To wish he'd stop telling me about their criticism

[Rosebel]

My husband was back to work Monday which I'm already struggling with (mainly with the lack of sleep) but also because his work mates piss me off.
In the past they took the piss out of me being a SAHM, then when I got a job they took the piss out of my job.
We have a nearly 3 week old and today they asked him if I was breastfeeding /expressing and why not. I found this quite upsetting as I was breastfeeding but was advised to switch to formula.
It really annoys me that they ask or say things and my husband answers rather than telling them to mind their own business.
I can't control what happens at his work but I have told him before that I don't want to know if I'm being talked about /critized by his colleagues. He asks why I care and I don't know why but I think most people don't want to be critized.
Surely it's not unreasonable to ask him not to tell me if I'm being slagged off? I don't know if they do it all the partners or it's just me. No idea why they have an issue with me, haven't even met most of them!

Well - maybe I'm wrong and these men ARE chatting about formula v BF

Seems odd but ....

Tell your husband that you don't want to know when people criticise your mothering because it upsets you - ask him to keep other peoples opinions to himself

Translation: I am tried and resentful of sharing the night waking and this should be your job.
It's a bloody awful time with a new baby. I will cut him some slack as even I felt pretty resentful about getting up every hour of the night to feed.
Suggest to him that the best way to protect himself from these invasive comments is to keep his personal life personal. If you look tired, a simple smile and "newborn"! Is enough. If they ask why wifey isn't doing everything, then he should be replying "we share the baby stuff as it's hard work". No one has a reply to that.

I wonder if they discuss cloth versus disposable nappies aswell? Might be worth asking him to bring it up with the lads next time they are chatting about breastfeeding:) Your doing a great job OP, your DH seems a little silly.

Threaten to confront his workmates. He'll admit it then

I disagree with others here - there are definitely men with strong views on breastfeeding (or anything else they’ve read is “the right way to do it” at no cost to their bodies).

If he is ASD it might be that he is worried by being “wrong” or you being “wrong” or not doing the right thing socially in some way and is telling you what they’ve said in order to get a perspective from someone he really trusts. Then when you say “don’t be silly it’s fine to use formula/work/not work” etc he feels reassured. He hasn’t necessarily thought of it as a criticism of you - more like if someone says “you shouldn’t give a baby X” and you might say that to the other parent.
That’s THE MOST generous perspective I can find.

Still, being blunt with him and asking him NEVER to tell you about critical things said at work and - if necessary - to run this stuff past someone else he trusts eg sister, mum, brother, ought to work?

I'm inclined to agree with Witch but adding that folks with ASD are more likely to just 'answer' a question being asked of them without stopping to think whether they have to answer or should answer. A tendency to take comments at face value and less inclined to reflect on the intention of the other person first before responding (theory of mind and all that). However, I do agree that if you've asked him to stop telling you, then he ought to respect your wishes and stop telling you!

This is very bizarre, I mean unless hes taken it of contrast and said you stopped BF and female colleague has said oh what happened etc, I mean again not her business and not something I would ask a colleague, however I have been at my job a very long time and have friends so its something we may discuss but not put someone down about.

Bit dodgy, asking a female colleague if she breast fed. I wouldn’t be happy about a male colleague asking me that.

" I suggested that he asked them today."

What was his response to that?

Yeah....sounds a lot like he wishes you were breastfeeding so he didn’t have to do any of the night feeds. And he’s using this tactic of passing on indirect ----invented criticism to make his point.

Strike through fail but you get my point.

I’d also be interested in his reaction if next time he does this, you absolutely flip out and make as if you’re about to confront them. If he panics, that would tell you a lot. But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to play silly games like that when you have a newborn baby. If this happened, he should never have mentioned it. So ultimately he is being shitty either way.

Use the broken record technique with him

Every time he says this say “why are you discussing my bodily functions with your work colleagues? Do you discuss your bathroom habits?”

I have had two DC I have worked in a male dominated industry for decades. I have had one or two conversations about feeding a baby over the years. It’s not something people talk about. I have never asked a male colleague how his partner was feeding the baby nor did anyone ask me what I did.

If your DH has ASD is there a chance he is over sharing in response to an anodyne question? i.e. giving very detailed answers to a question where most people would have said something bland.

At an absolute stretch, if the colleague has just had a baby herself and is interested in feeding/baby stage things it might be feasible that she would ask how you are feeding the baby/ how you’re getting on

Surely if this colleague has just had a baby then she will be on maternity leave and not at work asking questions.

@Rosebel

I asked him this morning about the comments regarding breastfeeding and he said he mentioned being tired as he'd looked after our baby Friday and Saturday night. One of his colleagues asked if I was expressing then. He said no and then they were critical of the formula feeding and wanted to know why I was using formula, why hadn't I persisted with the "right" way to feed. I said why didn't you tell them to get lost and he said it's easier to ignore them. I didn't actually accuse him of lying and he sounded sure of himself when I asked. Now I just feel confused. Most of his colleagues are men, only 2 women in the team but they all have young children. I asked him if their children were all bf and he said he didn't know. I suggested that he asked them today.

He’s making it up.

Of course he’s tired with a new baby , all new parents are. There’s no way any colleague would say anything except “ oh I remember these days well / our youngest was a right bugger for not sleeping / welcome to being a dad / glad it’s not me / don’t worry it gets better soon “ or something like that.

Men do NOT tell other men how their wives should be feeding their babies.

Even women are very unlikely to say anything more than “ tell her to try X, that’s really helped me settle my DD”.

They wouldn’t say “ why is she doing Y and not doing it the right way ? “. No one says that to a colleague about their wife!

Your husband is gaslighting you. And no I don’t think you should accuse him of lying. I think you should

1. Telll him to never mention anything about his colleague opinions to you again. Ever.

1. Watch your husband very carful for other manipulative behaviour.

1. Think more about what other things your husbands “ colleagues“ have been criticising you for over the years. Consider posting about that here to get advice .

Are there other people in your husbands life who you have never met who also criticise you ? What about his family ?

Have you told any of your friends and family about his colleagues and what do they say ?

He might have got some sympathetic "ah mate" responses for being tired. He might, at a stretch, have got a friend telling him you should BF so he can rest more because He Is At Work and therefore parenting is optional or whatever. If so, that person is far more likely to be motivated by displaying sympathy and possibly being a bit of a sexist knob, because sadly there are a fair few of those around. There's no way a group of men at work have self-started and self-perpetuated discussions about your feeding choices, with any real emotional investment. At best your husband is engineering these discussions and then tailoring his account of them to you, at worst he's just making it up.

Either way, it isn't any of their business. If he does have some sort of issue he wants to raise with you, reasonable or not, he doesn't deserve to have it acknowledged or addressed until he's owned it himself. Ask him what HE thinks and what HE wants to say, not Dave in payroll.

Are you sure this is coming from his workmates?

I mean wtf would they care if you are a sahm, work, breastfeed etc?

I think he is using this to control and manipulate you, and is lying about his colleagues asking.

So reading your update he’s pissed he has to look after the child and knows if you were breastfeeding he possibly wouldn’t have to, so is having a dig.

This isn’t his colleagues. This is all him.

He cares for some reason (or is just a twat) but daren't tell you outright, so he's pretending random "mates" have said stuff.

This, I'm afraid.

he said it's easier to ignore them

Well if this is what he thinks, why does he bother telling you?

I had an abusive partner who used to make up things that people had supposedly said in criticism of me.

Congratulations on your baby, OP, and don't pay that man any heed, he's not worth it.

I agree with the majority. I worked in a totally male environment for 20 years and never once did I meet a bloke who cared about this sort of stuff.

You are being played OP.

Does matter what he says today, tomorrow or next week! He's making it up OP!

His colleagues did NOT make those remarks!!

He's making it up, he's obviously resentful at having to help with his child.

Maybe have to have a deeper look at your relationship, as I don't think that this will be the only part of your relationship that is off kilter. Does your family like him? Friends?

Where the fuck does he work ? This is is very strange . As PP said that’s not the shit that men get that bothered about

Sounds like they are bullying HIM to be honest

And he is making you feel shit and transferring to you

@Rosebel I had the same thing when my Dd was born.

Dh worked in an office with mainly women. They were vile.

I was a SAHM. He would come home with “well so and so said she went back to work full time when she had a baby, so why can’t you?” Or “so and so worked full time and was a single mum so she was laughing when I said you wanted me to help with night feeds, they think all you are lazy, they worked and had babies you don’t”.

My favourite was “x said that you don’t breastfeed because you want me to do a nightfeed because you are lazy. Well I’m not taking your abuse anymore, I’m tired from work”. Yes, one woman convinced him he was being emotionally abused because I expected him to co parent his own baby at weekends. She even gave Dh the number of a counsellor I could use through their work for “help” for my problems. Fucking bitch.

It was awful. Those women almost ruined my marriage, tearing me down because they went back to work and I didn’t. I understand what it’s like.

Although I am aware that you said his colleagues are male and my dhs were bitchy women.