Freebirth. Fallen out with my friend. *title edited by MNHQ*

[whateveryouneed]

Friend is 3 months pregnant. We've been friends for around 5 years. Saw her today for the first time in 8 or so weeks. She was asking me about my pregnancy and son's birth. I was honest with her and told her how it went (she already knew a fair bit but not finer details). She said it scared her a bit hearing about my son being born blue and floppy, completely flatlined. He had to be intubated and resuscitated (he's 100% fine and healthy now).

The reason it scared her is because she's planning a freebirth. She wants to give birth in her bathtub at home (rural, about 18 miles from the nearest town, further from nearest hospital). She wants no medical assistance. Just her and her husband.

I told her (fairly firmly) that I think she needs to rethink that idea and that it could be really dangerous. She thinks that because she's not high risk (at the moment), that the chances of something going wrong are minimal. She thinks that if baby is head down that she will be fine.

AIBU to be really scared for her if she goes through with this? She's just told me she can't be friends with me throughout her pregnancy if I can't support her choice.

Not sure what to say or think...

Just read back my title and makes it look like I lost my friend during a freebirth. Sorry if that's triggering for anyone. It's badly worded and I will ask mn to change it.

I agree it’s completely dangerous. Would she consider a homebirth with a midwife present? So much can go wrong even in a low risk straight forward birth. It’s just not worth the risk at all

I think your friend is incredibly foolish, flirting with stupidity. I wouldn't be able to be supportive. I could keep my opinion to myself, but I wouldn't be her cheerleader, that's for certain.

@Wingingthis she wants it to be just her and her husband. She wants him to deliver the baby on his own with no medical presence at all. She thinks that it will be obvious in labour if things are going wrong and will call for an ambulance if she needs to. It is so naive. If I had done the same my son would be brain damaged or dead.

It's her choice ultimately, but she could have a home birth in her bath with a midwife there.

What does her midwife say?

Homebirth is widely available. Is there a reason she favours the unassisted approach?

I think she is being selfish discussing this with you, given your experience. I hope you are ok. This is not you, it's her.

Unfortunately, this isn't your decision. For the record, I completely agree with you - I think it's dangerous but it's her choice. Women get to choose even if it puts themselves and their children in danger.
"I'm really sorry but I don't support this decision. I respect your choice to choose but I think it's fundamentally wrong to risk your baby's life like this. I am more than willing to support you with every other aspect of your pregnancy but not this aspect. I'm here for you if you need me. I understand that you've said you will not speak to me during your pregnancy if I do not support it - therefore it is up to you whether you respond to this, change your mind at any point or contact me as soon as the baby is born. I hope that you understand why, due to my own experiences of childbirth, I would find it traumatic to be involved in this decision as my child would not have survived if I were to make this choice. I respect you, I respect your body and I respect your choice but I do not support your choice."

But it's her choice , I long ago learned not to push my views on other people . If something happens then it's up to her isn't it . Her baby her choice etc .

@LaurieMarlow she hasn't discussed it with her midwife, yet, she wants to stop all midwives appointments after 20 weeks and have one scan late in pregnancy to see if baby is head down or not.

When I was pregnant I found the free birth online stuff extremely soothing. However when it come down to it, I wouldn't have chosen it for myself.

As long as she keeps her appointments and scans I'd keep out of it for the minute.

Stopping midwife appointments after 20 weeks would be considered a cause for concern. Will she be paying for a private scan?

I had a low risk pregnancy, baby perfectly positioned, I’d never had any real health conditions and was sure it would be fine. Started off as a home birth, ended up with both of us in intensive care. But because I had two midwives who knew exactly what to do and lived 15 mins from the hospital, we were both fine in the end. Your friend is crazy. She’ll probably get away with it but it’s a huge risk. I think it will be terrifying for her in labour too, with no support from anyone who knows what they’re doing.

I understand it's her choice, I told her that I don't support it and that I personally think she should just consider having a midwife present.

I found it extremely upsetting/triggering and I know I may be projecting on to her. I just know that my son would likely have not survived had it not been for the amazing midwives and their resuscitation efforts.

The one thing that makes me relieved is that she's only 3 months pregnant. She's got 6 months of listening to friends birth horror stories to hear first, which hopefully will make her think again.

She won't be able to stop midwife appointments. They'll knock at her house IME.

Her body her choice

DS was the same as yours OP and I’d warn anyone who was planning the same. I wouldn’t personally fall out with her about it; she may very well change her mind later on into her pregnancy.

I can see why you're worried OP. And for me, I'd never have a home birth as I'd feel more comfortable being somewhere with more machines if needed. Ultimately it's her choice but she's being a bit dramatic to cut you off because you don't agree with her. You never know things may change and she could change her mind but until then no point saying anything all you can hope is that everything goes smoothly.
I hope they're taking a lot of classes so her husband is trained on actually delivering the baby and cutting the cord.

She sounds a bit crazy, is she always like this? Why not just go for a normal home birth??

I'd probably tell her once that I didn't think it was a good idea, big up the advantages of home births (with actual midwives present) and then leave it there. If she tried to talk about it again I'd just change the subject.

Is she generally ridiculous? Does she believe in flat earth sort of things? How can an educated adult think this is a valid option?

She's very early into her pregnancy, maybe as things progress she will change her mind. Is there any reason she won't have a home birth with midwifes present? I had a hands off home birth with my second which was as close to a free birth as I would be comfortable with. They were very respectful of my boundaries but I was glad of their presence in case anything were to go wrong.

As a pp said, I wouldn't cheerleader her choice to free birth, but I would accept it is up to her and its her risk to take.

How would it be obvious during labour if there was a problem? The midwife for dd1 somehow failed to notice dd wasn't actually in the birth canal and she was supposedly a qualified professional. Pretty sure DH wouldn't have succeeded where she failed!

I can’t believe she can’t be friends with you during remainder of her pregnancy just because you shared your opinion with her.

Goodness, she sounds way too precious

Don’t worry OP. You offered advice. It’s not your fault she took it in such a negative way.

If the whole thing is upsetting you too much, perhaps send her a text apologising you may of offended her but you mean well and you’re concerned for both her and the baby. Hopefully she will appreciate your concern.

If she’s still upset with you then she doesn’t deserve your kind friendship

Good luck OP 😊

Correct me if I'm wrong but they can take it further can't they if she is going to refuse any midwife appointment after 20 weeks?.