DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

I’m not sure how she heard this ‘through casual conversations’. I think if I had heard that my parents had spent 20k more on my brother than on me, it would make me feel second best.

She is young and still won’t understand fully, so I do think you are partly to blame here for making it so obvious. You are obviously talking about money in front of her. It also does feel like she may be feeling second best because she didn’t go to Uni.

If I were you, I’d be frank and say that you do want to be fair to both. However it is on your terms. One day she may need money however for a deposit or whatever.

Agree with others that you should tell her that she lived for free at home and the cost you had to cover must add up to quite a lot. Education is priceless. She could have gone to uni, she chose not to.

No, I support my children to study. I would also her If ds had a bad accident and you needed to make adjustments to the house and pay for support people would she also expect me then to give her the equivalent money? Fair is not equal.

They are BOTH your children. I do not understand why you would favour your DS and give him loads of money to go on an academic bender but tell your daughter to get lost because she went into work.

Maybe a 20k car isn't the best use of money but you should put equal amount into something like a house deposit for her.

Firstly, she can forget that idea. Secondly how much does it cost to keep her at home, I'll bet if you add the three years there is between them to see how much she might cost you at his age there would be much less difference.

This thread makes zero sense. Who 'works on their finances' from 3 years ago + and then has a casual conversation with their daughter about how much they have spent on her brother versus how much they spent on her. And surely these days a young person would want the £20k towards a house deposit rather than a car that will depreciate in value very quickly. Bizarre.

£20K on a car would be insane anyway. If you were inclined to give her anything, I'd suggest that a substantial chunk be ringfenced as a house deposit.

However, you do need to factor into the calculation rental costs for a three year period plus board and lodging. I suspect that will bring the total right down.

This has raised a similar potential dilemma for me.

DS is at a local private school. We moved him there about a year ago for various SEN that were being totally overlooked in mainstream school and causing increasing school refusal. He is happy now and doing well.
DD on the other hand does not have SEN and is at our local secondary, doing equally well however I do feel guilty from time to time. We will have spent approx £35k on DS's fees by the time he leaves which may or may not become an issue for DD in later years.

They are BOTH your children. I do not understand why you would favour your DS and give him loads of money to go on an academic bender but tell your daughter to get lost because she went into work.

Ehh? One went to uni and one chose not to, but has continued to live at home, there was no favouritism. OP would have done the same for her dd. From the sounds of it her ds has not been laying back expecting hand-outs but has been working hard and paying some of his way. That 20k didn't go into his pocket. DD has not had to work because her parents are paying for everything including pocket money. Now dd expects her parents of "modest means" to trump up thousands of pounds probably going into debt just because she's disgruntled. tough shit

My degree was definitely not an academic bender but was bloody hard work. Weird way of putting it. Do you work for The Sun?

I hate the term 'snowflake' but it is pretty apt in this case

So my dad got a scholarship to his school but my uncle did not. So by dd's logic, dad should have added up all the fees he saved his parents and presented them with a bill when he left school

What not a cool dad said. X

I'd just laugh and say, "Good try!"

Just wait till the earnings disparity becomes obvious to her. It will go from tourism being her choice to her having to do it because you wouldn't spend the same on her as you did on her brother.

As I said, work out how much her brother accumulated on his own to go to uni and how that compares to the support you gave him. Then work out how much she accumulated to do her qualification and the value of food, board, utilities, pocket money for the duration of the course. I would suggest that you have more than matched what she contributed for her course (assuming she has had no part time jobs - I think you would have mentioned if she did)...

I don't think the son is being favoured. He has made different choices for his life and sounds like he has worked hard towards them himself. You supported both children to get the further education they desired.

But surely the £20,000 was partly spent on his food and accommodation

I think the fairest thing is to take off the £20,000 the 3 years costs of food and accommodation that your Ds spent and any other things your Ds spent in travel etc because he lived away or what extras your dd had because she lived at home and the balance being somewhere nearer what is fair.

But I would then say you will divide the amount over the next 3 years and let her knock an amount off her “keep” money.

No way do you owe her £20,000

I doubt there is that much in it

Tell her there are many times over her life that she will need parental help. And you are are choosing which cause to finance and it’s not the car.

lockdownlunacy - no, just no

If you feel guilty about spending money for SEN education for a child that needed it, then presumably I should feel guilty for spending money on a wheelchair for one child and not for the other. How far do you take it?

If my ds ever complained, I'd tell him I'll give him the money but only after he has taken his sister's disability away from her. If he can't do that, he doesn't get to complain.

Jesus wept, parents who have supported their children don't 'owe' them anything.

Your mistake @uniparents was discussing it in front of your dd. And her bad feelings are just her yanking your chain.

I have a friend who found ds1 birth (planned caesarian) "relatively" painless compared with dd2 normal birth. Maybe I should give her a ring and tell her to punch dd in the face to make it fair?

A £20k car? Fucking entitled brat.

One of my children went across the country to university. We funded her first year entirely (tuition, room and board, pocket money), and helped her through the other 3 years (paid for cell phone, food, entertainment). She came home in the summers to work and paid her own tuition.

Our second child won a huge scholarship, and studied in our city. We paid for his books, room and board, cellphone, entertainment, gas and insurance for his car. He also worked, and paid his tuition the second year, but we still paid for his books/room and board, cellphone, entertainment, etc. He moved out after his second year, and I still pay for his cellphone, car insurance, but his car remained with us, so that's now a nominal amount. We still buy the occasional bag of groceries for him, but as he's moved out and is independent, he funds most of his life himself.

Our third child lives at home, and we've paid two years of his degree. He worked for a bit, but has no job this year. We likely will fund his entire degree. We pay for his cellphone as well, his bus fees and books, and the little entertainment/incidentals he has.

None of our children would ask us to "equalize" what we spent on them over the years. It would just never occur to them, and even if it did, they know such a request would be shot down.

I think your DD is manipulating you. Did you take into account her expenses for living at home, food, insurance (if she drives), pocket money, and other incidentals you may fund such as any clothing, cell phone, hair cuts, etc.? I suspect if you added those up, your son likely didn't cost much more.

First of all I would stop discussing finances at all in front of her. It's never a good idea to do this.

Secondly I would tell her that you would have gladly paid for her to go to university if she had chosen to go.

Thirdly I would tell her that if she continues to be so cheeky and entitled that you will start charging her rent.

"I'll spend the same on you when you go to uni" should suffice.

"I'll spend the same on you when you go to uni" should suffice.
Why is that said to the daughter rather than saying to the son "I will spend the same on you when you get a job"?

The son isn't demanding money

Did you work out commercial rent for her room and board for last year? You supported both their choices. My ds1 went to uni and we paid for her course and gave her accomodation and food allowance as we did not want her working in a bar when she should be studying or leaving uni with huge debts. DS1 wanted to be HGV driver and his work paid for his course and test. DS 2 wanted HGV but we paid for his course and test. DD had about 5 times as much spent on her but sons could have gone to uni as good enough grades but chose not to. We have spent nothing on DS1. We told both sons they can have £5k each towards house deposit, when they want them. Both sons choosing to live at home. We had loft conversion made for them and I fear I have made them too comfortable.