Freebirth. Fallen out with my friend. *title edited by MNHQ*

[whateveryouneed]

Friend is 3 months pregnant. We've been friends for around 5 years. Saw her today for the first time in 8 or so weeks. She was asking me about my pregnancy and son's birth. I was honest with her and told her how it went (she already knew a fair bit but not finer details). She said it scared her a bit hearing about my son being born blue and floppy, completely flatlined. He had to be intubated and resuscitated (he's 100% fine and healthy now).

The reason it scared her is because she's planning a freebirth. She wants to give birth in her bathtub at home (rural, about 18 miles from the nearest town, further from nearest hospital). She wants no medical assistance. Just her and her husband.

I told her (fairly firmly) that I think she needs to rethink that idea and that it could be really dangerous. She thinks that because she's not high risk (at the moment), that the chances of something going wrong are minimal. She thinks that if baby is head down that she will be fine.

AIBU to be really scared for her if she goes through with this? She's just told me she can't be friends with me throughout her pregnancy if I can't support her choice.

Not sure what to say or think...

BalloonSlayer I mean, who knows what nonsense you may have read on here, but no, it's definitely not illegal.

If you're in the US it's very difficult to have a homebirth, because medical insurance often won't cover it, and midwives can't easily get insurance to attend them. But in the UK, you can have your baby anywhere you like, with anyone you like present.

Utterly selfish to put your desire for a certain birth experience above the health of your baby. I know a freebirth baby ( not from choice ) who suffered birth asphyxia and has cerebral palsy.

I am all for home births for low risk pregnancies. I considered it. But with a midwife present.

Utterly selfish to put your desire for a certain birth experience above the health of your baby. I know a freebirth baby ( not from choice ) who suffered birth asphyxia and has cerebral palsy.

Does your friend have a history of making unusual decisions? This seems so out of the ordinary and flies in the face of common sense, to be honest it sounds dramatic but I'd be questioning her abilities as a mother. If she's willing to play that fast and loose with a newborn's health there is no way I would stay silent on the issue. The baby is her baby but it's still a human being who deserves care.

Does she have mental reasons why she may be adverse to medical care?

I am all for home births for low risk pregnancies. I considered it. But with a midwife present.

You cannot face legal action for giving birth without a medical presence. However, some healthcare professionals may believe that your decision raises a ‘child protection’ or ‘safeguarding’ issue and may threaten to make a referral to social services.

www.aims.org.uk/journal/item/freebirth-and-the-law

Are you and your friend in USA OP?
I think the free birth movement is a big thing over there, probably because they don't have midwives in the sense that women in the UK will understand it. Not to mention the healthcare costs which obviously is not something women in the Uk need to worry about.

I'm with you OP. If I'd had a straightforward pregnancy and he wasn't my first I would have liked a home birth. As it was I had an ELCS for a few reasons. Free birthing is just dangerous. Unless her DH is a qualified midwife. They don't even really need to do much, just be there in case they are needed. I would probably have to distance myself if she wouldn't see sense.

Are you and your friend in USA OP?
I think the free birth movement is a big thing over there, probably because they don't have midwives in the sense that women in the UK will understand it. Not to mention the healthcare costs which obviously is not something women in the Uk need to worry about.

Ah well OP she's done you a favour really. If she is willing to endanger her baby potentially because of her desire for a free birth and she won't listen to you, then sadly that's her choice. It's a shame as my friends who had homebirths said that the midwifes in attendance were extremely respectful of their wishes for it to be as natural etc as possible. She's also putting herself at danger by missing appointments, pre eclampsia etc isn't always hugely symptomatic in a way that she might recognise she's poorly. Hopefully she changes her mind and she can still have the homebirth she wants but in a safer way.

She might have a re think about the bath as she gets further along. I’m 35 weeks and can’t get out of the bath without assistance, and it was very uncomfortable in there.

On a more serious note as the baby starts moving and her bond develops further along with the worries about too little or too much movement she will hopefully just go for a home birth.
I started off as a homebirth and ended up with an emcs due to ds being too big to exit.

I had an unintentional free birth aka baby was born before arrival, delivered by my husband. It was a precipitous birth - we had been planning on birthing in the midwife led unit. I was a completely low-risk pregnancy and no indication labour would be so quick. Both me and baby ended up being blue-lighted to hospital once the paramedics arrived. Baby was in neonatal intensive care and I had a PPH. Why anyone would choose that is beyond me - the pain and panic was horrific. We were extremely lucky the ambulance turned up not long after baby was born and were able to get to the hospital so quickly. Things can go very wrong very quickly in childbirth - I would never choose to not have a midwife with me in a million years!

I completely agree with you OP.

Is it her first baby? That would be even worse.

It's early days, hopefully professionals will dissuade her.

I would keep your head down, just don't reply, and hopefully she'll be back in touch once she's gone off this idea.

@bumblenbean Some nurses/midwives can have some weird ideas, be into 'alternative' stuff etc. I like to think most midwives wouldn't encourage it, at least for first pregnancies.

And the bath! There'd be so little room. Surely the person would want to get/hire a birthing pool at least? @whateveryouneed It sounds like your friend is just having some random fantasy she'll hopefully snap out of.

As a strong advocate for home birth, no interventions unless medically required and a womans rights in labour, this is bat shit.

I read a lot about this when I was planning my first home birth. Sounds idyllic and I am sure it is when it goes right but the problem is that you only hear about the ones that do go right.

To plan a birth with no medical assistance is unlawful, and therefore anyone who does it and it goes wrong will claim they didnt realise they were in labour or that they were so far along or that they went into labour very fast. They are not going to admit that they arranged it.

So she is not going to read about the downsides of freebirthing.

FYI, I planned 5 homebirths and managed 1. All the other had to be in hospital for one reason or another, and 2 of my babies would have been dead if I hadnt.

I'm really surprised her husband had agreed to this - not from a giving permission perspective but from a being completely responsible for the lives of the two people you love most in the world while having no experience or qualifications to be so perspective!

She text me when she got home telling me she cannot have contact with me or be my friend throughout her pregnancy unless I can get onboard and be positive about her having a freebirth.

This is bonkers. Being a friend doesn't mean agreeing with each other on everything.

OP, I completely see why you can't support this decision and if she decides you can't be friends any more because of that, honestly, I think you may be well out of it.

If she's the sort of person who will cut off your friendship over this, then it's going to be a difficult friendship to maintain anyway. Feeding, weaning, sleep training, rear facing car seats, there are so many areas of potential disagreement, and she sings like she only wants yes pet around her. I lost friends this way :-(

I'd just be honest and say although you support her right to choose it doesn't mean you have to agree with her choice and surely as friends you can respect each other's differing opinions. I'd also add that one of the reasons you don't agree with her suggestion at this stage is that your DC wouldn't be here had you chosen that method of birth.

Let's face it a lot can happen between now and then and when she gets the first twinge and has been in labour for 36 hours she will be begging for it to be delivered in any way possible!

Shw sounds a teeny bit crazy for thinking freebirthing is the way to go. What would she do if god forbid something happened to her baby in labour or indeed what would her dh do if something happened to her especially given they are rural

If she hadn’t had prompt medical intervention then she would have died.

Both my friend and I also had PPHs necessitating immediate surgery. I’ve been told that I almost certainly would have been fine even with a home birth, but that’s assuming there would have been a midwife in attendance! As it was I needed a blood transfusion.

I was considered low risk before that.

@BalloonSlayer

Did I read somewhere (on here?) that it's against the law to give birth with an unqualified person to deliver the baby?

Yes it is unlawful to PLAN a free birth. Obvioulsy it can happen but her not going to scans, MW appointements etc... will raise questions.

FWIW (and I’m not saying the friend is right, esp for a first child/birth), I know a few people who did that and everything was fine. Giving birth at home in a relaxed environment is safer than a hospital

I'd just be honest and say although you support her right to choose it doesn't mean you have to agree with her choice and surely as friends you can respect each other's differing opinions. I'd also add that one of the reasons you don't agree with her suggestion at this stage is that your DC wouldn't be here had you chosen that method of birth.

Let's face it a lot can happen between now and then and when she gets the first twinge and has been in labour for 36 hours she will be begging for it to be delivered in any way possible!

She refers to herself as a hippy and has been watching birthing videos of women giving birth on their own in rivers and lakes and says she would love to have done this if she was giving birth in July/August. I have no idea where it's come from but I think she's been talking to people on free birthing forums.