DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

She is being ridiculous. It's not as if he has had the money for luxeries. Tell her to go to uni or get a job and buy her own car.

Although expressed badly, her sentiment is correct - you have treated your DS much more favourably.

Your son did not need funding - he could have invested in his own future by taking on a very low interest student loan. Your DD could also take on. a car loan. In reality you've decided to pay off your DS debt, but not your DD's.

Personally, I wouldn't buy a car - but I would be clear that you will give her a suitable investment sum when appropriate - e.g. for a house. However, I'd also consider a wedding the same way, so if she's ever expecting you to pay for a wedding, then don't spend it now unless you also intend to give the same as a present to your DS.

Unfortunately, despite the platitudes of fairness not being equal - it's simply not true - with money, you need to spend exactly the same - it's not right to try to balance children's longer term outcomes - that's for them to achieve.

She's a cheeky bugger! She chose not to go to university. She sounds bratty anyway

Well you did find her - unless you charged her rent? But if she now wanted to go and do an art course for 15k would you find it?
It does seem a bit unfair to me but not 20k unfair.

I don't think this is about the money, I think it's about your differing attitude to both your children.

If posters on here can pick up the different way you speak about each child and the traits you value in them in just a few posts, you can bet your daughter has too.

I don't think you should buy her a £20k car at all, but I don't agree that she should be made to live in a caravan, volunteer where you want or be flung out.

If you praise her for superficial things like her "above average" looks, is it really shocking that she places value in above average appearances too, hence the request for the £20k cat?

I'm sure you love her, it's coming across like you think differently of her and seem quick to point her faults when you've mentioned none of your son's. If you've made him sound perfect to us, how are you making him sound at home?

She is a cf.

If she had gone to uni then you would have helped her more as well, she could easily have got a job. I would be telling her to grow up.

Each child chose their education and career path and you supported each of their decisions. Do as previous poster said and tot up food, laundry, make up, clothes,photos,pocket money,meals out, house bills and you'll find you spent the same.or even more on her. Everything you do for her has a cost if she's being that childish.

Perceived unfairness is difficult to swallow between siblings. Even if it is for a very good reason! For example, my parents paid my sister’s rent through university, whereas they did not pay mine. This felt unfair as they were spending more money on her than me, but I was eligible for a grant and my sister wasn’t, so she needed more support than me. As a 30 year old now I can process that, but when I was younger I did feel a bit put out by it. (I can also give you several other examples that are considerably more unfair but I’ll stick to this one as it seems most relevant!)
Your daughter did not need the money. She does not need a £20000 car. I would personally say that you are willing to spend equivalent on furthering her education but not on something material that will devalue and be sold at a loss.

I have to agree with theseshoesaremadeforrunning. I don't agree that you should just give the money, but I do question how you speak about your daughter. She may not be academic but showing respect or support for her and not just her looks.

I have 3 sisters and we all received suppirt in different ways. It is not like for like. We were also taught about the value of money. It feels like some financial education is beeded

needed

A car? No way. That's just throwing money down the pan compared to what u spent on your son which will stay with him for the rest of his life as a valuable skill

I u can afford to find £20k then u tell her you will invest in her in the same way. Education or maybe a deposit for a house. Something that won't instantly devalue!

Don't give in to tantrums!!

You could tot up the equivalent in rent, food, bills etc and tell her she has had the equivalent of her brother.

No a car and university education is completely different. She I’m sure had the same choice as her brother.

Agree its YOUR money not hers she has no right to expect half

Also as others have said 3 years rent & bills, food pocket money is not going to be far off £20k anyway.

I really wish children were better financially educated mine are only little does anyone have any ideas as to how to help them learn to budget?

You did your best for both of them and it's a shame that DD knows the cost of this. If she is so monetary minded she'll probably always feel that she's been unfairly treated. She made her choice so point this out to her and also tell her if she'd done the same as her brother it would no doubt have totted up equally. Remind her that life isn't fair and quit moaning.