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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

360 replies

WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:07

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 06/07/2020 11:03

Some people want to be stealth. Unless he was a lot older, I don't understand why you would even need to know? It would just be potential gossip fodder and treating someone differently for no reason. What difference would it make to you?

Probably a poor example but I'll use it anyway. If I'm taking meds for bp, depression, etc. I'm not going to be going around sharing that info with everyone. It's none of their damn business. People are already judgemental enough as it is.

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 11:06

Why am I drip feeding?! Yes all my dc say they are bi or pan sexual - basically not bothered. I assume that’s a generational thing. I’m not running a household gay bar ffs.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 06/07/2020 11:13

It was none of your business.

And tbh I think all this upset that parents suddenly feel they aren’t actually as close as they thought has more to do with the parents’ insecurities about their children growing up and gaining their own independence.

She’s sixteen. She’s at a point where she’s starting to think of her own life and where that’s going. She may well confide in you but she is perfectly entitled not to, and that doesn’t say anything about your relationship

You likely won’t even know when she has sex or with who. Not telling you has no bearing on your relationship.

In two years time she’ll be off to uni and then you probably won’t know any of what she’s up to or who with....

You can still be close without her having to tell you everything. It’s naive to think that she would.

CluelessBaker · 06/07/2020 11:25

I don’t think OP has been drip feeding. It doesn’t change her original post at all that she subsequently indicated that her kids are bi (except that a bunch of people had assumed OP’s feelings came from homophobia, which was a huge reach they are responsible for, not OP).

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/07/2020 11:26

He treated your daughter well, got on with you and your husband and was respectful and kind I presume?

These are the things that matter, your daughter knew, and was fine with that, but it is absolutely not her place to be divulging private medical information about another person.

Would you have expected to know if he had erectile dysfunction? Or was infertile? Would you have still felt embarrassed and daft for having the safe sex chat then?

2155User · 06/07/2020 11:26

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whattimeisitrightnow · 06/07/2020 11:33

Talks about safe sex and contraception are so important regardless of the genitals of those involved. Pregnancy might not be a concern, but if your DD was having sex with her ex then she still could have used info about dental dams etc. (amazing how many people don’t know about those!), so. And if you spoke with her about consent and making sure both parties are comfortable etc. then of course that’s useful for her too.

MorningJuly · 06/07/2020 11:47

I can see one reason why you would have wanted to know- in case your DD suffered abuse or bullying because from others whilst being in the relationship, assuming there were others who knew.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/07/2020 12:00

Must say I’d certainly find it odd if a dd hadn’t told me something like that.

Could understand it if a parent had expressed anti-trans feelings, but I’m sure that doesn’t apply in the OP’s case,

motherheroic · 06/07/2020 12:00

@GreenJumpers If a trans person wants to live sleath I don't see the issue, as long as they let their sexual/relationship partners know. It is not internalised transphobia to not constantly tell people you're trans.

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 06/07/2020 12:03

@whattimeisitrightnow

Talks about safe sex and contraception are so important regardless of the genitals of those involved. Pregnancy might not be a concern, but if your DD was having sex with her ex then she still could have used info about dental dams etc. (amazing how many people don’t know about those!), so. And if you spoke with her about consent and making sure both parties are comfortable etc. then of course that’s useful for her too.
But of course the OP couldn’t talk to her DD about using dental dams because she didn’t know her DD’s partner was female.

So yes. Genitals do matter when it comes to talking about sex. You have just proved it yourself.

CluelessBaker · 06/07/2020 12:10

But of course the OP couldn’t talk to her DD about using dental dams because she didn’t know her DD’s partner was female.

Presumably when a parent is talking about safe sex with their kids they are discussing all available forms of protection? Particularly in the present case where OP’s daughter is bi, but even in general it’s a good idea for parents to discuss all forms of contraception and protection with their kids, even if they think they know their kid’s sexual orientation. There’s nothing to say you ‘can’t’ talk to your kid about dental dams because you / they think they’re straight.

Lots of young people experiment with sex. A teenager might go off to uni thinking they are straight and then have a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex, or vice versa. And even if the information isn’t directly pertinent to their own sex lives, it can help them to be understanding of and supportive to their peers if they’re equipped with a full range of knowledge.

I think it would be very short sighted for a parent to only talk to their kids about straight sex or gay sex or whatever sex because they think that’s the only kind of sex their kid will have. Much better to give them a comprehensive sex education and know that they’re prepared for anything they may choose to do.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/07/2020 12:17

But of course the OP couldn’t talk to her DD about using dental dams because she didn’t know her DD’s partner was female.

That's correct, lesbians are the only people to have oral sex, and dental dams are only there to protect the person giving oral sex.

Good point, well made 👏👏

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 06/07/2020 12:26

OP would be talking to her DD about protecting herself, presumably, not any partner she might have - unless you think we should be encouraging teenage girls to take responsibility for everyone else around them because girls aren’t already under enough pressure to be caretakers as it is?

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 06/07/2020 12:30

OP

I don't think you can use take this as a suggestion that your relationship with your DD isn't as close as you thought, unless it's normal practice for your children to confirm to you the birth sex of any and all partners.

Would you have expected her to confirm a boyfriend was indeed born biologically male? If not, why doesn't that matter, but a boyfriend who was born female does?

MyPersona · 06/07/2020 12:30

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Aesopfable · 06/07/2020 12:31

So a 14 year old who has been on testosterone for years? Yes it would concern me if my child was going out with someone who was obtaining drugs illegally.

Fairenuff · 06/07/2020 12:31

How can he have been taking testosterone for well over 2 years OP? That's not even legal in the UK.

Janaih · 06/07/2020 12:35

Few people are as close to their teen children as they think they are. Dont sweat it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/07/2020 12:36

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark dental dams protect both parties Confused

I think we should be encouraging all teenagers to take care of their own sexual health.

You might want to do a bit more reading about what that looks like before dishing out any more 'advice'.

MangoFeverDream · 06/07/2020 12:36

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Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 12:40

Ffs I am very happy for MNHQ to verify my story. I can only tell you what I know and the issue about DD’s ex bf medical treatment is not what I was posting for advice about. I assume his parents are responsible for that.

Thank you for the helpful advice and perspectives.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 06/07/2020 12:47

OP, do you think your daughter understands the biological differences between a man and a trans man?

The reason I ask is I had a conversation lately with a teenage relative who has a dispairing conviction that a “trans woman is a woman” and has periods etc. so I wouldn’t be convinced that a lot of children and teens don’t know that a girl can’t get you pregnant, just because she says she’s a boy.

cremuel · 06/07/2020 12:52

I find it a bit concerning that several posters are saying it’s not OP’s DD’s story to tell, or saying how great it is that she kept the secret. This is her relationship, she completely has the right to tell her mother about it. If she didn’t tell OP because she didn’t want to, that’s fine - though I can see why OP would be hurt. But if she felt she wasn’t allowed to tell her mum, or that it would bad or wrong to confide in someone, that’s not ok.

MyPersona · 06/07/2020 12:55

I can only tell you what I know and the issue about DD’s ex bf medical treatment is not what I was posting for advice about. I assume his parents are responsible for that

But now that you know more, in that it isn’t possible for a 16 year old to have been legally taking testosterone for years, aren’t you concerned about this aspect of the situation? Also that your daughter may not properly understand the constraints of immutable biology and additionally appears to have been subjected to some extremely questionable influences?

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