DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

No, just no.

You helped her do what she wanted to do.

Money is a menace!

I'd be writing out an invoice of everything you've done over the years to support her and letting her know when you expect the monthly repayments to start.

Cheeky cheeky girl!

Will your son be moving home after graduation? Will your daughter be moving out now? She can’t be surprised that he had more money spent on him when he studied for 2 extra years? As he is 3 years older I would agree to re-evaluate in 3 years time. In those 3 years he will probably have received no further financial support, but she may have continued to live at home receiving food and board. If there is still a ‘shortfall’ then actually I would consider making up the difference in some way, but I’d probably agree to put some money aside for a house deposit when the time came.

In my family I am the daughter, both siblings went off to Uni and I didn't.

Didn't even occur to me to ask my parents for that money (I also left home at 18) however, I may now chance my luck on it and see what my dad says ;)

If anyone hears the sound of loud laughter tomorrow, that is probably my dad when I mention it

A one year tourism qualification? That is not comparable to a degree.

The money is nit important. You have enabled both to achieve the qualifications they chose. End of.

I somewhat agree with your DD.

Your DS chose most expensive higher education and was fully funded plus room/board. His more expensive education will result in higher lifetime earnings.

She chose a cheaper higher education, was also funded plus room/board but her education will most likely result in lower lifetime earnings.

This is even before we consider male privilege and the gender pay gap affecting your DDs life chances. In sum, your DS has a £20k head start on life compared to your DD and the gap will only widen.

I think she is right that you should invest at least an equal amount in her future as you did for her brother. I would not buy a £20k car, but instead would tell her that you will help her with her first home purchase with £20k towards deposit, or for further qualifications/study or similar. If she wants the money now, open a lifetime ISA for her and fund it annually until you’ve put in £20k.

That way, they’ve had equal investment in the future from their parents, it’s just been used differently to support their different, but equally valid life choices.

I can’t stand this grabby attitude!! I don’t think being treated equally means exactly the same. It seems you acted fairly by supporting both of your children’s life choices. Your daughter has some growing up to do.

I’d just laugh to be honest!

I think it's reasonable to tell her that you are happy to do your best to help support sensible investment in her future but not unsustainable lifestyle choices. Assuming, that is, that you would pay for her to further her career prospects I the same way you did your son.

She has a point in a way - you didn't need to put all that money into his uni education. He could have taken loans out instead. Because you put that money in (money that might have otherwise been spent partly on your daughter) your son is likely to have more spending money in the future, and not just because a degree may lead to a better paying job, but because he will not be paying loans back that are a standard part of getting a degree.

Her demanding the money the way she has is entitled, and her suggestion for evening things up is immature, but you have put a lot more into your son and if you were scrimping and saving to do it then you probably did so at her expense to some extent. I can see why that will come across as unfair to her.

I can’t stand this grabby attitude!! I don’t think being treated equally means exactly the same.

I agree. Also, her brother, being older, will almost certainly have more spent on him during your lifetimes than she will; but, not to be too crude about it, she will receive her share of any inheritance when she is still three years younger than he is.

she sounds like a spoilt brat has she always been so entitled

my sister does that well you spent so and so on them so why dont i get the same its embarrassing

Your mistake was in telling the children how much you'd spent on each of them. I'm baffled as to how this was "just casually mentioned".

Honestly OP she is behaving like like a spoiled brat. Is this how she behaves in general?

She had the same opportunities as her brother. She chose not to take that route. That said, I had the same scenario with my boys. One went to uni, one didn’t and I actually did buy a car for the non uni one. It was however MY idea and MY decision, never ever did DS1 mention it. It would most certainly not have happened if there had been a request, much less a demand!
Entertaining a stroppy, foot stamping demand for frivolities will harm your daughter. She needs a sharp lesson in the realities of life. Sadly if she works in tourism, the economic situation might just deliver her that unpleasant lesson.
Save your money, she may genuinely need your help soon

God is she my sister? She demanded a holiday (which she got) from my dad when he paid towards my wedding. Which was a small sum towards it, we paid for the majority of it. And when my dad gave up driving and gave me his 20 year old car she demanded he bought her a new one. She didn't even drive.

that would be a big NO from me.

And when she realises that a 1 year tourism qualification won't take her very far in today's job market, tell her you'll help support her getting a more useful apprenticeship or degree. In the meantime, she's had free accommodation, free food, free utilities and laundry service.

You help fund education opportunities, not holidays and cars.

Rather than buy her a 20 grand car, I’d tell her to move out. Honestly I’d burst out laughing if my dd said this to me.

I would definitely not buy her a car. Explain that if she'd gone to uni you would have done the same for her as you did for her brother.

Like another poster said, add up the costs of what she would have paid in rent, food etc for being at home and then calculate the difference between what you spent on each. It's probably a lot closer than you realise.

Equal help =/= equal money. You've helped both of your children get the education they wanted to get started in their chosen careers. You don't owe either of them anything. Plus if you start adding up, it gets ridiculous. There's so many costs over the past 20 years that you can't possibly work out which child you've spent more or less on.

So, I probably wouldn't have done this in a way that meant she got hold of the figures like that, but now that you have, I still wouldn't be paying out. If she's getting money for anything at this point, I would insist it went towards a deposit for a house, not a flash car. But I don't think you have any obligation to do that either.

Being treated the same doesn’t mean getting exactly the same.

Treating them with equal concern doesn’t mean giving them identical treatment. You’ve facilitated their choices in the same way.
You invested in each of their futures. A car isn’t an investment

She’s being spoilt.

Where does it end? Birthday present fit one £50 for the other? You buy her a dress for her wedding day does she think brother should get £1k?! It’s daft. You can’t pound and pence equal parent.

But you surely have had accommodation costs etc for your dd. Did she not use electricity and eat food?

If you are counting your ds's living costs (that you gave him as money) you should also be counting her equivalent costs (that you gave her as food, TV licence, wifi, etc etc).

Spending money on accommodation and living expenses for your son isn't the same as just handing over 20k. He got that money because he has to live somewhere while he's studying. Your DD has also had her living costs paid for. It's not the same as giving him a lump sum and refusing her!

I try to help each of my DC with what they need at any given time - it won't be exactly the same type of help because they aren't the same people with identical needs.

It's selfish to demand a 20k car when she knows you aren't swimming in money. Tell her you will invest in her education and yes, remind her of all the things she gets at home that would cost an arm and a leg if she lived independently and had to finance them herself!

I'd say that hat you'll pay for uni if she goes. Exactly the same offer you made to your other child!

Honestly, I'd be embarrassed to have raised such a brat and there is absolutely NO WAY I'd pander to that request.

I would probably say if you went to university I would have spent the same on you. You chose not to go.

@notacooldad Not everyone is equally academic.

@uniparents I have a disability and my parents gave me bits through uni and throughout my life, for stuff I needed or to bail me out etc. My younger sister didn't go to uni (wouldn't have suited her) is 41 now and was able to get a mortgage. Parents (well, mostly mum) helped her towards the deposit on the house, think she went halves with them on it. I think that's fair. Probably they've helped me out more financially.

I think your daughter's being cheeky- you might decide to help her but it's for you to decide rather than her to demand.