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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

360 replies

WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:07

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

OP posts:
Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 12:57

my DD fully understands. It does not bother her.

OP posts:
Aesopfable · 06/07/2020 13:07

Does she fully understand? Does she understand that it is illegal to prescribe testosterone to under 16s in this country and therefore her ex must have been obtaining them from illegal sources? Does she understand the implications of this? Why they are illegal in the uk? What are the risks of obtaining drugs over the internet or from overseas quack doctors? Why does this not bother her? Would she think it ok to get illegal drugs over the internet too? Would this bother you?

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 13:09

He is a private patient of a well known clinic. I don’t want to get into those issues.

OP posts:
Aesopfable · 06/07/2020 13:11

whether you believe in Transgenderism or not. (Spoiler: it exists either way)

Indeed, so does Hinduism and I don’t believe in that either.

TheGroak · 06/07/2020 13:11

now I’m wondering if I need to talk to HER about getting pregnant - who knows these days?!?!?

I mean, maybe I’m simplifying things a bit here but if your DDs are old enough to get into relationships shouldn’t you have already been talking to them about sex and relationships regardless of their sexual orientation?

Aesopfable · 06/07/2020 13:12

@WearyandBleary

He is a private patient of a well known clinic. I don’t want to get into those issues.
Run by the Drs Webberley perhaps?
Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 13:14

I’m not getting dragged into discussing the medical situation of a child who now has nothing to do with me, sorry.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/07/2020 13:17

This reply has been deleted

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HermioneWeasley · 06/07/2020 13:21

To back up OP, there is a trans boy in my daughter’s year (they’re year 9). He’s tall (for a boy) with an extremely deep voice and lots of visible facial hair. Obviously I don’t know what medication he’s on, but I doubt that’s just puberty blockers and when I see him I’m always worried about a teenage girl taking drugs that can have that effect

BabyLlamaZen · 06/07/2020 13:23

You sound like a decent mum op. Some of these posters are a bit much. Hmm

Either you can't ever question/talk about/have any emotion whatsoever about anything to do with someone being trans.

Or trans is wrong/bad/sneaky/illegal and how dare you not be completely involved and telling the police. Confused

It's great your kids are well rounded and quite normal to try things out. Means hopefully they'll know what they really want when they're adults!

Aesopfable · 06/07/2020 13:29

Or trans is wrong/bad/sneaky/illegal and how dare you not be completely involved and telling the police

Not seen any poster say being trans is illegal. Can you link that post please?

Binterested · 06/07/2020 13:51

I would absolutely expect to know. This person is female in every cell of their DNA and this person cannot impregnate anyone. These are relevant facts for any boyfriend/girlfriend and consequently for the parent of a minor teenager having what sounds like a fairly serious relationship.

I would want to know because I would want to be sure my daughter understands what being trans means in this context. This person hasn't changed sex. This person (child - sorry, can't recall how old they are?) is being illegally prescribed drugs. This person is having their normal pubertal process destroyed - with implications for the rest of their life. I would want to make sure my daughter knows the facts here because my fear would be that they are being sold the line that people can be "born in the wrong body", that all this intervention is "reversible" or that it is possible to change sex. As long as they know and understand all that then fine but the chances are that they don't.

I would also want to be clear that lesbian relationships are entirely valid and do not need to be dressed up as heterosexual relationships to please anyone. Not even to please the young person who believes themselves to be male. I would worry that there is some lesbophobia at work there - and that DD could be internalising it.

At 25 I wouldn't expect to have these conversations with my daughter. At 14-16 I absolutely would. It's my job as a parent.

BabyLlamaZen · 06/07/2020 14:05

@Aesopfable

Or trans is wrong/bad/sneaky/illegal and how dare you not be completely involved and telling the police

Not seen any poster say being trans is illegal. Can you link that post please?

Sigh I was being a bit facetious. There were a couple of posts going on about how a teenager taking hormones is illegal and lots of pushing about this teenager's medical history and the 'truth'. It really isnt the pop's business.
BabyLlamaZen · 06/07/2020 14:05

*op's

Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 14:05

I Have had many discussions with my dc about those things and they absolutely disagree with me. They think that men and women do have different brains and frankly that’s the end of it. This is why they think I’m a dinosaur. I used to care but now frankly I’ve given up on that one. Us oldies have lost that battle because the younger generation see it very differently. It’s not a hill I’m going to die on.

OP posts:
Original poster
WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 14:07

We haven’t discussed any of it for over a year at least. But it may be partly why dd didn’t want to let me know.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/07/2020 14:15

OP I can understand why you'd have been a little surprised and miffed. I don't think his medical history is anyone's business but his families, and you can't do/say anything to impact or support or challenge that - all you can do is help your DD work through her emotions and recover if she's hurt by the end of this relationship, regardless of her - or your - feelings on TWAW.

I think her telling you now is great - you and she can have open and frank conversations about the relationship if she needs them, and you can frame it from your perspective and hopefully learn how she views it. I don't know enough about the trans movement to form many opinions, but I do know that keeping communications open between you and your DD without judgement was your absolute best call - credit to you.

Binterested · 06/07/2020 14:24

They think that men and women do have different brains and frankly that’s the end of it

I hear you OP and respect your right not to die on that hill but I will absolutely die on that hill Grin. The stereotypes at the heart of this are one of the biggest problems we have and ironically one of the biggest causes of girls trying to identify out of their own bodies. As a parent I'm there for that conversation/argument although I appreciate it gets absolutely exhausting and one might decide to let it slide and hope the internal misogyny of it eventually prompts a few questions.

CluelessBaker · 06/07/2020 14:25

OP would be talking to her DD about protecting herself, presumably, not any partner she might have

Weird attitude to have. Dental dams protect both parties engaging in oral sex.

I also think that if you’re having sex then you do have a moral responsibility to take steps to ensure everyone involved is protected - not just you. I would consider that to be a completely fundamental part of safe, responsible and respectful sex.

RufustheRowlingReindeer · 06/07/2020 14:36

I think it’s understandable to be surprised but it sounds like you would have treated him a bit differently if you’d known (eg letting him stay over) and both he and your daughter probably didn’t want that. It’s not like the contraception talk has gone to waste, everyone should know about that regardless

This

Aesopfable · 06/07/2020 14:47

I don't think his medical history is anyone's business but his families

At what point does society have a role in the treatment of children? At what point is it ok for the wider public to have an opinion? If powerful lobby groups are pushing something out of self-interest that is harmful to children are the rest of us not allowed to speak up and say ‘this should not be happening’? if children are being subjected to illegal treatment by quack doctors, unscrupulous ’employers’, or drug gangs, or harmed by parents are we meant to ignore it and say ‘none of my business’?

None of us (except OP) know this child who was treated with illegal harmful drugs potentially as a pre-teen, who set their life course before they left primary school as one as a permanent medical patient. None of us know which doctor it was who decided that a child could make an informed choice on this and then prescribe these drugs, which the medical establishment have clearly identified as not safe for children, making them infertile and at risk from a host of adverse effects. But we can have an opinion on the principal. We are entitled to say ‘children should be protected from this’.

The Drs Webberley were struck off for doing this.

Greydrapex · 06/07/2020 14:57

Yanbu, I would be upset too.

PotholeParadise · 06/07/2020 15:10

Whatever the rights and wrongs of whatever medical treatment this young man may have received, it was private medical information. He told the OP's daughter, which is the respect he owed her.

If her daughter thought it was a violation of his trust to pass it on, good on her for having principles.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/07/2020 15:14

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FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/07/2020 15:14

At what point does society have a role in the treatment of children? At what point is it ok for the wider public to have an opinion?

My point is that in all honesty, at the point the OP is currently in, I don't think there's much she can do. And I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with an underage person receiving treatment they're not legally permitted to receive - of course it's ridiculous, but OP can't be held responsible for that, either on here or in real life.