Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

360 replies

WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:07

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 06/07/2020 09:10

Whilst it might have helped regarding “the talk” no it doesn’t really matter.

Just treat a relationship as relationship whether your dd is gay, straight or clown. Dating Male,female or fox

TeenPlusTwenties · 06/07/2020 09:11

Did you ever meet the boyfriend?

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 06/07/2020 09:12

I can sort of see your point but does it really matter now? You surely would have had ‘the talk’ anyway

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:13

I met him lots. He was a bit camp but I never questioned it at all. He transitioned in between primary and secondary so I never knew any different.

His dad phoned me once to say thanks for accepting him - which obviously I thought was a really weird conversation but now it makes sense.

OP posts:
octobersky19 · 06/07/2020 09:15

I can understand that you'd feel quite shocked that she didn't tell you, I'd feel like that too. I don't think it matters.

To DD, her boyfriend is male. So she probably didn't feel the need to talk about him being trans.

DrPatient · 06/07/2020 09:16

If anything, I think it would be a bit odd if she went out of her way to talk to you about the genitals of another person. It's up to her what she says to you, it's up to him who knows. You can be confused and upset, you cannot be cross.

frog22 · 06/07/2020 09:17

If she can't understand why it matters then there was no malice involved on her part for not telling you. To be fair people's history isn't really anyone else's business anyway. I'm sure your daughter is going though enough heartache at this moment anyway. Put her first and help her move on.

Oysterbabe · 06/07/2020 09:17

Yanbu to feel disappointed that your relationship isn't as close and honest as you thought. Yabu to be cross and feel like a chump.

Shoxfordian · 06/07/2020 09:18

It isn't all about you. Those talks about sex and contraception will still be good talks for her to have had anyway when she next dates someone

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/07/2020 09:18

I can see where you're coming from OP but it was a good idea to have a talk about contraception etc anyway and she will hopefully use this knowledge in future relationships. I can see why you feel like that but she is a teenager, she isn't going to be focussing on your feelings about it and especially not at the moment so might not be the right time to have a go about it. You don't know when she found out either, depending on when you first spoke to her about it, she might not have known then. Maybe he asked her not to tell you and she was respecting his privacy

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:18

I didn’t let him sleep over because intimately I was worried about her getting pregnant.

I just feel like a bit of an idiot. The worry about your teen daughter getting pregnant is pretty high and it was all needless!

OP posts:
HipTightOnions · 06/07/2020 09:18

talk to you about the genitals of another person.

Saying “Charlie is trans” or “Charlie is female actually” is not “talking about Charlie’s genitals”.

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:19

*ultimately

OP posts:
Palavah · 06/07/2020 09:20

I can understand why you're shocked but the point here is not about you feeling like a chump. Don't make it about you.
How is your daughter?

Emeraldshamrock · 06/07/2020 09:21

I would feel let down given the bond between you.
Afaik you are not suppose to discuss the persons past gender? You're suppose to completely forget fred was fred before he became Mary.
Maybe that's why she didn't tell you?

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:22

I have not shared my feelings with my daughter to be honest because yes I am supporting her.

Seriously though! I wonder what other conversations about this went over my head.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/07/2020 09:22

I can see why you might be upset.
It doesn’t matter one bit that her bf was a FtM transperson. And the talk about sex and contraception would have been a good thing to have happened anyway. I think it’s mostly because you feel deceived like your DD should have mentioned it when she knew you had assumed her boyfriend was not trans because you were telling her how to prevent pregnancy. Maybe talk to your DD and ask, why didn’t you say something when I was going on about contraception that I nothing to worry about because x if FtM trans? Maybe it’s just that DD is not very sure of her sexuality and wanted to avoid opening up a conversation about being sexually attracted to a biological female?

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:23

I think you are right Emerald: that seems to be the way these days. I am upset mainly because we aren’t as close as I thought.

OP posts:
Heyhih3 · 06/07/2020 09:24

I can see why your DD didn’t tell you. Firstly it would be a shock and then obviously everybody would naturally have thoughts. Just support her she told you eventually.

TheGroak · 06/07/2020 09:26

YANBU to be shocked but the talks you had aren’t wasted. They all need to know these things regardless of who they’re seeing. They’re broken up now and presumably DD will have another boyfriend/girlfriend in the not too distant future.

Was she worried about telling you and your reaction? Because it seems like you have reacted pretty disproportionately to this.

CorianderLord · 06/07/2020 09:26

He would rather be treated as Male, she would have rather you treated him as Male. You admit you would've changed the rules if you had known he was natal female - so it's good they didn't tel you. Means you did the perfect behaviour.

It's over now anyway

theproblemwitheyes · 06/07/2020 09:27

Yeah, to be honest it's not really your daughter's place to tell you that her boyfriend is trans - he gets to decide who knows what about him, and if he didn't want (or more likely didnt feel the need for) you to be told, then that's fine, and his choice.

Also, not letting him stay the night because you didn't want her to get pregnant is a little silly - sex still makes babies if you do it in the day!

Emeraldshamrock · 06/07/2020 09:28

I wouldn't say you're not as close at all. She is 16 it is a minefield of emotions mixed in with all the new genders.
So far she is talking to you about her feelings, I'd say that's good going with a 16 y.o.
Step back advise when needed and hold your tongue mostly like a silent navigator.
Smile

theproblemwitheyes · 06/07/2020 09:29

There's a difference between "not being honest" and "spilling confidential information about people to your parents". Literally nothing about this is about you in any way, shape or form.

saraclara · 06/07/2020 09:31

Yep, I think it's okay to feel a bit silly about those conversations. Knowing that your daughter was probably inwardly rolling her eyes because she knew something you didn't must feel uncomfortable.
Two years is a long time to feel that you were completely oblivious to something like that.

I think it's okay to voice (without getting in any way angry) your concern, not about his trans-ness, but about the fact that she chose to keep something like that from you during those conversations. It's okay to let her know you're sad that she didn't feel able to talk to you about it.