DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

What an entitled little shit. She should thank her lucky stars for the support she's had. Tell her to grow up, get a job, and move the fuck out.

Sorry to say this but your daughter is a cheeky bitch and it's all your fault. Your finances are nothing to do with her

What an entitled little shit. She should thank her lucky stars for the support she's had. Tell her to grow up, get a job, and move the fuck out.

Definitely, sons should be given thousands of pounds to pursue their academic goals and have fun all expenses paid for several years at university. Daughters should be kicked out of the home asap, with nothing, and told to get a job. Equality!

I'm not sure you are reading the same thread as everyone else @ZombieFan? This isn't about sexual equality

And, as I said previously, degrees aren't all about having 'fun'. You do have to work hard and if you didn't put in the effort you'd get kicked off your course.

@Mothership4two
Maybe I am different from other parents on MN but I dont consider my DD living with me an expense. I just happen to believe you should treat all your children equally and should spend roughly equal amounts of money on them all, whether they are academically minded or otherwise.

Don't understand why that is so controversial. Maybe I am just old fashioned!

Nope!

The OP provided for both of her children room, board, and tuition while they followed their chosen paths. The exact dollar amount spent is really neither here nor there.

When your children are dependant upon you, they are entitled to be looked after by you. When they are old enough they should be given jobs to do in the house, not for pocket money, but to make their contribution at home so they value the home they live in and their parents.

When they reach an age where they do not rely upon you for money, and are self sufficient it is up to you what you spend on them but they are adults now and not entitled to your money.

Adult children demanding things because they see a brother or sister getting something and wanting the same are behaving like a spoilt child

If they still live at home and when they're working charge them both equal rent and take it from there
You do what you feel right OP.
But just watch who's swinging the lead or who if not both, respect your support.
Forget the car for now

Maybe I am different from other parents on MN but I dont consider my DD living with me an expense

But she is, if the DD wasn't there, they could downsize, rent her room out, or just enjoy the extra space for their own use.

The DDs had at least an extra 3 years at home with everything paid for, making no financial contribution and may have more to come as unfortunately she's unlikely to get much work in tourism anytime soon.

Even using a relatively modest monthly rate for a lodger or room in a shared house, plus food, utilities etc, you can cost that up to at least 20k over 3 years.

I'm assuming the OP isn't in the UK due to the language that she uses and the fact that it doesn't make sense under the UK system to pay for university fees from existing funds in almost all cases.

Te her that you will pay up to £20k for her betterment as you have for your son. Obviously a car does not fall into that.

Well i think your DD may have to do another course if she's just finished studying tourism...

Just thought you were missing the point @ZombieFan. OP explained the reasons why there was a financial difference and if had nothing to do with gender.

They are also still young. There may come a point in the future when the daughter asks them for a (necessary) financial contribution ie towards her wedding/down payment/who knows. Things may even out. Although, as many ppl have pointed out, there may not be much of a difference if living expenses, allowance and all the other little things that crop up are taken into account.

However, I still think it is a bit rich to demand money from the very people who have and are supporting you. They don't 'owe' her and she hasn't contributed anything.

I would tell her the money is available for education and support while in education, and after she finishes her education you hope she'll have the immense satisfaction of being able to buy her own car.

A tourism certificate isn't going to get her far in the next few years.

You supported them both equally in helping them achieve the jobs that they aspired to. The fact that her chosen career path cost less is irrelevant.

Thank you all, i wasn't expecting so many replies!

Sorry i posted twice and I meant to say DD in the title but you figured that .

DD had been difficult, I think her demand was out of spite, to blow 20k in the quickest possibly, most satisfying way.

DD did not make the grades to go to Uni., she struggled academically, a thoroughly clever girl just not interested in academic work, Maths put her to sleep in 2min. DS got into grammar school all by himself, we only bought him the workbooks he asked and left him to it. He was driven and worked hard. DD resented that and had been bearing a grudge forever.

She pressed her dad every now and then 'how much money did he get this time??' Even talked her dad into showing her bank statements. The tantrums we had to put up with.. if only she could channel her energy to something more productive.

Neither could I say 'We will pay for you to go to Uni. and have that experience if you choose to do so.'; because the elephant in our house is that she couldn't get a place, her grade were that bad.

We tried to interest her into getting Accounting qualifications but she gave up after a few weeks, just not interested. I think she seriously wants the car to overcompensate for not being able to have a uni career.

And I am not proud for having raised such a child.

From your update, I think you need to get past the money side of it.

You could offer her some money for counselling to talk through why she is not happy about things.

But buying her an expensive car is not any kind of answer imo.

@uniparents

And I am not proud for having raised such a child.

for you, it's hard when they go through a bad patch. Be careful not to write her off, she maybe needs a way to get closer to you.

It is harder for kids who don't easily achieve the things that make parents proud, it can become a cycle.

I just don't think the answer is an expensive present.

It seems she feels she is the black sheep and DS the golden boy.

I would investigate family therapy if I were you.

I have the same situation in my house. One chose not to go to university so he had to get a job and buy his own car. He lives here for free.
The other gets his accommodation paid for at Uni.
They both had the same opportunity, one took it and one didn’t. Tough.

It sounds like she wants a flashy car to validate herself and self worth, something for other people to “see”. I cant believe your DH showed bank statements, you’ve gone way too far.

Could you help to find something that might kick start her career? For example (after Covid??) eg flights and start up money for some work experience in tourism abroad? Problem is you could imagine her phoning up every five mins fir more money until she’s got her 20k. God there’s just no moving on from this is there.

she is incredibly rude and entitled, not streetwise.

Demanding a car that cost no less than £20k

Agree with PP, start charging rent at market rate.

I would have mixed feelings too but not about the fact that I spent more money on DS's education. Goodness, is there even a question to be asked?

Charge her back rent and ongoing rent until £20,000 is reached.

Then help her pack.

Did she choose her career out of interest, ir because she couldn’t find anything else?

I still wouldn’t give her anything, but I'd tell her you will help her if she chooses further career study. It’s not about equalizing what you spend on them, it’s about them getting a good start in life.

You could also point out your husband didn’t account for what was spent on her for water, food, pocket money, etc. while she was studying or after.