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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

360 replies

WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:07

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

OP posts:

RhodaCamel · 06/07/2020 09:51

My dd is 12 and we are very close, I would be upset too op, nothing to do with the fact she was dating a transsexual but simply because I would have thought somewhere during those 2 years she may have said something. I’m also quite surprised it wasn’t common knowledge, I know several transgender people (including 2 in my family), younger people, in particular seem to be quite vocal about it.

FrauFarbissina · 06/07/2020 09:51

You have to have to have those conversations anyway op. It is really none of your business. If the boyfriend was male and infertile would you have expected to be told?
My only concern as a parent would be that your daughter had been warned early in the relationship before things became sexual, because it was her business.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/07/2020 09:51

OP, your DD was in a relationship with a person with a female body and genitals. So your DD is presumably a lesbian, ie same sex attracted.

Not necessarily. A lot of people experiment in their teens and some late bloomers into their twenties before learning what their sexuality is. You can experience falling in love with a person without it being sexual. So it can be confusing as a young teen to separate out feelings of love and affection from feelings that are sexual attraction.
So her DD could be straight, bisexual, or lesbian.Having one relationship with one female person doesn’t instantly pidgeon hole you as a lesbian.

Ineverdidmind · 06/07/2020 09:54

There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Can everyone stop reassuring the OP that her daughter isn't a lesbian as though being a lesbian is in some way a bad thing to be.

Emeraldshamrock · 06/07/2020 09:54

The poor trans ex partner may also be either lesbian or autistic, and felt pushed into a trans pathway as a way of coping. The massive rise in young girls transitioning includes many with such issues, and they also need sympathy rather than anger
This is very true the link between autism and trans is huge and hugely ignored, I'm dealing with my preteen with ASD who is now convinced she's non binary as she is odd and doesn't fit in her peers, she never goes out socially but is convinced she found her place and people, it was like a bomb went off when she discovered gay pride 3 years ago.

Rockbird · 06/07/2020 09:54

It’s literally none of your business!

I don't agree with this at all. If they started a relationship that was to become physical when the daughter was 14 then that's absolutely her parents' business, trans or not. 16 and over then grand, crack on. I'm not especially saying that she should have been told, but the relationship is still her business.

Beautiful3 · 06/07/2020 09:55

Not really. You still needed that sex talk to prepare her for all future sexual encounters. The next person will probably be a male. So it's good that you had that talk already. She probably would have told you at some point, but probably felt embarrassed at first. I wouldnt make a big deal out of it, to prove that she can tell you anything next time.

Original poster

WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:56

There Is no way I could have guessed: he has been on testosterone for several years apparently. His voice had broken, he was tall and he appeared entirely male. Mainly chatted to DH about football. Sorry but these are basically my male cues to me.

OP posts:

LakieLady · 06/07/2020 09:56

Afaik you are not suppose to discuss the persons past gender? You're suppose to completely forget fred was fred before he became Mary

I don't what the protocol is within families, but where I work that's the policy and at least one staff member has been given a formal written warning for breaching it.

SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 06/07/2020 09:58

I think, as you've said that your children are bisexual, you just need to make it clear to your DD that if she finds herself in a relationship with a MtF trans person that she does need to tell you, as the risks of pregnancy are the same as if dating any male.

Otherwise, you probably need to just let this go. I'd be a bit upset to have been kept in the dark re. a pretty important bit of information, but as there were no additional risk factors (actually, one less!) I think there's an argument that you didn't need to know in this case.

SockYarn · 06/07/2020 10:00

Totally agree with @Babdoc. At 16, and assuming the boyfriend is a similar age, then they have a female body.

This is part of the reason why I believe for teenagers the trans bandwagon is so dangerous - lesbian girls and gay boys are being told that it's not OK to be butch/camp and that they are really trapped in the wrong body and must in fact be the opposite sex.

SockYarn · 06/07/2020 10:01

This reply has been deleted

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ChickenDrumstick · 06/07/2020 10:02

Why does it matter? If your DD saw him as male, you accepted him as male, what does it matter?

The younger generation are things differently. They see gender and sexuality as being fluid. She maybe didn’t feel the need to tell you as it isn’t a big deal. She is finding herself and working herself out.

This is not a time to be cross, this is a time to support your DD during her first proper heartbreak. Who cares who broke it. Forget being cross, it’s not about that right now.

tenlittlecygnets · 06/07/2020 10:06

He has been on testosterone for several years apparently. His voice had broken, he was tall and he appeared entirely male

Bloody hell. He's a child.

NotBadConsidering · 06/07/2020 10:10

You don’t actually say when your daughter found out this fact in the course of their relationship. Did she know from the beginning? Is that why they broke up?

Because if she didn’t find out till well into their relationship then it’s an issue of consent. Did she consent to have a long term relationship with someone who is female? Did she think she was having a relationship with someone male?

The main thing I would want to know is that my daughter hasn’t been gaslighted (gaslit?) into thinking that it’s ok not to know such things.

If she knew from the start then at least she knew what sort of relationship she was in (although if it was my DD I would still talk to her about how this person remains female and hasn’t actually changed sex, because young people seem to believe such things and point out that it was a same-sex relationship).

But if she didn’t know, then that’s a whole other discussion about how your daughter was treated.

feelingverylazytoday · 06/07/2020 10:10

I expect your daughter was just respecting her boyfriend's privacy, OP. I think that's admirable, and a credit to the way you've brought her up.
And to posters who are saying the daughter is a lesbian, read the OP's previous posts. Her daughter is bisexual.

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 06/07/2020 10:11

@WearyandBleary

How old is this child/young person? Afaik you have to be 16 to start on cross sex hormones, so being on testosterone for several years already would seem to make the partner quite a bit older than your DD if she was just 14 when they got together.

Snarkastic · 06/07/2020 10:13

The OP already said he had transitioned between primary and secondary school, hence my question earlier.

curiousmenow · 06/07/2020 10:13

I don't think her being labelled a lesbian or not is relevant.

I would worry about a child transitioning that young and the understanding and experiences that they - and therefore any associated partners - may have.

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 06/07/2020 10:14

Well, Charlie isn't female. That's the whole point.

The word female refers to a person’s biology and “Charlie” most definitely is female. That is the whole point.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 06/07/2020 10:14

I’m not sure that you daughter not telling you everything about her boyfriend equates to her not being close to you. It’s a normal part of growing up to form private relationships that you don’t share in detail with your parents.

hula008 · 06/07/2020 10:14

There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Can everyone stop reassuring the OP that her daughter isn't a lesbian as though being a lesbian is in some way a bad thing to be.

I didn't get that impression at all. Just posters pointing out that having a relationship with someone with a vagina doesn't make you a lesbian. Nor would a woman in a relationship with a trans woman be automatically straight.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/07/2020 10:15

I thought the age for cross-sex hormones was 16 in the UK?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/07/2020 10:15

he has been on testosterone for several years apparently.

When you look into the neuroscience of the wiring of the teenage brain, you realise how appalling all this medical intervention is at this crucial developmental age.

Emeraldshamrock · 06/07/2020 10:16

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark You can pay privately for hormone treatment if you and a psychiatrist insists DC is trans.
Hormone blockers start at 12.

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