DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

'sorry' i thought she was going to be a genius' that should have said

Thank you, exactly my thoughts. We've saved over the years putting money aside for both of them; we made sacrifices. DS worked PT in the kitchen because it's better paid than waiting tables, and it's hard work, my heart bleeds when he came home hands all chafed and cracked. He cycled 18miles one way to his work placement, never even think of getting a car. It hurts me the most that DD is oblivious to all these.

This isn't about the car. You need to talk to her op. She clearly thinks you favour your son, and your treatment of her is unfair. This is about your relationship with her, and she wants you to engage more with her, and her choices. She sounds insecure.

I don't think dismissing her as a brat by other posters is helpful.

I feel a lot of sympathy for your DD. You say 'I am not proud of having raised such a child' and 'It hurts me the most that DD is oblivious to all this'. I wonder if your DS has been your favourite all his life, if your DD has always been aware of this, and if it has influenced her choices and self-confidence. I do think we're only getting part of the story here.

And yes I agree with a pp - she doesn't feel valued by you because you don't value her in the same way.

You talk about how hard your son works - hands cracked, bleeding whatever. Do you only value people if they slave away? Work hard? People's 'value' should not be measured this way - if you have passed this on to your daughter no wonder she is putting significance on a material object.

I would feel very disappointed that I had raised such an entitled, selfish child. You said that you aren't well off. Why isn't she grateful for the support you have given her? She isn't even 21 yet (like her brother was when he finished education) and she may have needed help from you in the next couple of years.
I would work on teaching her some life lessons and tell her that if she doesn't start volunteering at soup kitchens/food banks to understand hardship and blessings etc then she can pack and leave.
Seriously disappointing character traits showing.

And actually a lot of pps agreeing with you have pretty horrible views - chuck her out, make her live in a caravan because she 'only' studied tourism. Grim. I feel for your daughter

Normally I’m a “treat them the same” sort of parent but your updates explain why in this case, that wouldn’t actually be fair.

I would use the position that you have ‘given’ her free rent, food etc for x years and then break down how it equals £x. If she’s good with numbers she won’t be able to argue with this given your son has clearly had substantial living costs (that he’s contributed towards) whereas she hasn’t.

Oh FGS. Your heart bled over your poor son having dry sore hands from working in a kitchen? Part time, temporarily with a uni course ahead of him? It’s hardly a life time down the mines. OTT, much?

Be proud of his work ethic, yes. Get him some hand cream - yes. But please, enough of the bleeding heart over it. It’s not that big a deal.

I have a feeling that if your daughter read me writing, “poor mummy’s brave little darling boy” she’d give me a wry smile.

you have created a monster, haven't you?

you've been paying food, board, bills and for a qualification (which is sadly going to be fairly useless now although no-one could have foreseen that). That said I've worked with those with T and T qualifications and...dear oh dear.

anyway - explain why a £20k car is a foolish idea and then ask her what her plans are.

The daughter is still an entitled brat but I am very much getting a whiff that he’s the “golden child” so that might be more of an explanatory factor in why she is aggrieved

@ellisandra whilst getting into her £20k car

Maybe your DD is worried about a career in tourism - I mean not exactly the best time to be finding a job in that area.

Personally I would try and have some conversations with her regarding what her plans are.

I think your favouritism towards your son is clearly a massive issue here , you speak about him like he is gods gift to earth and your daughter like she's just one massive disappointment. When it sounds like they've both gone down quite bog standard routes in life.

However I also find her sense of entitlement shocking and the fact that the only thing she could think to spend 20K on is a car at her age is quite telling.

Ultimately, this is an issue that you have created so I'd suggest a very serious chat with your DD.

I would work on teaching her some life lessons.. if she doesn't start volunteering at soup kitchens/food banks. she can pack and leave* so volunteer where I tell you or live on the streets. Nice parenting. Not.

I think you need to have a long chat with your DD about what she wants in life and how she's going to achieve that (other than expecting the bank of mum and dad to pay for it). It sounds as though your DS is going to be successful as he is both academic and driven. Your DD is going to have a lifetime of resenting her brother as he suceeds and possibly amasses more chattels ( something she clear sees as important). She clearly has strengths which can be built upon and she does need to channel her energies into finding the right direction for her - which I'm sure you'll support her in along the way. If that involves requiring a car to get to work then I would support that - but it would be a few thousand to buy a safe and reliable 2nd hand car - a far cry from the £20k model she is expecting. She needs to know that expensive things come from hard work and she is just as capable of hard work as her brother but maybe just in a non so academic way.

I see you’ve happily come back to say, “thank you, exactly my thoughts” to those who agree with you; @uniparents

Are you going to comment on the number of people who feel the favouritism in your comments?

Are you going to answer my question - about how you would feel if you failed to get into uni, but you had the kind of mother who chose to brand themselves as “Uniparents” when complaining about you online?

Tell her you're saving it for future training/job support as that's what the money was spent on for your DS.

If your DS had asked for a car worth £20K instead of a uni education I doubt you'd have said yes to that either and she knows it.

I'm going to agree with the sparse pp's that your favouritism for your son is shining through, more and more, with every one of your posts.

The bottom line is you seem like you don't even like your daughter that much but you see your son as The Golden Boy.

If we can see that in a handful of posts on the internet, I feel bloody sorry for your daughter having it rammed home every single day.

If your daughter is 17 then she is still a child. While my son was at college I didn't expect board from him. He had a Saturday job to fund extra things he wanted. Are you not in the uk ?

Seems like you think your daughter has failed you by choosing not to go to university.

Sometimes, kids are just lazy. But I don’t get the impression that this was a girl who was doing fine and then just spent her A level years pissing about in the pub. Your example of her mathematics success for example is right back to age of memorising a phone number! So there isn’t a history of academic success then gone to pot, is there? She’s been upset by her brother getting into grammar school and not her, when she was presumably 11. Was she already “just lazy” then?

I would love to hear what you have done for the last 10+ years, about her academic achievement not matching what you thought her potential was.

@anon5000 I find it interesting that in post #1 the OP SATs exactly that - that her daughter chose not to go. Yet in post #2 we find out that the truth is, her daughter didn’t choose it - she didn’t get the grades. She describes this as “the elephant in the house” - if it can’t be mentioned, then clearly her daughter cares. I think you are spot on that OP thinks her daughter chose to fail, chose not to go to uni. That’s not what happened though.

Seems everything is always the parents' fault. Nothing wrong in being proud of a child who is hardworking and driven. And being less proud of a child who CBA to work at school and expects everything handed to them on a plate. It doesn't mean she loves that child less. Should the OP not express pride in her son just because her daughter is bratty? Demanding to see bank statements and the dad giving into that? Crazy behaviour.
I would tell her to go back to school and get A levels or embark on an access course for uni or retrain in something that is actually going to earn her some money and you will help her as you have helped DS.
It's not wrong to steer a child towards a future with some earning potential, based on what you think their capabilities are - especially if you have a child who values expensive cars!

I’m another one who agrees your favouritism shines through.

Yes, it’s disappointing your DD asked for a car, but she’s young. All she sees is you favouring your golden child - praising his efforts in whatever he does and financially helping him yet trying to push her into something that clearly does not fit her personality / skills but appears to be trying to change her into being more like her brother. What have you done to support her in HER dreams - do you even know what they are ? Does she ? Have you helped her try to figure out what SHE wants to do ? Or are you just letting her live at home while being clearly disappointed.

Have you taken the time to explain what you did for your son, what you’re willing to do to help her / support her when she has a plan of what to do with her future and why getting a car is a bad idea ? Or have you just refused your DD without trying to help her grow, mature and understand ?

She may be legally an adult, but I’m nearly 40 and still ask my parents for advice sometimes. She’s young and in my view a parents job does not end at 16/18. Help her.

I do understand why she feels her brother is favoured, emotionally and financially.
I think you need to offer her an equal amount of support but maybe in a different way. For example if later on she decides to retrain/ go to uni /do an apprenticeship.
Support her and show her you are just as proud of her as her brother.
Obviously a 20k car is a no no but could you buy her a cheaper car , particularly if she needs it for work ?
Our DD is at uni, her maintenance loan is 1.5 k less than the cheapest accommodation available before shes even bought any food so we are topping her up by about 5k a year. Our DS is doing an apprenticeship, very low paid ( about £4 an hour) , lives with us, we pay for the running of his car which he needs for work , his phone contract and buy him some clothing.