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Original poster

To wish he'd stop telling me about their criticism

112 replies

Rosebel · 07/07/2020 00:24

My husband was back to work Monday which I'm already struggling with (mainly with the lack of sleep) but also because his work mates piss me off.
In the past they took the piss out of me being a SAHM, then when I got a job they took the piss out of my job.
We have a nearly 3 week old and today they asked him if I was breastfeeding /expressing and why not. I found this quite upsetting as I was breastfeeding but was advised to switch to formula.
It really annoys me that they ask or say things and my husband answers rather than telling them to mind their own business.
I can't control what happens at his work but I have told him before that I don't want to know if I'm being talked about /critized by his colleagues. He asks why I care and I don't know why but I think most people don't want to be critized.
Surely it's not unreasonable to ask him not to tell me if I'm being slagged off? I don't know if they do it all the partners or it's just me. No idea why they have an issue with me, haven't even met most of them!

OP posts:
whattimeisitrightnow · 07/07/2020 07:36

I would ask him exactly what has been said, word-for-word, by which colleague, and what the context was along with who brought it up. Make him squirm. Maybe he’ll get flustered and it’ll become obvious that he’s making it up to criticise you.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/07/2020 07:37

And I agree that no one talks about their colleagues' partners like this. I've worked in a lot of places, and never heard anything like that - he's making it up in order to hurt you. It could even be that it's him making these comments about you at work, and then reporting it to you as being said by others. What a shit.

I hope you leave this man, and get to enjoy your lovely new baby without him around to wreck your confidence.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 07/07/2020 07:38

Yeh, sorry. No way his work colleagues are saying this. Why is your oh making this up? Is he generally a bit controlling? Maybe trying to break your confidence a bit?

WizardOfAus · 07/07/2020 07:39

I know he wasn't happy when I was a SAHM

So rather than discuss his feelings like an adult, he invents “colleagues” who criticise your status as SAHM to prove his point and further erode your self-confidence

Your husband is spineless.

Velvian · 07/07/2020 07:42

The "SAHM should be a joint decision" concept that is often pushed on MN is a gross oversimplification of a very complex situation that leaves women worse off.

Many "good" men don't want any input in the childcare provision that needs to arranged for their child. They often don't do any night waking, "as they're working" while the mum is on ML. They haven't spent 24/7 caring for a baby that they then have to leave.

They often have no plans to adjust their working lives to either look after their child for some of the time or to drop off and pick up from childcare, do the food shopping and housework, take sick days off work. Basically deal with the huge emotional and physical upheaval that putting your baby in childcare involves.

So when you say "being a SAHM should be a joint decision" what you're often effectively saying is, "that lazy unsupportive arse that doesn't really do parenting or care about your wellbeing, is correct to criticise you"

Women are often manipulated into it being their only option. Then a group of women tell her, "your DH/DP is right, you're not good enough and he is the king"

bestbrowsintown · 07/07/2020 07:43

As others have said, there's no way your husbands colleagues care if you're a sahm, what job you do or if you breast or formula feed.
There is something strange going on.

Porridgeoat · 07/07/2020 07:45

Maybe the colleagues have general chit chat about stuff. However it’s weird your DH would relay and emphasise stuff that upsets when you’re at you’re most vulnerable with a new baby. Is this negging?

Headandheart · 07/07/2020 07:47

They wouldn’t be interested or have an opinion on breastfeeding, even if your husband was telling them. I don’t believe it either.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/07/2020 08:01

Is he a very sensitive person or slightly spiteful? It really depends on his personality, if he is overly sensitive they may have mentioned breastfeeding with the aul slogan breast is best jokingly.
OTOH if he is usually snipping spiteful you'll know he made it up.
It depends on his character generally and how he reacts to other situations.

Dinocan · 07/07/2020 08:02

I don’t believe it either. Sorry op. I think he wants to criticise these things about you and he’s made up a very odd scenario where his ‘work colleagues’ say them instead. At an absolute stretch, if the colleague has just had a baby herself and is interested in feeding/baby stage things it might be feasible that she would ask how you are feeding the baby/ how you’re getting on. If the colleagues are Male there is absolutely no way they would be commenting on breastfeeding. I also think it’s highly unlikely they would want to criticise other life choices such as your choice to be a sahm (hardly unusual).

SauvignonBlanketyBlank · 07/07/2020 08:05

Same all the other pp.His workmates are not saying these things.Dh works in a v blokey environment and they do not give a fuck about things like that or talk about them.Your dh is using it as a way to criticise you.

TartanTuesday · 07/07/2020 08:11

Omg as many PPs have posted there isn't a chance in hell that his workmates have said anu of these things!

Why the fuck would they care if you were a SAHM or not! And as for breast feeding and expressing!! Jesus H Christ!

Yeah can just see them all on a fag break discussing the benefits of breast over bottle!!

He is definitely manipulating you.

NataliaOsipova · 07/07/2020 08:12

Have to say that I agree. “Is your wife breastfeeding /expressing?” said no man to his mate in the pub. Ever. My DH is not particularly the blokey type; when he goes to the pub they talk about beer, football and possibly politics. In that order. If I ask him how his friend’s wife and children are, 99 times out of a 100 the answer will be that he doesn’t know because they talked about beer, football and politics. This man is playing a nasty game with you, unfortunately......

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 07/07/2020 08:13

@Isthisfinallyit

There's no way men care that mich if a colleagues baby is being breastfed. I think it's a type of negging that he is doing.
Exactly. Tell him once more firmly you don't want to know they each and every time he does -get up and leave the room. After he has done it 3 times say "I told you not to do it -you have now done it 3 times -and I'm not telling you -you it again and we are finished"

My ex did this -J thinks you are this or this. Rather than say I think -we ended but I wished I had seen the red flag as a huge red flag

GinDrinker00 · 07/07/2020 08:14

Bit odd that a bunch of grown men are talking about you breast feeding. Not exactly work mate chat is it. Confused
Sounds like he’s projecting his feelings through them... and being passive aggressive.
Sounds like you have a looser of a DH.
So what if you’re a SAHM? So what if you FF or BF? He should be supporting you. Not tearing you down.

RandomUser3049 · 07/07/2020 08:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ResumetonormalASAP · 07/07/2020 08:21

@PAND0RA is spot on - they aren't saying this - he is

He’s making it up to mess with your head. There’s not a chance in the world that the men at his work asked him if you are expressing.
I promise you that there’s not a single man in the Uk who cares how his colleagues wife, who has never even met, feeds her baby.

ResumetonormalASAP · 07/07/2020 08:22

How old are your other children?
You mentioned you they commented before when you were a SAHM.... then commented again when you returned to work part time......
Now your baby is only 3 weeks old so very recently given birth

KeepingPlain · 07/07/2020 08:23

Sorry but men just don't talk about these kinds of things at work. These are his views, not theirs. Unless you come back and say his colleagues are all women, then it's likely their opinions, but then they are bitches, why do you care? Ignore them.

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2020 08:24

There is no way they are talking about how you feed your baby.

If a colleague was critical of you in any way which in unlikely, his immediate job is to silence them. Not report back to you.

It's very unusual to slag of th partner of your colleague to their face. Really bad form.

The whole thing is unlikely.

butterpuffed · 07/07/2020 08:28

I have conflicting feelings here , I think either most posters are right and it's his own feelings coming through OR he's an easy target [you said he could possibly be autistic] and a victim of bullying by his work colleagues as I don't see why they'd be interested in what you do, OP.

Either way, it needs to be sorted.

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2020 08:29

By the way. Congratulations on your baby. Flowers It's a hard time. I'm sorry he's not supporting you.

By the time shes walking no one will even remember how you fed her.

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/07/2020 08:42

I asked him this morning about the comments regarding breastfeeding and he said he mentioned being tired as he'd looked after our baby Friday and Saturday night. One of his colleagues asked if I was expressing then. He said no and then they were critical of the formula feeding and wanted to know why I was using formula, why hadn't I persisted with the "right" way to feed. I said why didn't you tell them to get lost and he said it's easier to ignore them. I didn't actually accuse him of lying and he sounded sure of himself when I asked. Now I just feel confused.
Most of his colleagues are men, only 2 women in the team but they all have young children. I asked him if their children were all bf and he said he didn't know. I suggested that he asked them today.

OP posts:
BabyDancer · 07/07/2020 08:43

Wow. What a pathetic excuse for a man.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 07/07/2020 08:48

I had a horrible abusive ex who always used to tell me ‘X said this’ or ‘X thinks that’ when he was trying to make a point. For some reason that I could never understand, he seemed to be under the impression that I was bothered by what these people thought. It was odd as the inference was that a random person’s opinion on a subject somehow carried more weight than either of ours.

I have never heard of people from work discussing anyone’s partner in such a way. I agree with pp that he is likely using this as some kind of passive aggressive device.

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