DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

I find it concerning she forced your husband and not showing bank statements, that’s way out of line.

Husband into*

@Andwoooshtheyweregone

I find it concerning she forced your husband and not showing bank statements, that’s way out of line.

My thoughts exactly. She sounds like a spoiled little madam.

No way would I agree to that...if she went to uni she would have got the same

God, no you funded your son because he wanted to study and get on in life. Just tell her you will do the same for her IF she goes to university!

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s. DD learnt this through our casual conversations

Never discuss your finances with your children. It never goes anywhere good.

Blimey.. people’s entitled grown kids!!! Makes me quite grateful that mine have grown up in a low income family knowing we will help them in any way we can but that’s not going to include large financial hand outs. They are doing perfectly well for themselves earning their own money for the things they want in life and have never expected anything else

“I want a 20k car...”

This is crazy. I would say no, she’s lived with you and that hasn’t been free of charge. They chose different routes to take and you’ve supported them both in their choices.
My parents both helped my younger sibling financially though uni and never once have I asked for the money so it’s “equal” they have helped me at other times when I’ve needed it. If you help her with a car is DS going to feel put out? Would you feel happy telling him he won’t get helped with a car because he chose to go to uni? I think you need to draw a line under it all now before it spirals out of control

You've helped them both on the path they both chose. It's not your problem that college was cheaper than uni. And as for a car at 20,000...what a waste if money. At least your sons education will last a lifetime.
What about when your daughter gets married? Will you be paying for any of the wedding? I know many couples now pay for their own, but I also know parents who pay for their daughters but only give a small amount to their son.

As with others we supporting each according to their needs at the time, 2 Uni away from home (1 had additional year abroad), one didn’t do uni still at home. I’m like a broken record repeating you were all supported when you needed to be, not that they’ve asked

Greedy brat.

Tell her "Dad and I budgeted and scrimped and saved to put both of you through the training of your choice. Now you are both qualified to get a job and earn your own cars.

Now its our turn to spend our money on ourselves, as a reward for over 20 years of high quality child rearing. If we had 20 K, we'd spend the lot on booze, clothes, cars and a trip round the world. Without kids".

@uniparents

If you feel you spent the same on both your children, then there’s nothing to discuss. She needs to understand about all the extras she gets and how they amount to the same.

BUT if you don’t think you’ve spent equal money on them, then it’s a little unfair to not help her in her career direction just because she didn’t make it into uni.

She’s probably annoyed with herself for it, annoyed that her brother has and that he has a drive and a goal.

Just because she street smart doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spend £20k on her career path. If she could see that running your own business or doing accounting has the same kudos that you give for going to uni. She might be more interested.

The whole, I want a £20k car is just trying it. Calling for attention, probably because she feels she’s not as smart as her brother, when she is, just in different ways. She needs to understand that you see that, and even though society pigeon hole people that don’t go to university. Doesn’t mean she is anything less. Just different and she shouldn’t care what other people think.

Being female is not just about looks....and this is not me saying it. It’s all over social media (which I’m sure your daughter sees). All about being equal to men, girl boss, womenpreneur, etc.

OR I could be completely wrong and she’s just throwing a tantrum. Either way, she’s not happy for some reason. You need to find the actually reason before trying to find a solution.

But.....no to the £20k car. Maybe a deposit for her first property (cause that helps with her future).....but not a car.

I agree with grumpyhoomain and worraliberty

takes the pea so work out rent , food, bills , cost of coooking , washing, any products used, wear and tear of living in the home - replacements etc . See how much that amounts to.

When we got married the IL's bought us a washing machine and a tumble dryer. When I had my son they bought him a pram. SIL complained about how much her brother was getting. MIL told her to get married and have a baby and she'd get the same.

Absolutely not and your DD is a CF of the highest order: entitled madam is the nicest thing I can call her!

You supported BOTH choices and she chose not to go to uni. Obviously you spent more on DS because that goes with that particular choice.

Not only should you not give her demands another thought but you need to clarify that you did not raise a spoilt brat and she is "entitled" to nothing, anymore out of her and she can move out and finances her continued choices the same way her brother did.

Stop being a wet blanket, get angry and deal with this utterly distasteful behaviour.

Nope nope and nope! That 20k was for education and a career not a car. A 20k car at that ages is more than likely to get written off so really not worth it anyway.

Tell her if she wants to go to uni she can have the 20k same as her sibbling. But seeing as she chose a different route with a different value - she got what she got. Then tot up all the food, laundry, rent, education, clothes, allowance etc that she has had staying with you and tell her she was lucky to not have to foot the bill for that.

My sister went to uni, i didnt - never would i dream of demanding the same amount of money - i didnt do the hard work of going to uni so didnt get the money. (slightly peed off that my sister got a car and a house from parents and i got squat but hey - still didnt demand it or even suggest it)

At the end of the day - it's your money, she has no right to demand you spend it on her (especially if she hasnt done work - like a uni degree , that has require it) she wants a free car for doing not a lot where as your other child has worked hard for a degree.

Hell no!!!

@lockdownlunacy

This has raised a similar potential dilemma for me.

DS is at a local private school. We moved him there about a year ago for various SEN that were being totally overlooked in mainstream school and causing increasing school refusal. He is happy now and doing well.
DD on the other hand does not have SEN and is at our local secondary, doing equally well however I do feel guilty from time to time. We will have spent approx £35k on DS's fees by the time he leaves which may or may not become an issue for DD in later years.

We are doing the same, however long term I know the child in state school will go to university and we will support at that point, whilst my child with SEN will never get this opportunity and needs the support now.

My children don’t get equal support, they get the right support for them.

Your DD’s immaturity shows by asking for a £20k car. She could have asked you to put down a £20k deposit on a property.

No way in hell would I be spending £20k on a car for my child 😂

Funding an education is a bit different to funding a car. I'd not be doing that and would explain about bed and board etc

And good luck to her with a Tourism qualification in the current climate.

My younger DS seriously asked for the money we had spent on food for older DS in the 18 months before he was born! No I wouldn't give equal.

I’ve not read the full thread, but I didn’t go to university, all of my siblings did.

My younger sister is the closest in age to me, my parents paid her rent and extras throughout. So easily the same amount/more. (She took full loan also for spending money)

I worked straight from school, and now have a good job paid better than most uni grads my age. (If that’s relevant)

I don’t care. I know they’d have given me the same support if I went. A £20k car is just stupid. I don’t have the 40/50k+ of debt my sisters in which we’ll offsets the 20K help from my parents.

Lol

It’s always tricky trying to give the right support which isn’t always the same support for each child and I understand that, however, I do see how it can cause resentment when it’s financial. My DH and his brother both got scholarships to go to an amazing private secondary school but his brother’s scholarship was an academic one, DHs wasn’t. His parents sent his brother to the expensive private school and DH had to go to the local state secondary. He doesn’t resent his brother but he has always been left feeling let down and that his brother is the favourite. This has affected his relationship with his parents. Wanting a car to match the cost of education is a completely different story though and I think she is just trying her luck.