DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

FWIW, it doesn't sound like you started out with favourites, but you are proud that your eldest child has had the confidence, ability and drive to be successful. If your younger child doesn't have those attributes, how are they being valued and encouraged?

It is entirely possible that they are being a brat, it could also be that they grew up seeing their elder sibling being praised for something they struggled with themselves, and their feelings and behaviours are a consequence of being unable to deal with this.

For what it's worth, I am on board with the concept that equal support and opportunity does not necessarily mean equal money spent. No more sharing private information like bank statements, but maybe more emotional support to help them work out what they do want to do. To be honest, I think your idea of good with numbers = accountancy was a bit lazy and naive - was this her idea or yours? Maybe investment in some career coaching would be a good start.

I 🤣at the op thinking dd was a child genius because she remembered a couple of telephone numbers in primary. Even after the introduction of smart phones, people remember numbers including small children.

I'm sure it was the norm back in the day to tell your kids from the time they could talk, what to do if they got lost including a phone number 🤣

You're all a bit hysterical in your house thb. Crying because your son had some sore hands from working. And I've never known the dishwasher getting paid more than well anyone, and especially not front of house with all the tips. Unless of course it's one of those monstrosity places that use tips as wages.

And if she suddenly decides to go to uni, what is the plan in terms of financing it? One of mine is 22, doing successfully on the career ladder, and is now considering the uni option.

Its not an entitlement - its down to need. She needs a car - a run around is fine specifying 20k is just completely unreasonable

As others have said she chose not to go to uni but I bet her hairdressing costs more than his, or she has more clothes, or toiletries where do you draw the line

TBH the more comments you make the more it's clear how your DS is 'golden child' so I am not surprised by your daughters reaction. She probably feels resentful for living in his shadow because she isn't as academic.

DS worked PT in the kitchen because it's better paid than waiting tables, and it's hard work, my heart bleeds when he came home hands all chafed and cracked.

Probably better to have bought him a pair of Marigolds rather than bled your heart OP.

I would work out roughly what you have spent supporting her at home and try and even things up someway if there has been a significant disparity, but explain that you may not be able to do this all at once, or in the form of a car!

Her choices/path are not necessarily worse/less valid/less worthy than your son's by the way, but reading between the lines perhaps she has been made to feel that they are.

I'm 6 years older than my brother. I had a job when I was 14 (my mum got it for me so she wouldn't have to give me pocket money, which was sporadic anyway). I bought everything for myself and when I left school and got a full-time job at 17, she took rent from me on my first pay day. Even when something cropped up and I was in a tight spot, she demanded my rent and I had to sell some of my jewellery to pay her. I financed my driving lessons, etc and moved out just after my 21st birthday.

DB lived at home rent free until he was 23. My parents paid for his driving lessons and both tests, his insurance and even gave him petrol money at the end of the month when he'd spent his money on fags. He didn't do his own washing or buy food. Keep in mind that he qualified as a mechanic and got a very good job locally when he was 20 so he was living the life of riley, rent free, on £30k a year.

I recently found out that when my parents gave me £1000 towards my wedding in 2016, they also gave him the same amount "to keep it fair". Except now he's getting married next year and I can guarantee that they will be throwing money at him, even though he's on £35k and I'm a PhD student living on a stipend. Yes, I'm older but our positions have totally reversed.

I know I'm not entitled to anything from them and I should be happy that I'm settled with DH and a house and I'm in a position where I can follow my dreams, but that resentment eats at me. Every time I hear my mum mention to DB or his fiancee that she's bought X, Y or Z for their wedding I remember how she hid from me the fact that he wasn't paying rent and that she gave him £1000 to blow through.

Your DD doesn't need a £20k car and she is acting like a brat but this type of resentment isn't always logical.

I would not pay her any extra money. My children all went to uni but all had student loans, we helped them all out at various times when they each needed it. My middle son had some anxiety issues and needed extra financial help because of this but the others have never asked to be given any money to make up for it. We help him out now as he is doing a phd and gets a lot less money than the other two. There is no resentment with any of them.

In fact having read the OP's three posts I'm not sure that she even likes her daughter at all and the son appears to be the golden boy who can do no wrong.

You daughter will have picked up on this all her life, OP. I suggest a step change in your own attitude.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Seems everything is always the parents' fault. Nothing wrong in being proud of a child who is hardworking and driven. And being less proud of a child who CBA to work at school and expects everything handed to them on a plate. It doesn't mean she loves that child less. Should the OP not express pride in her son just because her daughter is bratty? Demanding to see bank statements and the dad giving into that? Crazy behaviour. I would tell her to go back to school and get A levels or embark on an access course for uni or retrain in something that is actually going to earn her some money and you will help her as you have helped DS. It's not wrong to steer a child towards a future with some earning potential, based on what you think their capabilities are - especially if you have a child who values expensive cars!

OPs daughter is only 17. She still has time to go to uni plenary of time. @Ellisandra made a good point. It’s the way OP gets herself across I mean really?

Another poster mention OPs name and I agree “uniparents”. There’s more to it here.

And being less proud of a child who CBA to work at school and expects everything handed to them on a plate

If a child "CBA" to work at school there is always some issue as to why that is. Maybe they don't like school or it doesn't suit them, or they have additional needs. As a parent it's your job to find out what that issue is, and also to accept that your children may be very different and to find what is special about each of them and what their strengths and weaknesses are - which also change over time, by the way. You don't just write them off at a young age "Ah, she's just lazy, not like her brother." This does neither child any good and is thoroughly toxic parenting.

I know I would certainly react in a "can't be arsed" way or worse if everything I did seemed to be wrong and everything my brother did was right. May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Its not an entitlement - its down to need

I agree. My brother and I had similar with me staying at home and him going to Uni. I actually ended up earning more than him.

She’s being cheeky. I’d think it was bad enough if she stropped about it and asked for a car that she wouldn’t have otherwise expected, but I’d be more inclined to consider it if she hasn’t specified it should cost no less than 20k, that for me would equate to a big fat fuck right off and that’s what you get for being so rude. Not understanding how things have worked out this way would also beg the question about how street wise she is to be honest. Honestly I feel a bit of a rage about this and I’m inclined to be quite a spendy person with my kids!

And tell her it’s about equal treatment, not spends, they have both been treated in the same manner and supported the same in both of their chosen paths

Tell her she can have 20k towards her education but not her lifestyle

If a child "CBA" to work at school there is always some issue as to why that is. Maybe they don't like school or it doesn't suit them, or they have additional needs.

In addition to my rant above I cba with school and left with a couple of Highers (equivalent to 1 A Level, probably). It turns out I'm autistic, but I don't know if that's relevant.

I started working full-time at 17 with no intention of ever doing another piece of school work in my life. I was so relieved to be rid of it.

When I was 24 I did an evening college course after work. At 26 I started a part-time BA. I was bitten by the study bug and did my MSc at 28, passing with Distinction in the top 5% of my cohort. I'm now 30 and doing a full-time PhD, on a totally different path than I ever imagined for myself but feeling more at home and accepted than I ever have.

Your DD is so young - don't write her off as lazy and unmotivated yet. She has her whole life to figure it out.

I would laugh and ask her how she would fund the insurance on a prestige car.

Don't get too much caught up in the actual request. The important point is what is DD going to do now, to earn her living and be happy ?

A lot has changed in the last few months, tourism has dramatically contracted and the opportunities will be few and far apart.

How much do you know about her plans?

Anyone with the brass neck to ask you like that will almost certainly do well when they find their niche.

What is DD doing to find hers?

Yes you will support her education but not a car. But I think you need to ask why your daughter is asking this? I grew up in in a situation where as the eldest it was made very clear to me that once school was over I was on my own financially at 17. If I wanted to go to college I had to finance it myself. My parents (who were reasonably well off) have never contributed to anything in my life. My brother has been supported to the nth degree, helped at every turn, supported no matter what he does and is going to inherit everything from them.
I spent my whole life knowing that my brother was more valued and loved.
If you are sure and can show and explain to your daughter that you are treating them the same and will support her in the future with her education if she chooses to pursue this. Is it clear to your daughter that you value her equally?

There is always a reason. And sometimes it's that they just CBA. Not all kids have a SN. Some kids just have an attitude problem, which they might grow out of in time. I do agree that 17 is young and it's not too late and absolutely the OP should support further education. What horrifies me is the notion of a 17 year old demanding access to bank statements and the parents feeling that they have to comply.

I think she should have the money you said at the time.

Also, had you spent the £20K on DS age 17 in one go or was it spread out over the previous 3 years?

The timing isn't equal if you give £20K to DD aged 17 when your DS accrued it over 3 years to finish up £20K spent aged 20 or nearly 21, as he must be.

There’s still a different in age - but I don’t think this girl is 17. She’s failed her A levels then gone on to take a year long T&T course which she just finished. So she’ll be 18 and probably 19 unless she’s a summer baby - but 19 by September. The brother will be turned or turned 22 by September. OP said they were 3 years apart. The reason they’ve reached the same “end of study” point at the same time, is she did one year post A Level (T&T) and he did four (degree + placement year)

One of my siblings is like this, still living at home rent free at 40 and getting their car heavily subsidised by parent. They're very resentful of me and other sibling who went to uni and have moderate salaries now.

Nip it in the bud now!

I'd suggest she gets a job, and if you're feeling generous say you'll match every £2/3 she saves with £1. I'd encourage her to look at saving up for travelling or working abroad.

She needs a job and a smack of reality.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

There is always a reason. And sometimes it's that they just CBA. Not all kids have a SN. Some kids just have an attitude problem, which they might grow out of in time. I do agree that 17 is young and it's not too late and absolutely the OP should support further education. What horrifies me is the notion of a 17 year old demanding access to bank statements and the parents feeling that they have to comply.

OP has exaggerated mainly to do with the brother. Did DD really demand bank statements? If so that’s down to both parents discipline (or lack of). Never heard anything like it! I think posters have been too quick to judge. OPs DD clearly thinks her mum has that kind of money.... funny how her daughter came up with that figure!