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Original poster

To wish he'd stop telling me about their criticism

112 replies

Rosebel · 07/07/2020 00:24

My husband was back to work Monday which I'm already struggling with (mainly with the lack of sleep) but also because his work mates piss me off.
In the past they took the piss out of me being a SAHM, then when I got a job they took the piss out of my job.
We have a nearly 3 week old and today they asked him if I was breastfeeding /expressing and why not. I found this quite upsetting as I was breastfeeding but was advised to switch to formula.
It really annoys me that they ask or say things and my husband answers rather than telling them to mind their own business.
I can't control what happens at his work but I have told him before that I don't want to know if I'm being talked about /critized by his colleagues. He asks why I care and I don't know why but I think most people don't want to be critized.
Surely it's not unreasonable to ask him not to tell me if I'm being slagged off? I don't know if they do it all the partners or it's just me. No idea why they have an issue with me, haven't even met most of them!

OP posts:
AnnaBanana333 · 07/07/2020 06:34

I've worked in some very blokey work environments, sadly, and like others have said this doesn't ring true at all.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2020 06:35

I highly doubt these guys have said anything.

What we do know, though, is that your husband did tell you these things.

He is the problem and I wouldnt be surprised if he is one of those guys who share nasty half true or untrue stories about their friends and colleagues in preparation for discard. This stage is about making you think everyone "hates" you, so you're afraid to confide in anyone else.

AgentJohnson · 07/07/2020 06:40

I remember when my ex insisted what other people thought of me, you feel the disappointment when I didn’t give a shit. I suspect that he was either was making shit up or that he had fed them a version of the truth that made him appear to be a victim.

Karwomannghia · 07/07/2020 06:46

That must make you feel awful, to imagine a group of people judging your choices like that. I too don’t believe it comes from people at work or if it does, it’s been heavily influenced by your dh soliciting comments/agreement with his views. Does he seem upset by the ‘comments’? How does he present them?
Can you ask him more about who is supposed to be saying these things?

FartingNora · 07/07/2020 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493413286 · 07/07/2020 06:54

None of this makes sense - if they are genuinely like that why would he tell them anything about you, why does he not defend you and why would he tell you. I’ve never worked anywhere where we discuss other people’s partners or criticise them.
Also do men (if they’re men) talk about breastfeeding and formula? I’m not sure it even occurs to them.
As others have said it feels like something else is going on.

slipperywhensparticus · 07/07/2020 06:54

The conversation should go like this

We were talking about you at work today! The response? "And of course you said shut the fuck up/mind your own business/do you have any idea how inappropriate discussions revolving around my wifes breasts are"

It does come across like gaslighting though

Rainycloudyday · 07/07/2020 06:59

@PAND0RA

He’s making it up to mess with your head. There’s not a chance in the world that the men at his work asked him if you are expressing.

I promise you that there’s not a single man in the Uk who cares how his colleagues wife, who has never even met, feeds her baby.

Your husband is lying to you about all of this. He’s negging you, to make you feel humiliated and disrespected. He gets criticise you but also manipulate you into thinking it’s not him, it’s them.

How long has this been going on ?

This, with bells on. I find it extremely difficult to believe these workmates are saying anything of the sort, especially if they’re men. Not wanting to be sexist but a man is highly unlikely to criticise someone else’s wife openly because they would fully expect to be told to shut their mouths, or worse. Because any decent man would stand up for their wife if someone started slagging her off. The only situation that I think man would feel comfortable doing that is if the husband was already complaining about the wife and the second man is more agreeing than anything else.
LovingLola · 07/07/2020 07:00

Perhaps he's actually angry with me.

Please be careful. If he gets violent again then leave again- for good.

Bluemoooon · 07/07/2020 07:00

It's more like he is saying to them - DW is not going to do x or y and their disinterested, bored response is yeah/aye/yup/yes (depending on where they're from) and really they aren't interested.
I kept going with the not successful breastfeeding as well as formula for a while - It felt better than making a full switch.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 07/07/2020 07:01

We're assuming they're men asking him the questions. Even if they are women I can't imagine a scenario where a group of women ask a man how his wife is feeding their 3 week old and then express such judgement! Sympathy at how bloody hard it is, some advice maybe, but not what he is saying.

He is full of bullshit and is using these workmates as an excuse to tell you how HE is feeling!

SpillTheTeaa · 07/07/2020 07:04

It's not banter. Banter is having a laugh with someone not at someone.
Why on earth they think it's any of their business and your husband needs to also stop running his mouth. Why are you always their subject of discussion. Are their lives that dull.

Bluntness100 · 07/07/2020 07:08

I also think this isn’t the way he’s presenting it.

Either he’s making it up totally so he can give his opinion and just blame them, or he’s the one raising it with them and slagging you off, and then telling you like they are doing it.

Either way there is very low to no chance his male colleagues give a fuck.

What he’s telling you is his opinion, the colleagues are so he doesn’t need to take responsibility for it.

Velvian · 07/07/2020 07:13

I agree that it is your husband's nasty little game to have a dig at you.

Fanthorpe · 07/07/2020 07:13

Ask him if he defended your choices, ask him why he chooses to tell you these things when it’s clear it upsets you. Ask him why he considers his workmates opinions more important than your feelings. Ask him if he agrees with them why he hasn’t discussed it with you.

I would really dislike the idea of my DH discussing details of our private life with people I don’t know like this. I think I might start to feel a bit unsupported or even slightly paranoid.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/07/2020 07:20

I've known men to do some shitty things, but giving a toss whether a mate's wife is a SAHM or breastfeeding are not among them. I agree with PPs that his version of events sounds very off and he's probably using his colleagues to mask his own opinions.

There isn't much info here but you say he didn't want you to be a SAHM? That is generally supposed to be a joint decision; they aren't roles either partner should be obliged to fulfil just because the other one wants it. What were the reasons? Though if you're working now and still getting shit, that implies another issue.

But even if you were "wrong" at that point, and even on the off chance he's being totally honest about the colleagues, it's a terrible way of communicating issues to you.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2020 07:22

I think I might start to feel a bit unsupported or even slightly paranoid.

That's a good point. Is he confiding in men or a woman?

Chickencalledberyl · 07/07/2020 07:24

Just banter = excuse for being fucking rude

Pluckedpencil · 07/07/2020 07:27

I could only imagine this being even remotely true if these people were women.

And I can only imagine he'd get responses like that if he spun the truth a certain way in the first place.

Either way he is being a dick.

YoBeaches · 07/07/2020 07:30

Hmmm, something doesn't sound quite right to me. In your position I would:

  1. Tell dh that he needs to stop disrespecting you and shut down these conversations when they occur.
  2. Tell him you suspect he is lying about the conversations full stop. Nobody talks about their colleagues partners like this.
  3. If he insists it is true, ask him for the HR Managers contact details so you can make a formal complaint.

He needs to very sharply understand that a) being spoken about in this way is not acceptable and b) if he is lying, treating you like that isn't acceptable either, it's abusive.

KatherineJaneway · 07/07/2020 07:31

It's him criticising you using the excuse of workplace banter. He just doesn't have the balls to tell you to your face.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/07/2020 07:32

I hope he isn't making it up too but it is far fetched enough to be made up.
It is no one's business how you feed your baby. Congratulations btw. Flowers

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/07/2020 07:33

I agree with others. Your problem is your husband - this is emotional abuse. He's saying this stuff to knock your self esteem and hurt you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/07/2020 07:34

I know dp's work mates quite well, and we have been on nights out together etc, so we all know each other quite well. I could never imagine them taking the piss out of things like that, or dp telling me if they did. They might ask because they all have kids so sometimes people are curious, or want to compare.
Sorry op but I think he's making it up, and if he's not then he's using banter and what's said as a joke to upset you. That's shitty of him.

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 07/07/2020 07:35

I actually know several people who do this, My Aunt is awful with my mother.... " said this about Bake". I have confronted people on a couple of occasions and got very confused responses - until i realised it's all about what my Aunt thinks....she just puts it one step removed as she doesn't want people to get angry with HER, so it's "John said...." "Jane said..."

My MIL also does it a bit, and I've now dropped a "friend" after I realised how toxic she was....

I am now very very cautious about "my mate said", " your said" If you don't hear it from the horses mouth assume its the person saying it.

100% this is your husband and what he thinks, he's just done a number on you as you are now angry with his "work mates".