DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

[topoftheshops]

Once I'd finished laughing, I'd tell her no, that they had different needs at different times and you funded (and continue to fund) her choice of higher education, which incidentally a lot of parents can't do so she really ought to be grateful.

[tara66]

OP may not have the odd £20,000 to give to daughter! Also she may feel her efforts for her children have not had the results she hoped for. The daughter could now be a bitter disappointment to her.
''No good deed goes unrewarded''

[SoulofanAggron]

She does have a point to be fair. Could you say you'll fund/help while she does some other courses, so for both of them the money has gone towards advancing themselves?

[TW2013]

I would calculate how much she has cost over the past year - including rent of room. Unfortunately with a tourism qualification her income might be somewhat limited for the next few years. Say that you are willing (if you are) to finance a small secondhand car (possibly including a year of insurance) if she needs it for a job. Point out also how much her brother has also worked to contribute to his own expenses and then say you will revisit the situation in a few years.

Demanding a 20K car shows she has no real concept of money. A deposit for a house I might have looked upon more favourably but no 20yr old needs an expensive car. She needs to remember that it is still your house and your money.

[PleasantVille]

Why didn't your DS have a student loan? What am I missing, you choose to spend £20k when you could have had a loan? Is that what you mean, that's surely where you went wrong, you DS has a higher earning capacity and should taken the lawn to reflect that rather than make you scrimp and save. I can kind of see your DDs point although spending £20k on a car for her would be complete madness

[DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong]

She doesn’t need a 20 grand car at this stage in her life!

They’ve both had the opportunity at the education they chose so I would happily call that equitable.

If you really feel you must make it up financially tell her she can wait for something similarly life changing (deposit on a home? a wedding? she might even want to go to uni herself in another couple of years).

Don’t spend all that on a car for an 18 year old 😱

[nokidshere]

They wanted different things and you helped them to achieve those things. That’s fair.

Yes to this.

My 2 boys don't get 'the same'. They get what they need at the time they need it IF we have it available to give.

[Jaxhog]

That isn't how it works! You support your kids according to their needs.

Although I would guess that DD's accommodation and food costs will come to more than 20k.

[AreYouLocal2]

Nah mate!

[CherryPavlova]

I’d say we love you all the same but differently and we decide how to spend our money. We give according to need.

[Elbels]

That's insane.

The age gap between my sister and I meant that she had higher tuition fees and I had the lower previous ones. In a similar example if I was your daughter I'd ask my parents to pay me the difference. That's utterly bonkers.

[saleorbouy]

Education is an investment which unfortunately the government will not subsidise. Your DS mitigated his costs by working and funding his life. Your DS should be presented with a bill at market rate for her board, lodging and laundry and told that the world is not fair or equal so grow up and suck it up. Growing up to become adult means that you stand on your own two feet to get on in life, if help is offered then sure take it where it enables you to move on but never expect it or rely on it as a way forward. You make your own luck through hard work and determination.
The car idea is daft but I'd tell her that you'll match her savings over a year to go towards a car and insurance for the first year. The balls in her court then as to the value of the pot. Effort in = Results out.

[SandyY2K]

Your thread title had me confused, as it says DS wants equal.

I'd be saying a resounding no. Absolute cheek of her. If she went to University, you world have spent what it cost to support her.

She chose not to.

[Cherrytea]

The fact you even have to ask advice on this shows your dd already knows how to push you over

[YinuCeatleAyru]

Nope. Buying a car for a DC is not remotely in the same category as investing in their education.

Tell your DD that your financial support will be there for her if she needs a similar kind of investment in her future earning power - whether a degree or other venture with the same kind of potential.

The money you spent on DS was not for lifestyle luxuries like cars, it was supporting him to better himself, and he put in a lot of work. Her demand shows a deplorable lack of understanding.

[Purpleartichoke]

I would respond with a definitive NO. I’m very happy to support my child while she gets an education. If she isn’t attending university, she needs to support herself.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I would say no, based on the fact that this spend may even out more over the course of their lives.

My parents financially supported my brother through university, and through his masters degree, however they financially contributed more towards my wedding than they did his (their choice) I also have my parents' only grandchild at the minute and my mum does one day per week childcare to help us out with costs, and bought our pram and car seat and other bits and bobs, much of which my SIL mum will most likely do for my brother's children as she is very close to her mum. Might not be the case but your children will need practical support disproportionately at all different stages of the lives that it will be impossible to keep up with who's spent what

[BrummyMum1]

Your role as a parent isn’t to be “fair” that’s way too simplistic. Your role is to support your children to enable them to be happy. It sounds like you’ve done that.

[TinyTornado]

No, absolutely not. 20k on education is an investment. A car (with very few exceptions) will always lose money.
If you want to be fair invest in something to expand her horizons e.g a world trip / volunteering abroad type thing. It would link well with her tourism and perhaps give her a year when it’s likely to be very difficult to find a tourism job. It might well give her a USP when she comes to apply for work too.
However, a far more sensible suggestion would be to say she can have the money towards a deposit on her own home after a few years of work.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

So, DD has a level 3 college course?
Or a Level 2 apprenticeship?

Is she employed?

Did you pay for your son's tuition,or his maintenance?

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

A 20k car?! DH and I both earn 6 figures and we only spent 8k on ours! Your DD (who is just finishing a qualification which will be all but useless as it is for an industry which has been utterly destroyed by Covid and is haemorrhaging jobs), needs to get a sense of perspective.

[TheresABearInThere]

Work out how much she would have had to pay in accommodation costs all the years she’s been living home for free, add in food, electricity and all the other bills, and point out you’ve spent MORE than 20k facilitating her choices.

She’s either being very entitled and a spoilt brat, or genuinely has no clue about what it costs to provide a home for someone. Either way this isn’t a great position for her to be in as a young adult, you need to have a firm talk with her and point out some of life’s truths for her own good.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Why did you scrimp and save to spend money when your DS could have got a loan that he only had to pay back when he was earning above a certain amount, and even then very gradually (ie without scrimping and saving)?

[Natasha9511]

I would tell her to sling her hook 🤣

[blueshoes]

A £20K car is some car for a 20 year old. If she wants it, she will have to earn it herself, using her tourism qualification. Then she will realise she needs to invest in her qualifications, which you will be able to support.

If you give her the cash, it creates perverse incentives for her to not invest in skills but instead spend on fripperies.