DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

Hi, Of course we loved our children equally, it's hard not to. mother daughter bond is fine; There are so many ways to pamper a girl and DD is well loved! She is above average looking, we spent tons in getting her studio portraits, build on her self esteem, and she knows it; hair coloring is eye wateringly expensive. She knows we spent way more on her clothes makeup hair etc. It's her 'what's mine is mine, what my brother have I must have the same attitude that I cannot get over with

Ah yes, I can see how much you love her right there. For her above average looks What a shame that’s your go to example of love - studio portraits? - not something about her personality. But, yay! She’s above average 👏🏻

I wouldn't feel obliged to make it equal. We had a similar disparity but each child (young adult) got what they needed.

It’s a no from me and I would sit down and tell her why, and discuss why she feels her brother is favoured. Unless he really is?
My parents weren’t in the position to give me a penny and I worked and struggled all through uni.
My sister is 6 years younger and she lived at home longer, did foundation courses and was financially helped through uni by my parents because they were in a better position.
It wouldn’t occur to me to hit my DPs up for the difference in money, they did what they could for me and they did what they were able to for DSis.

How have you handled it so far OP?

There should be no way she gets a car but you need to refuse to discuss her brother’s finances with her, she obviously bears a grudge and until she is settled in her own life she’s going to find it hard to process. She will grow up but it may take some time.

@Ellisandra you're just being snarky

I have just realised based on your last post she is actually selfish rather than Chancing her arm. Tot up how much in total you have spent on both over their lives. Ignoring accommodation costs for her to stay in your home but adding in all the rest. I bet she’s still had more spent. Then ask her how she’d like her brother totted up.

@uniparents

Hi, Of course we loved our children equally, it's hard not to. mother daughter bond is fine; There are so many ways to pamper a girl and DD is well loved! She is above average looking, we spent tons in getting her studio portraits, build on her self esteem, and she knows it; hair coloring is eye wateringly expensive. She knows we spent way more on her clothes makeup hair etc. It's her 'what's mine is mine, what my brother have I must have the same attitude that I cannot get over with

This has got to be a wind up?!

“Above average looking” who told you this vogue? What has that got to do with anything? All women look beautiful or most when they have a full face of good quality make on from Debenhams make counters.....You don’t sound short of money and with you comment I’m honestly not surprised that she would like a car to along with her self portraits

So the boy gets an education and the girl gets materialistic things and you're surprised she wants a fancy car?
This is baffling. Critical thought required, OP.

@roarfeckingroar I am being snarky - because OP makes me feel snarky.
She talks of eye watering expensive hair colouring... and then wants to complain that her daughter wants an expensive car. Whose values are those? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps if daughter had learned to use box dyes herself, or paid for the salon from her part time job, she’d understand the value oh money more?

But I do - snarkiness aside - genuinely think it’s really sad that her mum’s way of expressing that she loves her, is to tell us that she’s above average in looks. Leaving aside what that even means... that is her go-to positive comment for her daughter. That’s sad.

OP describes her daughter as “thoroughly clever” - yet unable to achieve academically. I wonder if she ever spent money on an educational psychologist appointment, instead of a bloody studio portrait?

What I bought for my daughter to make her happy is between mother and daughter, she loved it and walked out tall, that's all that mattered.

Glad she walked out tall @uniparents

Now - what did you do to make her walk out tall from her exams?????

sounds spoilt with your updates expensive portraits and haro treatments-why is she getting all this

whats wrong wit a part time job -she sounds so entitled

Someone who is "above average looks" doesn't need to dye their hair or buy loads of makeup and clothes. They can walk down the street in a bin bag and turn heads. Underneath all that is she still above average looks or is it an optical illusion?

I think you should be encouraging your DD to enrich her life with studies, developing her skills and nurture some hobbies. Beauty is very superficial. Your DS has created something much more substantial and long term for himself. Your DD sounds spoilt and indulged. You need to be much more than above average looking to get away with that.

No no and no.
She chose not to go to uni so that's where it ends.
If at the start you said I have 'x' amount for your futures, uni/car/house deposit etc then you should provide this but you didn't.
She is being very entitled.
Does she not appreciate the scrimping that took place to get your son through this?

Would she (when she calms down) sit down and work out some budgets, aims, financial goals? So saying 'look we can work towards a goal together- ds put equal amounts in to his education. We can put x amount towards a house/ career change etc. but only if you put in the equivalent amount. You need to be paying money toward your keep but we will also save some money and when you are ds age we will see how much you have saved and match it up to x value.

OP you have had many responses bit wanted to give my experience.

I have brothers who all went to uni and my parents supported them although they all worked and earnt money too. I was well aware that they financially supported them. I didn't want to go to uni and went to work instead. However my parents didn't take rent etc and bought me a car (which I went on to pay for its upkeep etc)

I always thought it was unfair that my brothers had money for uni but I realised that in balance I got the same.

Also when it came to my wedding my parents spent alot more on my wedding than they did my brothers.

I get where your daughter is coming from cause it's very hard to see but actually with your daughter there you would have spent money on her without realising.

Perhaps if you wanted to balance things you could over to pay for a deposit and first few months rent on a place of her own?

I think you should offer to pay for life coaching to help her out of this bitter place. And offer to contribute if necessary to goals arising from that.

She does sound spoilt.

We always try to be equal with ours but don't always do things at the same time. They will always inevitably need financial support at some point in their lives. Could you put some away in an account so it's there if anything critical comes up (like house deposit help, etc?)

She knows we spent way more on her clothes makeup hair etc. It's her 'what's mine is mine, what my brother have I must have the same attitude that I cannot get over with

Maybe it’s also mixed up with a dawning realisation she’s not got the prospects her brother has? If so she’s, obviously, still being immature about it, but that’s kind of typical for a young adult. How much have you talked to her about prospective salaries, cost of living, savings etc.and how to put herself in a good financial position long term?

Your daughter is your youngest child, and sounds a bit spoiled. But that’s not unusual in families!

When it comes to the difference between money spent on material goods and the money spent to support her brother going to uni, she is only looking at the bottom line. She clearly lacks perspective, but she is a teenager!

Your children don’t have the same outlook on life, as they have had two very different experiences in school and have different motivations.

It sounds like you have encouraged your daughter to feel good about herself by buying things. Expensive trips to the hair dressers and studio portraits. It’s no surprise that she places value on things like a flashy car.

I know this may sound harsh, but some of this appears to be down to how you have raised her, even though you had good intentions. She could have low self esteem, and perhaps this is why she doesn’t push herself too hard due to a fear of failure.

She may not yet know what she wants to do in terms of her career, or she may feel trapped or a failure as she didn’t go to uni straight out of school. So now, she wants to spend money on something flashy to feel good. Instead of saving up for a car, she wants it handed to her.

She could yet have a successful career in hospitality if she has the interest and motivation. If she wants to change direction, as pp’s have said, she can return to study. She could do an apprenticeship, or set up her own business.

She’s still very young and possibly doesn’t yet know what career to have, and is comparing herself to her older brother.

Let her know that you will also support her to achieve her ambitions and that no doors have been closed just because of poor school grades.

Instead of paying for things like her hair and make up, could you fund some personal development activities/courses for her instead?

Your mistake was discussing it.

But no you don’t owe her. Anything you do for your children is down to their needs... not balances on a spreadsheet. There is no rule to say it must be even or else it gets crazy. What if one lives at home longer. Do you pay out cash to the one who lived with you less as comp?! Madness.

You paid for what your DS wanted to do.
You paid for what your DD wanted to do.

She doesn’t get to choose a bargain option and take a cash payout!

No you did that to put them both on an even footing in that neither of them have acquired debt. You supported them both to finish their education and now they are earning they support themselves in life. Later in life she may need help when your son may not.