To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

[WearyandBleary]

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

(But yep, if it was his preference not to let you know, you absolutely need to accept that)

It’s literally none of your business!

It wasn't her secret to tell, it was her boyfriends and she was probably respecting boyfriend's privacy.

I understand feeling upset. It is like being left out of something everyone else knew but you didn't. Like they didn't trust you, to tell you.
In this situation though I think it probably was so personal for him, that his privacy is more important than telling you.
The contraception talk and whatever else you had to say, is likely useful for her future anyway!

@HipTightOnions

talk to you about the genitals of another person.

Saying “Charlie is trans” or “Charlie is female actually” is not “talking about Charlie’s genitals”.

Well, Charlie isn't female. That's the whole point.

And OPs daughter is NOT a lesbian. She was attracted to a male person.

I understand completely OP, you thought you were having honest talks and she wasn’t being as open as you thought, you assumed a level of trust that wasn’t actually there.

Inviting boyfriends and girlfriends to stay over also means your child might be placed in a position where they can’t say no, how do you know the sex is wanted at all? Control and coercion exists in teen relationships as well.

How close do you want to be though. Surely even with someone you're close with will still keep some things private, and quite rightly so. You don't and shouldn't be privvy to absolutely everything.
Yes the talk turned out to be a bit pointless in the end as were you concerns re pregnancy but to be cross is wrong and a bit misplaced.
Are you concerned that she didn't tell you and you didn't get to act supportive over it?

Truth is it doesn't matter at all and it's irrelevant. Your daughter cared for him regardless and us now upset. Wether he is trans is actually irrelevant fill stop, this us the way it should be.

I think it is for reasons like this that living 'stealth' isn't healthy. There is nothing wrong with being trans and not letting others know that you're trans suggests internalised transphobia

Oh op, I can see why you would feel embarrassed and confused if you had the sex talk and your dd not once said actually mum he doesnt even have a penis 😂🙈 did you ask her why she didnt say?

It's probably a bit of shock too, as no matter how accepting you try and be, it is really only recently that people are openly dating people of the same sex (but in a heterosexual way). I'm sure you'll be laughing about it with a glass of wine in a few years.

Maybe she didn’t tell you because she knew you would be a bit judgmental? Also, kind of weird that the only reason you didn’t let him sleep in her room was cause of pregnancy? So no worries about stds or that she was too young to have sex....just pregnancy? Also I don’t know how much she’s told you, but if he’s had a full physical transition he is a boy really....not sure why you’re quantifying him as something else. And ya as pp said it’s not about you.

I think YABU. It was not her place to out him to other people.

@babdoc how in the name of god did you manage to cram so many offensive, transphobic stereotypes into one post?

OP, please ignore this. Having a trans boyfriend doesn't make your daughter a lesbian. Having a girlfriend wouldn't necessarily make your daughter a lesbian! I would just continue as usual unless your daughter tells you otherwise. Pushing various support groups on her and having earnest conversations about how you accept her sexuality no matter what before she's even spoken to you about it is likely to massively irritate and alienate her

Also I get the impression that the reason the op is getting it off her chest here is because she's supporting her dd in rl. Hope she's ok btw!

It's pretty funny really!

Also teenagers dont always do 'everything' anyway. Having a bf can just be about holding hands and feeling like you're in a relationship at some stages. All part of the learning. Doesn't mean she does or doesnt like certain genitals.

He transitioned in between primary and secondary so I never knew any different.

What specifically do you mean by "transitioned" here? Medical intervention such as hormones or surgery? Or clothes/ name/pronouns? I'm surprised that a child would have completed any physical transitioning by the age of 12.

I think you’re unreasonable to expect her to tell you that he was trans, if she accepted him for what he was then that’s their business, but you’re not unreasonable, or at all silly, for worrying about her physical health and the risk of pregnancy. What you told her is still useful and relevant!
You’re just looking out for her, and that’s what matters here. Keep supporting her like you would with any other breakup.

The ‘talk’ wasn’t wasted - it will be useful for the future. Our children are taught to accept others for who they are - that’s a good thing and as a result it doesn’t occur to them to point out others differences to us. It’s also likely her partner did not want her to discuss their body bits with her mum!

@DrPatient

If anything, I think it would be a bit odd if she went out of her way to talk to you about the genitals of another person. It's up to her what she says to you, it's up to him who knows. You can be confused and upset, you cannot be cross.

This seems like a rather stubborn refusal to acknowledge material reality. Of course someone’s genitals matter when it comes to sexual acts! Some genitals carry the possibility of impregnation, and some don’t. Rather a serious issue for a teenage girl, and very pertinent to discussions around contraception, which now turn out to have been wholly unnecessary.

OP I understand you being cross. I suspect you feel like you’ve been gaslighted. This kind of dishonesty and denial of objective reality is IMO sadly typical of transgenderist ideology, and we are all supposed to pretend we don’t notice it, and that the Emperor is wearing the most fabulous new outfit.

The most worrying thing is that our children are being indoctrinated to accept all this without question: they are being told that critical thinking is an act of hate and girls in particular are being taught that they have no right to their boundaries (not in this case, obviously, but in many others).

There are some children who are coming home from their “training” sessions in the genuine belief that people can actually change sex, that a girl can magically grow a penis if she identifies as a boy.

We have been lying to a generation of children for a while now. And now they are repeating the lies back to us. Everybody should be concerned.

I can appreciate why this may feel like a bit of a shock to you but I'm not sure it's a big deal. It sounds like you feel silly for not allowing him to stay over but if you have other children all your doing is setting a fair precedent as a household rule. It's not about pregnancy is it as much as not wanting her to have sex in your house or not wanting to facilitate that perhaps so does it really matter what sex she is having? If she had said they were only doing oral but no penetration would you really have gone "oh ok that's totally fine then, absolutely have your boyfriend sleep over and have a great time just dont do anything that could get you pregnant". You have no reason to feel silly about having the talks or rules you have done simply because her boyfriend is trans.

All my children identify as bi so that part doesn’t worry me at all. Honestly, I do just feel embarrassed at the things I said.

Thank you for your sensible views - I will try not to take it personally!!! This is such a generational divide and they treat me like a dinosaur - probably fair enough.

It probably is quite funny really! I am embarrassed though!

For the love of god please don’t approach your daughter with some leaflets about LGBT groups and tell her she’s a lesbian now! Don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that one!

I think it’s understandable to be surprised but it sounds like you would have treated him a bit differently if you’d known (eg letting him stay over) and both he and your daughter probably didn’t want that. It’s not like the contraception talk has gone to waste, everyone should know about that regardless.

I expect she didn't tell you because she was in a same sex relationship and wasn't ready to come out to you just yet. Now that she has, you can support her in whatever way she needs.