates go e a shiny shite how a colleague's wife feeds the baby? Not a chance.
He's winding you up. He cares for some reason (or is just a twat) but daren't tell you outright, so he's pretending random "mates" have said stuff.

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2020 01:24

I don't think his work mates have said this at all, why would they care seriously.

Lou898 · 07/07/2020 01:38

I can’t quite believe that work colleagues would be saying some of these things. Do you think he’s voicing his own opinions in the guise of saying it’s work colleagues or trying to undermine you in some way.
It’s strange he continues to tell you these so called comments knowing they will hurt you and like you say if they are saying these things he does nothing to defend you.

SeaToSki · 07/07/2020 01:57

Dont ask him what they are saying about you. If he volunteers the information, tell him you dont want to know, to be quiet and/or leave the room.

If he doesn't get the message you have a DH problem

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/07/2020 02:03

Are they creepy weirdos?

Asking about some of these things and having opinions on someone I presume they barely know about how they are feeding their baby or whether they work or not is to me quite uncomfortable

Is your dh being bullied by these people as it definitely doesn’t sit right in what should be discussed in a work setting.

LonginesPrime · 07/07/2020 02:11

It doesn't really matter if the work colleagues said it or not, OP - either way, he's a shit for saying these upsetting things to you and it's completely within his control - no-one else's.

It's hard to tell from your posts whether he has some sort of vulnerability/SN or whether he's just an abusive dickhead.

I assume he has some redeeming qualities?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2020 02:21

Your husband is a total arsehole on so many levels. I think he's using these people as a way to criticise you himself, without him actually saying it. Why would his coworkers say these things? Your husband is full of shit.

PAND0RA · 07/07/2020 02:27

He’s making it up to mess with your head. There’s not a chance in the world that the men at his work asked him if you are expressing.

I promise you that there’s not a single man in the Uk who cares how his colleagues wife, who has never even met, feeds her baby.

Your husband is lying to you about all of this. He’s negging you, to make you feel humiliated and disrespected. He gets criticise you but also manipulate you into thinking it’s not him, it’s them.

How long has this been going on ?

frazzledasarock · 07/07/2020 02:37

My DP’s mates/colleague/acquaintance would never dare to criticise me to him as he wouldn’t hear it, he’d have my back and it wouldn’t be worth anyone effort to fall out with him.

Think about it, do people criticise your H to your face?

Even people who think your partners a monumental thundercunt, avoid telling the partner so because it usually is not well received.

There’s no way male work colleagues give a toss how you’re feeding your baby, I doubt it’s something they’d even care about so much as to ask after. In fact I’ve never in my life asked any work colleague how they fed their baby. Usually it’s how are they sleeping, ooohhhh he/she is growing so fast, wow standing up amazing blah blah. Nobody goes into details about breastfeeding.

Your husband is vile.

DPotter · 07/07/2020 02:58

If what you're 'D'H is saying is true, he's the first man I've ever known about to take the slightest bit of interest on colleagues' babies.

It's as much as I can do to find out from my DP when colleagues' or their wives have had their babies. He once came home proud as punch that he had remembered that so and so had had her baby. Didn't know the sex (see what I did there), name or anything else mind.

Your 'D'H is playing you

Antipodeancousin · 07/07/2020 03:30

I too think it’s highly unlikely that your husbands workmates are really asking about how you are feeding your baby. Far more likely that your husband is making up these conversations to chip away at your self esteem.
My OH would never relay anything critical that was said about me behind my back because he knows that would be hurtful.

LunaNorth · 07/07/2020 03:38

You’re being emotionally abused by your vile excuse for an arsehole of a husband.

Sorry, OP.

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/07/2020 04:24

God I hope he's not making it up. I know he wasn't happy when I was a SAHM but I don't think he'd ever have a go at me for working or not breastfeeding as he knew how upset I was.
Couple of answers to questions. I have often suspected he has autism as a lot of his traits are the same as my daughter who has ASD. However he won't acknowledge that and refuses to see a doctor.
I don't think he's being bullied by them as never seen any signs.
My husband says it's just banter and they don't mean anything. The job thing was okay but this feels very personal. Now I'm doubting myself and wondering if it is anything to do with his colleagues. Perhaps he's actually angry with me.

OP posts:
Isthisfinallyit · 07/07/2020 04:40

There's no way men care that mich if a colleagues baby is being breastfed. I think it's a type of negging that he is doing.

bonjonbovi · 07/07/2020 05:12

Who brings up what “the workmates” say about you, to you? Is it DP?

If so, it could be a very cowardly way of your DH expressing his opinion without raising it himself.

Worzle23 · 07/07/2020 05:13

He won’t be making it up. He’s just insensitive to your feelings. In some ways it’s positive he’s talking about baby with other men that’s modern life. But you don’t need know

Snottymonkey · 07/07/2020 05:14

I too doubt these men give a shit about your job, you being a sahm or how you are feeding your baby. It sounds like he's found a way of making you aware of his own opinions without causing a row or he's keeping you in your place by making you feel like shit constantly, negging you basically.
Can you play him at his own game?
'So you know I've been upset about what your friends at work have said, i called (mum/sis/mates) today to talk about it and they were veru surprised at these men having all these opinions about me let alone expressing them. Theyve never known male colleagues give a shite about such things. Tgey were REALLY surprised and shocked that you felt the need to come home and tell me when I'd asked you not too. They said it was borderline abusive actually, a way of negging me constantly. They were really sorry I was being put through that having just given birth and everything else. Anyway, they've said I can turn to them for support anytome if I need it. It really helped talking about it with someone else. Hopefully you wont be coming home again and telling me about all these opinions of theirs now that you know how it upsets me'.

HelloDulling · 07/07/2020 05:52

Are these colleagues men or women?

tara66 · 07/07/2020 06:06

What sort of men are they? Are they studying paediatric medicine to be doctor or other health professional in their spare time which they seem to have at ''work''? Ask if they would like you to be their ''case study''. Is your dh a fantasist?

chatterbugmegastar · 07/07/2020 06:12

A group of men (are they men?) have conversations with your husband about SAHMs and breastfeeding whilst AT WORK?

I have never heard anything so ridiculous nor unlikely

That does not happen .,,,

....now ...,if these workmates are women, then yes, I can see that happening

Your husband should either:

  1. Stop making these stories up and stop telling you his made up stories
  2. Stop telling you what the women say
  3. Stop being a dick
SteelyPanther · 07/07/2020 06:29

I agree, I’m not sure that his work mates would be that interested in you.
You should do what you want to do, no one else’s opinion matters.

Timekeeper1 · 07/07/2020 06:31

This has red flags all over it. Not just red flags, but flashing neon blinding red light.

Men NEVER talk about 'women's issues'. They don't even think about the issue of breastfeeding. It's simply not on their radar. They are blokes, not girls/women. No group of blokes sit around attacking a woman for breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. They don't even THINK about things like that.

Your husband is gaslighting you. He is making it all up. The blokes are not sitting around talking about his wife breastfeeding or working or not working. Just as they don't sit around talking about makeup. He is bitter with you for some reason and finding fault, but doesn't have the balls to tell you himself. So he is inventing these 'work mates' as a pathway to tell you and passive aggressively hoping what 'they say' upsets you.

labyrinthloafer · 07/07/2020 06:34

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband is a total arsehole on so many levels. I think he's using these people as a way to criticise you himself, without him actually saying it. Why would his coworkers say these things? Your husband is full of shit.
I was basically going to put this general idea, but more softly expressed!