DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

If you give it to her you will only further her arrogant and entitled behaviour. And she is bullying you. Shut her down firmly and tell her that you have supported their choices equally.

__ DS got into grammar school all by himself, we only bought him the workbooks he asked and left him to it.

Did your daughter also attend the same grammar school as well?

No. She has had the benefit of free accommodation and food not to mention maid service. Cheeky.

Tell her to stop being so cheeky and spoiled. Im one of 5 and over the years we have all had vastly different ammounts spent on us and we dont care. Our parents provided what each of us needed at the time. Not a chance in hell should you pay £20,000 on a car. If your that set on equality tell her the 20k is there for education and nothing else. (not just uni but any education).

Wow - so your description of your way to build your daughters's self esteem is built entirely around her appearance?

We have two dcs. Dc 1 wanted to go to uniyand we supported their ambition as much as we could. We were not in a position pay like you did - in fact, our situation was such that dc was among the last few years where means tested grants were awarded and they were awarded the maximum. Despite this, we did have what we could towards their food bills and paid for a mobile phone contract as well as meeting the cost of travel to home and university, whether it was us taking them each term or paying for train tickets to come home for a weekend here and there. Dc2 chose not to go to university so didn't get the same financial input from us at the time. When they bought their first car, we helped out with some if the costs. When dc2 and their partner had their own dc, we help out with childcare - although not a financial contribution, it saves them a fortune. Neither dc feels the other has had more support - they both know that they have had the support they needed at the time. In that resort, they have been treated equally. It sounds as though your dd has had your support, but in different ways. I bet if you added up what you have spent on her and compared it to your dd, the amount will be very similar. She may not have had cash in her hand, but the has had the benefits in other ways.
So no, I would not be buying her a car, let alone one costing £20000.

So ds had support for

Tuition fees
Cash for accommodation, food, various other costs

Dd had support for

Tuition fees
Accommodation (free, not cash, but still she didn't have to pay
Food (as above)
Washing (as above)
Cash in the form of picket money for various other costs.

The only real difference I can see is hard cash vs invisible (perhaps show her ads giving idea of how much rent is?)

And of course, the fact a uni course lasts for three years whereas hers is only one. That's the real rub.

I can see her point that it LOOKS like ds has come out far better off...but that's due to their individual decisions, not favouritism. And the support she gets is mostly invisible so harder for her to see and appreciate the value of it.

Any way you could say that you will put money aside in an account for two years so she will have felt supported for the same length of time? But if she's still at home, then you're still supporting her anyway, so only put a small amount aside to balance that out. Or give her some cash towards her rent for next two years if she's moved out?

Def not a car though, entitled little madam!

@uniparents

I think there's a few things going on here.

I suspect she's seeing it as you gave the money to DS for him to spend. That he spent it on rent and food, that she's getting for free, she isn't seeing as the same thing in a different form.

Some PPs have said that you obviously prefer DS. From what you've written, I wonder if you've actually gone the other way. Tried to spoil her to compensate for not being academic. In what household does a teenager (she's only 17 now and she was doing this when she was younger too) get to demand to see her parents' bank statements, and be shown them??

But perhaps most importantly, she's three years behind her DB in terms of spending. So the £20,000 doesn't come in to play for at least the next three years, during which time DS might be living away from home, paying his own bills and food, while she lives at home rent and board free.

No car!!

whatever I said to her would probably end with "off"
and maybe accompanied by an email link for an estate agent with flats or rooms to rent available.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

whatever I said to her would probably end with "off" and maybe accompanied by an email link for an estate agent with flats or rooms to rent available.

You'd tell your kids to fuck off and hand them estate agent literature if your daughter played up cos she's treated as inferior to her brother? Course you would love!

But perhaps most importantly, she's three years behind her DB in terms of spending. So the £20,000 doesn't come in to play for at least the next three years, during which time DS might be living away from home, paying his own bills and food, while she lives at home rent and board free.

Or you could buy her the car but tell her that now she and DB are quits in terms of spending you won't spend another penny on her for the next three years. And then when she's 20, like DB is now, then you'll have another think. But if you haven't paid DS any more since now, then there'll be no more for her either. See how she likes that for 'being equal'.

I don’t think you were very fair
I have 4 dc ,3 are adults ,we have made sure we have helped them out equally,one went to uni ,who we helped out ,one got a job and needed a car ,so we helped both with the same amount..
Different paths ,going to uni ,is not always for everyone,and just because one of dc didn’t go ,dosnt mean they are less deserving of my help.
I think you have been unfair to your dd

Tell her to go to university or do some other training you will pay for, as tourism is not looking like a good option for the forseeable. And spending £20k on an investment like education that should see it paid back many times over is totally different to spending it on a car. A car will lose a substantial value the moment you buy it and will continue to do so (all while costing a tonne to service and run) until it is worth nothing. Thats the kind of streetwise she'd better off to develop.

Not a chance ! Cheeky mare

I have 4 dc ,3 are adults ,we have made sure we have helped them out equally,one went to uni ,who we helped out ,one got a job and needed a car ,so we helped both with the same amount.. Different paths ,going to uni ,is not always for everyone,and just because one of dc didn’t go ,dosnt mean they are less deserving of my help. I think you have been unfair to your dd

So these parents who have worked hard and are obviously not rolling in money should now hand over £20k to a 17 yo? Nuts. OP has said that they do shell out a fair amount for other things, dd lives rent free and gets pocket money. Over the next few years it will probably even out. She's still a teenager ffs, if she was imiddle aged and there had been discrepancies over the years that would be a different matter. Although I really baulk at anyone demanding money from their parents at any age (or demanding to look at bank statements!)

Sounds like she is just being a stroppy teenagent

A car depreciates 50% once you drive it off the lot, btw.
It sounds like your boy worked hard. But...
Does she have any reason to believe you favor him? Does she have any reason to think you do not respect "street smarts"?
And I'm not sure how she picked up on a conversation that should have been between husband and wife.
Sounds like you've done plenty for her, though.

After your update I am even more convinced you shouldn't give her a car.

Why is it on MN that a child who goes to Uni & can get student loans to pay for everything is considered the 'golden child' and rewarded with 20k from parents!

But if a child cant get into Uni they are considered 'unworthy' and expected to be grateful for their parents even paying for their room, board & food?

Its like you stop being a parent if your child isn't clever enough to get a degree.

Heart bleeds because works in a kitchen. That's fantastic. I love it.

ZombieFan, did you really read it like that? No one has said child who don't go to uni is unworthy. Projecting much?

What’s fair isn’t always what’s equal. DS has greater need at this life stage, she may well need help later. (Or he might- in which case he will get ‘more’ because in families we don’t like to see any members arbitrarily suffer) You’re not blowing the cash on an unnecessary car during a global recession...

Have you factored in the amount of money saved by her living at home? Surely a big chunk of the money you gave him was rent and food, which you also provided for her...

'money is not the answer to how you are feeling. When you are taking grown up steps towards your future we will back you all the way.'

Your daughter has done a year at college studying tourism but does she have a job? If she doesn't (or even if she does) being a parent is not over yet. She may need to retrain or work in a low paid role where you still offer her housing support. You might offer her free bed and board while she saves for a house deposit.

One day your daughter might want you to look after her children while she works. If your son lived away and couldn't benefit from the same offer would he be given £1000 a month (the value of your childcare) to even things up? I think not.

Tallying up who got what is horrible at any time but it doesn't make sense at all while your kids might still rely on you for cash, housing/ childcare or in an emergency.

Your daughter needs to be told that she is damn lucky her parents are "there for her" and she won't be bought expensive gifts for not wanting or bothering to go to uni... and it is "not wanting or bothering" because if she wanted to go you would have supported her to retake her A levels so that she could go.

In fact does she want to do the necessary study and exams to get into uni now? It might not be a bad idea as jobs will be hard to come by for a while. I think it is likely her answer will be no!