DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

@istandwithJKR
But she’s not. She funded her daughter for a year while she stayed at home in an invisible manner by buying her food. She also paid her daughters tution, both need taken into account. Arguably maybe not the accomation/rent charge but the rest should be taken into account.

I don't think that you should have discussed this in front of her. I would say, "yes of course we'll spend it on you, when you go to university". It's money to help improve their education. I certainly would not be spending £20,000 on a car!

How is she planning on funding the insurance for a 20k car?

You provided DD with free food and accommodation. You gave DS money to pay for his food and accommodation elsewhere. It's already equal, they've both been supported to adulthood.

Jesús Christ, I would tell her to get on her bike! Remind her she had the choice, you would have somehow funded her had she gone that route.

Work out how much it costs you to have her at home using hotel rates, how much a wash is at the launderette and how much to have food cooked and presented in a restaurant.

She wants a £20K car-has she considered how much her insurance would be? She’s being pathetic.

Wow, she’s got chutzpah I’ll give her that. Can’t quite believe she feels entitled asking for such an expensive car, whatever you might have spent on DS’s uni tuition. Please stand up to her nicely and maybe even show her this thread.

OP was the one who said she'd spent £20 k more on her DS? In my view - not fair.

Nope

Tell her to jog on. Paying for education is completely different from buying your spoilt DD a car. What a chancer 😂

Seriously, work out what you have spent on food, then add a reasonable percentage of the cost of utilities, mortgage and home upkeep and show her how much it has cost you to keep her. She's being childish and clueless about money.

No. Utterly grasping and also manipulative.

You facilitated their choices, that’s enough!

I agree. Treating children fairly doesn’t always mean treating them exactly the same. They wanted different things and you helped them to achieve those things. That’s fair.

I think that you probably should be trying to save up a similar amount to 20k earmarked for the benefit of your daughter if you are able to do so in the same manner that you found the money for your son.
I don't think that you should buy her a 20k car right now and on her say-so (although offering her an option of 5k towards a car if she actually needs one might be nice). 20k would make a lovely house deposit in due course, for example, which is similarly an investment in her future.

No just tell if she had decided to go to uni you would of supported her the same ect.

My parents paid for my sisters masters I don’t hold a grudge, demand money for new car, as I know they would of done the same if I did chose to do a masters.

No

She needs to grow up.

She has watched you scrimp and save to facilitate both your DC in their chosen paths.

You’ve done your job, if she wants a car she can earn the money herself.

So how much has she contributed compared to your son? Have you matched each of their own contributions? That might be a different way to put it to her. Plus the actual cost of her free board etc.

No matter which way it goes, she doesn't deserve a car!

1. Why did you tell her?!?!

1. Tell her to bugger off, the cheeky brat. Honestly!

Change the feelings, not the funding. You supported both children through different education paths, in different ways. Reassure DD that you would have tried as hard to fund a university course for her, had she chosen that route instead of college? I think kids just want to feel equally valued but it's tricky when she's discovered there seems to be a number on her value. She's had things that her sibling didn't get - she studied at home, in comfort. (I'm guessing without needing to juggle studies with a part-time job.) But, it's not because you favoured one child over the other. They just had different education journeys and you're equally proud and supportive of both of them - graduating this summer. Etc.

Your DD has lived with you completely cost free, rent, food, utility bills would add up pretty quick and not far off the same if she had gone to uni like DS.
If you work it out like that and DD has had less, maybe put the remaing money into a saving toward a house deposit for her.

I'm probably missing the point here, but that £20K spent to facilitate the obtaining of a degree is £20K far, far better invested than the same amount on a car that will plummet in value and be worth a tiny fraction in only a few years.

I don't know whether it would do any good to explain to your DD that you were willing to invest the money over time (as you were able) for something that will stand her brother in good stead for decades to come, you would have been willing to do that for her had her life plans required it; and if her brother had wanted the money in one lump sum to waste on a heavily depreciating asset such as a very unnecessarily expensive car, it would have been a no to him too.

Wow. Just no. She does not get to demand a car ‘to make things equal’. I would be so cheesed off

Your daughter sounds rude. My parents spent more on my sister because she went to uni. It never even occurred to me that my parents would give me a gift equivalent to what they spent on her.
If she wants a £20 k car she can save up and buy it herself. She's no right to demand anything. I'd start charging her rent and for bills/food, then ask if she still thinks you haven't spent enough on her.

My mum did this growing up. I was very good at a sport and they paid to send me places that I was selected for. My sibling wasn’t as talented and got taken on shopping trips to compensate for this. Didn’t have to desired effect on either of us. He still felt ‘less’ than me and I was upset as I genuinely would have prefered new clothes over training trips - not that my parents asked.

Equal does not always mean the same, is that the right phrase?